Holy Socks and Dirtier Demons (v1.1) (clean fmt)

by J. A. Kazimer

  “I’m sorry.”

  She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

  “For a lot of things.” I licked my lips. The drugging for one thing.

  Fucking Mary for another. The list went on and on, but now didn’t seem like the time to bring up past sins.

  Her smile slipped. “The doctors swore you wouldn’t make it. That I should say goodbye, but I knew you’d come back.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because there is no place you’d be safe. Heaven or hell, I’d find you and kick your ass.”

  And she would too. That was one of the things I loved about Lilith.

  She’d walk through the fires of hell for revenge, and for me. There wasn’t another person alive willing to sacrifice themselves for me. Speaking of sacrifices….

  “The kid’s safe, right? I did my job.” I glanced around the room searching for telltale signs of the Messiah. A scribbled coloring book of messy crayon art hung on the wall, and a box of cat chow sat in the corner.

  But no sign of the actual kid.

  “He’s fine.” She grinned. “He had a slight reaction to the medication, but the doctor promised his hair will grow back. He looks like a bowling ball, bald-headed and round.”

  “Medicine? For what?” I scratched my beard. Beard? When had I grown a beard? “Did the kid get hurt when the statue fell?”

  “Oh, baby,” Lilith whispered, caressing my cheek. “You don’t remember anything, do you?”

  I shook my head. The last thing I remembered was a much flatter version of Sid and a bloody Tyrfing in my hands.

  “When I found you, you’d lost so much blood,” Lilith said, tears sparkling on her lashes. “Jesus was sitting in a pool of red next to you, a river of tears streaming down his cheeks, trying again and again to heal you. But he couldn’t.” Her voice hitched and a small choked cry burst from her throat.

  “At first I thought you were dead...”

  I wiped the tears from her face. “It’s okay.”

  “The doctors told us you needed a kidney. Tyrfing had severed your right one, and your other kidney was damaged in the war.”

  “Yeah, I took some shrapnel in the side, but the medics were much more concerned with my head wound.” I laughed. “I guess I really do have nine lives. So they found a donor? One of my brothers?”

  “Not exactly.” She squeezed my hand. “You have an extremely rare blood type. The hospital had never treated a patient with it before. Some of the doctors had never even heard of it.”

  “I’m a marvel of modern science.” I grinned. “Can’t say I’m glad about that. Too much pressure.”

  “They searched for months to find a donor kidney, keeping you on dialysis and in a coma until two weeks ago when they found a perfect match.”

  Months? I’d been in a coma for MONTHS? That explained the beard, and my need to pee. What had I missed? Had the Rangers won the Stanley Cup? Had world peace been declared? Had Lilith found another man? A better man?

  I sighed. For better or worse, I’d find it out soon enough. “Don’t keep me in suspense. Whose kidney do I have? Is it someone rich and famous? Incredibly handsome maybe?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Jesus.”

  “Come on, tell me.”

  She shook her head. “I just did. You are the proud owner of Jesus’s kidney. His right kidney to be more precise.”

  Fifty Nine

  My head dropped onto my pillow and I closed my eyes. The kid had sacrificed his kidney for me, to save me. I owed him my life. I shook my head. Everything I hadn’t wanted for him I’d forced upon him. As grateful as I was to be alive, I hated knowing he’d suffered for me.

  Lilith shot me a crooked smile. “If it makes you feel any better God was against it. He even threatened to ground Jesus, but the kid was adamant. He really looks up to you.”

  “Yeah, I’m a great role model.” I pushed myself up. The stitches in my back pulled tight, but the pain was manageable. “Listen, I need to tell you something. I should’ve said it months ago...”

  “Jace! ” My mom threw open the hospital room door. It bounced off the wall, but Joe, my stepfather, caught it before it slammed back in her face.

  “Oh honey, I’m so glad to see you up.” Mom pushed her way to my side. She wore jeans and a white sweater, a fuzzy black cat decorating it. Her gray hair was cut short, motherly, but the sparkle in her amber eyes told stories of a naughty past. “My poor little guy. Poor sweet ba—”

  “Stop fussing.” I added to soften the order, “Whether you believe it or not, I’m not two anymore. I can take care of myself.” To prove it, I fluffed my pillow grimacing in pain the whole time, but stubbornly refused to admit it.

  Joe, looking more like a gangster than a farmer in a polyester suit and wing-tipped shoes, took the opportunity to slap me on the shoulder while shoving a cigar in my hand. “Congratulations, son. Your mother and I are thrilled.”

  Congratulations? Thrilled? Oh shit, had Lilith told them about Mary’s love child? “I… ah…” I stammered.

  My mom beamed, her eyes filled with happiness. “Do you know that this sweet girl,” she pointed at Lilith, who had never described herself as sweet nor a girl, “stayed at your side this whole time. We had to beg her to take care of herself. For the baby’s sake.”

  Baby? What the fuck was going on? “Yeah, Lilith’s a gem.” I nodded my head in her direction. “Can I talk to you in private?”

  Mom and Joe exchanged a knowing glance. “Sure, honey. We’ll be right outside.”

  After the door closed behind them, I faced Lilith. “Is there anything you wanna tell me? Like how my parents know about Mary?”

  “No.”

  I ran a hand over my beard. “Tell me anyway.”

  “Fine.” She blew out a breath. “But you’re not going to like it.”

  My eyes followed the rise and fall of her significantly larger than I remembered breasts. The blood, once filling my brain, slipped south.

  “They aren’t talking about—” she began, licking her full, red lips.

  “Never mind. Come over here.” I crooked my finger at her. Fantasies of hospital bed sex and sponge baths swirled in my head, replacing any thoughts of Mary, my parents, or my Jesus kidney. I wanted Lilith. Had to have her, right here, and right now, or I’d lose my mind. Maybe I’d already lost it.

  Her smile warmed, turning seductive. She stretched, her shirt pulling tight across puckered nipples, and she rose from the chair. My eyes caressed her bare shoulders, the tight fabric crushing her breasts, and slipped lower, to the enormous beach ball growing out of her middle.

  Fuck. All my nasty thoughts vanished, and for a second or two, I stopped breathing. The heart monitor next to me screeched in warning.

  “Jesus,” I yelled. “Cupid wasn’t lying. The son of Satan knocked you up...” Bile climbed into my throat when I thought about the night of debasement and debauchery Lilith and I had shared. I’d fucked a pregnant woman, and in such degrading ways. What kind of low-life did that?

  Smack. A red, stinging handprint formed on my naked chest. Lilith pulled her hand back, preparing for a punch. I grabbed her fist seconds before contact.

  “Stop it.” I uncurled her hand with my fingers. “You’re going to hurt yourself or the baby. Mothers-to-be should stay calm.” The advice sounded right, but what did I know?

  Lilith pulled her hand away and let out a scream. “You make me crazy, you know that? One minute you’re such an asshole I want to strangle you, and the next, you’re Prince Fucking Charming.”

  “Like you’re a picnic to live with,” I mumbled. “When’s the baby due?”

  If she heard my first comment, she decided to let it go. Instead, she said, “Early November.”

  “Good.” I blinked and rubbed my forehead. “What month is it now?”

  She shook her head. “October.”

  Right. That explained the zombie decorations. I thought the doctors were just being dicks, seeing as I was in the
coma ward. “Does Samuel know?”

  “Probably.” Her brow furrowed. “He does own a calendar.”

  Bitch. “I meant does he know about the pregnancy?”

  This time her confusion appeared genuine. “Why would I tell Samuel?”

  “You’re right. It’s best if he doesn’t know.” I smiled. Joe had raised me without question; I’d do the same for Lilith’s child. I’d treat him like my own son; love him like flesh and blood. Protect him with my life. “Lilith, I—”

  Raised voices in the hallway drown out my words. “I won’t let you take him again. You can’t. Joe, do something,” My mom screamed seconds before a loud crash echoed from the hallway. A shout and a rush of crepe soled nurses shoes followed the noise.

  The door swung open.

  I blew out a frustrated breath. Every time I opened my mouth to tell Lilith how I felt, some one interrupted. “God dammit.”

  “I missed that. Did you want me to damn something?” asked a long haired guy, sporting a newly blackened eye.

  Sixty

  “Jehovah, why are you here?” Lilith moved in front of me, her hands covering her inflated stomach. Was she protecting me or hiding her pregnancy?

  Either way, I wasn’t putting up with it. “Lilith, sit down.” I waved to the chair by my bed. She frowned at me, but did as I asked. Once she sat, I kicked my legs out of the bed and slowly stood. My thigh muscles quivered, calves cramping and twitching, but I stayed upright.

  God watched my struggles. He stood there like a statue, without judgment, or assistance. My respect for Him grew. Finally upright, I offered God my hand, and He took it. His skin surprising warm, and human in mine.

  Behind God my stepfather appeared, his face a violent shade of red, eyes burning with hate and fear. Before I had a chance to stop Joe, he jumped on the Lord’s back.

  “Don’t touch him,” Joe yelled, punching God in the head. “Take me. Leave my son alone.”

  I stepped away, as Joe pummeled the Heavenly Father. God did not fight back, instead He accepted every blow. Finally, Joe’s punches slowed, weakening due to age or sanity, but still filled with rage.

  Tears dripped from Joe’s eyes. It was the third time I’d seen him cry.

  The first two times had been at my brothers’ births. Too young to understand why the man I idolized was crying, I’d felt shamed instead. Now my heart swelled knowing the tears he cried were for me.

  “Please take me instead,” Joe whispered, climbing off the Lord’s back. My mom stood in the doorway, tears streaming down her face. Next to her, a half-foot taller version of the kid jumped up and down. Behind them, nurses, doctors, and patients crowded the hallway.

  “Get out.” I motioned to the rubberneckers, and once Joe calmed down, they left. My mom and Joe hugged each other, waiting for the wrath of God. The kid danced around the hospital room talking up a storm. It made me long for the days of ‘Mine’. God sat in the middle of the floor, eyes staring at the shiny surface.

  “I...” Where to start? I shuffled my way to Joe, and took his bloodied hand. Broken knuckles swelled underneath his calloused skin. “I love you,” I whispered to him. “I never said it before, but you’ve been a wonderful father. Thank you.” My mother gave a choked sob, and tucked her head into Joe’s chest.

  Joe smiled, a familiar, heart-felt smile. “I love you, too, son.”

  “He’s not your son,” God mumbled, not taking his eyes off the ground.

  “What’d you say?” Anger treaded through me. Fuck God, and His family values. Blood didn’t make family. “At least Joe would never sacrifice his son. Twice.”

  Lilith drew a sharp breath. “No, Jace. Don’t.”

  The kid, who’d been running in circles, stopped, lip quivering. Guilt quickly replaced my anger. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” I said, but it was little consolation. “It’s complicated. See at one time...”

  God held up His hand. “Jesus knows all about it, Jace. You’re the one still in the dark.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  To my surprise, it was my mom who answered, “Honey, when I was nineteen, I met a man—”

  “I know the story.” I rolled my eyes. Now was not the time, place, or people to rehash my conception. Besides, what did I have to do with Jesus? I was born almost two thousand years after his sacrifice.

  “Let your mother finish,” God snapped, but didn’t glance up. Damn, He took His commandments seriously. What was He going to say when He found out I did more than covet my neighbor?

  I glanced at Lilith, and she shrugged. Fine, it was God’s show after all. I shuffled back to the bed, and sat.

  Mom smiled. “I was a virgin, in the technical sense.” Okay, I could’ve done without that information. She went on, and it only got worse.

  “I met a man named Jerry. He was everything I thought I wanted my first time. Sweet. Caring. And terribly handsome. And after a wonderful night together, Jerry and I went our separate ways.”

  “And nine months later I was born.” I motioned to myself, half-afraid of where her tale was going.

  “Yes, nine months later you came into my life, like a miracle. I received a beautiful baby boy, and Joe, the love of my life.” Mom’s eyes caressed Joe’s wrinkled face. The love between them had only grown over the years. As quickly as her eyes warmed, they turned icy. “You probably don’t remember, but when you were three, you had an accident. I wasn’t paying enough attention. Your baby brother crawled into the street, and you ran after him. A truck hit you.”

  “Mrs. Miller, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault,” Lilith offered. I had a feeling she was right. Since birth, us kids had better protection than the FBI could have provided. Mom had a network of neighborhood informants and spies that equaled Homeland Security.

  “Please, call me Merry,” Mom offered. “After all, we’re family now.”

  “Thank you,” Lilith said, eyes filling with tears. Must be the hormones. A non-pregnant Lilith had never cried.

  Merry gave me a small smile. “I’d like to believe it was—” she glanced at Jehovah “—God’s will.”

  The Lord looked up for the first time since her story began, and He nodded, a flicker of something in His eyes. Yep, I didn’t like where this was going at all.

  “Jace’s heart stopped.” Mom swallowed hard and glared at God. “He died in my arms.”

  God jumped to His feet. “I gave him back, damn it.”

  “You had no right to take my son in the first place.” Joe stepped in front of my mom, his fists ready for battle.

  “He’s not your son,” God roared.

  Great, we were back at square one.

  I closed my eyes, and prayed for patience. I wanted all of them to go away, except for Lilith. I wanted her naked and on her knees.

  A small hand touched mine. I opened my eyes, staring at the serene face of the Messiah. His eyes sparkled, and bald head gleamed. He whispered, “’Member?”

  I shook my head. “Remember what, kid?”

  “Mine, don’t be a-scared.”

  “Come on, you know me better than that.” I winked at him. “I fear nothing. Not purple demons or resurrected roaches. Hell, even dirty Messiah diapers are no match for Mine.”

  “Then ’member, Mine.” His finger brushed my forehead, and the pain in my back vanished. “’Member.”

  A swirl of memories filtered through my head. Lilith. The angel.

  Mary and Sid. Hades. Samuel. Mom and Joe. Life and death. Love and loss.

  God in Heaven. A flickering of something important. A memory of another time, in another place...

  My eyes shot open and I stared into the face of my father..

  Our Father, who spent most of His time in Heaven, Jerry be His other name.

  Fuck me.

  Sixty One

  I sat in stunned silence for ten minutes, staring at God, as he stared back with the same green eyes. I gestured around the room. “Out. Everyone. Out now.”

  My mom�
��s face paled, but she did as I asked, leaning on Joe for support as they left the room. Lilith was next to leave. She kissed my forehead, and dragged the kid out of the door. God would have followed, but I stopped Him. “No, you stay.”

  He nodded. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he seemed nervous, which was ridiculous. What did the Big Man have to fear from a mere mortal?

  I pushed myself up from the bed. “Explain to me how you and my mom...”

  The Lord shrugged. “Heaven gets lonely, son.” Lonely? Was He fucking kidding me? God added, “Your mom, she’s quite a woman. If things had been different...”

  Ee-yew. “Yeah, I’m sure the two of you would’ve made a great couple, but I’m a little more concerned about what happens now?”

  “What do you mean, son?” God’s eyes narrowed, showing off deep creases. He looked all of His five thousand years.

  “Don’t call me that.” My hands curled, but through sheer force of will, I unclenched them. “What happens to the kid? To me? Are we sacrifices to show the faithful you care? A means to save your position in Heaven?”

  God shuffled to the window. He tapped the glass, much like a kid gazing into a fishbowl. “Two thousand years ago, I made a mistake. I wanted to prove my love to the world. Prove myself to be something other than a vengeful God. A God to fear. And, yes, to prove my rightful place in Heaven. I allowed Jesus to die on the cross, and it broke my heart.”

  Yeah right, that’s why the kid’s here for round two.

  “It was his choice, Jace.” God frowned, His reflection glinting off the window. “Jesus determined his own fate. His sacrifice. Just like when the time comes you will choose yours.”

  ~ * ~

  “Jace H. Christ,” I whispered for the tenth time in an hour. Lilith sat next to me on the bed, stroking my thigh. The rest of my “family” had left at my insistence, or rather, at my forceful prodding. My threat of no grandparental contact had sent them scurrying.

  “It has a nice ring to it.” Lilith grinned.

  “Yeah, but so does having ten wives. Then you think about it, and either way, you’re fucked Monday through Sunday. So when do you have time for football?”