“Sarcasm is ugly on the Pure.”
“How do you know? You can’t even see me.”
“Because you attacked me, kidnapped me, and then put blinders on me.” Grif stood up, because he couldn’t just sit and take it, yet his legs swayed.
“I understand you’re upset.”
Upset? Scowling, Grif folded his arms. He’d ceased taking calls from his celestial superior after the Pure had used Kit’s goodness against her. Against them. He wasn’t upset. He was downright furious.
“Please, sit down,” Sarge said, his voice coming from Grif’s left this time.
“Or what?” Grif rounded on the voice, on the Pure angel who’d given him a second chance at life, and then went ahead and destroyed that, too. “You’ll smite me?”
It was hard to toss off a pointed look when he couldn’t see—he couldn’t even tell if his eyes were open—but he gave it a decent try. “You’re a created being who will never know what it is to be born or die. To live or love. You don’t understand a damned thing about how I feel.”
“But I do. At least, I do now.”
Grif neither knew what that meant, nor cared. He just wanted to figure out where he was so he could get out of there, but that wasn’t going to happen until Sarge willed it. So he located the hard surface he’d been propped against when he came to, some sort of giant wooden box, and plopped back down. “Where’s your mercenary little angel?”
“Mr. Naumes was starting the Fade, so Ms. Rockwell had to take him for processing before he washed out completely. She asked me to apologize for the shiner.”
Grif huffed. “No, she didn’t.”
“No, she didn’t,” Sarge admitted. “I didn’t realize when I asked for volunteers that she had her own reasons for offering to secure you.”
That’s because he hadn’t asked Grif, who knew firsthand how fiercely Kit and her friends covered for each other. Even, it seemed, in the Everlast.
“She’ll be punished.”
“Nah, don’t do that.” He had broken Kit Craig’s heart, after all, and he’d feel the same way if he were Nicole. “Let’s just get this over with. What do you want?”
At that, the blindness tore away, stinging like duct tape being ripped from the skin. Grif rubbed his eyes, blinked, and looked around. Wooden cargo boxes, stamped and stacked in neat piles, lined the sides of an oblong room. Everything from ceiling to floor was made entirely of wood. Planks, Grif realized, tapping his feet. The sound was more hollow than he expected, and he frowned as he spotted the netting strung from the low-hanging beams. Thick hemp ropes coiled along the walls, and along with the swaying, it put him in mind of a . . .
“It’s not really a ship,” Sarge said from somewhere behind him. “We’re still in Vegas. Treasure Island, to be exact. It was Rockwell’s idea. We needed someplace central but quiet—though the next pirate show is in an hour, so we should make this quick.”
A pirate show. Grif shook his head. “The Rat Pack would be appalled at the—”
But Sarge stepped into view just then, and Grif’s words cut off in a sharp gasp.
The angel’s once-great arms had shrunken down to a quarter of their former size, and were now spindly, as frail as kindling. His wings were as bald in spots as his head, as if he’d picked and worried those feathers out of place. The remaining plumes had lost their glossy black sheen and lay flat against each other in dull, uneven rows. His skin, once as dark as those onyx wings, was ashy and sagged in all the wrong places, and his frame was more of a reminder of strength than the threat of it.
Sarge’s face had altered the most. His sunken eyes resembled craters and his mouth had collapsed in a permanent frown. Even his nose appeared diminished, great furrows etched from the corner of each nostril down to his mouth. The vertical striations repeated along his cheekbones, fleshy landslides carved into his skin from his eyelids all the way to his chin. Like melted wax, these new features had hardened into a grotesque mask. Only his gaze, mist swirling over shining black marbles, remained the same.
“What the hell happened to you?” Grif whispered, as Sarge drew closer. Sarge was a real angel. He was Pure spirit created from the same worldstuff as Paradise itself. Angels couldn’t die, because they’d never lived, and they couldn’t be injured for the same reason.
So what had happened to Frank?
“Are you even still an angel?” Grif blurted.
“Don’t be stupid,” Sarge snapped back, which actually calmed Grif a bit. Sarge might look different on the outside, but at least he still had the same haughty demeanor.
“Sorry, it’s just that you look . . .” Grif hesitated.
“Say it. I already read it in your mind.”
Grif hated that, so he crossed his arms and did say it. “Puny.”
Sarge’s misshapen jaw clenched, but he leaned against a crate marked EXPLOSIVES and nodded. “I am . . . much diminished.”
“I don’t get it. What happened?” Grif asked again.
“You happened, Shaw,” the new Sarge said, folding his hands in his robe and regarding Grif with that surging gaze. “You and Katherine Craig.”
Grif tried not to look as gut-punched as he felt. Six months. That’s how long since his own name had been coupled with Kit’s. It was also the last time Sarge had appeared on the Surface. Appeared, more important, to Kit, who was sitting vigil over a friend’s deathbed. Angels could possess the bodies of those nearer to death than life—the very old or the very young, the sickly and the dying—even those with bodies weakened with drink or drugs.
Angelic possession usually healed or otherwise improved the life of the host body, but Sarge’s reasons for appearing in Dennis Carlisle’s body hadn’t been altruistic. Dennis, a cop, had taken a bullet meant for Kit, and using Dennis’s body, Sarge had told Kit that her friend would die if she didn’t do exactly what he wanted.
So Kit did. She told Grif—the man she loved, the one she’d saved just as thoroughly as he’d saved her—that Evelyn Shaw was still alive. And Grif—who’d been looking for any sign of his wife for the past fifty years—had left. And Dennis had lived.
“I believed I was doing God’s will,” Sarge said now, following Grif’s thoughts into the past.
“You tricked her.” Bitterness sat like ash on Grif’s tongue. This was really why he hadn’t talked to Sarge—or any of the Pure—for the last six months. Not for his sake. He knew how to be an island. He’d do fine alone. But Kit . . .
“You used her emotions and her natural goodness against her. The finest woman I’ve ever met, one of the people you were created to support and protect, and you manipulated everything that was good in her. You knew she’d do anything to see that Dennis lived.”
Including give up Grif.
“Yes,” Sarge said simply. “And my actions brought you both pain.”
Now Grif opened his eyes. His fists clenched as he stared at the Pure, his biceps twitching. Unfortunately, even in his weakened state, Sarge would see a blow coming. And, of course, he already knew Grif’s thoughts. So, instead, Grif said, “And since when do you care about that?”
Because even though Grif had been gutted, whacked over the head, and buried so deep no one had ever found his bones, what Frank had done to him and Kit was even worse. It was the cruelest thing he’d ever known, and looking at the Pure, he had to wonder if God didn’t feel the same.
“Since I was punished,” Sarge confirmed.
Considering all the ways God doled out punishments—floods and famines, pestilence and disease—Grif almost felt sorry for him.
Almost.
“He do that?” Grif jerked his head at Frank’s shorn wings. They’d once soared in beautiful black arches from shoulders that reminded Grif of rocks. Gold-tipped, they’d glinted even in full dark. Now they sprawled in spikes from ashy shoulders that were withered and hunched.
“No. I clipped those myself.”
Like a monk who voluntarily lashed himself until his back seeped with blood, clipping
one’s own wings was significant in a way that Grif would likely never understand. It was the most visible aspect of angelic power, and an obvious lessening of status and strength. More than that, the shearing appeared to have changed something on the inside of Frank. Ghosts moved behind his marbleized gaze. Something heavier than gravity turned his mouth low.
Something vital, Grif thought, something Pure, had been lost.
“My job,” Sarge began quietly, “has always been to see that the souls in my care, the Centurions, work through the pain of their own deaths, forget their mortal lives and loves and regrets, and move on to the safety and absolution of God’s presence. I’ve always been able to fulfill my duty. Until you.”
Grif shifted uncomfortably, but Sarge continued.
“I should have known you were different. Your recollection of your life in the fifties was more acute than those possessed by other Centurions. Most have memories like line drawings, scratched in dull pencil, erased and rubbed over a dozen times. But yours burst like hothouse flowers in full bloom. Still, I thought it would be okay. You remembered that you’d been murdered, but you didn’t recall how. I should have told you then that your wife still lived.”
“Yes. You should have.”
Sarge shrugged one shoulder. “It’s not our way to reveal All. We’re concerned with moving souls into Paradise, that’s it. Forcing you to don flesh again and return to the Surface—making you feel the pain of living and dying all over again—was supposed to be a punishment for assisting Nicole Rockwell.”
Grif rubbed the knot on his skull where Nicole had knocked him out. No good deed went unpunished.
“Never did I think that you’d use the free will that comes with being human to try to save those you were only supposed to Take. You should have heard the uproar from the Host when the time for Katherine Craig’s death came and went, and she still lived.”
Grif could only imagine . . . though he still couldn’t bring himself to care. Kit had been alone in her bedroom when two men had broken into her house. Grif had hesitated, he’d watched the plasma swirl about her naked ankles as her attackers closed in, but in the end he couldn’t just sit by and watch her die.
Sarge nodded, following his thoughts. “And then you fell in love. We decided that if we couldn’t force you from the Surface, we could at least use you to find lost souls. Those who hid from their guides. Those who fell prey to the Fallen.”
Grif shuddered. He didn’t even want to think about the ghastly, distorted, and truly evil fallen angels.
“You have to understand,” Sarge was saying, “nobody had ever possessed both angelic power and free will at the same time. You were the first. An angelic human.”
“I was a tool to be used until you didn’t need me anymore.”
Sarge lowered his swirling gaze. “Like I said, my job is to see that all the souls in my care move on to God’s presence.”
And he didn’t care how that got done.
“I was returning to the Everlast when he struck.” Sarge pursed his lips at the memory, his legs loose as he rocked with the ship. “I had just left Dennis Carlisle’s body, and I was so pleased with myself, thinking that you’d find your wife easily and quickly now that Ms. Craig was out of the picture. I was so sure that she was the one standing in the way of your progress. He caught me just as I reached the Gates of the South Wind.”
“Who? God?”
Sarge huffed, a bitter laugh. “Even I haven’t seen His face yet. No, it was Donel. A Seraph.”
The highest of the celestial tribes.
“God uses the Seraphim to settle things . . . in-house, if you will.”
“I thought the archangels were his heavies?”
Sarge shook his head. “Too unpredictable. They’re fanged and untouchable and full of righteousness. Plus, you can’t look them directly in the face.”
“That would make it hard to have a good heart-to-heart.”
Sarge tried to smile, but the grin wobbled on his face. It looked like the action pained him. “Anyway, Donel said he had a message from God. So he grabbed me by my robe and told me to open my mouth.”
“Your mouth?” Grif tilted his head. “Why not your ears?”
“Because messages from God are not something you hear. They’re something you feel.” Sarge swallowed hard, and his Adam’s apple moved like a boulder in his throat. “He made me feel it all, Shaw. Everything you’re still angry about. The manipulation and the pain. The cruelty in the way I drove you and Kit apart. As Pures, we are not allowed to help mortals—it intrudes upon their free will. But we’re not allowed to hurt them for the very same reason.”
The thought of it, all that pain and longing and heartache hitting someone all at once, made Grif sag on his feet. And he’d never heard of a Pure feeling true emotion before. After all, they, too, were tools—created for a specific purpose. Life lessons, and the weight of them, were not gifts that God bestowed on mere tools.
Yet not a day went by that Grif, too, didn’t feel the pain caused by Frank’s actions. Who was he to question how God dealt with His creations? So he crossed his arms.
“You want me to say it, don’t you?” Sarge said, and his face contorted in a wry, pained smile.
“Why not?” Grif said. “After all, confession is good for the soul.”
Pures didn’t have souls, but Sarge confessed anyway.
“I could have told you at any point that your wife was still alive, but I guarded that information and used it against you instead.” The words poured from him like they’d been building inside of him all these months. He nearly shouted, as if thrusting the confession at Grif would relieve him of its weight. “I also knew Kit loved you so much that she would insist that you return to that first love. It hurt you both. I hurt you both, and I feel your pain even now.” He paused, then offered Grif another wry smile. “And yes, I feel that, too.”
“What?”
“That.” Sarge lifted a hand, finger shaking with palsy as he pointed at Grif. “The agony of not having seen Ms. Craig in six long months.”
Grif looked away. There was agony, yes. It was sewn across his heart, stitched there in Kit’s initials . . . therefore he rarely bothered anymore about his heart. But the rest of Sarge’s statement wasn’t quite true. He had seen Kit, though she didn’t know it. He’d used his ability to enter and exit buildings undetected to watch her while she slept. He needed to see for himself that she was okay, something that would be easier on them both if she wasn’t awake.
Yet there was torment in that as well. He’d only visited her three times, but on the third he’d been compelled to let her know he was there. She should know he was thinking of her, he’d reasoned. That despite their separation, the need for it, he would always be there.
So he plucked a feather from his wing and left it on the pillow next to her, watching her breath stir the individual vanes, remembering the way it’d once felt on his neck and chest and mouth.
Kit must have remembered, too, because the next time he came to watch her sleep, he found that she’d left him something as well.
The note read:
This isn’t Twilight, and I’m not your Bella. If I catch you stalking me again I’ll pray so hard that your boss in the Everlast will have no choice but to listen. God knows that feathered beast owes me.
Funny how the dearest memories could evoke the exact opposite reaction in people.
“I didn’t know,” Sarge said softly, reading the memory.
No, how could he? He was a created being, not a birthed one. He had the power and intelligence and expanse of the Universe at his disposal, but he was also soulless.
Sometimes, like six months ago, that made him a monster.
“I didn’t know,” Sarge repeated, voice cracking this time, “that love in the heart was as indispensable as breath in the chest.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Grif muttered, feeling his own chest seize up, the stitches coming undone.
“I didn’t kn
ow,” Sarge said again, “that I was digging out that poor woman’s heart with a dull knife.”
“Stop talking!” Grif’s voice bounced off the hollowed planks overhead and thundered along the ones at his feet. Sarge actually cringed; he truly believed Kit’s pain was his own fault, yet even after all he’d done, Grif knew better. He was the one who’d returned to the Surface, broken the rules, and fallen in love with one woman while still searching for another. With one foot in the present and the other stuck firmly in the past, it was Grif who had broken Kit Craig’s heart.
And true agony was in having to live with that.
I want to die,” Kit said, only two months earlier.
“No,” Grif whispered, but his hiding place swallowed the word, smothering it in shadows. Despite her written warning to stop stalking her, to go away, he still followed. He’d always follow. And now, despite his aversion to tears, he was crying, too.
She was folded up in the fetal position, her good friend Fleur curled around her as if she was all that was holding her together. Kit’s entire covey of girlfriends was unabashed in their friendship, clinging to each other in a way that men never did, and these two alternated their tears, though only Kit sobbed. Grif had followed her to Fleur’s home, because she hadn’t been spending much time at her own mid-century ranch home. There were, he knew, too many memories of the two of them there together.
“Forget Griffin Shaw,” Fleur told Kit, smoothing Kit’s hair from her face, the flaming dice of her shoulder tattoo flaring with the motion.
“I don’t want to forget him.”
“Why?” Fleur and Grif whispered at the same time.
Kit stilled and looked up at her friend. Her face, usually powdered perfection, was naked today, almost translucent, and it only added to her air of vulnerability. Her eyes, swollen like storm clouds, were rimmed in angry red and swimming with tears. “Because if I forget that I loved him then it would be like it never happened. And that would mean that it didn’t really matter or that I never really lived it. And it did. I did.”
“You torture yourself.”
The Given Page 3
