Holy Socks and Dirtier Demons (v1.1) (clean fmt)

by J. A. Kazimer

  “I didn’t mean to...”

  “I know, but better him than me.” She shivered. “There’d be no saving me. Remember that the next time you want my blood.”

  “Stop pissing me off then.” I chuckled, feeling my tension ease. “I bet that’s the last time the angel mouths off.”

  She laughed. “Somehow I doubt it.”

  And damn if she wasn’t right. An hour later, fully restored to his angelic state, he looked down his nose at me and said, “When was the last time you showered? You smell like the devil.”

  I flexed my fingers on the hilt of the sword I’d pulled from his torso, and weighed the cost/benefit of shoving it back in.

  “Hey, Jace, I have to run to the store for cat food.” Lilith reached inside her cookie jar, frowned at my I.O.U., but didn’t comment. “Try not to destroy anything else,” she glanced at the picture of Alex Trebek, “while I’m gone.”

  “Cat food. Good idea. The kid will be hungry when we...” I stopped myself when Lilith shot me a confused glare. Oh right, food for the evil cat.

  “Do not let anyone in and stay out of sight. Samuel’s looking for you,” she warned.

  “I can handle him.”

  “Right.” Blowing me a kiss, she left the apartment, slamming the door in my face.

  “Do you want to play Mage?” The angel tapped me on the shoulder.

  He held a ten-sided dice in one hand and wore a geeky grin, which reminded me of a high school kid taking his mom to prom.

  “Not in this lifetime.” I stepped by him, and dropped into the soft couch. “Go watch TV or something.”

  “The mean one does not have cable,” he whispered as if it was a sin, and I guess in his world it was.

  A knock sounded at the door. The angel and I looked at each other, and then at the door. I stood and reached for Tyrfing. The angel shuddered, but for once kept his mouth shut. Maybe Lilith had forgotten her keys. Nope, I remembered seeing them clutched in her hand.

  “Who’s there?” the angel asked in a falsetto when another knock rattled the wood.

  “Your local Avon representative,” a harsh male voice answered.

  “We’re having a sale on bath salts.”

  I rolled my eyes. How stupid did you have to be—?

  Fuck.

  The angel pulled open the door before I could stop him. “Do you have any lavender?” he asked. Throwing my body against the door, I tried to slam it closed, but a meaty hand slipped through, grabbed my neck, and tossed me across the room. I landed with a crash, smashing against Lilith’s white painted bookcase. The Anti-Christ’s Cookbook thunked me on the head, and Bodhi hissed at me from his perch on Lilith’s bed.

  Ignoring the spoiled cat, I blinked at the hulking demon currently giving the angel a beat down. This was not going to be fun.

  I stumbled to my feet, glad to see Tyrfing still in my hand. “Hey.” I tapped the sword against the floor. “What is it with you demons? Are you all stupid?”

  Braathwaate, the demon of ignorance, glanced up from choking the angel. He looked like a demon should look; big, dumb, and ugly. Unlike Lilith, who looked far better naked then the man/beast in front of me.

  “Can’t Satan afford pants?” I dragged Tyrfing across the carpet. “I hope to hell he gives you guys a good health plan.” I reared back, and swung the sword at the demon’s head. Not surprising, Tyrfing struck true and the demon’s head rolled from its body and fell to the floor. Pus seeped from the wound, and onto the white carpet. Lilith was going to be pissed.

  “Well that was easy.” I kicked at the demon’s headless body. It toppled to the ground and shattered into three pieces. Three repulsive, fetid pieces.

  I leaned down, and helped the angel to his feet. “Next time. Don’t open the door.” A rush of power ran through me. I’d finally defeated one of Satan’s minions. How was that for tough? “Ummm, Nemamiah,” the angel called.

  Shit. I knew it was too good to be true. I spun around, and stood facing four hulking, and now a bit shorter demons.

  The closest demon growled before grabbing me in a chokehold. Pop.

  Pop. Pop. My vertebrate snapped in succession. He released me, and I dropped to the ground. Oddly, the hard floor comforted me somewhat until the second demon stomped on my ribs like a soccer ball.

  Blood shot from my mouth sprinkling Bodhi. Big red globs of snot covered the growling cat. He jumped on my leg with his claws extended. I kicked him off, just in time for the third demon’s assault on my vital little jaces. My nuts headed north, and my stomach followed that direction, spewing the lining of what used to be my esophagus.

  “For God sakes, help me.” I motioned to the angel, who hovered near the ceiling, out of reach to the dwarfed demons. Dwarfed demons that roamed around the apartment, knocked over furniture, and made a big mess.

  “Will you play Mage with me?” the angel asked, plucking at his feathers.

  Bastard. “Fine.”

  “Fine.” He huffed back and waved his hand.

  Tyrfing clattered against the floor, and flew into my hand like something out of a sci-fi movie. The kind of movie with cheesy special effects and a hero too blinded by the femme fatale’s beauty to realize his danger until she sucked out his soul.

  My fingers tightened on the hilt the sword, and I pulled back to deliver a deathblow. One of the demons smiled. I shanked his naked, green ass. Pus boiled from his wound, splattering the walls. Ummm, not good.

  The demon split into two more, again shorter demons. They glanced at one in another and laughed. I gripped Tyrfing tighter and tried again.

  Thwack. Suddenly I was faced with eight midget demons.

  I quickly did the math, hacking away until the room was covered in six-centimeter sized fiends, who looked a lot like little green army men, but shorter.

  All part of my plan, I assured myself as they danced around me, stabbing my feet with their teeny-tiny fingernails. Sharp, pokey, teeny-tiny nails.

  Bodhi jumped from the top of the refrigerator, swatting at a few of the demons with his own sharp claws. With miniature shrieks, the demons scattered, which only excited the hungry cat. He choked down a few of the olive monsters.

  I smiled. For once, the cat was helpful. The angel, however, refused to come down. He floated above me, still annoyed that Avon hadn’t come calling.

  “Ow.” I kicked at a demon biting my ankle. He flipped through the air, skidded across the floor, and smacked into the oven with a splat, a loud smacking splat complete with emerald spray.

  An invisible light bulb popped above my head. With grim delight, I lifted my foot and squashed a handful of demons under my boot. They made a crunching sound much like cockroaches, but then again, roaches didn’t scream, or beg for mercy.

  Next thing I knew, I’m dancing around Lilith’s apartment crushing demons while singing Whistle While You Work. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. A quick-change step to the right. Smash. Smack. Bang. Double time.

  “Nooooo…” a demon screamed as my boot crushed his tiny body.

  “Oh yes. That will teach you to fuck with someone a hundred and seventy-three times your size.” I did a quick mental count. “Lesson learned.”

  I stomped down harder until I reduced him to a fly-splattered puddle.

  Bodhi tracked down the rest of the runaway demons, most of the time swallowing them whole. Lilith was right. He was one hungry cat.

  When the last of the demons were smited, I scrapped off my boots over the trash can and glanced around Lilith’s demon-sprayed apartment.

  Please let the market be busy, I prayed reaching for a broom and dustpan. The place was a mess. What wasn’t broken was covered in demon splatter. From floor to ceiling, the room looked as if it had been hit by a hurricane, and not the good alcohol-fueled kind.

  Keys rattled in the door.

  Fuck.

  Lilith opened the door, her eyes growing wide as she took in her newly redecorated living space. Demon Feng Shui.

  Bodhi circled Lilith’s long
legs before letting out a cry, hacking once, and spewing demons guts over her shoes. New Prada black leather boots, I should add.

  “Why me?” she whispered to Heaven.

  The angel answered, “It is not your place to question Him. I could smite you for that.”

  She growled, “Get out, all of you. I’ve had a bad enough day, and now I have to spend the next four hours mopping up...” She pointed to the splattered floor. “What the hell is that stuff?”

  “Tiny demons. I’ll clean it up.” I showed her the broom in my hands.

  “You go lie down. Take a nap.”

  “Nap?” Her right eye twitched.

  I glanced at her bed, its sheets covered in crushed demon. “On second thought, we should go.” I picked up the cat, grabbed the angel’s foot, and disappeared through the door.

  Her screams followed us down the hall.

  Thirty One

  I sucked down two beers while Hades laughed. He laughed so hard he fell off his barstool and bounced like a yo-yo. Yet laughter continued to pour from his fleshy lips.

  “It’s not that funny.” I rolled my eyes, feeling bad about leaving Lilith, but I was damn sure if I’d stuck around, she would’ve killed me.

  “The greatest succubus in the Universe reduced to a cleaning lady. It ain’t unfunny.” Hades grabbed his sides to catch his breath. “Worse, she saved your miserable hide from Samuel and you repay her by wrecking her place.” He shook his snake infested head. “You are never gonna get laid now.”

  Yeah, the thought had crossed my mind too. “What do you know about her and Samuel?”

  “He wanted her to sacrifice you, but she refused.” Hades sobered, his eyes growing hot.

  “What does that mean?”

  “Nothing good. Lilith is dammed, so Samuel couldn’t kill her outright, but what he done to her today…” Hades frowned. “Even the bravest of Gods wouldn’t have survived it.”

  Sickness pooled in my stomach. Whatever happened I’d make Samuel pay for that, and repay Lilith. Another thought occurred to me. It hadn’t been Lilith at the gardens today, but someone had wanted me to believe it was. My question was who? What did they gain by separating us? I had no idea. Nothing made sense right now. Scrambled brain aside.

  “What are you going to do with the cat?” Hades eyed the beast.

  “No.”

  “What?” He raised his hands innocently.

  “You cannot eat her cat.” I tucked Bodhi further into my sweatshirt and slipped off the barstool. My head spun, more from its earlier abuse than alcohol. “I have to apologize to Lilith.”

  Hades nodded. “Maybe bring her some flowers. Women like flowers.”

  “Good idea.” I gazed at the angel, who played a game of Mage with the Goddess Aphrodite. “Angel? Watch the cat for me. I’m going back to Lilith’s.”

  “If you insist.”

  “I do.” I shoved Bodhi at him. “And if Hades eats him, I’m going to tell Lilith you did it.” Tossing a few bucks on the bar, I waved at Hades and headed from the Underworld into hell.

  ~ * ~

  “Lilith?” I tapped on her apartment door. No answer. I knocked harder, a smattering of fear rippling through me. Had something happened to her?

  The doorknob twisted easily in my hand. Unlocked, shit. I pushed through the door, ready and willing to slay dragons with the bouquet of black roses in my hand.

  “Any one here?” I scanned the pristine room. Not a smashed green demon glob in sight. For Lilith, cleanliness must have been next to evilness.

  Her white sheeted bed was made, bookcase restocked, and cat food neatly set on the counter.

  The bathroom door opened a crack, and I spun toward the sound catching a glimpse of Lilith’s naked back in the steam-fogged mirror. Angry red scars lined her skin. Recent, newly healed scars. Scars inflicted while protecting me. Scars like the one on the back of her neck. This wasn’t the first time she suffered at Samuel’s hands. I swallowed hard, a greasy feeling churning in my gut.

  I tapped quietly on the doorframe, careful not to startle her. “I knocked but you didn’t answ…”

  “Go away.” Tears fell unabated from Lilith’s eyes, her face patchy and red. Not an unpretty sight, but one I had never hoped to witness.

  She slammed the door, which narrowly missed my foot. The pain I’d seen in her eyes would haunt me for a lifetime. My protective instincts surfaced, as did my stupidity. I reached for the door handle.

  She surprised me by opening the door at the same time. It bounced off my nose, sending me spiraling to the floor. Stars circled my head, little blue ones with silvery edges.

  Lilith stalked across the room in a t-shirt, and I was damn sure, she didn’t wear anything underneath. Gone were her tear stained cheeks, replaced with a steely, cold look.

  “Why are you here, Jace?”

  I stood, bridging my busted nose with my fingers. “I came to apologize.”

  “Well?” Her hands flew to her hips.

  “Um, I’m sorry.” I held out the now decapitated black roses. “I wish I could make everything all right. Make up for Samuel—”

  “Don’t.” Her face tightened.

  “What?”

  “Don’t be nice.” She flexed her fists. “I hate when you’re nice.”

  “Too bad.” I pulled her into an awkward hug, and patted her back like a child. She kicked me in the knee, following it up with a hard left to the collarbone.

  “Damn it.” Releasing her, I rubbed at my throbbing shoulder.

  “There’s something seriously wrong with you.”

  “Me?” Redness exploded across her face. “You all but accuse me of kidnapping J.C. this afternoon, not to mention wrecking my apartment, and I have done something wrong?”

  “I fucking said I was sorry.”

  “Do you even want to find J.C. or are you too busy fucking your sweet Mary to care?” She shoved me hard enough to rattle my teeth.

  Rage washed over me. “Don’t bring Mary into this, and don’t you ever—” I poked her in the breastbone, “—question my loyalty to the kid. He’s the only reason I put up with you, and your demonic P.M.S.!”

  “P.M.S.,” it came out like a squeak. Lilith started glowing scarlet around the edges of her skin, eyes turning fiery. “You stupid mother—”

  A hum buzzed from across the room. Tyrfing floated in the air. I swallowed back some of my rage, and walked toward the sword. The feel of the hilt in my hand ignited the bloodlust locked deep inside my heart.

  Destroy.

  Devour.

  Dominate.

  I lifted the blade, watching Lilith’s eyes reflected in the shiny surface. Each step I took closer to her gave me a tiny thrill, like stalking prey.

  A few feet separated us, me with my demon-killing sword, and her with the blackened heart of demonic bitch.

  Glancing at the sword with regret, I tossed it into the bathroom and slammed the door. “Now, you were saying?”

  Her fist caught me just above my left eye. Lucky for me, my earlier brain injury had numbed much of the feeling on my left side. I’d have to get the angel to look at it.

  I grabbed her hands and tossed her onto the bed. “I’m not a fucking piñata. I don’t hit women, but next time you deck me, I’ll make an exception.”

  Her lips curled into a snarl. “Try it and I’ll rip you apart.”

  “Don’t push me. I’ve had it with you, with all of this demon shit.” I bent closer until our faces were inches away. Her breath was hot on my face, sending a mixture of signals to my fucked up brain. “Why can’t you just act human for once in your fucking life? I offered a shoulder to cry on, and you twisted it into something evil.”

  She struggled to rise from the pillows, but I refused to back down.

  She’d be submissive for a few seconds, even if it killed me.

  I grabbed her hair and tugged. “Well, fuck you. From now on, you’re on your own.” I threw her back down on the bed, and turned for the door. I’d find the kid
on my own.

  “Fine. Good,” she yelled behind me. “Like you were any help anyway. Stupid momma’s boy.”

  Snap. Yep, I actually heard my brain snap, and went from pissed to crime of passion mad. The sword, reacting to my violent temper, smashed into the closed door. But the sound did nothing to cool my rage.

  I spun to face her, ran the ten feet from her front door to the bed, and pounced. Slamming her body against the bed, my fingers wrapped around her skinny neck. Her skin felt red hot, her lips twisted with hate.

  My erection took me by surprise. One second I wanted to kill her, and the next I wanted to screw her until one of us met our maker. Preferably her, but who was I kidding.

  “No.” She ground her pelvis against me. “You’re not man enough.”

  “And you’re not Mary, but I’ll make do.” I pinned her arms underneath my hands, and crushed my mouth to hers. For a few seconds she fought me, a growl escaping her throat.

  “Fuck,” I spat when her teeth ripped a layer of skin from my lip. I let go of one of her hands to wipe at the blood dripping down my chin.

  “Bastard.” She slugged me in the jaw.

  I rolled off her, the taste of my blood calming my rage. Not completely, but enough to question whether I had a death wish or I was merely stupid. Stupid won out. I blew out a breath. “Lilith, I—.”

  She wrapped her legs around my waist, and yanked at my hair. “Shut up, Jace, or so help me, I will break every bone in your body.” She pulled my mouth to hers, and like a pirate pillaged my lips at will.

  I knocked her hand away, but didn’t break contact. Instead, I dragged her off me, pulling her upright so I could remove her t-shirt.

  She shoved at my chest, knocking me back, and stripped her own shirt from her body. Her skin flamed against the room’s whiteness, glowing like fire. The sound of heavy breathing and rushing blood filled the room.

  She licked at her swollen, bloodied lips, and smiled. Her finger curled, taunting me to come closer.

  I shook my head. Not this time. I planned to win this round, and that meant Lilith would submit. I cracked my knuckles and waited.