Bullies like Me

by Lindy Zart

  “What pic—oh, the one with you and Jocelyn lip-locked?”

  My skin incinerates. “Yes. That one.”

  Smiling faintly, Lexie tells me, “No. Sorry. I can’t take credit for that.”

  “Then…” My eyebrows lower, and I swipe at water as it tries to enter my eyes. The gesture sends me off balance, and I topple over, terribly close to the water, and where I puked. I feel like doing it again when I realize who it must have been.

  Jocelyn.

  With a brain that feels like a ship in the middle of an oceanic storm, I move to a sitting position. I tug the bottom of my dress over my knees, knowing this light color was a horrible choice. It makes sense—Jocelyn was too casual about it. And then she fed the gossip by kissing me. My head is pounding, and my mouth tastes like dirt. Elbows on my legs, I steady my head with my hands, and stare at the cabin up the hill.

  “Jocelyn did it,” I say out loud, wondering in what other ways she’s tried to sabotage me.

  After a drawn out moment, Lexie says, “You’re an unlikable person, but Jocelyn is downright scary.”

  I feel betrayed, and utterly small. Even my friend is against me. I shouldn’t be surprised. Part of me always knew she wasn’t really my friend. I don’t think I’d know what a real friend was, even if I ever did have one. Jocelyn competes, and Casey follows. That isn’t friendship. Maybe I don’t deserve anyone’s.

  “No one really likes me. They just pretend,” I announce, and then immediately start to cry, my shoulders shaking with sobs. My throat hurts, and now my chest. I don’t like how it aches. “Even my parents don’t like me. I’m just this inconvenience to them. And yeah, I’m beautiful, and my family has money, and I have good taste in clothes, but what’s the point if no one envies what I have?”

  “Wow. You’re pathetic, you know that, Melanie?” She sighs. “You get a little of what you’ve been giving for years, and you think your life is over.”

  “You’re…pathetic.” I sniffle. I shiver, the rainwater seeming to have cooled not only the outside of my skin, but the inside too. “You can’t even…kill yourself…right.”

  Lexie snorts, and then she begins to smile. “Better luck next time, right?”

  “Loser,” I mumble, but my lips twitch. “Why am I talking to you anyway? I don’t like you.”

  “Because I’m the only one here, and no one likes you, remember?”

  I remember what she called me in the house. It’s one thing to be named a bitch; it’s far worse to be considered a monster. “You called me a monster.”

  Lexie traces a circle on her knee. “Maybe we’re all monsters.” She meets my gaze, and in it, I see a spark of hope. “What if…we try to be something better?”

  The hope in her eyes causes a likewise emotion to sputter to life inside me. I start to smile around the tears dripping down my face with the rain, but then I look up. “What are you doing here?”

  Lexie frowns, staring at me like I’ve lost my mind before realizing I’m looking behind her. She turns her head, and goes still at the sight of Jocelyn and Casey.

  “We came to the party, but…there’s no party. What are you two doing down here, and why is Lexie Hennessy with you?” Casey looks confused, which is nothing new. Her hair is in what was once a neat ponytail, but now is stringy and lopsided under the force of the rain. She looks like a ghost with her white skin and silvery hair.

  Jocelyn, the cow, preens. The rain doesn’t seem to touch her. Her hair is luscious locks about her shoulders, like a black cape, her lips red, and she has lots of skin showing in her microscopic shorts and tank top. I know, as I look at her gloating expression. I know she somehow did this too. Lightning takes over the world, highlighting her features and turning them sinister. Thunder joins in, and the area turns into a symphony of natural disaster.

  It makes sense that the storm decides to turn ominous with Jocelyn’s arrival.

  I stand on unstable legs, reaching for one of the poles that frame the dock. It puts me directly beside the now choppy water. Up and down the dock goes, and I with it, like I’m on some lame ride at the fair. “How did you manage to keep everyone away tonight?”

  Lexie slowly gets to her feet, seemingly unmovable as she faces Casey and Jocelyn. Of course, she probably hasn’t been drinking for the last couple of hours like me either.

  “What?” Casey blinks.

  Jocelyn smiles, the bottoms of her sandals slapping the dock as she joins us. Casey, always waiting to be led, moves with her. “Jeff’s having a bigger and better party. Sorry you didn’t get the invitation.”

  My face goes tight. “You stole him from me. You knew I liked him.”

  Jocelyn looks at her nails, long and sharp. “He wanted me more.”

  “You always take them!” I don’t sound like me. I sound…shrill. Hysterical. My fingers clench the pole hard enough to cause an ache in my joints. “Because you’re cheap, and you’re easy, and guys might want you, but they’ll never want you for long.”

  Her face turns snakelike, and her eyes fill with venom. When Jocelyn strikes, I’ll feel it. Still, I can’t seem to stop the words.

  “You made that picture, and you’re glad I’m not popular anymore. You’re not my friend.”

  “No. I’m not your friend. I’ve never been your friend.” Jocelyn’s eyes flash, and she fists her hands.

  Lexie laughs. “Wait. What? You two have your own battle going on? This is rich.”

  Jocelyn’s head snaps in Lexie’s direction. “Nice English project. I especially liked the part about me calling myself a viper.”

  Lexie shrugs.

  “You think everything is owed to you.” Jocelyn’s shoulders hunch as she makes her way down the dock, and to me. Her eyes glitter; her nostrils flare. She looks like a beast about to shred its victim. I’m the victim, I realize. “You get everything you want, and it isn’t fair, Melanie. It isn’t fair that you don’t have to work for anything. It isn’t fair that anything you want, you get. So yes, I take what’s yours, because it isn’t owed to you. Everything is easy for you, and it shouldn’t be.”

  “Everything is not easy for me,” I choke around a fresh set of tears. “My parents are divorced, my dad hardly ever sees me, my mom makes me mad, like, every day, and now I am the school joke. And no one came to my party!”

  “I want to date Lucas!” Casey’s eyes dart between me and Jocelyn, and she looks as shocked as we do by the outburst.

  “I hate you,” I tell Jocelyn.

  “I hate you too,” she says back with a shrug.

  “I don’t hate you,” Casey offers meekly.

  “You three are…I don’t even have the words.” Lexie shakes her head and walks toward Jocelyn, and dry land. The wind turns violent, shoving at Lexie. The tail of her shirt flaps as she moves.

  Jocelyn steps in front of Lexie, blocking her way. Her dark hair whips up and back, making her look mystical and unconquerable. “Where do you think you’re going? I told you what would happen if you kept saying things about me.”

  “Right. You were going to rip out my tongue.” Lexie’s voice turns to granite. “Try it.”

  I don’t know why I do it. Lexie is nothing to me. I should let Jocelyn do whatever she’s going to do, and let it be. But something about seeing the strong-willed girl in a standoff against Jocelyn digs at a part of me. Lexie is brave—crazy, but brave. She’s been shit on enough, by me and Jocelyn more than anyone else.

  “Let her pass,” I tell Jocelyn, letting go of the pole and trying to appear surefooted when I really want to fall and crawl across the dock to the safety of the cabin.

  Jocelyn turns her deadly gaze on me. “No.”

  Twenty-three

  Nick

  I STOLE MY DAD’S CAR. He watched me take it, and I’m sure I’m going to be in a shitload of trouble when I show back up with it, but I was in a hurry. I left my aunt to explain after she dropped me off at my house. I’ll feel guilty about that later. I drove like a maniac to get here, sure there wou
ld be cops on my tail. Only blissful darkness was behind me.

  The wrongness of the empty cabin with its front door hanging open hits me hard. All the lights are on, and no one is here. It’s eerie, and makes my stomach flop around. I go through possible scenarios, and none of them make me feel better. It’s a shock to my system to stand here, to be in this place. I used to come here often, and when I think about that other me who drank and partied and acted like an entitled ass, he feels like a stranger.

  My shoes squish with each step I take, and I leave puddles. I shove wet hair from my eyes and look around. My heart pounds, fierce and out of its normal rhythm. I see the empty beer bottles on the floor, the counters full of untouched food. It smells like unease in here, thick and volatile.

  This cabin is large, and it’s going to take a while to search it all. Too long, I think grimly, and start on the first floor. I don’t find anything unusual, or anyone at all, and sprint up the stairs to the second floor.

  I wrench open each door, my anxiety growing every time I enter a bedroom with no one inside. It doesn’t help that I keep picturing Jackson whenever I look at a bed. I see his dead eyes with the unfocused stare, his parted lips, the blood. There was so much blood. Each room is the possibility of a similar scenario, and it’s messing with my head. Not now. Freak out later.

  True, I wasn’t technically a patient at Live, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have been.

  In one of the rooms, I catch movement outside the window. I frown as I gaze in the direction of the lake. I squint, able to make out shapes on the dock, but I have no idea if they’re male or female, or how many. Who the hell would be out there in the middle of a storm? Cursing, I dive for the door and stumble down the stairs, falling more than walking. I know who would be out there. Alexis. And the objects of her retaliation.

  Rain pummels me, angled and unfriendly. The earth is soft with it, and ridden with holes. The hill looks like the rain wiped all the grass from it, and left muck in its place. I can’t see well, not until lightning turns night to day. There are four figures, one somewhat separated from the other three, and all are on the violently shifting dock.

  “Alexis!” The wind rips the word from my lips like I never shouted it. I sprint toward the girls, inwardly raging at my limbs to move faster, to get to them before it’s too late. The ground is slick with water, and I slip a couple times.

  When I reach them, my eyes quickly pass over Casey, Jocelyn, and Melanie. They come to rest on Alexis. She stares back, not appearing to breathe. Her hair is a whirlwind, her clothes soggy, and the sight of her lights me up. I didn’t know how much I missed her until I am looking at her. White light streaks the blackness outlining us, and it doesn’t compare with the spark in her eyes. I feel the jolt of her gaze all the way to my heart, and it thunders in response.

  “What are you doing here?” she demands, her eyes moving over me. They flash with something, but not long enough for me to determine what it is. I’m going with abhorrence.

  I approach slowly, my eyes shifting from one face to another. I note the placement of their bodies, how they’re held. Jocelyn stands in front of Alexis, with Melanie directly beside Alexis. Casey is near me. An inhuman groan sounds, and I know it’s the dock. This scene shouts danger, and I feel it cling to me as I get closer.

  “You didn’t come to Live for your therapy sessions,” I tell Alexis. “You didn’t answer any of my phone calls, which led me to believe you have caller ID.”

  Her eyebrows lower, and her lips part on a breath.

  “You didn’t call me back.” Even I can hear the misery in my voice.

  “Nick Alderson. Where the hell did you come from?” Jocelyn looks over her shoulder at me, her features set with toxicity.

  “I thought you moved away,” Casey adds.

  I ignore them, my attention on Alexis. Always Alexis. “Whatever is going on, it can wait until you get off the dock.”

  Alexis glares at me, but I see the way her hands shake. “How did you know to come here?”

  “You can let it go, Alexis,” I tell her gently, pulling my eyes from her hands. “You can let the hurt, the anger, the vengeance—you can let it all go. You have that choice.”

  She looks away.

  “Here’s a better question: how do you two know each other?” Jocelyn asks suspiciously.

  Again, I ignore Jocelyn. “It wasn’t hard to figure out you’d be here, Alexis. I know these kids, remember? I know how they think, where they go. What they do. I used to be one of them.”

  “Plus, I told you about the party when I went to your group home,” Melanie points out.

  “It isn’t a group home,” I say absently, watching as cracks take over Alexis’ face.

  “Some party,” Jocelyn scoffs.

  “No thanks to you,” Melanie bites back.

  “She went to see you? No one sees you.” Alexis tries to hide it, but her voice trembles. “You don’t let them.”

  “He saw me,” Melanie says, her smile turning savage as Alexis looks at her.

  “Let me know when you’re sober,” Alexis says to Melanie.

  “Why?”

  “Because when you are, I’m going to hit you,” Alexis tells her in a too-pleasant voice.

  “It isn’t important,” I say impatiently, watching as the dock rocks to the left and right. It shudders, and makes another questionable sound. The lake is a tool of the storm, and it’s getting strong. I remember jumping from the end of this dock, and entering water that never seemed to end. Even here, near the shore, it’s deep. I look down, seeing the spiky rocks that live just below the surface.

  In a voice like stone, I tell them, “Get off the dock. Now.”

  “No one’s leaving this dock until I’m ready for them to leave,” Jocelyn announces. “Lexie and I have some unfinished business. Don’t we, Lexie?”

  “Damn it, Jocelyn! Get off the dock,” I holler, stepping forward.

  “I think Nick’s right. We should listen to Nick.” Casey backs up a step, and another, until she’s on the sand.

  “Well, I think Nick is a moron,” Jocelyn sneers, turning her attention to Melanie and Alexis.

  “Don’t call him that,” Alexis commands, leaning toward Jocelyn. “I always thought Melanie was the worst, but I was wrong. It’s you. You’re like this evil, oozing, growing thing of puss. And you’re ugly because of it.”

  Melanie’s eyebrows shoot up, and a pleased expression takes over her features. “I’m not the worst?”

  The rain turns piercing, to the point that it’s hard to see or hear. It feels like needles prickling my skin. Wind is in my ears, causing them to ache, and rain partially blocks my view. I watch as, with an animalistic cry, Jocelyn swipes her hand across Alexis’ cheek with nails like claws. Melanie moves for Jocelyn as Alexis stumbles back with a hand over her cheek. I react without thinking, racing toward the three, and yet, I don’t seem to get anywhere. It plays out in slow motion. Jocelyn lunges for Melanie, shoving her out of her way. Melanie falls to her knees. Alexis straightens and moves for Jocelyn. She’s too close to the edge of the dock, and Jocelyn is livid.

  I have to get to Alexis.

  I have to get her safe.

  I have to get her off this dock, and away from these girls.

  I have to, I have to, I have to…

  Lightning follows my movements, and the sky roars. The storm is angry, but I am determined. I race onto the dock, and am immediately yanked to the right as it rears up and slaps against land and water like a captured beast bent on its escape. The dock lifts again, crashing down forcefully. Casey screams from the safety of the shore, and so does Melanie from where she crouches, her hands splayed on the wood.

  Alexis stumbles back, and back. And back. My heartbeat stutters. I heave a choked breath of air when she finds and clings to a pole, her form small and gray under the blanket of rain. She’s too far away. My chest twists with the knowledge.

  Jocelyn is closest to me, and I firmly grab her around the a
rm, swinging her toward land. “This dock isn’t safe. Get out of here,” I shout at her, giving her a shake to hopefully get some sense in her head.

  I turn, shuffling toward Alexis. There is nothing to hold on to as the dock lurches, and I brace my legs until the water calms enough to move. As the shudders turn stronger, and a splintering sound fills my ears, I focus on Alexis. She seems miles from me, out of reach, like she’s already been taken by the storm. I bypass Melanie, who seems more or less steady as she attempts to crawl her way to land.

  “The dock is going to give!” Blinded by rain, I rapidly blink to keep Alexis in sight. “Come to me. I’ll meet you halfway!”

  Alexis shakes her head at me, jabbing her index finger toward the sand.

  I shake my head back, and take another step. “I’m not leaving without you.”

  “Not me. Her.” Alexis points effusively, her voice reedy against the wind. “Get Melanie. She’s drunk.”

  “No,” I argue. “She’s fine.”

  “She is not fine!” I feel her glare on me, even if I can’t see it. “Help her, Nick. Please.”

  “Alexis—”

  “This is my fault,” she whispers, but I somehow hear it.

  “Meet me in the middle,” I urge, only five or so feet from her now.

  “The dock isn’t going to make it much longer.”

  “Neither are you if you don’t start moving!” Fear makes my voice harsh, and my body is strung taut. Something shifts beneath us, and grinds. The waves are bigger now, and I don’t think it will take much to bring this thing upside down. The lightning is closer, with less breaks in between.

  I curse, staring into Alexis’ shadowed face. Her features dim and brighten with the natural light, flashes of sad blue eyes and firm lips. She is a paradox.

  “Please, Nick.”

  That pleading note in her voice breaks my resolve. Frustrated, my very being telling me this is wrong, I nod with agreement. “Stay there,” I tell her.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” she jokes feebly.

  Even as I lean down to retrieve Melanie, my body wants to straighten, and turn in the other direction. Gritting my teeth, my fingers fumble against her wet, limp body. “Melanie, come on, help me out here.”