Archibald Lox and the Empress of Suanpan

by Darren Shan

  Urszula smirks. “No, I’d rather kill you.” She shakes the hourglass. “Hurry. Time is ticking and every second counts.”

  I start to argue, but Inez grabs me and hauls me away. “Up the stairs,” she barks. “We probably won’t make it, but at least we have a chance. If you stay, you’re definitely damned.”

  And since there’s nothing else for it, I follow Inez’s lead, turn my back on the chuckling empress and her ominously draining hourglass, and run.

  SEVEN — THE BOULDER

  18

  Inez and I hit the top of the staircase at the rear of the massive glass chamber of the Spin Zone and tear through the entrance lobby after the others, pausing only so that Inez can retrieve her knives. The same guards who vetted us earlier are laughing.

  “Run, little piggies, run!” shouts one, and the others oink and squeal.

  We hurry to the exit, where our friends are swinging across to the neighbouring pod. Baba Jen has already crossed and disappeared. Maiko has also crossed, but stands on the platform on the far side, waiting for Dermot, who is holding the rope and preparing to swing, not wanting to lose his grip and fall to his death in a panic.

  Oleg is wringing his fingers and whimpering. “Hurry! Hurry!” he moans.

  Cal sizes up the distance between pods and grunts. “Want to save some time?” he asks Inez as Dermot launches himself across.

  “Do it,” Inez says, and Cal grabs her and throws her over the edge.

  “What the –” I start to scream, but then Inez lands safely on the other platform, goes into a roll and tumbles smoothly through the open door.

  “Archibald?” Cal asks.

  I gulp as Dermot sends the rope back to an eager Oleg. “Is this really necessary?” I wheeze.

  “It will only save a few seconds,” Cal says, “but we have lots of pods to cross, and the seconds will add up. They might mean the difference between escaping or being caught.”

  “OK,” I say, then grit my teeth as Cal grabs me and tosses me across the divide.

  It looks as if I’m not going to make it, and I open my mouth to shriek, but then I land on the platform alongside Oleg, and Dermot and Maiko haul us to safety.

  Oleg hurls the rope back at Cal, then the three thesps scurry into the pod. I wait until the huge man has swung across, not wanting to leave until I’m sure he’s safe.

  He lands heavily beside me and winks. “Exciting times, Archibald.”

  “You think this is exciting?” I groan.

  He shrugs. “When you’ve endured death once, it’s never that big a thing again. Let the mad empress do her worst. She might kill us, but we won’t let her scare us, will we?” He nudges me in the ribs when I don’t reply. “Will we?”

  “No,” I manage to chuckle, despite the fear that’s tightened my stomach to the size of a nut.

  Then we chase after the others and begin to make our way across a variety of pods. It’s late, and although there’s a smattering of gamblers at the betting tables, most people have retired to their quarters.

  Cal continues to throw Inez and me across the gaps, while the others use the ropes, except for Baba Jen. The grumpy actress is six hundred years old but still inhabits the body of a child. With her short legs, she couldn’t keep up, so Cal scooped her up and settled her on his shoulders, and she’s remained there since, balanced like an imperious infant Raj on an elephant, leaning forward to cling to his ears when he’s swinging on a rope.

  “The rest of our troupe should be sleeping,” Dermot pants as we’re huffing up a set of stairs, “but what if some of them are elsewhere?”

  “Then we’ll have to leave them behind,” Maiko says.

  “Abandon our people?” Dermot winces.

  “Maybe we should leave them all behind,” Baba Jen says from her perch on Cal’s shoulders. “They might distract the empress and give us more time to get away.”

  Dermot looks up at the tiny thesp, appalled. “You can’t be serious.”

  Baba Jen maintains a poker face. “How about we collect most of them, but throw her the actors of little skill or purpose who won’t be missed, like Oleg.”

  “You horrible harpy!” Oleg shrieks. “We should never have rescued you.”

  “I didn’t ask you to,” Baba Jen says, then winks at Dermot.

  “I’m glad you find this so amusing,” Maiko snaps.

  “We need to joke while we can,” Baba Jen says. “We’ll all be cut down in our tracks soon enough. There’s no way we’ll escape. We haven’t a hope.”

  We make it to the top of the pod, then start climbing the pole to a pod above.

  “Is Baba Jen right?” I ask Inez as we’re waiting our turn.

  “Probably,” she says.

  “Then I should wait for Urszula here,” I mutter.

  “Why?” she frowns.

  “Maybe she’ll be satisfied once she’s dealt with me, let the rest of you go.”

  Inez shakes her head. “She vowed to kill us all. If you stay, she’ll shackle you, have her guards drag you along, make you watch while she executes us, then torture you slowly before she kills you.”

  I stare at Inez, horrified. “I’m sorry,” I whimper.

  “Don’t be,” she says. “I involved you in this, so if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

  The pole clears and Inez starts up. After a moment’s hesitation, I follow, and the frantic exodus continues.

  19

  We enter a dimly lit corridor and Dermot, Maiko and Oleg start banging on doors and shouting names. Within seconds the doors open and confused, tetchy members of the acting troupe sleepily emerge, wanting to know what all the fuss is about.

  Dermot doesn’t waste time on a long explanation. Instead he shouts, “Urszula has sworn to kill us all. We have to make for the boreholes at the top of the cliff. Flee and don’t look back.”

  The thesps don’t need any more information. Leaving behind any possessions or spare clothes, they race for the end of the corridor, banging on other doors as they go, rousing those who are still asleep.

  Soon everyone has assembled. There are thirty or more thesps. If we all go the same way, we’ll slow to a crawl, so Dermot divides the group into three. One heads up, one down, while the third forges straight ahead.

  Inez and I end up in the group that heads down. Cal is with us, Baba Jen riding high on his shoulders, and although there are more people in our group than the others, most aren’t much bigger than me, which means Cal can throw a lot of us across the gaps, allowing us to keep pace with those higher up.

  We make steady progress and exit the complex sooner than I’d feared. My spirits lift as I slide down the pole of the final pod to the ground – maybe we’ll outpace the evil empress after all – then drop when I find myself facing the rising cliff wall in the near distance. I study the path cut into the mountain from its base all the way to the top. It’s going to take a long time to climb.

  We discuss our next move — we’re the first to get out of the city, and we’re not sure whether we should wait for the others or head for the cliff.

  “I’ll stay,” Cal says, “but the rest of you should run.”

  “I don’t need telling twice,” Baba Jen says, and hops down. She sets off as fast as her chubby little legs will carry her, and her fellow thesps follow close behind, most of them swiftly overtaking her.

  “I’m staying too,” I tell Cal.

  “No you’re not,” Inez says and tries to drag me away.

  I stand firm. “I got us into this mess. I should be the last to flee, so that I’ll be the first Urszula catches if she runs us down.”

  Inez groans. “You’re a noble fool,” she says, then punches my arm. “Lucky for you, I like noble fools.”

  I rub my arm while we’re waiting, and keep looking at the pods for any sign of Urszula. The forty-three minutes must have elapsed, and if she can cross the city as quickly as Inez believes, she could be on us any moment.<
br />
  Oleg’s group comes tumbling out of a pod to our right and the agitated thesps shimmy down the pole. They glance at us and Cal points towards the cliff. The actors hasten after their colleagues.

  Dermot and Maiko appear a couple of minutes later, but hold back while their charges descend, then bring up the rear and come to join us.

  “We think we got everybody,” Dermot says, still worrying that they might have left some of their troupe behind.

  “If you missed anyone, they’ll hear about what’s happened and slip away while Urszula’s focused on us,” Inez says.

  “Hopefully,” Dermot sighs, then looks at the cliff, trying to spot the boreholes nestled in the trees at the top, but you can’t see them from here.

  “The gliders can be cranked across from the upper pods to the trees,” Maiko says. “Maybe Urszula will travel over in one of those and be there waiting for us.”

  “A cheery thought,” Dermot growls.

  Maiko shrugs. “We might as well prepare for the worst.”

  They set off for the cliff and I fire a shaky grin at Inez. “Last one to the top’s a rotten egg,” I joke.

  “If Urszula catches us, we’ll be scrambled eggs,” she replies with an edgy laugh.

  Then we hightail it after the others.

  We soon catch up with a panting Baba Jen. Without slowing, Cal grabs her by the scruff of her neck and lifts her up onto his shoulders.

  “What took you so long?” she wheezes, then crosses her arms over his head and buries her face in them as she fights to control her breathing.

  A lot of the thesps are already on the narrow path and climbing when we reach it. It looks impossibly steep from this angle, cutting back and forth on itself, like a series of Z’s carved into the cliff.

  “How long will it take to ascend?” I ask Inez as we start up.

  “I haven’t a clue,” she says. “The main boreholes are on the other side of the city, at ground level, and I’ve always used them when leaving.”

  People begin to naturally slot into position as we wend our way up. Those who are fleet of foot steal ahead, while the slower ones trickle towards the back of the line. It’s everyone for him– or herself at this stage.

  I’m near the rear, just ahead of a thickset woman called Jola. Inez has hung back to assist me, and Cal has stayed to keep an eye on her. Baba Jen leapt down to run ahead of us when the giant slowed, but she wasn’t able to go any quicker than me, so she returned to her perch and growls at him every so often, “Giddy up, you slow-moving wreck of a bull.”

  Jola pauses to wipe sweat away. She’s a large woman and this is difficult for her. “I should have stayed in the pods and taken my chances,” she says.

  “If there’s anything I can do to help…” I offer.

  “Give her a piggy back ride,” Baba Jen cackles.

  “I’ll hop on you if you keep talking to us like that,” Jola threatens, and that wipes the smirk from the small actress’ face.

  My calves are aching and so is my lower back. I looked up every minute or two when we first started up the path, to gauge how much further we had to go, but I’ve stopped that and keep my head down, not wanting to depress myself.

  Since Baba Jen is letting Cal do all the hard work, she’s free to keep watch for our pursuers, so she’s the first to spot the incoming empress.

  “We have company,” she says flatly, and we stop to look back.

  Urszula is coming, not with a troop of guards, but alone. She’s on some sort of a vehicle, but it’s only after several seconds, as she smoothly wheels towards us, that I peg it for a unicycle.

  The empress looks calm and composed, peddling steadily, not a grey hair out of place, arms crossed. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was humming a little tune. She has the appearance of someone on her way to a picnic.

  I was hoping she couldn’t pose as much of a threat as I’d been led to believe, but now that I see her by herself, I know we’re in deep trouble. A woman who doesn’t bring support to deal with a group of thirty or so enemies is a woman who clearly believes it would take an awful lot more people than that to trouble her.

  The top of the cliff is still a long way off — even the quicker thesps who are out in front of everyone else aren’t anywhere near the summit.

  Nowhere to run.

  Nowhere to hide.

  And here comes Urszula, hell-bent on revenge.

  It’s dying time.

  20

  Urszula draws to a halt near the foot of the cliff but stays on the unicycle, gently rocking back and forth to remain upright, as she tilts her head back to smile at us.

  “Hello!” she hollers. “You made it further than I imagined you would. Bravo!”

  “Keep going,” Baba Jen snarls, slapping Cal’s head, but he remains rooted to the spot along with Inez and me. Most of the thesps have come to a standstill too.

  “I’m sorry,” I shout.

  “Is that you, Archibald?” Urszula replies, feigning surprise.

  “I’ll come down,” I cry. “Take me back and do whatever you want to me. Just let the others go.”

  Urszula’s forehead crinkles as if she’s seriously considering my request, but then she laughs. “No. I’ve come here to cleanse Suanpan of Dermot’s thesps, and I won’t go home while a single member of your group is breathing.”

  Urszula gets off the unicycle, letting it fall behind her, and points at the thesps. “Them first,” she growls, then lowers her finger to point at me. “Then you.”

  “Not if I get you first,” I retort, and though it’s not a strong comeback, Cal laughs and claps my back, nearly sending me flying, which would save Urszula a job.

  “Come on,” Cal yells. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”

  Urszula glares at the big man, then aims a hand at the top of the cliff. She mutters something and concentrates, her eyes narrowing. For a few seconds — nothing.

  Then a rumbling noise.

  “What’s that?” I ask, but the others look uncertain too, except for Baba Jen, who scuttles down from Cal’s shoulders, presses herself hard against the wall, and starts cursing softly.

  “Jen?” Inez says. “What –”

  The revelation comes before she finishes asking the question, but it’s not Baba Jen who answers, but one of the thesps, higher up, who screams, “Avalanche!”

  Before the echo of the shout has died away, several large boulders tumble over the edge of the cliff and pick up speed as they roll thunderously towards the highest-placed thesps. Some of the actors flatten themselves against the cliff, as Baba Jen has, while others try to race out of the way of the falling rocks.

  The boulders hit, knocking out chunks of the path, and smashing into a handful of thesps, who scream as they’re hurled down the mountain.

  I shut my eyes, not wanting to bear witness to their loss.

  There are more screams as the boulders strike other sections of the path and a few more thesps. Then, even worse than the screams, come faint echoes of snapping, splattering sounds, and I have to breathe deeply to stop myself vomiting.

  Silence returns, broken only by Urszula’s vicious cackling.

  “How many did I get, Archibald?” She starts counting. “One, two, three… four, five… six. An even half-dozen. No, wait, I missed a couple. Seven and eight. Were they key actors? Will they be hard to replace?”

  I open my eyes and stare miserably at the grinning empress. “Please,” I whimper. “No more.”

  Inez lays a hand on my shoulder. “You’re not to blame,” she says quietly.

  “But if I hadn’t beaten her… or rubbed her nose in it…”

  Inez’s fingers tighten. “You’re not to blame,” she says again, forcefully this time.

  “What’s your girlfriend whispering?” Urszula coos. “I’ll aim for her next, so you might want to stand aside.” She raises a hand, then pauses. “But first, do you want to beg again? Maybe I’ll be merciful this ti
me.”

  I gulp and almost repeat my plea, but Inez’s fingers tighten even further, drawing a wince from my lips. When I scowl at her, she nods sharply, and I know what I must say.

  “Mercy?” I roar. “You wouldn’t know mercy if it jumped up and bit your bum!”

  “That’s the way,” Inez says, releasing me.

  “Yeah,” Cal grunts. “Give as good as you get, Archibald.” He half-turns and squints at the cliff above us. “Actually, that’s not a bad bit of advice.”

  “What are you talking about?” I frown.

  Cal’s still squinting — there’s a crevice just above us, where a chunk must have broken free long ago, and for some reason it fascinates him. Without looking at me, he says, “Keep winding her up. You too, Inez. Let’s see if we can draw a direct hit.”

  It’s a strange request. Maybe he thinks that, despite her threats, she’ll stop if she kills me. Since that seems to be the best we can hope for, I lean forward and make a rude sign with my fingers.

  “Come on, loser,” I shriek. “Chuck your stones at me and see if you’re better at this game than you were on the Spinner.”

  Inez had opened her mouth to shout something insulting as well, but when she hears my taunt, she doubles over with laughter.

  Urszula’s face darkens. I think Inez’s laughter stung her almost as much as my jibe. She’s the empress of Suanpan. We’re supposed to weep and wail, fall to our knees before her, awestruck and horrified. Instead Inez is laughing the way she would if I’d farted in class.

  Urszula points to the top of the cliff and focuses. I hear the rumbling noise again, and Inez’s laughter dies away. We look up, waiting for the next rainfall of boulders, readying ourselves to leap left or right in an attempt to dodge them.

  Baba Jen is jogging away from us, figuring she stands a better chance of getting out of this alive if she’s not by our side. Other thesps are also in motion, staggering up the path, trying to steal away while the empress targets us.