I forced my eyes to look around the room, for something, anything else to focus on. To my horror, as my eyes scanned any open spaces, there were more creatures looking back at me.
Meanwhile, Raphael didn’t even notice that I was enduring this torment, and seemed to be totally unaffected. He was kissing me like everything was perfectly fine, like I was just as into him as I was when we started. How is he not feeling this? I’m not turned on anymore, I’m terrified. I have to get away.
I wiggled and pushed against him, and gave a small but firm kick to his leg that made him pull back and release my hands. The moment I was free I pushed away from him and got off of the bed. “I can’t breathe,” I said.
Raphael’s face was panic stricken. “What’s wrong, what can I do?” he asked.
I shook my head and sat on the floor underneath the window. How am I going to tell him without making him feel terrible about himself? It was so awful, and so bizarre that I couldn’t begin to explain it. It was downright embarrassing now, looking around the room and everything being perfectly normal. Raphael loved me—was waiting for me in my bed—and I was afraid to go to him.
“Hel, you have to talk to me. What happened?” Raphael came to sit beside me and put his hand on my shoulder.It took every ounce of strength I had not to pull away in revulsion.
“I don’t know. It was like a nightmare. I knew it was you, but I kept seeing all of these awful things, and I couldn’t move, or tell you. I know it wasn’t real but…” I closed my eyes and felt the first tears fall.
“You saw scary things while I was on top of you?”
I nodded and looked away, choking back the urge to ugly-cry. “Imagine the thing from your worst nightmare was having sex with you, and it felt as real as you sitting here with me.”
Raphael’s face went blank as he tried to process my words. With nothing to say, he moved in closer and wrapped his arms around me. My stomach lurched, and I gagged as I moved out of his embrace.
I loved Raphael, and the fact that I’d almost thrown up because he tried to comfort me? Well, now I felt like the worst person ever.
I held it in while I got dressed, thankful to have a change of clothes here even if I wasn’t clean. I didn’t turn back once to look at Raphael. I still kept it together as I went down the steps and past Billy and Margaret on the couch.
“Running to the palace. Be back soon,” I said without pausing.
The minute the mansion door shut behind me, I cried—I bawled. My eyes were so blurry I could barely see, and I used my shirt to wipe my runny nose more times than I wanted to count. As I passed others in the Quarter and through town, I didn’t care if they saw my meltdown.
I went into the palace, ignoring the guards all together. I walked in and sat down on the smooth rocks surrounding the little pond. The sound of the rushing water from the ram’s head helped calm the shaking breaths I was taking, and I picked a plum off of a nearby tree that was hanging within my reach, and bit into it.
It was the best thing I had ever tasted: so sweet and juicy, with just a touch of tartness from the peel. I closed my eyes and was savoring every bite.
“You look worse now than when you first came back from Hell,” Melinoe said.
I opened my eyes and found her sitting near me on the rocks. She was picking up tiny pebbles between the larger stones and tossing them into the pond.
“Hell followed me back,” I told her.
Her face went from intrigued to serious. She leaned in towards me, resting a tattooed elbow on her knee. “What do you mean—and don’t be vague.”
She said it with such intensity that I spilled the whole event: every feeling, everything I saw and smelled.
Melinoe listened intently, never interrupting. After my story was over, she leaned back again and seemed to be thinking things over.
“Am I crazy? Did something follow us back from Hell? Is Raphael cursed?” More questions went through my mind, but those were the ones I asked aloud.
Melinoe stood up and reached over me to get a plum for herself, then sat back down. “Hel, do you remember me telling you that I’m a goddess of nightmares?”
My stomach suddenly seemed heavy. “I do,” I answered. “You didn’t have anything to do with this, though, right?”
She took a bite of the plum and shook her head. “I have no reason to cause you nightmares, and that can only be done when someone is in a suggestible state—asleep, or close to it. Demons haven’t marked you or Raphael, and they haven’t followed you back from Hell, or you wouldn’t be sitting here,” she said with utter certainty.
“They couldn’t just be messing with me, from far away?” I asked.
“In the living world and the underworld, demons have to be close by to influence you. In the living world, they can shift their energy to be virtually invisible. They can’t do that here—you’d know if there was a demon around you,” she said.
“Raphael said he became a demon while he was in Hell. Maybe it’s who he is now—something he can’t escape.”
“Nope, he is not a demon. True demons were never human. They can be servants to Lucifer, and sometimes are referred to as demons for the sake of convenience, but they aren’t. Real demons are the only living creatures made without souls. Whatever detestable things Raphael might have done as a servant will play on his conscience, but he has no power to do what you described,” Melinoe said.
“Then what does have that power, or who?” I asked.
Melinoe tried to hide the smile I saw by biting her lip. “Ironically, it was your soul.”
“What?” I asked, not even angry, just confused.
“Yep, tricky bastards those souls,” she laughed. “Your soul directs you towards your destiny. Every wish, desire, and need that you feel is your soul steering you in the direction you are meant to go in.”
“But I don’t want my destiny, at all! I have no desire to rule. Why would my soul lead me there? All I’ve wanted since the moment I met Raphael was to love and be with him.” I felt like I was going in twisted circles.
Melinoe laughed again. “Helena, where has this obsession with Raphael led you? Every single thing you’ve done to be with him, to save him, to love him, has led you to this very point, to the edge of fulfilling what was meant for you. Your soul chased him because he was how you would get here.”
“Fine, so I’m fucking here!” I yelled. “Why am I being tormented now for loving him after going through all of that?”
Her charming smile had faded, and there was a sternness in her dark eyes. “Because he got you here, and that’s as far as he can bring you on this journey.”
“You’re telling me my soul won’t allow me to be with him now—that it’s going to make things so unbearable that I can’t stay with the man I love?” I was so hurt and betrayed… by my destiny—by my own goddamn soul! I would’ve ripped it out myself with a rusty spoon if things worked that way.
“Afraid so,” she said softly.
An idea came to mind: something I had sworn that I would never do. Ray had always warned me to “never say never,” or you would most certainly be tested on it.
“Melinoe, what would happen to my destiny if I got rid of my soul—if I became a vampire?”
Her eyes widened and her lips parted just slightly as she thought about what to say. “I haven’t the faintest idea what would happen. But if that’s what you’re thinking of trying, you have to let me watch.”
“Fine,” I said. “We need to hurry, though. No one else can know, or they’ll try to talk me out of it.”
“Do you want me to send for Raphael, to see if he wants to be turned too?” Melinoe asked.
I considered it, but ultimately decided against involving him. I didn’t even know what my feelings were about him, and what was being forced upon me by fate.
“No, just us. Let’s go now,” I said.
I sat on the couch in Andreas’s apartment. He walked in front of me, pacing back and forth, trying to process my line of r
easoning for wanting to be turned. Melinoe stood quietly in the corner, looking cool, and slightly dangerous—as always.
“Helena, I’m not sure about this. This seems very sudden, and I don’t think you know what you’re asking. If I do this and you regret it, you’ll hate me,” Andreas said, looking more uncertain than I had ever seen him.
“I trust you Andreas, and I do know what I’m asking. I want my soul to be gone. It’s leading me towards a future that I don’t want. I don’t know if I love Raphael, or if it was all just tricks. I’ll never be able to trust any feeling I have until it’s gone. And if I do end up regretting it, I won’t hate you—I promise,” I reassured him.
“If you do this, your options are gone: no reincarnation, no chance at heaven, or anywhere but here. You have to have living blood, from breathing people, regularly… even if you find it disgusting.” I saw him trying to think of all the other issues I might want to take into consideration.
“I know all of this. I was the one telling it to Grace before she turned,” I told him, then smacked myself in the head. “Grace! She will hate me if she isn’t here. Is she at the boutique?”
“She is,” Andreas said.
“Melinoe, please go get her and bring her back here. Tell her I need her, but don’t tell her what’s going on until you get closer.”
“On my way,” she said. She pushed away from the wall, and walked out with her strong-yet-graceful androgynous walk. She was somehow both the bad girl and the bad boy we all crushed on in school.
After Melinoe was gone, Andreas remarked, “I do see what Grace sees in her.”
“I know, right?” I agreed. I didn’t have to approve of my friend’s choice to understand it, but Boude was nothing to sneeze at, either.
While we waited for them to return, we talked a little about Grace and Boude. I learned that Grace was back to staying here, and Boude would soon be back at his place, once all of Grace’s things were out. I kept saying how much I hated that they split.
“Hel, nothing is permanent. It’s fine to be sad about it, but you have to let it go. Grace might get her heart broken—that’s OK. Boude is hurting now, but he’ll recover.”
“Do you think I’m making the right choice?” I asked him.
“It’s not the choice I would make. If someone told me I was a god, and meant to be a judge of souls in the underworld, I’d put that crown on, and no being in eternity could make me give it up,” he said, with a big smile. “However, I do understand wanting to be in total control of your decisions, and not having to wonder if something is influencing your every move.”
We were quiet for a few minutes waiting for Mel and Grace to get back.
“Why haven’t you asked me about Hell?” I asked Andreas. “Most people have been curious what it’s like.”
“I’m not. I don’t need to know the specifics of suffering to know it exists. I like pleasure, and beautiful things. The ugly and unnecessarily painful don’t interest me. If you need to talk to someone about the horrors you endured so that you don’t have to carry it, I understand, but I’m not that person.” His amber eyes were serious, and focused on mine.
I could find many flaws with Andreas and the way he chose to live, but his honesty wasn’t one of them.
The door flew open and Grace came charging inside. “Are you really going to do it?” she squealed.
“I am,” I smiled. “I hope you aren’t mad that I asked Andreas instead of you.”
“Oh Hell no. I don’t want to be your maker,” she laughed. “But I am happy you wanted me here. I was afraid you might still be angry over things with Boude and me.”
“I love you both. Whether or not the two of you are in relationship together, that doesn’t change,” I told her.
“We really should get this show on the road,” Melinoe called, once again back in the corner of the room where she could observe everything.
Grace squeezed my hand, and then went to help Andreas get everything set up on the floor, just like he had done when I watched him bring Grace over—only this time it would be me on the floor, laying in his arms as my soul died.
I admitted to myself that I was scared, but I wouldn’t even consider backing out.
Grace sat on the red couch with Melinoe. Grace’s expression held almost as much excitement for me to turn as when she was brought over herself.
Melinoe was leaning forward, trying to make sure she could see every move.
I laid down on the soft furred throws and fluffy pillows that Andreas had prepared. He pulled the curtains closed, and lit a few candles before turning off the overhead light.
I raised an eyebrow at him and teased, “So what is it you’re planning here?”
He winked at me and took off his shirt. Everything about Andreas was tan, golden, and warm. If he ever dressed casually, he would have fit right in with the California surfer guys. But with his love for fashion and luxury, that would never have truly suited him. “You remember this is an intimate experience,” he said.
“I do,” I replied. My heart thudded just a little too fast. I wondered if being held tight by Andreas while he drained my blood would trigger a similar reaction to one I had with Raphael during sex. I felt it was best to warn him. “Ugh, you know I told you about what happened in bed with Raphael. It shouldn’t happen with you, but if it does, don’t stop. Just get it over with.”
“Hel, I don’t want to do this if I have to hold you down,” Andreas said, running a hand through his wavy hair.
“You won’t have to hold me down,” I told him, vowing to myself that if it happened, I’d just deal with it.
“Ready?” he asked.
I let out a deep breath. “Yes,” I said, and I really was.
He knelt down facing me, and offered his hand for me to sit up.
I eyed his hand, having expected him to have leaned over me or laid down beside me to bite. After a moment I took it, and came up onto my knees.
Andreas stroked my hair and gently tucked it behind my ear. I closed my eyes and leaned in to him, bracing for the bite.
He leaned in close to me, but instead of biting, he whispered, “Hel, I’ve taken blood from you before. I made it as painless as I could then, but I can make it even better. Let me make this enjoyable for you.” His hand against my lower back was firm, pulling me against his body.
Andreas had taken blood from me before. He had gone too long without feeding, and we had been captured. I gave him just enough to sustain him until he could hunt. My blood was dead, so it wasn’t nourishing to him, but it kept him from getting weaker. Dead blood was kind of the vampire equivalent of junk food: it wasn’t good for you, but it was better than dying. His bite hadn’t been bad, and the feeling I’d had while he drank had been almost euphoric. If that was without him even trying, how much better could it be?
I was only going to do this once, so I said, “Make it good.”
Andreas started tugging at my shirt to pull it off.
“Whoa, wait a second,” I immediately protested.
“You’re going to fight me on every step of this, aren’t you?” Andreas sighed.
“I’m not having sex with you, and we have an audience,” I reminded him.
“No sex, I swear, and I was only taking off your shirt to keep from getting blood on it—and skin to skin contact makes it more enjoyable. You can leave your bra on if that’s more comfortable.”
I expected to hear a giggle from Grace, but she was silent and focused on watching us.
I pulled my shirt off and tossed it to the side.
Andreas’s warm fingers on my skin felt good, but I kept glancing at the two women on the couch.
Andreas whispered to me again. “Look into my eyes. It’s just us. Forget there is anyone else in the world.”
I looked up into his eyes that reminded me of jewels carved from amber, golden sunsets, and warm, sticky, delicious honey.
The longer I stared into those eyes, the more everything else melted away. I didn’t s
ee demons, but I saw myself. I watched as my body spiraled, and fell down through all that warmth and softness that Andreas’s eyes and touch promised. I felt myself falling like Alice down the rabbit hole, but I wasn’t afraid; it felt good. Distantly, I heard my name being called, but I was too far away.
I heard a voice whisper, “I’m going to kiss you now,” and I leaned into it, even though I couldn’t see the person in front of me.
With the sensation of the kiss, I felt the press of my body against another. So warm, so safe. It felt as though the other body was wrapped around me entirely, like there was someone holding me from behind, as well as someone in front of me. As the lips moved away from mine, I sank into the strong arms holding me from behind, but then there was softness again. I felt a sharp instant of pain that almost pulled me back into the moment, and my eyes fluttered open for only a second before sinking back into Wonderland. How strange, I thought, as this time I didn’t spiral into a honey abyss, but floated up into night sky that glittered with emeralds instead of stars.
The last thing I heard was, “Drink,” and as I swallowed, I tasted cinnamon and pennies.
My eyes opened and I couldn’t see. It wasn’t dark, so I knew that I wasn’t blind, but I couldn’t make out any of the colors or shapes that seemed like they were all pressed against my eyeballs.
“Hello?” I called out. I reached my hands out to my sides to get a feel for if I was still on the floor. I didn’t want to roll off the couch if Andreas had moved me. I was trying not to panic about the whole not seeing issue. I felt slightly relieved when one hand touched the warm skin of a body laying next to me. When my hand touched another body on the other side… that’s when I started getting nervous.
I shook the people on both sides of me. “Wake up. Wake up, wake up, wake up,” I panicked.
Wanna know what’s worse than waking up in bed with someone you didn’t expect to, and not remembering the night before? Waking up with two people in bed with you, and not remembering the night before… Oh, and you can’t see.
Digging to Hell (The Gravedigger Series Book 3) Page 12
