Little Women

by Louisa May Alcott

  “Yes,” sobbed Meg despairingly.

  “Tell me quick, then. Don’t cry, I can bear anything better than that. Out with it, love.”

  “The – the jelly won’t jell and I don’t know what to do!”

  John Brooke laughed then as he never dared to laugh afterward, and the derisive Scott smiled involuntarily as he heard the hearty peal, which put the finishing stroke to poor Meg’s woe.

  “Is that all? Fling it out of window, and don’t bother any more about it. I’ll buy you quarts if you want it; but for heaven’s sake don’t have hysterics, for I’ve brought Jack Scott home to dinner, and – ”

  John got no further, for Meg cast him off, and clasped her hands with a tragic gesture as she fell into a chair, exclaiming in a tone of mingled indignation, reproach, and dismay –

  “A man to dinner, and everything in a mess! John Brooke, how could you do such a thing?”

  “Hush, he’s in the garden! I forgot the confounded jelly, but it can’t be helped now,” said John, surveying the prospect with an anxious eye.

  “You ought to have sent word, or told me this morning, and you ought to have remembered how busy I was,” continued Meg petulantly, for even turtledoves will peck when ruffled.

  “I didn’t know it this morning, and there was no time to send word, for I met him on the way out. I never thought of asking leave, when you have always told me to do as I liked. I never tried it before, and hang me if I ever do again!” added John, with an aggrieved air.

  “I should hope not! Take him away at once; I can’t see him and there isn’t any dinner.”

  “Well, I like that! Where’s the beef and vegetables I sent home, and the pudding you promised?” cried John, rushing to the larder.

  “I hadn’t time to cook anything; I meant to dine at Mother’s. I’m sorry, but I was so busy;” and Meg’s tears began again.

  John was a mild man, but he was human; and after a long day’s work to come home tired, hungry, and hopeful, to find a chaotic house, an empty table, and a cross wife was not exactly conducive to repose of mind or manner. He restrained himself, however, and the little squall would have blown over, but for one unlucky word.

  “It’s a scrape, I acknowledge, but if you will lend a hand, we’ll pull through and have a good time yet. Don’t cry, dear, but just exert yourself a bit, and fix us up something to eat. We’re both as hungry as hunters, so we shan’t mind what it is. Give us the cold meat, and bread and cheese; we won’t ask for jelly.”

  He meant it for a good-natured joke, but that one word sealed his fate. Meg thought it was too cruel to hint about her sad failure, and the last atom of patience vanished as he spoke.

  “You must get yourself out of the scrape as you can, I’m too used up to ‘exert’ myself for anyone. It’s like a man to propose a bone and vulgar bread and cheese for company. I won’t have anything of the sort in my house. Take that Scott up to Mother’s, and tell him I’m away, sick, dead – anything. I won’t see him, and you two can laugh at me and my jelly as much as you like: you won’t have anything else here.” And having delivered her defiance all on one breath, Meg cast away her pinafore and precipitately left the field to bemoan herself in her own room.

  What those two creatures did in her absence, she never knew; but Mr. Scott was not taken “up to Mother‘s,” and when Meg descended, after they had strolled away together, she found traces of a promiscuous lunch which filled her with horror. Lotty reported that they had eaten “a much, and greatly laughed, and the master bid her throw away all the sweet stuff, and hide the pots.”

  Meg longed to go and tell Mother, but a sense of shame at her own shortcomings, of loyalty to John, “who might be cruel, but nobody should know it,” restrained her, and after a summary clearing up, she dressed herself prettily, and sat down to wait for John to come and be forgiven.

  Unfortunately, John didn’t come, not seeing the matter in that light. He had carried it off as a good joke with Scott, excused his little wife as well as he could, and played the host so hospitably that his friend enjoyed the impromptu dinner, and promised to come again. But John was angry, though he did not show it; he felt that Meg had got him into a scrape, and then deserted him in his hour of need. “It wasn’t fair to tell a man to bring folks home any time, with perfect freedom, and when he took you at your word, to flame up and blame him, and leave him in the lurch, to be laughed at or pitied. No, by George, it wasn‘t! and Meg must know it.” He had fumed inwardly during the feast, but when the flurry was over and he strolled home after seeing Scott off, a milder mood came over him. “Poor little thing! It was hard upon her when she tried so heartily to please me. She was wrong, of course, but then she was young. I must be patient and teach her.” He hoped she had not gone home – he hated gossip and interference. For a minute he was ruffled again at the mere thought of it; and then the fear that Meg would cry herself sick softened his heart, and sent him on at a quicker pace, resolving to be calm and kind, but firm, quite firm, and show her where she had failed in her duty to her spouse.

  Meg likewise resolved to be “calm and kind, but firm,” and show him his duty. She longed to run to meet him, and beg pardon, and be kissed and comforted, as she was sure of being; but, of course, she did nothing of the sort, and when she saw John coming, began to hum quite naturally, as she rocked and sewed, like a lady of leisure in her best parlor.

  John was a little disappointed not to find a tender Niobe,[165] but feeling that his dignity demanded the first apology, he made none, only came leisurely in and laid himself upon the sofa with the singularly relevant remark, “We are going to have a new moon, my dear.”

  “I’ve no objection” was Meg’s equally soothing remark.

  A few other topics of general interest were introduced by Mr. Brooke and wet-blanketed by Mrs. Brooke, and conversation languished. John went to one window, unfolded his paper, and wrapped himself in it, figuratively speaking. Meg went to the other window, and sewed as if new rosettes for her slippers were among the necessaries of life. Neither spoke; both looked quite “calm and firm,” and both felt desperately uncomfortable.

  “Oh dear,” thought Meg, “married life is very trying, and does need infinite patience as well as love, as Mother says.” The word “Mother” suggested other maternal counsels given long ago, and received with unbelieving protests.

  “John is a good man, but he has his faults, and you must learn to see and bear with them, remembering your own. He is very decided, but never will be obstinate, if you reason kindly, not oppose impatiently. He is very accurate, and particular about the truth – a good trait, though you call him ‘fussy.’ Never deceive him by look or word, Meg, and he will give you the confidence you deserve, the support you need. He has a temper, not like ours – one flash and then all over – but the white, still anger that is seldom stirred, but once kindled is hard to quench. Be careful, very careful, not to wake his anger against yourself, for peace and happiness depend on keeping his respect. Watch yourself, be the first to ask pardon if you both err, and guard against the little piques, misunderstandings, and hasty words that often pave the way for bitter sorrow and regret.”

  These words came back to Meg, as she sat sewing in the sunset, especially the last. This was the first serious disagreement; her own hasty speeches sounded both silly and unkind, as she recalled them, her own anger looked childish now, and thoughts of poor John coming home to such a scene quite melted her heart. She glanced at him with tears in her eyes, but he did not see them; she put down her work and got up, thinking, “I will be the first to say, ‘Forgive me,”’ but he did not seem to hear her; she went very slowly across the room, for pride was hard to swallow, and stood by him, but he did not turn his head. For a minute she felt as if she really couldn’t do it; then came the thought, “This is the beginning, I’ll do my part, and have nothing to reproach myself with,” and stooping down, she softly kissed her husband on the forehead. Of course that settled it; the penitent kiss was better than a world of
words, and John had her on his knee in a minute, saying tenderly:

  “It was too bad to laugh at the poor little jelly pots. Forgive me, dear, I never will again!”

  But he did, oh bless you, yes, hundreds of times, and so did Meg, both declaring that it was the sweetest jelly they ever made, for family peace was preserved in that little family jar.

  After this, Meg had Mr. Scott to dinner by special invitation, and served him up a pleasant feast without a cooked wife for the first course; on which occasion she was so gay and gracious, and made everything go off so charmingly, that Mr. Scott told John he was a happy fellow, and shook his head over the hardships of bachelorhood all the way home.

  In the autumn, new trials and experiences came to Meg. Sallie Moffat renewed her friendship, was always running out for a dish of gossip at the little house, or inviting “that poor dear” to come in and spend the day at the big house. It was pleasant, for in dull weather Meg often felt lonely; all were busy at home, John absent till night, and nothing to do but sew, or read, or potter about.[166] So it naturally fell out that Meg got into the way of gadding and gossiping with her friend. Seeing Sallie’s pretty things made her long for such, and pity herself because she had not got them. Sallie was very kind, and often offered her the coveted trifles; but Meg declined them, knowing that John wouldn’t like it; and then this foolish little woman went and did what John disliked infinitely worse.

  She knew her husband’s income, and she loved to feel that he trusted her, not only with his happiness, but what some men seem to value more – his money. She knew where it was, was free to take what she liked, and all he asked was that she should keep account of every penny, pay bills once a month, and remember that she was a poor man’s wife. Till now she had done well, been prudent and exact, kept her little account books neatly, and showed them to him monthly without fear. But that autumn the serpent got into Meg’s paradise, and tempted her like many a modern Eve, not with apples, but with dress. Meg didn’t like to be pitied and made to feel poor; it irritated her, but she was ashamed to confess it, and now and then she tried to console herself by buying something pretty, so that Sallie needn’t think she had to economize. She always felt wicked after it, for the pretty things were seldom necessaries; but then they cost so little, it wasn’t worth worrying about, so the trifles increased unconsciously, and in the shopping excursions she was no longer a passive looker-on.

  But the trifles cost more than one would imagine, and when she cast up her accounts at the end of the month the sum total rather scared her. John was busy that month and left the bills to her, the next month he was absent, but the third he had a grand quarterly settling up, and Meg never forgot it. A few days before she had done a dreadful thing, and it weighed upon her conscience. Sallie had been buying silks, and Meg longed for a new one – just a handsome light one for parties, her black silk was so common, and thin things for evening wear were only proper for girls. Aunt March usually gave the sisters a present of twenty-five dollars apiece at New Year’s; that was only a month to wait, and here was a lovely violet silk going at a bargain, and she had the money, if she only dared to take it. John always said what was his was hers, but would he think it right to spend not only the prospective five-and-twenty, but another five-and-twenty out of the household fund? That was the question. Sallie had urged her to do it, had offered to lend the money, and with the best intentions in life had tempted Meg beyond her strength. In an evil moment the shopman held up the lovely, shimmering folds, and said, “A bargain, I assure you, ma‘am.” She answered, “I’ll take it,” and it was cut off and paid for, and Sallie had exulted, and she had laughed as if it were a thing of no consequence, and driven away, feeling as if she had stolen something, and the police were after her.

  When she got home, she tried to assuage the pangs of remorse by spreading forth the lovely silk; but it looked less silvery now, didn’t become her, after all, and the words “fifty dollars” seemed stamped like a pattern down each breadth. She put it away, but it haunted her, not delightfully as a new dress should, but dreadfully like the ghost of a folly that was not easily laid. When John got out his books that night, Meg’s heart sank, and for the first time in her married life, she was afraid of her husband. The kind, brown eyes looked as if they could be stern, and though he was unusually merry, she fancied he had found her out, but didn’t mean to let her know it. The house bills were all paid, the books all in order. John had praised her, and was undoing the old pocketbook which they called the “bank,” when Meg, knowing that it was quite empty, stopped his hand, saying nervously –

  “You haven’t seen my private expense book yet.”

  John never asked to see it; but she always insisted on his doing so, and used to enjoy his masculine amazement at the queer things women wanted, and made him guess what “piping”[167] was, demand fiercely the meaning of a “hug-me-tight,”[168] or wonder how a little thing composed of three rosebuds, a bit of velvet, and a pair of strings, could possibly be a bonnet, and cost five or six dollars. That night he looked as if he would like the fun of quizzing her figures and pretending to be horrified at her extravagance, as he often did, being particularly proud of his prudent wife.

  The little book was brought slowly out and laid down before him. Meg got behind his chair under pretense of smoothing the wrinkles out of his tired forehead, and standing there, she said, with her panic increasing with every word –

  “John, dear, I’m ashamed to show you my book, for I’ve really been dreadfully extravagant lately. I go about so much I must have things, you know, and Sallie advised my getting it, so I did; and my New Year’s money will partly pay for it: but I was sorry after I’d done it, for I knew you’d think it wrong in me.”

  John laughed, and drew her round beside him, saying good-humoredly, “Don’t go and hide. I won’t beat you if yon have got a pair of killing boots; I’m rather proud of my wife’s feet, and don’t mind if she does pay eight or nine dollars for her boots, if they are good ones.”

  That had been one of her last “trifles,” and John’s eye had fallen on it as he spoke. “Oh, what will he say when he comes to that awful fifty dollars!” thought Meg, with a shiver.

  “It’s worse than boots, it’s a silk dress,” she said, with the calmness of desperation, for she wanted the worst over.

  “Well, dear, what is the ‘dem’d total,’ as Mr. Mantalini[169] says?”

  That didn’t sound like John, and she knew he was looking up at her with the straightforward look that she had always been ready to meet and answer with one as frank till now. She turned the page and her head at the same time, pointing to the sum which would have been bad enough without the fifty, but which was appalling to her with that added. For a minute the room was very still, then John said slowly – but she could feel it cost him an effort to express no displeasure –

  “Well, I don’t know that fifty is much for a dress, with all the furbelows [170] and notions you have to have to finish it off these days.”

  “It isn’t made or trimmed,” sighed Meg faintly, for a sudden recollection of the cost still to be incurred quite overwhelmed her.

  “Twenty-five yards of silk seems a good deal to cover one small woman, but I’ve no doubt my wife will look as fine as Ned Moffat’s when she gets it on,” said John dryly.

  “I know you are angry, John, but I can’t help it. I don’t mean to waste your money, and I didn’t think those little things would count up so. I can’t resist them when I see Sallie buying all she wants, and pitying me because I don’t. I try to be contented, but it is hard, and I’m tired of being poor.”

  The last words were spoken so low she thought he did not hear them, but he did, and they wounded him deeply, for he had denied himself many pleasures for Meg’s sake. She could have bitten her tongue out the minute she had said it, for John pushed the books away and got up, saying with a little quiver in his voice, “I was afraid of this, I do my best, Meg.” If he had scolded her, or even shaken her, it would n
ot have broken her heart like those few words. She ran to him and held him close, crying, with repentant tears, “Oh, John, my dear, kind, hard-working boy, I didn’t mean it! It was so wicked, so untrue and ungrateful, how could I say it! Oh, how could I say it!”

  He was very kind, forgave her readily, and did not utter one reproach; but Meg knew that she had done and said a thing which would not be forgotten soon, although he might never allude to it again. She had promised to love him for better, for worse; and then she, his wife, had reproached him with his poverty, after spending his earnings recklessly. It was dreadful, and the worst of it was John went on so quietly afterward, just as if nothing had happened, except that he stayed in town later, and worked at night when she had gone to cry herself to sleep. A week of remorse nearly made Meg sick, and the discovery that John had countermanded the order for his new greatcoat [171] reduced her to a state of despair which was pathetic to behold. He had simply said, in answer to her surprised inquiries as to the change, “I can’t afford it, my dear.”

  Meg said no more, but a few minutes after he found her in the hall with her face buried in the old greatcoat, crying as if her heart would break.

  They had a long talk that night, and Meg learned to love her husband better for his poverty, because it seemed to have made a man of him, given him the strength and courage to fight his own way, and taught him a tender patience with which to bear and comfort the natural longings and failures of those he loved.

  Next day she put her pride in her pocket, went to Sallie, told the truth, and asked her to buy the silk as a favor. The good-natured Mrs. Moffat willingly did so, and had the delicacy not to make her a present of it immediately afterward. Then Meg ordered home the greatcoat, and, when John arrived, she put it on, and asked him how he liked her new silk gown. One can imagine what answer he made, how he received his present, and what a blissful state of things ensued. John came home early, Meg gadded no more, and that greatcoat was put on in the morning by a very happy husband, and taken off at night by a most devoted little wife. So the year rolled round, and at midsummer there came to Meg a new experience-the deepest and tenderest of a woman’s life.