Josiah braced himself to confront her. He needed to know the truth behind her behavior these last few weeks. Until he understood what motivated her, he had no idea how to defend himself and convince her to think differently.
Ruth clutched her cloak at the neck and whirled in an attempt to disappear in the crowd. He edged closer, maneuvering between people, careful to keep Ruth within sight. He wasn’t about to let her go so easily—at least not without speaking to her.
She slipped by a burly man and a woman carrying a child. Another man stepped in Josiah’s way, paying him no heed. Josiah pressed on around him, determined to keep Ruth in sight. Where was she going? Surely she wouldn’t leave her family here and try to walk home by herself. The distance was several miles.
Josiah increased his pace. He would run if he had to and not care who witnessed his pathetic plight. Reconciling with Ruth was all that mattered.
She broke free of the crowd, lifted the hem of her dress, and ran toward a black carriage waiting by a weeping willow tree. Josiah pursued her, pumping his arms and legs.
“Ruth!” Josiah grabbed her elbow in an effort to slow her. “Please—I only want to talk.”
“How could thee do it?” She turned to face him, her high-pitched voice and gasping breath surprising him. “How?” she demanded.
“How could I do what?” Josiah blinked, no longer cold. His blood flowed through him like hot lightning. “Thee will not even speak to me, so how in the world could I have done something new to upset thee?”
“Thee humiliated our family in front of everyone. Dolley and James Madison are our cousins. They’re staying with us, and we’re glad to have them.” She looked back at the crowd. “Although now I’m not so sure they’re glad to be here.”
Remorse shot through Josiah as his skin crawled with prickles. Nausea swirled in the top of his stomach. “I’m sorry, Ruth. I didn’t know.”
“Josiah, I’ve never been more disappointed in thee than I am right now.” She turned and left him standing in the cold wind, haunted by her words, and wrestling with self-loathing.
Chapter 7
Ruth hurried to the carriage, her heart pumping. She glanced back to see if Josiah followed. He stood where she’d left him, scratching his forehead.
If she waited in the carriage, he could still find her, but she didn’t want to talk. Right now she was too angry and worried she would say something she’d later regret.
Her gaze landed on a weeping willow behind the carriage. She slipped under its limbs, which hung like swaying vines, wrapping her in its cocoon. Ruth settled herself on the opposite side of the tree trunk, out of sight. She crossed her arms, sliding her hands under them to warm them against her body.
“Ruth?” Josiah opened the carriage door then closed it. “Where is thee?”
She closed her eyes and leaned against the hard bark. At least her bonnet provided some protection and warmth.
“Ruth, please don’t do this. I didn’t mean to embarrass thee. Please—forgive me for everything.”
She clenched her teeth. She could feel the confused tension mounting inside him. He sighed in a deep breath.
“I know thee is listening, so this may be the only chance I get to say this.” Josiah’s voice filled the air, each word gnawing at the defenses of her heart. “If I’d known how thee would react the second time I postponed our marriage, I promise thee, I’d have never done it.” His voice cracked. He cleared this throat. “It wasn’t worth this. Naught is worth losing thee.” The timbre of his tone lowered.
Warm tears stung her eyes and slipped beneath her lids. She dared not sniffle aloud as her throat constricted. Should she believe him? Again?
Oh God, please help me. I don’t know what to do.
“Even if thee never accepts me as thy husband, I pray thee will forgive me,” Josiah continued. “And know that no matter what thee decides, I’ll always love thee, Ruth Payne.”
Footsteps faded. Ruth took a deep breath, now free to weep. How could Josiah love her if he was afraid to wed her? Afraid to commit his entire life to her? The man was a walking contradiction. He’d always been so sure of himself and his goals. How could she be the only thing in his life where he wavered? It didn’t make sense.
“Lord, please show me what to do. I forgive him, but I don’t know if I can trust him again,” she whispered.
Ruth prayed until her heavy eyes closed, and she drifted to sleep. A while later someone called her name.
“Ruth?” It was Elijah’s voice. “Mother and Father are worried.”
“No one has seen her.” Caleb ran up, breathing hard.
“I’m here.” She swallowed, trying to rouse herself. “I fell asleep.”
Elijah and Caleb stumbled through the weeping willow branches, their eyes wide with surprise and concern.
“Why is thee here?” Caleb raised a brown eyebrow and twisted his lips.
“Hiding,” Ruth said, scrambling to her knees.
Elijah strode over and helped her up. “From Josiah, no doubt.” He shook his head as they ducked to leave the cover of the tree. “He apologized to the whole family, including Dolley and James. I believe he even mentioned that thee was angry at him.”
“Embarrassed and angry. Lately I don’t understand him, Elijah.”
“Yes thee does. He believes with all his heart that the Embargo Act will cause another senseless war. If that happens, lives will be lost over a simple disagreement. At least his heart’s in the right place.” Elijah looked down at her as they walked toward the two waiting carriages. “Whatever thee must think of him now, Josiah is still a man of his convictions, and I believe he still loves thee.”
“Would thee keep postponing marriage to a woman thee loves, or would thee be inclined to hasten it?” Ruth’s glance willed him to help her understand the mind of a man.
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I do know that I’d want to be in a position to properly take care of her and a family.”
“Josiah has a whole house with plenty of rooms for our children. That’s more than many other couples have starting out,” she said as they walked.
“True, but every room in that house is empty. He wanted to give thee a furnished house. I can understand that, so does Mother and Father.”
“Did it ever occur to anyone that I’d have enjoyed helping him furnish the house? He doesn’t have to make every single piece as a wedding gift. I feel like I’m being left out of everything. Dolley ordered all the furniture in her house.”
“Indeed I did.” Dolley leaned out the carriage window with a bright smile and twinkling brown eyes. “But neither of my husbands had the desire to determine the furnishings of our home. Your young man sounds like a very special gentleman. Come, Ruth.” She slid over and patted the seat. “Join me on the ride home. I’ve been married twice now. Perhaps I can give you some insight.”
Elijah opened the door and helped her inside.
“I’m so glad they found thee. I was beginning to get a little worried. It isn’t like thee to go wondering off,” Naomi said, sitting across from them.
Dolley slipped an arm around Ruth’s shoulders like a mother, comforting her. “I imagine you had a lot to think and pray about.”
“Does thee still pray, Dolley?” Naomi asked with wide, innocent eyes.
“Naomi!” Ruth admonished her sister with a stern look.
“It’s all right.” Dolley gave Ruth’s shoulder one more squeeze and released her. “Yes, prayer will always be important in my life. I prayed a lot about my decision to marry a man outside the Quaker faith, and I believe this is how God wants to use me. Just because I’ve been dismissed by the Quaker church and I no longer keep the plain ways, doesn’t mean I don’t believe.”
Elijah returned. “Now that Caleb is settled in the other carriage, there isn’t enough room for me. May I ride with thee, ladies?”
“Of course,” Naomi patted the seat beside her. “We’ve plenty of room.”
Ruth tucked Dolley’s
words away in her heart and pondered them on the way home. Could it be that, like Dolley’s faith, Josiah still loved her even though he’d acted differently than she expected?
Josiah sat by the living room fire, contemplating his choices. After his encounter with Ruth, he’d gone to the house, worked on more furniture, and prayed. Usually prayer made him feel better, but tonight restlessness still stirred in his heart.
His mother glanced at him as she took up her sewing and settled in her favorite rocking chair across from him. “Thee has that same brooding look thy father had before he left.”
Josiah closed his eyes and rubbed his face, dreading the promises she would now expect from him. Their father’s sudden departure brought many burdens and a deep void, but the one thing they could never escape was her fear that one of them would disappear one day as he had. She needed constant reassurance.
“Mother, Josiah has Ruth on his mind and naught else.” Andrew stirred the fire and placed another log. The new bark crackled in the heat. He sat on the couch beside Josiah. “I spoke to Mayor Mendenhall today. He said they might have a place for me on the new town council, but I’d have to limit my involvement in the Federalist Party, so I don’t give the perception of bias.”
“Of course they’re going to say that.” Josiah sat back and gave his elder brother a level stare. “It’s their way of controlling thee. While thee can still vote the way thee wants, their goal is to prevent thee from persuading other men to the Federalist side.”
“And that would have some credit with me, if the campaigns were not over and the votes cast. In a few months, we’ll know the results, and we’ll have to make peace with whatever is done.” Andrew shook his head as if he felt sorrowful. “Thee must learn to let things go, Josiah. What is done is done.”
“Thee knows thy brother, Andrew.” Mother pulled her needle through the fabric she held and tugged until satisfied it was secure. “He has a tenacious will of iron.”
“And it’s the very thing I’m worried might destroy him.” Andrew crossed his booted ankle over his knee. “Josiah has succeeded so much that he doesn’t understand failure. There comes a time when a man must give up and move on.”
An image of Ruth as she ran to escape him came to mind. A gaping hole ached within him. He rubbed his chin. “Thee is no longer talking about politics, but Ruth Payne.”
“Thee has taken to obsessing over her, Josiah. I’m worried. Thee isn’t thyself lately.”
“If this is about the store, I’m sorry I haven’t been there much. I’ll do better. I promise.”
“No.” Andrew leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, linking his fingers in the middle. “This isn’t about the store. It’s about the weight thee has lost. The circles under thy eyes. The other things thee has given up. Brother, thee may be present with us in body, but thy mind and spirit are far from us.”
“I’m not giving up on Ruth.” Josiah stood and paced around the room. “This is all a misunderstanding. I know her. She still loves me. I could tell by the way she looked at me today.”
“She ran from thee!” Andrew’s voice exploded. “Has thee gone daft?”
“Thee doesn’t understand. Thee has never been in love like this before. Without Ruth, I’m naught…” Josiah couldn’t go on. Frustration raced through him until his nerves itched to pound something. Instead, he forced his legs to move across the carpet, his boots clicking against the wood floor at the edge of the room.
“No, but I’ve been in love,” Mother said, her voice calm. She lowered her sewing and stared up at him with a concerned expression. “And I’ve lost the one I dearly loved. It makes one feel like dying inside. The pain is so raw and fierce that I can hardly find the words to describe it. But son, I know what thee is feeling, and I want to remind thee that we are naught without God. Ruth is not thy God. Don’t allow thy love for her to place her where she doesn’t belong.”
His heart constricted with conviction as a pain shot through him. She was right. That’s why he hadn’t felt the peace he’d sought after prayer earlier today.
God, please forgive me.
“When thee feels ready, go to Ruth and find some way to show her what she means to thee. Separate her from thy goals. Right now I suspect she feels like naught more than another goal that thee has set.”
“Mother, thee is encouraging him to keep chasing after Ruth?” Andrew leaned toward her. “He must accept her decision and move on.”
“He needs to know that he’s tried everything before he gives up. He’ll never be content if he doesn’t.” She turned to Josiah. “A woman senses another woman in love, and I’ve seen the way she looks at thee. Don’t give up, son. Now is not the time. Make peace with God, and the rest of thy life will fall in place.”
With hope rekindled in his heart, Josiah kissed her cheek, warmed by the heat of the fire. The room glowed in a way it hadn’t before. “Thank thee. I’ll repent and pray on my way to Ruth’s house.”
Chapter 8
Josiah needed time to think and pray as he walked to Ruth’s house. When he reached the long drive leading up to the Payne house, he felt more peaceful than he had in a long time.
The late afternoon sun slanted in the sky, casting an orange halo over the land. He kept his hands buried in the pockets of his long overcoat. His warm breath blew smoke in the air each time he breathed.
The aroma of meat roasting and of gingerbread lifted the air. He ignored his rumbling stomach and watering mouth. No doubt they were preparing a nice dinner with their guests.
Guilt ripped through him at the reminder of what he’d done that morning. While the Payne family had accepted his apology, they hadn’t invited him to the house as usual. Matthew Payne had turned from him as if dismissing him from their conversation.
Josiah wanted to knock on the front door as he’d done countless times before, but he wasn’t sure he’d be welcome. Instead he walked around the corner and leaned against the side of the house. He wondered if anyone had seen his approach through the front window. The barn and stables were on the other side of the house. Here he had a perfect view of the well, where most of the women would go. It would be his best chance of catching Ruth. He’d wait here until nightfall if necessary.
After a while his legs grew weary. Josiah crouched into a sitting position and bent his knees. Soon the smell of pumpkin pie teased his nose. How many desserts would they make? At some point they would need water. He folded his arms around his knees and rested his chin on them.
He closed his eyes and listened to the birds chirping. The leaves rustled in the slight breeze, and his hands began to freeze. He rubbed warmth back into his fingers. The back door squeaked open and Josiah paused.
Someone stepped out onto the wooden steps. A woman laughed as a door closed on female voices. Josiah rose to his feet, careful not to give away his presence. A woman wearing a brown cloak and white bonnet descended the steps, carrying an empty bucket. Since he couldn’t see her face, he could only assume it was Ruth or Naomi. He studied her walk and the way she carried herself. She walked with Ruth’s confidence. Waiting until she was a good distance from the house and couldn’t easily run back inside to escape him, Josiah followed.
He took a deep breath. “Ruth?”
She gasped, clutched her hand over her chest, and whirled. “Josiah, thee frightened me!”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” He slipped his hands in his coat pockets, watching her pale face turn a rosy glow.
“What is thee doing out here?” Her tone changed to slight irritation as her dark eyes surveyed him.
“I wanted to talk to thee.”
“Why not come into the house like normal folk, rather than hovering out here in the cold?”
“I considered it, but would thee have spoken to me?” He raised an eyebrow, daring her to deny it.
Her gaze dropped from his, and she turned toward the well. “I won’t lie. Probably not.”
He kept pace beside her and tried not to let her ans
wer bother him. While it wasn’t a surprise, the confirmation of what he already knew made the sting dig deeper.
She set the bucket on the stone well and cranked the handle, lowering the roped bucket, avoiding his gaze. “Now that I’m here, what does thee want?”
Josiah longed to reach out and pull her to him or tilt her face so he could see her better, but he dared not. Although he’d known Ruth all his life, this was a side of her he’d never seen. Where was the Ruth he’d come to love so much? The woman he’d always been able to persuade and tease back into his arms? A dull ache seized him, and he clenched his coat pockets to keep his hands to himself.
“I want thy forgiveness…please.” The words nearly choked him, but he managed to say them anyway.
“I forgive thee.” She raised the filled bucket to the surface without looking at him.
“Ruth, if thee truly forgives me then at least give me the courtesy of looking at me.”
For a moment she said naught, only poured the water into the bucket she’d brought with her. Setting it aside, Ruth turned. Strands of sandy-brown hair fell across her forehead. He didn’t expect her eyes to be so red and swollen. Dark circles matched her brown irises. His gut twisted.
“Josiah Wall, I forgive thee for everything. I forgive thee for postponing our wedding and for embarrassing my family at the town’s celebration today.” She sighed but held his gaze as moisture gathered in her eyes. “I could never stay mad at thee for long. At least that’s one thing that hasn’t changed.”
Relief washed through him, and the burden upon his shoulders lifted with his next breath. “Thank thee. Does this mean we can resume our engagement?”
She shook her head, biting her lower lip. “I’ve given thee my forgiveness. That doesn’t mean I’m willing to give thee my heart again.”
Pain sliced through his chest as he stared at her. He gulped, clinging to the one positive thought enticing him to hope. She’d forgiven him. Wasn’t that a good sign? A new beginning?
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