The Consequence of Love

by Sandra Howard

  They would get through the weekend, she thought, undressing and climbing in gingerly beside him. What about on Monday when she packed up and left? She had some explaining to do to Lily and Tubsy, and Jasmine to get in touch with – the first moment she could. Nattie felt sure Jasmine would be fine about the situation and wouldn’t talk if asked not to. And about coming to the new address; it was nearer for her and she loved the children, knew how much they’d need the continuity.

  It was a momentous decision – selfish, that went without saying – but people did up-turn their lives when love got in the way. What people didn’t do was expose their children to any threat, however remote, from vengeful extremists. It was minimal for now, while they never went out and about with Ahmed, but in the longer term? Living abroad, which still had its risks, was the only way. And where did that leave Hugo?

  Nattie lay awake, imagining what it would be like for him, coming home to an empty house. She would call, talk to him, do everything she possibly could to smooth the arrangements. She’d give him all the access he wanted, but suppose the children didn’t adapt, felt unsettled and confused, and Hugo couldn’t prop himself up. What then?

  23

  Early Days

  On Monday Nattie waited outside the school gates, shivery with nerves and the change in the weather, feeling chilled to the bone in the icy wind. How badly was Lily going to miss her father? She’d enjoyed her afternoon with Ahmed and doing the story, loved all that – bubbled over about it at home, which had caused Hugo such pain – and was excited about seeing Ahmed again, but how was she going to cope with all the upheaval, the strangeness, sleeping in a new bed and no hugging her daddy? Nattie felt riven with guilt.

  Lily came running out of the school gates, coated up in her red puffa and woolly hat and clutching an envelope. ‘It’s a party invitation, Mummy, Jade’s birthday. It’s soon.’ She stared at the Ford car as Nattie opened the passenger door. ‘Is this our new car, you said about? I came with Daddy in the other one.’

  ‘We’ve got two now.’ Nattie smiled, strapping the child into her seat beside Tubsy who was having his first ride in the new blue car.

  ‘Hi, Tubsbubs, high-fives!’ Lily said exuberantly, pushing at his hand. ‘Abcdefg,’ she started singing, ‘hijklmnop, I’m going to learn it to you all the way home.’

  ‘Teach it to him,’ Nattie said automatically. ‘We’re going to Dan’s house now, Lily, and staying for a bit, but back with Daddy at the weekend. Are you going to tell Dan your new idea for a story, the one about the naughty giraffe?’

  ‘But I don’t know how it ends,’ she wailed, sounding close to crying.

  ‘I’m sure he can help just a little bit with that,’ Nattie said, anxious not to trample on any of Lily’s creative sensitivities.

  ‘But it will still be my very own story?’

  ‘Of course! It’s all your idea. You can write “By Lily Dangerfield” under the title. I took Moppet over this morning, love, in his hutch.’

  ‘Oh, no! He won’t know where he is, he might try to escape!’

  ‘I’m quite sure he won’t. He’s had a nice big carrot and looks very happy and settled. We put his hutch under the apple tree, but you can move it where you like.’

  Nattie eyed Tubsy in the driving mirror. He was mumbling to himself, ‘Abc, one two see, abc,’ and she felt a swathe of maternal adoration, warming as a blush.

  ‘Very good,’ she encouraged. ‘And the next bit, hijklmnop . . .’

  Lily started to sing it too, more than once.

  ‘Is Dan going to be my sort of other daddy?’ she asked, with an abrupt and alarmingly unexpected switch. ‘Jade has two mummies. Her daddy’s married another lady who Jade quite likes, but her big sister hates her. Jade’s glad the party’s at her own home. Can I have my party at my own home too?’

  That touched a nerve – many nerves. Nattie hadn’t yet given the party a thought. ‘Of course, you can, love, we’d have it on a weekend anyway. We’ll do the invitations tomorrow. You can choose the cards and help me with the list.’

  ‘I’m four years and eleven months!’ Lily chanted, skittering off difficult territory as fast as she’d switched onto it. ‘Nearly everyone’s five at school ’cept Jade and me.’

  ‘You could write a story about a little girl who was the youngest in her class.’ She glanced back.

  ‘But what happens in her life?’ Lily said, sounding unconvinced.

  Nattie felt quite enough was happening in their lives already.

  She drew up in a permit bay and took out her new house key. It was on a ring with the keys to both cars. Ahmed had insisted she had the Mazda key as well – precautionary, he said, you never knew. Opening the door, he was there to greet them. He grinned at Lily, helping her off with her coat. ‘Do you know what the hat said to the scarf, Lily?’ She shook her head from side to side energetically and her woolly hat fell off. ‘ “You hang around, scarfy,” said the hat, “and I’ll go on ahead.” ’ Ahmed mimed a scarf being hung round her neck and he put her hat back on to make the point. Lily got it, giggling, but she wasn’t to be outdone.

  ‘What happened when the budgie went to the doctor?’

  ‘Dunno. You tell me.’

  ‘The doctor gave him some tweetment.’ Ahmed groaned. ‘And,’ Lily went on excitedly, ‘Noah at school told me another one. “Why did the banana go to the doctor?” ’ Ahmed raised his eyebrows in query. ‘ “Because he wasn’t peeling well!” ’

  ‘Oh, no, that’s even worse,’ he laughed. ‘I’ll try to come up with one or two for you to tell Noah tomorrow if you’d like.’

  ‘Yes please, yes please!’ Lily cried, jumping up and down, hair bouncing.

  ‘Are we in for awful corny cracker jokes all afternoon?’ Nattie complained.

  ‘What’s corny mean?’

  ‘Sort of funny, awful,’ Nattie said, ‘not funny, clever.’

  Ahmed gave her a nudge. ‘Don’t be so snooty about our funny jokes. Hey, Tubsy! How’re you doing? Was that abc you were singing all to yourself just now?’

  Lily sang out loudly. ‘Abcdefg – I’m learning him it!’ Nattie couldn’t face correcting her again. ‘Can I go and see Moppet now, Mummy? Can I have something to eat – pleeese?’

  ‘One flapjack or you’ll spoil your supper. Okay, Tubsy, you can have a bit too.’

  Lily was bursting with impatience to see Moppet, peering through the glass doors to the garden as Ahmed unlocked them, dropping oaty crumbs. She was out like a shot, coatless and as though her life, or Moppet’s, depended on it.

  They watched her squat down to open the hutch and cuddle her scruffy-haired, black-and-gold guinea pig. Tubsy was occupied, he’d made for the toy box, and Ahmed reached for Nattie’s hand. She leaned against him for support. ‘You must be exhausted,’ he said, ‘really done in. And not just with the move.’

  Nattie laid her head on his shoulder in silent acknowledgement. He knew what had happened, just how hard Hugo had taken it. She’d told him, talking with her phone tucked under her chin as she packed that morning, throwing everything together in a great rush. She’d helped the man-with-a-van shift the hutch, cases, boxes, her old bicycle – she’d be much nearer the office and planned to bike in – a couple of her favourite pot plants, Lily’s pink bike and scooter. She’d left Thomas’s buggy behind for Hugo, since Ahmed had bought a new one for her online. It had certainly been a fraught day, even without the worry of how disorientated Lily would feel.

  Hugo had wanted to drop her off at school as usual that morning, if for the last time, which with the usual breakfast rush and chaos had helped to slide over the agony of the parting. It had meant having to tell Lily the night before, though, and explain in whispers about going to stay with Dan, hoping Hugo wouldn’t overhear and Lily wouldn’t instantly relay it back to him.

  Watching from the kitchen window, Nattie felt Lily seemed unbothered for now, but there was the new routine to get used to: no more going to school with her daddy and
a longer journey too, which meant an earlier start. Nattie didn’t know where the nearest park was, for Lily to scoot and Thomas to be pushed on a swing – and she realised with a pang that Ahmed would feel he couldn’t come with them. She suppressed a sigh.

  Suppressed or not, Ahmed picked up on it and put his arm round her. ‘It’ll shake down,’ he murmured, hugging her close. She turned and saw with amazement that he was crying. He looked shamefaced. ‘You’re here,’ he said, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, ‘that’s all.’ He concentrated on watching Lily who was on her haunches, offering Moppet the remains of a dirty carrot. ‘It’s pretty chilly out there,’ he said, ‘better bring her in soon. And California’s waking up. I guess I should go and do a bit of communicating.’

  Nattie went outside and found that Lily was blue with cold. ‘Silly thing,’ she said, worried, ‘you’re shivering like a jelly! You must come in. You can watch one of your DVDs and you’ve got the new doll’s house to play with too.’ Lily brightened at that, but dragged her feet and looked back at the hutch, as though, so it seemed to Nattie in her guilt, it was the one thing that was homely and familiar to her.

  Lily turned back to blow a kiss and she called out, cheerily enough, ‘Night, night, Moppet, poppet, I’ll bring you some lettuce in the morning.’

  ‘Dan’s gone to do some emails,’ Nattie said, locking the doors, ‘but you can tell him your giraffe story over your supper. I’m sure he’ll give a little help.’

  Ahmed reappeared in time and listened attentively while Lily, rather shyly for her, told him her idea for a story and registered her concern about how it would end. ‘It’s a great story,’ he said, ‘lots of scope for pictures too. A cheeky young giraffe eating leaves off the neighbours’ trees – they’d certainly be angry, and the family he lives with would be cross with him too. Now let me see . . .’ He held his chin, as though contemplating. ‘I wonder what’s going to happen next.’ Lily gazed at him on such high-wire tenterhooks that he couldn’t keep a straight face.

  ‘I think his family would say they couldn’t keep him and that he must go away,’ Ahmed said, ‘which makes him very sad. He roams the streets and finds a job with some tree surgeons – that’s the people who cut back trees – and does so well with his long neck, reaching the very far branches, that the family get to hear. They’re very proud and want him to come back home, which makes him happy indeed. What do you reckon, Lily? Has your giraffe got a name yet?’

  She looked a bit caught out, hadn’t thought of that, but came up with one quite smartly. ‘Jimmy – Jimmy the giraffe.’ Her face was one big smile. ‘I love that ending! Can we do it on your computer like before? Can I get down, Mummy?’

  ‘It’s a bit late to do it now,’ Ahmed said, ‘almost your bath time. Let’s keep computer work for Fridays when you’re home early. We want to do a proper job.’

  She wanted that too, while exploding with impatience to see it typed up like last time. ‘But I want to show it to Daddy,’ she whined, not giving in lightly. ‘He liked my other story a lot.’ Nattie assured her it would still be done in time.

  ‘Would you like Dan to read you a story?’ she asked, when Lily was in her pyjamas and ready for bed. ‘Or I can,’ she added hesitantly, in an embarrassed way, drawing down the blinds with the stars and moons. She had a great need not to make assumptions; Lily had to feel ready to manage living with two daddies in her life.

  ‘I really want him to read my new Just William book, Mummy. It has some big words in it, but I know lots! Will you tell him I do and will he read it then?’

  ‘I expect so if you ask nicely,’ Nattie replied. She went into Tubsy’s room. Ahmed was leaning over the cot, saying goodnight, and she told him he was needed. ‘Lily’s in bed waiting,’ she said.

  He straightened up and gave a grin. ‘It’s full on, isn’t it?’

  ‘Better get used to it,’ she said firmly, and went downstairs to do something about supper.

  She timed it right, going back up to give Lily a goodnight kiss. Ahmed had just finished reading, was returning the book to the shelf, and Lily’s eyes were heavy. She said sleepily that the story wasn’t too difficult for her, it was really funny and good. Ahmed rose from the chair beside the bed and bent down to kiss her lightly on her forehead.

  ‘Night, Lily,’ he said.

  On his way to the door his arm brushed against Nattie’s and he locked eyes with a look that shot through her. It was the look she’d pined for and clung to for seven years, the look that frightened her with its force, the force of her need, the look that made her weak-kneed.

  She sat down on the bedside chair. ‘All well, darling?’ she said, smoothing away a strand of Lily’s fine hair. ‘First night in your new bed!’ She regretted saying that immediately, so stupid, talking about the first night, it would make Lily start thinking of her father. Hugo had always rushed back to be in time for the bedtime hug and kiss. Lily minded when he didn’t make it, always asking where he was, and she missed seeing him.

  ‘I like this room,’ she said, which was comforting to hear. ‘I just wish Daddy could come to live with us here. It’s my baddest thing in my whole life, not seeing him at my bedtime. Or Mummy, couldn’t Dan come to stay with us in our house, p’raps? Do you think he’d be able to?’

  ‘It really isn’t possible either way, darling. Daddy and I need to live separately for a while. But you’ll see him on Saturday and all over the weekend; you’re his little girl, remember. You’ll have to be very grown-up, though, and help with Tubsy if I’m not there or when Jasmine has to go.’ The weekend was too distant, it didn’t fill the void; Lily had sad, soulful eyes and she was wakeful too, not the sleepy-face she’d been only minutes ago. Nattie ached to make things better, and for her daughter to feel more settled and content.

  ‘Shall we give Daddy a call and then you could blow a kiss down the phone?’ she said, reaching into her jeans back pocket for her mobile. She’d planned to call Hugo after a couple of days and hadn’t factored in whether Lily should talk to him even then. She hoped her instinct to do it now wasn’t simply going to make matters worse.

  Hugo’s mobile was switched off. Nattie tried the house phone, which rang and rang. He was probably on the tube, on his way home. He could be in a pub, drinking with a gang from the office. She couldn’t help worrying a bit, anxiety pricking like a sharp stone in her shoe. Was he all right?

  ‘Daddy’s not there,’ she said, ‘but you could leave a voicemail. He’d love finding a message from you and a goodnight kiss!’

  Lily looked very chuffed and spoke excitably into Nattie’s mobile. ‘Hello, Daddy! Night, night, I’m kissing you down the phone! Mummy says I can have my party for when I’m five at our home.’

  He wouldn’t know whether Lily meant her new home or old. Nattie fretted about that. She tucked her daughter up and kissed her. ‘Time for sleep now, darling. It’s getting late and you’ve got school tomorrow, an earlier start too.’

  ‘Is Dan your boyfriend, Mummy?’

  ‘Sort of, I suppose.’ Nattie smiled, feeling fresh pricks of angst. ‘Sleep tight now. Your clock’s set, everything ready for the morning, time to snuggle down.’

  ‘Jasmine has a boyfriend – you know, Mum, Pete, the nee-naw meccaneec. He wants to marry her but she’s not sure. Jade’s daddy married his girlfriend who he went to live with, that’s why she’s Jade’s other mummy now.’

  ‘No more talking, love.’ Nattie kissed her again and got up to go, extremely keen to avoid the next likely question – was she going to marry Ahmed? She started for the door. ‘Sweet dreams, angel. I’m only along the passage. Dan’s nearby too, his room is just upstairs.’

  Lily’s eyes were closing at last. She had her woolly kangaroo and pulled him close, settling into her sleeping position with a little sigh, but whether it was one of sadness or contentment was hard to say. Nattie said a silent prayer for the latter and quietly pulled the door to.

  Ahmed heard Nattie’s footsteps on the stairs.
‘All good?’ he asked anxiously, folding her into his arms. ‘Lily’s not too unsettled?’

  ‘She is a bit. The bedtime hug was something of a ritual with Hugo, but she’s hugging Kangy and adjusting. She’ll be okay.’ Nattie eased herself out of his arms. ‘Must do something about supper.’ She busied about in the kitchen, needing to unwind, which Ahmed could well understand. He still couldn’t believe she’d done it, that she’d put herself through that emotional hell for love of him, and his heart swelled.

  He tried to imagine how Lily must feel, the strangeness, not really knowing what was going on, sensing undercurrents that she couldn’t comprehend. It would take time to establish a new routine, more time before she was completely used to it and everything felt natural and familiar. He prayed it would be soon.

  Their first evening together, he and Nattie had to adjust and settle in as well. He was determined to marry her, have children together, but there were no certainties in life and it was going to be a long hard haul. They could make a life in California, a good life, which would be almost, if not entirely, free of risk. But there was the great big stumbling block of Hugo. Nattie cared deeply about Hugo, always had, which had always been so hard to take. Ahmed cursed inwardly, feeling as obsessed as ever over the pulls on her loyalties; he knew she loved him and that he could make her happy, and yet he’d had to sit it out thousands of miles away, imagining her fond affection for Hugo becoming a habit that was hard to break. A trial separation, three months of uncertainty . . . It was never going to be easy.

  Nattie was exhausted, but happy, he could tell. They didn’t need to say much, it was enough that they were there, physically there, together. He held her close, going upstairs, then undressed her, made love to her and felt an emotional overload when she fell asleep in his arms. He couldn’t lose her now.