by John Larkin
‘It’s my favourite TV show in the history of the universe,’ said Kevin.
‘I thought Big Bother was your favourite show,’ said Rebecca.
‘Yeah, well this is my favourite show after Big Bother,’ replied Kevin. ‘Anyway, Big Bother isn’t on any more. They’re gunna do a tween and teen and celebrity edition next though.’
Rebecca looked at the show that Kevin was watching. There was a weird green-looking guy in a cape splattering evildoers with green goo. ‘I’ve never seen you watching this before,’ she said.
‘Oh, duh!’ replied Kevin. ‘It only started today.’
‘What’s it called?’
‘Kaptain Kersplat!’
‘Kaptain Kersplat?’ asked Rebecca.
‘Yeah,’ said Kevin. ‘He’s like this totally unreal superhero. He kersplats baddies with his super-sticky green gooey gunk before they can do bad stuff.’
Rebecca watched as Kaptain Kersplat kersplatted a baddie with some of the most disgusting-looking green gooey gunk she’d ever seen.
‘What is that stuff?’ she asked. Although now that she thought about it, she didn’t really want to know.
‘Stored-up gooey boogers I reckon.’
‘Ew, gross!’ snorted Rebecca. ‘Anyway, how come he’s able to stop baddies before they can do bad stuff? What, is he, like a fortune teller or something?’ Rebecca thought of the Amazing Beryl. Somebody ought to make a cartoon character out of her.
‘Oh, duh!’ snapped Kevin, barging into Rebecca’s thoughts. ‘When Kaptain Kersplat sees baddies doing bad stuff, he rotates the universe backwards on its axis and goes back in time and then kersplats the baddies before they can do the bad stuff.’
Rebecca looked at the TV totally dumbstruck. ‘You mean that he has the power to go back in time and stop crime happening before it happens, but when he gets there all he can think to do is flick enormous green gooey boogers at people?’
‘Yeah,’ said Kevin. ‘Brilliant!’
Rebecca wondered what it must feel like to be a baddie in a Kaptain Kersplat kartoon. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this weird little guy in a green cape and yellow gumboots turns up and starts flicking huge green gooey boogers at you, even though you haven’t actually done anything yet. Weird.
Finally Kaptain Kersplat finished rotating the universe backwards on its axis and splattering baddies with his green gooey gunk. Now it was time for Rebecca’s favourite show – Saddle Soar.
‘I don’t know how you can watch this dumb series,’ said Kevin. ‘It’s the same story every week.’
Rebecca was shocked. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well,’ said Kevin, ‘Daniela does something mean and nasty, gets busted badly, says she’s sorry and everyone forgives her and then gives her a hug. And if we’re really unlucky they sing a lame song about it.’
Rebecca buried her face in her huge popcorn bowl. Now that she thought about it, she had to admit that Kevin did have a bit of a point. So far in this series of Saddle Soar, Daniela had unbolted all the bunk beds in the dorm so that they came crashing down on top of the other girls, just so that she could win the show-jumping competition. She’d also let all the other girls’ horses loose on the highway, just so that she could win the show-jumping competition. Then with the aid of her father’s helicopter, she’d somehow managed to redirect a bushfire towards the stables that housed the other girls’ horses, just so that she could win the show-jumping competition. On top of all that she’d broken up the wedding of the Dozy Gums manager, caused the collapse of a local dam, interrupted the equestrian event at the Olympic Games, caused NASA to postpone its latest space-shuttle launch and, by borrowing some crucial equipment from her father’s gold mine, had caused a major geological fault just beneath the stables that housed the other girls’ horses. All just so that she could win the show-jumping competition. Somehow though, just as Daniela was about to win, she would always be miraculously found out. And of course she would burst into tears in an attempt to avoid jail. Then all the other girls (providing they hadn’t fallen into a crack in the earth’s surface, or been burnt to a crisp in the bushfire) would forgive her and then give her a group hug. Then they would sing a song about it and everything would be perfect until the next episode when Daniela would be back to her old tricks again, only this time with a new haircut and a squadron of highly trained horseflies.
‘Maybe we should set Kaptain Kersplat and his green gooey boogers on her,’ said Rebecca.
‘Brilliant!’ agreed Kevin.
Rebecca watched this week’s episode and enjoyed it. Though even she had to admit it was a bit lame compared to the time that Daniela released some live crocodiles and anacondas into the stables that housed the other girls’ horses, just so that she could win the show-jumping competition. This week, however, the horses must have gone on strike so the Saddle Soar girls decided to go on a bike ride instead. Just before they set off, however, they noticed that Daniela had let all the air out of their tyres, just so that she could win the show-jumping competition. Actually that didn’t quite work because without the horses there wasn’t going to be any show-jumping competition. So the girls pumped up their tyres and cycled along the road, singing a song about how great it was to be cycling along the road, when suddenly Daniela came soaring out of a tree at them on a Tarzan-style vine and sent them all flying into the path of an oncoming tractor.
Unfortunately for Rebecca it was one of those ‘To be continued’ episodes and she didn’t know if she could hang on until next week.
Just as Rebecca was about to switch the TV off, there was a special announcement from the producers of Saddle Soar.
When the announcement had finished, Rebecca sat there with her big horse mouth so wide open that it was almost touching the floor. In fact, she was so excited by the news that she forgot all about the Amazing Beryl and the mystical one-legged Sherpas of the Upper Langtang Valley in Nepal.
But then she remembered that she was a horse and she felt as though she just might cry.
10
Rebecca felt that if her shoulders slumped any lower they might actually fall off.
‘What’s up, horse girl?’ said Kevin. ‘Why the long face?’
Rebecca could still hardly believe it. ‘Ricky Dixie has left Saddle Soar.’
Ricky Dixie was Rebecca’s favourite character in the whole history of ten universes. She was always the soothing and calm voice of reason. She had a kind, pleasant, trustworthy face. Even her teeth glinted when she smiled. Whenever Daniela had pushed things too far, like that time she took the other girls’ horses parachuting, just so that she could win the show-jumping competition, it was always Ricky Dixie’s reassuring gentle manner that argued against sending Daniela to jail or to a small, uninhabited island in the South Pacific.
But now Ricky Dixie, or the actor who played her, had left the show for a career in a clothes shop or something and the producers were looking for a replacement.
‘You should go for it,’ said Kevin, after Rebecca had finished explaining what had happened.
‘Are you kidding?’ said Rebecca. ‘Me, audition for a part in Saddle Soar?’
‘Yeah,’ said Kevin. ‘Why not? You know all the characters.’
‘Oh, duh!’ Rebecca couldn’t believe that he was serious. ‘I’ll tell you why not!’ she said. ‘Because they’d probably sign me up as one of the horses and Daniela would bounce me over a cliff on a pogo stick . . .’
‘. . . Just so that she could win the show-jumping competition,’ said Rebecca and Kevin together.
‘Also,’ said Rebecca, ‘I’m getting clumsy and forgetful lately. I’m also too big.’
‘If they haven’t noticed that Saddle Soar has exactly the same plot every week,’ argued Kevin, ‘then they’re not going to notice that you’ve been turned into a horse, are they? No one else has. Not even the fossils.’
Maybe Kevin was right. Then again, maybe not. Either way, she felt it was too risky to appear on national TV, especially on a show
about horses. Someone was bound to notice and then the game would be up and they’d come and stick her in the zoo, or enter her in the Melbourne Cup, or make her appear as a sideshow freak in the Dingaling Brothers’ Big Top, Flying Monkeys and Sea Slug Circus Extravaganza.
No. She would keep a low profile and track down the Amazing Beryl and the mystical one-legged Sherpas of the Upper Langtang Valley in Nepal. And then she would get the Amazing Beryl to turn her back into a twelve-year-old girl again.
Unfortunately, though, Rebecca’s mother had other ideas.
11
Rebecca and Kevin helped their mother lug the groceries in from the car. She must have had about fifty green shopping bags under the bonnet of her old beetle car and wedged in the back seat.
Rebecca clip-clopped up the front steps with about twenty or so shopping-bag handles crammed in her mouth. They must have weighed about a gazillion tonnes.
She trotted into the kitchen and lowered the shopping bags onto the floor. ‘What did you buy, Mum?’ she asked.
‘Five hundred cans of baked beans,’ replied their mum, as she started packing the cans of beans away. She looked quite pleased with herself.
‘Five hundred?’ said Rebecca.
‘Great!’ said Kevin, who felt the same way about baked beans as piranhas do about a wounded cow.
‘Kevin, darling,’ said Mum, ‘can you ferry some of the cans out to your father’s shed for me please? Put the lawn mower and whipper snipper out in the rain if you have to.’
Kevin picked up a couple of bags. ‘No worries, Mumpkin.’
‘Why’d you buy so many?’ asked Rebecca, not unreasonably.
‘Because they were on special,’ replied their mum. ‘A dollar off.’
‘So you saved five hundred dollars?’ said Rebecca. Not a bad effort, she had to admit. Though they would be eating baked beans for the next couple of years and would have to stay clear of Kevin.
‘No,’ said Mum as she heaved more of the cans into the pantry. ‘It was a dollar off for every five hundred cans. I was going to get a thousand, but they wouldn’t have fitted in the car.’
Rebecca could hardly believe it. Then again she shouldn’t have been too shocked. Her mum did once crochet a jumper that had three sleeves. Then there was that time that she turned a vacuum-cleaner salesman away at the door on account of the fact that she didn’t have a dirty vacuum.
‘So you saved a dollar?’ said Rebecca.
‘Yep,’ replied Mum as she opened up a couple of cans for dinner. ‘Every little bit counts.’
Then their mum turned to Kevin who had just returned from his first shed run. ‘So it’s baked beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner.’
‘Great!’ said Kevin.
‘Gross!’ sneered Rebecca. ‘You’re gunna turn into another version of Kaptain Kersplat.’
‘That would be so great!’ said Kevin, as he lugged a couple more bags out the back.
‘Anyway, Rebecca,’ said Mum. ‘Sit down. I’ve got some exciting news for you.’
‘I am sitting down,’ said Rebecca.
Rebecca’s mum looked at her. She was sitting on the floor. ‘Well, as I was saying,’ continued Mum, ‘as I was waiting in the checkout queue, I started flicking through the magazines that they have at the counter. I ended up reading that magazine that you used to love. You know: Girlz Powa Rulz!.’
Rebecca’s mum was right. Girlz Powa Rulz! was Rebecca’s favourite magazine of all time. Or at least it was until she realised that they were like the worstest spellaz in da univerze.
‘And I read,’ continued Mum, ‘that Ricky Dixie has left Saddle Soar and they’re holding auditions for a replacement on the weekend. Isn’t that exciting?’
‘Not really,’ said Rebecca.
‘Oh, come on,’ chided her mum, ‘you’re just trying to be cool. I think you should go for it. It’ll be good for your confidence.’
‘No, it won’t,’ replied Rebecca. ‘There’ll be about a billion girls and a few hundred boys auditioning for the part. Why should they give it to me?’
‘Because you want it more than anyone else,’ said Mum.
‘No, I don’t.’
‘Yes, you do,’ insisted Mum gently. ‘Remember how Charlie really wanted to win that golden ticket in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Well, he wanted it so badly that in the end he got it.’
Rebecca shook her head. ‘Mum! That was a book and a movie. This is real life,’ said Rebecca.
‘Don’t be so negative, darling.’ Rebecca’s mother came over and gave her a hug. ‘We’ll go to the audition. As my old grandpapsy used to say: “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Said that all the time he did. Sometimes as often as 6000 times a day. In the end we had to shove a sock in his mouth.’
Rebecca cheered up a bit. Okay, she would go to the audition, if only to keep her mum happy. If she didn’t go, then her mother would keep going on and on and on and on and on about it like a dripping tap, just like her old grandpapsy used to.
‘Here,’ said Mum. She pulled a copy of Girlz Powa Rulz! out of her handbag and handed it to Rebecca. ‘All the information is here.’
While Kevin finished packing away the last of the baked beans into the shed, Rebecca clip-clopped down the hall and into her bedroom. She dropped Girlz Powa Rulz! onto her bed and flicked it open with her nose. Eventually she found the page with the Saddle Soar information.
The producers were looking for a new Ricky Dixie blah, blah, blah. Exciting opportunity for a young actor blah, blah, blah. Auditions were this weekend on the Dozy Gums set blah, blah, blah. Whoever was cast in the role would receive a contract for the next series blah, blah, blah. And they would be paid blah . . . how much? Suddenly Rebecca’s ears pricked up. That was a serious amount of cash. She would go to the audition and even if she didn’t get the part of Ricky Dixie she could always try out for one of the horse roles. Imagine if she got the part of Ricky Dixie though. She didn’t know how she would do it. She didn’t know if she could do it, but what they were paying would be enough for a couple of plane tickets to Nepal to track down the Amazing Beryl.
Rebecca put her hooves behind her head and imagined that she was the new Ricky Dixie. That would be unbelievable. She might even appear in Girlz Powa Rulz!.
Maybe her mum was right. She had as much chance as anyone else. She had as much chance as any other girl who loved Saddle Soar.
Rebecca got up and looked at herself in the mirror. She had as much chance as a snowman in a bushfire.
12
Rebecca and her mother drove through the countryside in her mother’s old beetle. Fortunately for Rebecca it was a lovely sunny day, so they drove with the top down. She was able to sit back and enjoy the sun on her face and the feeling of the wind rushing through her teeth and mane.
Rebecca’s mother pulled her old beetle car into the car park. A large sign over the lot read:
WELCOME TO DOZY GUMS. HOME OF SADDLE SOAR.
As soon as Rebecca had squeezed her way out of the car, she desperately wanted to squeeze her way back into it again. Of all the cars parked in and around the Dozy Gums car park, whose did she happen to see first? Brittney ‘Too Cool’ Tonelli’s, that’s whose. Well, she couldn’t really miss it. Brittney Tonelli’s parents owned a pink stretch limo that was so long that the people in the front seat could be home half an hour before those in the back. They also had ‘Too Cool’ personalised numberplates.
Rebecca trudged towards the audition lines with her head hung so low that it was almost underground.
‘Don’t slouch, darling,’ chided her mum. ‘It’s bad for your posture.’
Rebecca looked at the rows of girls. There must have been about 10,000 of them auditioning for the part of Ricky Dixie. Well 9999 girls and one horse. There was just no way that the producers would offer Rebecca the part. She knew it. They knew it. Her mother knew it. Brittney Tonelli would definitely know it. Everyone knew it. This was just a complete waste of time. She should have been at home studying
, reading, filing her hooves, standing in the middle of a field, looking over a fence, or tracking down the Amazing Beryl and the mystical one-legged Sherpas of the Upper Langtang Valley in Nepal.
Brittney Tonelli was a new girl at school. Talk about stuck up. Her nose was so high in the air that standing up just about caused her to have a nose bleed. Her mum had invented a new brand of lip gloss – like the world was desperate for more lip gloss – that only came in pink. Two hundred and twenty-two different shades of pink. The company was called Too Cool and was worth gazillions. Mr and Mrs Tonelli even had a pink jet that was shaped like a stick of lip gloss. They gave their only child everything she wanted, including her own clothing line and a petting zoo because Brittney thought it would be kind of cool to own a pink rhinoceros. She threw a major wobbly when the authorities wouldn’t allow her parents to spraypaint it pink. ‘It’s, like, my rhinoceros. I should be able to paint it any colour I want!’ Then she’d stormed off to her room and sulked for a week, apparently.
Brittney had hated Rebecca on sight because Rebecca knew more about horses than she did. The school librarian, Mr Marlowe, had held a horse quiz on the last Melbourne Cup day and although Brittney was the runner-up, Rebecca had won easily and had her photo taken for the school newsletter and everything. A few days later Rebecca had come to school and found a horse’s head sitting on her desk – a warning perhaps. Fortunately it wasn’t a real one, but made out of papier mâché. And when Brittney had a birthday party and her parents had hired out an amusement park for the day, the whole class had been invited except Rebecca.
‘Like, what are you doing here, Gallop?’
Rebecca just ignored her and tried to think happy thoughts.
‘Rebecca,’ said Mum, shoehorning her way into Rebecca’s happyish thoughts. ‘Your friend’s asking you a question.’
