Perfectly Imperfect (Perfectly #1)

by Fabiola Francisco

  I gape at the door of my bedroom for what seems like hours. He’s gone. I can’t believe it. I let the tears fall. I never cry. What’s happened to my strength, my careless façade?

  I feel as if someone just struck their hand into my chest with sharp claws and ripped my heart out, having no mercy.

  The tears finally stop falling a long while later. I’ve lost track of time, so I’m not sure how long it’s been since he left. I feel dry from the inside out. I did it again, I ran. I ran fast and far without looking back at the consequences. Afraid that if I saw what I was leaving behind I would stop myself and succumb to the misery and heartbreak. But isn’t what I’m feeling now heartbreak also? No, I refuse to accept my own feelings. I refuse to take responsibility for myself. I broke the one person I ever really cared about.

  I grab my phone and dial the number imprinted in my head forever. I need to get out of here, away from the memories of Grayson. If my house felt empty after I came back from Promenade, it is completely strange and desolate to me now.

  “Hello?” I hear a husky voice on the other line. I wonder if he is sleeping or if he has some slut over. Oh well, too late to think about that now.

  “Hey, it’s me. Can I come over?”

  “Sure,” he murmurs and gives me his address.

  “See you in a bit.” I hang up. I am definitely running and running fast...right into Chase’s arms.

  I know that’s not what I should do. I should probably be on my own trying to figure this shit out and what exactly I’m feeling, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to have to think about him. I want to subside this pain and give in to my addiction just for a little bit. I don’t want to feel anything at all. I rather numb myself with someone else than feel this pain in my chest. I literally feel the pieces breaking apart from my heart, little by little, like torture. Why can’t it just break all at once and leave me heartless and empty? No, I need to suffer.

  Chapter 10

  The short drive to Chase’s place is blank in my mind. I don’t know if I’ve sped, taken red lights, or if there were any other cars driving along with me. I am lost. I am blinded, blurred out to reality. I have numbed myself completely. I pull into his driveway and feel an unwelcome guilt. Why do I feel like I’m cheating? I’m free to do what I want. Isn’t that what I’ve always wanted anyways? Go and come whenever I want with whomever I want. I push the guilt to the back and step out of my car.

  Chase answers the door with a smug grin, loose fitting sweat pants hanging low to his hips, and shirtless. Bastard. He knows what I’m here for, and he knows how to play this game all too well. I should know; I was his toy for many years.

  “Hey,” I murmur as I walk past the door avoiding eye contact.

  “Good to see you, Mia. I thought I’d never hear from you again now that you’re into monogamy,” he states dryly, and I hear the sarcasm oozing from his unspoken words. I ignore him. If he thinks I’ve changed, I’ll show him I am the same damn person I’ve always been. And at that moment I don’t know if I’m trying to convince him or myself.

  I turn to him without speaking, grab his head to mine and kiss him desperately. I knock him down on the couch, and his breathing is heavy.

  Serves you right for your smartass comment. I think to myself smiling devilishly. He wants to play; well I’m ready to win. I’ve lost enough tonight and this is one game I know how to play well.

  I straddle him on the couch, kissing him again. He grabs my hips and pulls me into him. I feel him hard against me. I know he wants me. I know he’s been trying to fuck me for a while now, and I had sworn I’d never go back. Seeing him two weeks ago was the tip of the iceberg, but it’s not like I haven’t heard from him in two years. I’ve avoided seeing him or responding to his texts.

  I pull my hands up to his hair, trying to tangle them into it, but I can’t. His hair is too short, unlike… No! I will not think of him right now. I will not compare them!

  I move down his body, licking, kissing and nibbling at his ear. His hands roam up and down my body, feeling me all over. I move down his hips, taking his pants with me and freeing him. Boy is he ready for me. Well, he’s going to pay for his comment earlier. I’ll show him how much I’ve “changed.” Looking up at him through my lashes, I see the fire burning in his eyes- his brown eyes, darkening, pleading for more. I start tantalizing him with my hands. I know he thinks I am going to take him at once, but if he wants to play, we’ll play.

  I stroke him slowly, pick up speed, then slow down again as I lick my lips seductively. He closes his eyes and tilts his head back down to the couch, waiting. I bring myself down to him. Softly licking the tip of him. Swirling my tongue around, teasing him. He brings his hands to my head, but I quickly pull them back. He’s not getting his way with me. He wanted to doubt me, well now he’s going to pay for it.

  I suddenly take him completely in my mouth, all the way to the back of my throat, sucking, licking, and slightly scraping my teeth. He gasps, and his breathing quickens even more. He tries thrusting his hips up to control his movements in my mouth again. I buckle him down with my arms. I am in control. I keep moving my mouth around him, driving him crazy. At least I still have control over this aspect of my life.

  I suck him until I feel him start to stiffen, and I stop. I sit up and stare at him.

  “I’m sorry, what did you say when I arrived about monogamy?” He’s in shock and turned on. I know he never thought we’d see each other again, especially in this situation.

  He grabs my hips again and forces me onto him.

  “Fuck what I said. I want you, now.” He turns me over on the couch so he’s on top of me, leaning over me. “My turn to play,” he whispers into my ear leaving chills down my spine. He undresses me quickly, throwing my shirt to the floor and ripping off my pants, taking my underwear with them and grabs a condom from the pocket of his sweatpants. I hear the familiar rip of foil, and he rolls the condom on.

  He thrusts deep into me, making me groan loudly. Hard, fast, careless; that’s how we fuck. It’s so familiar, at once even comforting, but now it feels empty. It feels physically good, sure, but why aren’t I giving in completely?

  I know. It’s because of Grayson, and for once I let myself think about him. I close my eyes and shake my head, clearing his memory from my thoughts. Not now! I concentrate on Chase, meeting each thrust, matching each movement. He continues. He thrusts so deep I feel it deep in my belly, touching every part of my insides before sliding back out. I stop thinking and focus on pleasure, the pleasure I used to feel before emotions got in the way and screwed things up. I move with him, eyes closed, just focusing on the physical pleasure setting off in my body. I finally feel my release coming. I tense around him and yell out in pleasure and pain. My emotions are tornadoing around me; feeling guilty for my escape yet enjoying my climax at the same time.

  I feel him tense and stop moving as he releases himself into me. He slumps onto me when he’s done, both of us trying to catch our breaths. I look at him, eyes closed, breath hitched, grin plastered on his face, and for the first time in years, I feel nothing towards him. Not love, or anger, or hatred, just nothing. And suddenly I wish I were in Grayson’s arms.

  Thankfully Chase doesn’t expect cuddling or talking after we fuck, but I know he’ll think this is the beginning again and there’ll be more to come. It’s going to be hard to convince him this is it; a final goodbye. Maybe that’s what I was holding onto. Maybe that’s why my guard has been up for so long. Although I know my guard was up way before I met him, maybe somewhere within I was holding onto this kind of relationship because of the easiness and comfort it brought with it. Fuck and leave, no complications, no emotions, no worries. But now that I think about it, there were emotions, whether negative or positive, they were there. There was jealousy, hatred, anger. Even love in some twisted way.

  I get up off of him and begin to get dressed in silence. I think I’m going to be sick. What the hell did I just do? Did I just complet
ely ruin things with Grayson by running to Chase? Grayson would never understand my intentions. Well, maybe in the past he would have, but not now. Not if he knew that I ran over here the same night he tells me he loves me. Not after the confrontation he witnessed a couple of weeks ago between Chase and me. Or were things already ruined when I rejected him and let him walk out of my life. Maybe there is no repairing our relationship anyway.

  In a sullen mood and deep in thought, I grab my purse and keys and head for the door. “Leaving already?” Chase stops me.

  “Yes,” I say barely audible and turn to leave.

  “No round two? I was hoping to return the favor.”

  “No, Chase, this was a one time thing.” I say.

  He laughs, “Yeah, I’ve heard that before. So call me again next time you want to release some stress.”

  I walk away, annoyed, head down in defeat. He knows me well. That’s exactly what I did, searched for a release from my reality, gave in to my addiction for a little while.

  I jump in my car and drive away before the tears fall. How did everything get so wrong? I was right earlier; I need to suffer. I caused Grayson pain. I saw it in his eyes, yet I couldn’t get myself to comfort him, to be honest with him. Hell, I couldn’t be honest with myself. I know this was the wrong thing to do, but when someone is broken and addicted, it’s easy to relapse.

  The sun is beginning to rise as I’m getting to my apartment. There is no way I can go to work today. The summer issue with Nika has been sent out, and God knows I can use a personal day. Hell, I can use a sick day. We all know I’m going mental, plus lack of sleep is not a good combination.

  I’ve never taken a day off, and I hate disappointing in my career but I need to go home and rest. I won’t be very productive if I go in, and I can just imagine the whispers of anyone who saw the devastation written all over my face. I call Toni to let her know that I’m not feeling well and change into sweats. I lie on the couch with the TV on, but not watching anything. My mind keeps going back to Grayson. The things he said to me sounded so perfect, yet I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t that long ago that I was starting to let my guard down, and then Chase appeared. Speaking of Chase… what the fuck did I just do? Did I open the floodgates into hell? I know that now he won’t take no for an answer. He can be a persistent son of a bitch.

  I doze off into sleep and welcome it with open arms; anything to not think about my reality. I wake up startled and confused. I check the time on my phone. It’s just a little past noon. I have a text from Steph asking what’s going on and that’ll she’ll be over during her lunch break. I put the phone back down without replying and lay down again.

  I feel so raw, so exposed. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this. Except for maybe when my parents were going through their divorce and shit got bad, but this time I’m the one who ripped Grayson’s heart and in return got mine shattered. So much for not following in my mom’s footsteps. I’ve tried so hard to avoid being her by closing myself off from the world that I ended up being just like her. And what was I thinking running to Chase! I’m not sure this is a mess I could fix easily. I’m sure Grayson will never speak to me again if he found that out, but then again, I guess he already won’t be speaking to me by the way he left last night.

  My heart literally hurts at the thought of never seeing or talking to him again. I wish I could say I was heartless like I have so many times in the past, but what I’m feeling definitely hurts; something is definitely breaking inside.

  There’s a knock at the door, and I put in all my energy to get up and answer. I’m sure it’s Steph checking up on me.

  “Whoa,” her eyes widen as she takes me in. I haven’t seen myself in the mirror, but I can just imagine the hell I look like. “What the hell happened to you?”

  “I’m sick,” I state very matter-of-fact, but she doesn’t buy it.

  “Bullshit. You were fine last night.”

  “It must’ve been a cool breeze or something on the way out of the bar that hit me. Maybe the flu.” I try to cover up and contain from biting my lip because she’ll see through my lie.

  “It’s middle of the summer, Mia. Not cool enough for you to catch the flu just like that. Besides you were already sick a few weeks ago. Did Grayson do something to upset you?” She asks, concern dripping from her voice.

  Before I can answer I collapse on the floor and my body begins to tremble as uncontrollable tears run down my face.

  “What the hell, Mia. Talk to me now. So help me God I will kill him. I thought he was a good guy. What did he do?” She says taking a seat next to me, looking angry as hell.

  “He is a good guy. Don’t get upset at him. It was me. I fucked everything up,” I say between sobs. The more I try to stop crying, the more I cry. Steph just sits next to me cradling my body and waiting for me to finish releasing the pain I’ve been holding in.

  When I finally stop, I find the strength to speak. I tell her everything that happened last night, from the awkward car ride to his return, his honesty about his feelings towards me, and about my rejection. I end with my visit to Chase’s house and how we had sex, leaving my eyes on the ground as shame consumes me with my last confession. Steph just listens quietly. “I messed everything up, Steph.”

  “Do you love him?” She finally asks, her brown eyes trying to find the answer within me.

  “I don’t know. Things had gotten more serious between us, I know that, but how do I know if I love him. I’ve never been in love, but I do care about him. That’s why I’ve avoided being with him. I care too much to hurt him.”

  “And this didn’t hurt him?” I hear a slight accusation in her tone. I already feel bad enough; I don’t need someone else pushing it on me.

  “Yes. I know. I saw the pain I never wanted to cause him evident in his face, and I couldn’t even get myself to move to comfort him. I froze. I freaked out. I wasn’t expecting it.” I say trying to defend myself, defend my actions.

  “I think you love him, but you are so caught up in this idea that distancing yourself from people will be your happily ever after that you blind yourself. I get that you protect yourself, we all do that, but you can’t let other people’s fate dictate yours. They made their decisions and need to deal with the consequences that come with it. You were hurt by these decisions, and I can see that as a young girl it would mark you but time heals all wounds if you allow it to. People can be dicks, but the way you react to their dirt bag actions is what counts. You have two choices, live resenting everyone who’s hurt you, or let go and forgive.”

  I stay quiet, contemplating Steph’s words. She is right. Before Grayson came over last night, I had made the choice to work on mending myself. I had decided this a few weeks ago when I saw Chase and the way he still overpowered me. I have to stop living in other people’s manipulations. I also have to stop letting myself come up with excuses to not take responsibility for myself. If I don’t take responsibility for myself, I am doing exactly what my mom, my dad, and even Chase did.

  “Have I ever told you what an amazing friend you are?” I ask Steph smiling at her.

  “Not as often as you should,” she smirks back, and I laugh for what feels like the first time in years.

  “This hurts so much, Steph. I feel like part of me has died. My chest is tight, and I can barely breathe. I just want this to be a nightmare that I can wake up from.”

  “I know, sweetie,” Steph hugs me, “but unfortunately, it’s not. Maybe you should call him and tell him how you really feel. Tell him the truth.”

  “No, I can’t call him. I need to move forward with my life. I need to fix my mistakes, but I don’t think there’s anything left to fix with him. You should’ve seen him last night. It was painful to watch him break apart in front of me, and even more painful to watch him leave with not as much as a glance back. I’m pretty sure he hates me.”

  “I doubt he hates you. Yes, he’s hurt, but he doesn’t hate you. You’re right though; you need to work through your st
uff first. And as for Chase, if you so much as text him again I swear I will kill you.” She threatens with a death stare. She will make good on that promise, too.

  “I promise I won’t. That was a huge mistake, but I needed a fix of something after that. I couldn’t be alone. Now I just need to figure out where to begin letting go and forgiving.”

  “Only you know how to do that, but what about we get you cleaned up first. It’ll make you feel better to shower, and we’ll go have a girl’s afternoon. Mani and pedi on me.” She says standing up and holding her arm out for me to grab and stand up.

  “Sounds good. I’ll shower and we’ll go. God only knows how bad I must look.” I say grateful for her distraction and to spend some time pampering myself.

  “Trust me, God isn’t the only one who knows. One look at you right now and it wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what has got you messed up.”

  “Thanks, Steph.” I say sarcastically.

  “Just keeping it real. Now go get ready. I’ll let Toni know I’m out for the day.”

  Chapter 11

  Steph and I are enjoying our girl’s day pampering ourselves with manicures, pedicures, and some shopping. I feel so much better just being out and spending time with her. We stop for lunch at a food truck in downtown and sit on a bench to eat.

  “We should try yoga one day.” Steph says between bites. “I’ve heard great things, and people always say how it helps sort through emotions.”

  “Yeah, that sounds good. God knows I can use any help I can get.”

  “Great! Some of the girls at work mentioned this new place that opened recently and gave great reviews. I’ll check their schedule, and we can go this weekend.” She seems excited about this. I never realized she was interested in yoga. Steph, like myself, is more of a runner. Maybe slowing down and trying something different will be fun. We continue eating and then head home.