by John Larkin
‘Friend?’ Rebecca looked at her mum and wondered if she’d had her brain replaced by a lettuce, again.
‘Anyway, Ton-smelly,’ said Rebecca, ‘my name’s Yallop, not Gallop, for your big, fat, pink information.’
‘What . . . ’ replied Brittney, ‘ . . . ever. So what are you, like, doing here?’
‘Oh, duh,’ said Rebecca. ‘I’m, like, waiting for a bus, but I thought, while I’m here I may as well audition for the part of Ricky Dixie.’
Brittney snorted. ‘Like, maybe if they’re casting, like, a horse, you might have a chance.’ Then she turned away to answer her mobile.
The wait was torturous. Almost as bad as being turned into a horse. Rebecca felt that Brittney Tonelli was one of those people who obviously believed that if their mouths stopped moving their brains might start working. While waiting in the line for her turn to audition, Brittney must have made about five million calls on her hot-pink mobile. Even Rebecca’s mum began to get annoyed.
‘How many friends can she have?’ said Rebecca’s mum as Brittney dialled another number.
‘She’s probably phoning the talking clock,’ said Rebecca, and her mum laughed.
Finally, after about a three-hour wait, they neared the front of the line.
‘Okay,’ said a production assistant. ‘Because of the number of girls auditioning for the part, you’ll only get one chance. If you make a mistake, don’t stop but keep going.’
‘You’ve got no chance, Gallop,’ snarled Brittney.
‘Name?’ said the production assistant to Brittney.
‘Oh, paleeze!’ replied Brittney. ‘Don’t tell me that you don’t recognise me. What planet have you been living on?’
‘Name?’ demanded the production assistant.
Brittney put her hands on her hips. ‘Brittney Tonelli.’ Then she turned to Rebecca. ‘Like she doesn’t know.’
‘Any acting experience, Brittney?’ asked the assistant.
Brittney put her hands on her hips. ‘I’m the star of the Too Cool lip gloss commercials.’
‘We mean acting work,’ said the assistant.
Brittney was totally speechless.
‘I’ll just tick “no” then, shall I?’ said the assistant as she made a tick on her clipboard.
Then the assistant turned to Rebecca. ‘Name?’
‘Rebecca Yallop.’
‘Any acting experience, Rebecca?’
‘No,’ replied Rebecca. ‘No acting experience.’ Well, apart from spending the last couple of weeks being a 300-kilogram horse pretending to be a twelve-year-old girl, that is.
‘Well, good luck, Rebecca,’ said the assistant.
Brittney Tonelli was called to the set and positioned herself on the horse corral fence as it had stated in the script.
‘Set,’ said the director. ‘And action.’
A second assistant came running up to Brittney. She was playing the part of Jasmine for the auditions.
‘Ricky, have you seen Daniela? All the horses are missing again.’
Brittney took a deep breath and put her hand on her forehead for effect. ‘I saw her down by the disused airfield. She was loading the horses onto a troop transporter. I didn’t think much of it because she said that she was, like, taking them for a vet check-up in Ecuador.’
‘Ecuador?’
Brittney threw up her arms in horror. ‘Oh no!’ she gasped. ‘She must really want to win the show-jumping competition this time.’ She buried her face in her hands and started sobbing.
‘Cut,’ shouted the director. ‘Thank you.’ She handed Brittney a tissue because Brittney’s acting was so real that she was still caught up in the moment. She wiped away the tears from her eyes.
‘Wow,’ said Rebecca’s mum. ‘She’s good.’
‘Do you want me to sign the contract now?’ asked Brittney as she dabbed at her nose with the tissue.
‘Not just yet,’ said the director. ‘There are still a few more girls we’ve got to see.’
As Brittney walked away from the corral, a couple of the other girls applauded her performance. She smiled at them and then poked her tongue out at Rebecca.
‘Next,’ said the assistant.
As Rebecca trotted onto the set she had never felt so self-conscious in her entire life. Everyone was staring at her. Everyone! Surely someone must have noticed that she was a horse.
Being a 300-kilogram horse meant that Rebecca wasn’t really able to sit on the horse corral fence. Not for very long anyway. Instead, she stuck her head over the fence like a . . . well, like a horse.
The director called everyone to set again. ‘And action.’ The second assistant went through the Jasmine routine again.
Unlike Brittney, however, who tried to milk the moment for all it was worth, Rebecca had watched enough movies to know that sometimes actors had to underplay the role. So Rebecca opted to deliver her lines in a laid-back manner, as if she wasn’t really interested. Bored even.
‘Ricky, have you seen Daniela? All the horses are missing again.’
Rebecca chewed casually on some gum. ‘I saw her down by the disused airfield. She was loading the horses onto a troop transporter. I didn’t think much of it because she said that she was taking them for a vet check-up in Ecuador.’
‘Ecuador?’
‘Oh no!’ she said, while stifling back a yawn. ‘She must really want to win the show-jumping competition this time.’
The second assistant burst out laughing.
Rebecca gulped. Had she been that bad?
‘Cut!’ shouted the director with a big smile on her face. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘Next!’
Rebecca slumped away from the corral. Goodbye Dozy Gums, she thought.
Her mum threw her coat around her. It was getting quite chilly now that the shadows around Dozy Gums had lengthened.
‘Oh, well,’ said her mum philosophically. ‘At least you tried your best.’ She zipped up her own coat. ‘You did try your best, didn’t you?’
‘Yesssssss!’ hissed Rebecca like a startled snake.
‘They’ll probably give it to that Brittney girl,’ said her mum. ‘She was very good.’
Rebecca rolled her eyes.
‘Do you want to go home?’ said Rebecca’s mum. ‘Or wait until they announce it?’
‘May as well wait,’ said Rebecca. ‘We’ve been here this long.’
‘Be a nice touch if you congratulated Brittney when she’s offered the part,’ said her mum.
This time Rebecca’s eyes rolled so far back in her head that they practically went all the way around.
When all the girls had finished auditioning, the director had a short meeting with the producer and her assistants. Then she climbed up on top of a milk crate so that the multitudes could see her.
‘It’s been a long day,’ sighed the director. ‘A very long day. Thank you all for coming out and auditioning.’
There was so much tension in the air that you could have cut it with a chainsaw. Not one girl had left the set. Not one.
‘Acting,’ continued the director, ‘isn’t easy. It’s a lot more subtle than most of you realise. You don’t order a milkshake as if you’re talking about the end of the world, but then again you should talk about the end of the world as if you’re ordering a milkshake.’
Everyone looked confused. What was all that stuff about milkshakes and the world ending? The poor director had obviously had a very long day. Someone should get her a milkshake.
‘And so,’ continued the director, ‘the part of Ricky Dixie goes to . . .’
The director looked at a piece of paper that was in her hand. Brittney Tonelli touched up her hair ready to accept the applause and the part. A couple of girls next to her patted her on the back. She looked across at Rebecca and her mum and poked her tongue out at Rebecca.
‘Get ready to race to the car,’ whispered Rebecca’s mum. ‘They’ll be an almighty traffic jam if we don’t hurry.’
The director cleared her throat
and tried again. ‘The part of Ricky Dixie goes to . . . ’
13
Wait for it.
14
‘. . . Rebecca Yallop.’
15
When the director announced that Rebecca had successfully auditioned for the role of Ricky Dixie in Saddle Soar, a number of things happened simultaneously:
• several thousand of the unsuccessful girls put on a mass sulk,
• Brittney Tonelli turned an unusual shade of pink and her bottom lip wobbled out of control,
• Rebecca’s mum had to stop running and turn around because by the time the director had finished announcing Rebecca’s name, Rebecca’s mum had made it to the car park and was fishing around inside her handbag for her car keys, and
• after weeks of searching, the Amazing Beryl finally located the mystical one-legged Sherpas of the upper Langtang Valley in Nepal.
‘Wow,’ whispered Rebecca to her mum who had finally made her way back from the car park and had given Rebecca a huge hug.
‘There must be some mistake,’ screeched Brittney Tonelli.
The director folded her arms and looked at Brittney. ‘You overplayed it,’ said the director. ‘You all did. All except the tall girl, that is.’
‘But, but, but . . . ’ began Brittney Not-So-Cool-Now-Are-You? Tonelli as her lip began to wobble again.
‘Everyone else tried to win an Oscar with a simple line about Daniela taking the horses to Ecuador,’ continued the director. ‘Only Rebecca delivered it like, “Oh, yawn, Daniela’s up to her old tricks again.” That’s how we wanted it, that’s how she did it. And so she got the part.’
‘It’s a dumb show anyway,’ scowled Brittney as she trudged off to the car park where her parents were holding a small party in the back of their limo to celebrate Brittney getting the part of Ricky Dixie.
‘You see,’ said Rebecca’s mum, as they headed off with the director to sign the contracts. ‘If you want something badly enough and you work hard, you’ll get it. I’m so proud of you.’
Rebecca wondered how Kevin would react when he heard that she’d scored the part. She also wondered how on earth she was going to appear in a TV show about horses without anyone noticing that she was one. She wondered how the producer and director would react when she signed the contracts with the pen shoved in her mouth.
16
To celebrate Rebecca being offered the part in Saddle Soar, Rebecca’s mum made her a cake in the shape of an enormous carrot. Also, Rebecca’s dad redecorated her bedroom to make it look like a stable. He hung horseshoes, horse brushes and horse ribbons on the wall, and covered the polished floorboards with hay. Rebecca had never slept so well in her life.
Rebecca spent the rest of the holidays going over her lines for the new series of Saddle Soar, playing chasings around the house with Kevin and just generally hanging out in her stable and eating carrot cake.
At the school assembly on the first morning back, the principal, Mrs Feathershaw, announced that Rebecca had successfully auditioned for a part on Saddle Soar. There was thunderous applause and kids gasped, murmured and patted Rebecca on the back as she made her way down the aisle.
Rebecca looked over at Brittney Tonelli as she clip-clopped her way up the stairs and onto the stage. Brittney looked as though she was just about ready to explode. Rebecca smiled at Brittney. Served her right for being . . . Well, for being Brittney.
Mrs Feathershaw took the microphone. ‘Look at what you can achieve if you work hard,’ she said when the applause had died down. ‘This goes for all of you.’
Rebecca realised that, in truth, she hadn’t worked all that hard to get the part. All she’d done was memorise a few lines and then tried her best not to overact. Despite all this she was happy to agree with the principal, so she nodded and smiled at everyone as the applause thundered around the auditorium again.
Even though she was a horse, Rebecca felt that she could get used to this attention. She sought out Kevin among the sea of faces. He poked his tongue out at her, which caused her to snort slightly.
‘As someone once said,’ continued Mrs Feathershaw, ‘set your sights on the stars and even if you don’t quite make it, you’ll still be a long way above the mud.’
Rebecca looked confused. What was all that about going to the stars? Was this a school excursion? She couldn’t remember getting the permission slip signed. And what was that about mud? Had the janitor, old Mr Snodgrass, left the sprinklers on over the holidays again?
Rebecca shook her head to clear away her horsy thoughts.
It was great to be back at school. Everyone kept congratulating Rebecca for getting the part. A couple of little kids even asked for her autograph. Apart from being a 300-kilogram horse, everything was working out for her. She didn’t realise it, of course, but it was the calm before the storm.
17
Rebecca’s mum’s beetle car burped to a stop in the Dozy Gums car park. The exhaust backfired like an old pack mule as Rebecca’s mum switched the engine off. Rebecca cringed as the Saddle Soar girls looked over to see what all the noise was about. She could see a couple of them laughing at her mum’s car.
‘I can’t stay for filming,’ said Rebecca’s mum. ‘I have to pick up Kevin and your great-grandfather from their kickboxing class. I’ll meet you at the orthodontist’s at five.’
Rebecca was confused. ‘But how will I . . .?’
‘I phoned the producer this morning,’ interrupted her mum. ‘They are going to provide a car to take you.’
‘You asked them to give me a lift?’ Rebecca could hardly believe it. ‘How could you do that without telling me?’
‘Well it was either that or you couldn’t come,’ replied her mum.
‘Mum!’ whinnied Rebecca. ‘They’ll fire me if you do things like that.’
‘I doubt it,’ replied Mum. ‘Do you really think they want to go through that audition process again?’
As if the burping beetle car wasn’t bad enough, Rebecca’s mum reached over and gave her a big kiss on the cheek. Talk about death by embarrassment.
‘Good luck, darling,’ yelled Rebecca’s mum as she fired up the engine again. ‘Break a leg, or break a fetlock rather.’
Rebecca watched her mum drive away, throwing up a cloud of dust in her wake. Break a leg? What did that mean? Then Rebecca remembered that that was what you said to actors on the first night of a play. But what about break a fetlock? Had her mum finally noticed that her daughter had turned into a horse? Then Rebecca realised that her mum probably said ‘break a fetlock’ because she was acting in a show about horses, not because she’d become one. Rebecca smiled as she tossed her backpack over her shoulder and trotted over to join the rest of the cast and crew. Sure, her mum was embarrassing, but she was a parent. That was their job.
‘Welcome, Rebecca,’ said the producer, whose name was Belinda. ‘It’s so nice to have you on board.’
Rebecca offered her front hoof to Belinda and she warmly shook it.
‘This is our fabulous director, Karen,’ said Belinda.
‘Welcome, Rebecca,’ said Karen. ‘Just play it like you did at the audition and it’ll be smooth sailing.’
Rebecca nodded. ‘I’ll try.’
‘That’s the way,’ said Karen. ‘We’re here to help.’
Then Belinda introduced her to the other actors. Apart from Rebecca’s character, Ricky Dixie, there were four other Saddle Soar girls. There was Dominique, Jasmine, Amanda and, of course, the dastardly Daniela. And all of them were really friendly and welcoming. All except Bianca who played Daniela. She sat slightly away from the rest of the Saddle Soar girls reading a book. She nodded at Rebecca when they were introduced, but then went straight back to her book. Maybe she was just like the character she played – completely self-centred and nasty. There was also a stable hand called Darren. He only ever had one line, which was: ‘Oh no! The horses are missing.’ He got to say it on just about every single episode.
After the introduct
ions, Belinda and Karen went over the day’s shooting schedule. The first few days would be spent shooting in and around the stables and the corral, after which they would go into the studios for what they called the interior shots.
‘Any questions?’ asked Belinda when they’d finished.
Rebecca nervously put up her hoof.
‘Yes, Rebecca,’ said Belinda.
‘Do we, er, have to do any riding today?’ she asked tentatively and the rest of the Saddle Soar girls laughed.
Rebecca’s biggest fear about appearing in a TV show about horses was that she would actually have to ride them. She was frightened that she might squish Ricky Dixie’s horse, and surely that would bring everyone’s attention to the fact that she was a horse herself.
In the end she needn’t have worried. Most of the actual riding was done by stunt doubles using long shots. All the close-ups, Belinda informed her when the laughter had subsided, were mainly of the girls sitting on a contraption that had a saddle on it. If it was a moving shot then the contraption would be loaded onto a flatbed trailer and towed along the road or over the hills in and around Dozy Gums.
‘Girlfriend,’ said the girl who played Jasmine, ‘we’re too important to be allowed to ride big doggies.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said Karen. ‘We’ve scheduled an easy first day for you.’
Immediately after the meeting, the girls who weren’t required for the first shot showed Rebecca to her dressing room in the stables. It was pretty small, especially for a horse, but it had a dressing table with lights around it, a chair in which to relax and a clothes rack.
Rebecca sat cautiously on the chair in front of her dressing table, trying not to smash it. Also on the dressing table was the day’s shooting schedule and a copy of the script that Rebecca had already memorised.
In the first episode that Rebecca was to appear in, it was Ricky Dixie’s job to save the day (and the world) from total disaster. Daniela had teamed up with a mad scientist and together they had built a special solar shield that was going to block out the sun, cause an instant ice age and obliterate all life forms on the planet, just so that she could win the show-jumping competition. Fortunately for every living thing on Earth, Ricky Dixie had cottoned on to Daniela’s devious plan and had talked her out of it by allowing Daniela to borrow some of her hair glitter. Together they had then thwarted the mad scientist by pulling out his 400-kilometre-long extension cord, just as he was about to switch on his solar shield and obliterate all life forms on the planet. The mad scientist had been dispatched to a home for the criminally loopy for the rest of his natural life. While Daniela, thanks in no small part to a character reference from Ricky Dixie, had to pick up fifteen papers in the school playground.
