Analog Science Fiction and Fact - September 2014

by Penny Publications

  But no one seemed to be the least bit likely to take offense at anything so small as the timing of her arrival. In fact, the Wasp–18 Gammans (she knew she would get better at thinking of them that way if she tried) had surprisingly dulcet speeches for the aspirant nature of their language. Marjan had never seen such calm in sapients who didn't have Proctors—except, of course, in the ponderous, vaguely elephantine Sophonts, who didn't need them. She began to wonder if Pua'a's people had found their soulmates.

  One of Marjan's jobs early in the negotiations was to compare metabolic data with the junior Wasp–18 Gamman diplomat, a looming and lumpy female called Tsak. They found several compatible proteins and only one or two common compounds that the Gammans couldn't eat in human food, so the canteen staff would have an easy job preparing the midday refreshments. When Marjan returned from that task, she found Luis leaning against the wall, watching the proceedings from a tactful distance. Pua'a and the lead Gamman diplomat had completed the astrographical portion of the proceedings, mapping out who claimed which territory in known space, and were discussing resources without a hint of secrecy or suspicion.

  "Easiest first meeting I've ever assisted," Luis said to Marjan in undertones.

  "I know, I can't believe it," said Marjan. "They're incredibly diplomatic. Frankly I can't see what good a Proctor would— oh my God what is she doing to that chair?"

  They both started forward instinctively and then froze in horror. Tsak—the very same Tsak who only minutes earlier had assisted Marjan with canteen arrangements with a nearly-primate smile and many gestures of interstellar goodwill—had torn the polymer mesh seat from the chair and had gone on to bend the metal frame into a set of vicious hooks.

  "Security," said Marjan into her earpiece, a fraction of a second after Luis made the same call.

  The senior Gamman diplomat, Koorsor, stepped forward, again forming the facial expression Marjan had thought of as a smile. She regarded it with a great deal more caution now. "Where is your isolation, please?"

  "Our what?"

  "Your isolation. For moments of extreme duress."

  "We... don't have one," said Luis.

  "We have arranged ourselves not to have extreme duress," said Pua'a. "This is one of the many benefits that—"

  "No isolation?" said Koorsor. "Oh dear."

  "No isolation?" Tsak repeated in a scream.

  "No isolation no isolation no isolation?"

  "If we could perhaps adjourn to another room and leave her," said Koorsor, still smiling.

  Marjan managed to catch Luis's eye as they left the room and Pua'a moved to intercept the security team they'd summoned. Luis wore the same glassy-eyed expression she knew she did. Her Proctor was reporting an 85 percent chance that she would make sub-optimal decisions, given the level of stress hormones in her bloodstream. Hoping that the Proctor wouldn't try to talk her out of it, Marjan locked the conference room door behind her, leaving Tsak to savage the polymer mesh on another chair, howling in frustration.

  "The chairs—" Luis started.

  "Do not worry, hooman, I will add your clans to the database." Koorsor pulled out his handheld, smoother and more curved to his hands than the ones the humans used. "How many clans do the hoomans have?"

  "Uh—" Marjan felt she had been passed from one inexplicable crisis to another. "Thousands? Tens of thousands? I'm not sure. What database? What do clans have to do with our conference room chairs? What just happened there?"

  Koorsor's smile was really beginning to grate on her nerves (80 percent suboptimal, reported the Proctor). "I will mark the property damage credit for 'hooman: unknown clan' until we have better information. Tens of thousands is a quite unwieldy number of clans! You might wish to merge some of them into super-clan alliances."

  "We have alliances among many clans," said Luis. "But what on earth made Tsak so— so—"

  "The chair was not comfortable for her back."

  Marjan blurted, "If I did that to every chair, sofa, and bed that was uncomfortable for my back, we'd be flying around the galaxy with a kitchen table and a shoe tree."

  "Shoe tree?"

  "Do we need to get better chairs?" said Luis nervously. "The printer has been busy with some of the materials needed for the meeting, but we can make a rush order for it to print chairs if your people need—"

  Koorsor honked. Marjan jumped back, afraid that the whole process was going to begin again, but after a moment she realized that the alien had been laughing. "Think nothing of it. It was a moment of shornoth. We are all subject to them. Tsak will have calmed herself within the hour, and the odds that she will go back into shornoth are incredibly small."

  "That's, uh, that's good to know," said Luis.

  "All of you?" said Marjan.

  "It is a healthy release of emotion, vital to the day-to-day functioning of a sane people," said Koorsor. "Do you think that Pua'a will be able to relocate our discussion until Tsak is done?"

  "I—I'll check," said Marjan, and left Luis to smile wanly at the alien diplomat.

  "This shornoth," said Luis. "It's entirely directed at inanimate objects?"

  Koorsor honked again, which was not quite as startling now that Luis had heard it once. "Oh no, not at all. This is why we have the clan databases for calculations of reparation."

  "I... see," said Luis. "So much for a chair, so much for a table, so much for a junior diplomat's arm?"

  "And so much for a junior diplomat," agreed Koorsor.

  Luis swallowed hard. "Just a moment, please," he said in his most calm and diplomatic voice. His Proctor was showing him a 95 percent likelihood to make a poor decision due to stress chemicals—definitely time to remove himself from the situation and let someone else take the reins.

  He found Pua'a chiding Marjan for her silly worries. "We have uplifted dozens of species, little human. They are all full of violence and rage and fear, all in need of our expert assistance to become fully sapient. Remember the sorry state of your own planet when we arrived! The Wasp–18 Gammans are no different. You must calm yourself. How I wish it had been feasible to fit you with one of the Proctors that could smooth out these unfortunate chemical spikes in your systems! Possibly more of your hot brewed leaf compounds might assist."

  "Their database tracks payments for injury to other life forms," said Luis breathlessly. "Including death. They just—take it for granted, apparently."

  Pua'a blinked at Luis, the nostrils at the end of its trunk flaring. "Oh dear," the Sophont said at length. "I fear we may need to reevaluate our contact strategy."

  "You don't say?" Marjan muttered.

  Pua'a snorted, sending a puff of warm air past Marjan. "You are both still overwhelmed by stress chemicals, so I will overlook that remark. Please, collect yourselves. I will deal with Koorsor and discover how prevalent this sort of spontaneous violence is."

  "Koorsor suggested that all the Gammans were subject to it," Luis ventured as Pua'a lumbered towards the antechamber where they'd left the Gamman.

  "So Marjan reported," Pua'a said, pausing on the threshold, and Luis fought down irritation at the thought that Pua'a had discounted Marjan's claim due to her Proctor's readings. "But we must conf irm the information. In matters that affect an entire species, a single diplomat's word is not sufficient. I will request historical and biological documentation to support Koorsor's claims." Pua'a flicked its trunk at its human assistants in dismissal. "Return once your Proctors report that you are rational again."

  Marjan sighed as the bulkhead door slid shut behind Pua'a. "If the ambassador was human..." she murmured.

  "... I'd call him a condescending ass," Luis finished for her. The two of them exchanged rueful glances.

  "So," Marjan said after a moment. "I guess it's time for tea and deep breathing exercises. You want Rooibos or Matcha?"

  Luis's Proctor took longer to return to a normal range than Marjan's did—the Sophonts claimed humans had a baseline 10 percent chance of irrationality, even when calm, well-fed, and
rested—but once they'd finished their tea and hummus, Pua'a summoned them to meet with Koorsor once again.

  "I apologize for my colleague startling you," Koorsor said, smiling and bobbing his head as the humans joined him and Pua'a in an intact conference room. "Tsak should be able to rejoin us shortly, and when she does, I am sure she will feel abashed at her breach of protocol."

  Marjan looked to Pua'a to take the lead, but the Sophont was silent, apparently regarding the proper response to the Gamman's apology as obvious. "That is most gracious of you," she managed. "We, in turn, apologize for being so startled. Our contact team did not notify us of your people's tendency toward shornoth."

  "Most regrettable," Koorsor said, nodding vigorously. "But now we understand each other better, and your clan will be appropriately compensated for your furnishings!"

  Pua'a's voice reached Marjan and Luis via bone conduction as Koorsor finished. "The Xenology section is reviewing the documentation Koorsor provided. Preliminary indications suggest that shornoth is near-universal among the adult population. This must be rectified for the Gammans to considered for Unification."

  As Marjan and Luis absorbed this news, Pua'a raised a control wand in its trunk, activating a projection that displayed images of a dozen species-specific forms of Proctor. "To understand a friend better is a great gift," Pua'a said. "The Unification seeks nothing more than to foster understanding and to help its member species overcome artifacts of their biological evolution, whether those are a tendency to startle and flee when exposed to subsonic vibrations, or a tendency to decide first and examine evidence later."

  "A noble goal for a noble union," Koorsor declared, peering at the various devices and species that the projection depicted. "I hope that your hooman comrades now appreciate the importance of digestion to maintaining sentience!"

  "Indeed," Pua'a rumbled. "Our scientific and cultural experts are examining the records you have provided us, but even a superficial examination reveals that the prevalence of shornoth has had a significant influence on the course of your history. Your earliest attempts at space flight were disrupted by it, I believe?"

  Koorsor tilted his head, still smiling. "Disrupted? There were those who thought so, certainly. But in truth, it only proved a spur to further innovation. Our drives, you will note, are far more powerful than they once were— and all to accommodate the need for isolation!"

  Pua'a's trunk faltered for a moment but then rose again proudly. "I suppose that is one point of view. But the examination of the evidence from a logical standpoint makes it difficult to see shornoth as a force for good in your people. Modern Gammans lose how many hours a year to shornoth?"

  Before Koorsor could answer, Tsak entered the conference room, ducking her head and looking rumpled. "I beg pardon, sapients all, for the inconvenience of my shornoth timing."

  "Not at all," said Pua'a, waving both hand and trunk magnanimously. "It has allowed us to begin discussing one of the crucial elements of bringing your people into Unification."

  "To answer your question," said Koorsor, "it really varies how much time we lose to shornoth. Most of us stabilize around sexual maturity and can predict whether we will likely experience shornoth for an hour a day or for much, much less than that, and can plan our careers and lives accordingly. Gone are the days when we needed to rely on keeping ourselves fully stocked with nutrients in case we needed to go into isolation for weeks or months." He gestured ironically at his camel-like hump. "Our nutrient storage curves can be useful for long-term exploration or other modern needs, of course."

  "Of course," said Pua'a. "We would not dream of interfering with how you store and process nutrients. The system you have evolved allows for a far more even digestive cycle than for some sapients such as humans. I commend you."

  Marjan rolled her eyes. She was grateful that the Proctor had not yet been engineered to detect such movements.

  "We are prepared to offer you an alternative to life with shornoth, however," said Pua'a. "The Unification species must all trust each other. Toward that end, I believe the Gammans would be a good candidate species for the particular form of Proctors that cleanse the bloodstream of irrationality-inducing hormones."

  "Proctors?" said Koorsor. "What is a Proctor?"

  Pua'a gestured with the wand, and the display changed. "Luis, Marjan? Can you show our guests your Proctor insertion points?"

  Marjan walked over to Koorsor, leaving Luis to show Tsak the spot behind his ear that had healed over, leaving only a smooth green bump in case of malfunction access. It was less than the size of his smallest fingernail, and sometimes it was hard to believe that such a tiny thing could cause such disproportionate results.

  "In your heads," said Tsak wonderingly.

  "The ones we have don't filter blood chemicals," said Luis. "Humans have at least as much difficulty with absence of useful chemicals as the presence of... difficult ones."

  "But you want us to filter ours," said Koorsor, swinging his large, blunt nose around to stare at Pua'a.

  Pua'a inclined its head. "The burden of isolation would be completely gone. You could simply—"

  "No," said Koorsor.

  "I think if you look at our—"

  "No," said Koorsor again. Marjan sidled backward a step, afraid that in a moment Luis would have to provide them with her clan name and find out exactly what they thought a junior diplomat was worth. But Koorsor did not seem to be filled with rage—or shornoth, if that was different—or any other emotion Marjan could detect.

  She peered at him more closely.

  "We appreciate your offer, of course," said Koorsor. "Once it became clear to me that you do not experience shornoth at all, I could see why you would think that its absence might be a useful bargaining chip in opening diplomatic relations. But this is how we understand the world. You other species, you cannot possibly imagine the clarity that comes in the wake of shornoth, the valuable insights that arise from having our times of isolation. This is how we are. We want no other way."

  Pua'a put down the wand. It rippled its trunk in a way that Marjan had seen before, a self-calming, steadying gesture like humans used in squaring their shoulders or smoothing their apparel. "I fear I was insufficiently clear, dear Gamman colleague. The Proctor is a requirement for the other races of the Unification. This is one of the greatest gifts in the Universe, the ability to move to full sapience. Any who would refuse it—are not ready for the benefits of Unification."

  Marjan found herself impressed despite herself at the calm and steadiness all the alien diplomats maintained. Pua'a sounded even more saddened and disgusted than usual by the foibles of lesser species, but very little of that was going to be obvious to someone with no experience with the Sophonts. And Koorsor—Koorsor's calm rivaled Pua'a's, reminding her of why they had initially thought the Proctor would gain the Gammans nothing.

  She had never seen such an impasse.

  "I will let you think on the information we have provided," said Pua'a finally. "Let us adjourn, each to our own chambers, that we may reconvene tomorrow with clear heads."

  "An admirable goal," Koorsor replied.

  Marjan and Luis often dined together, since their schedules meshed well and so did their temperaments. While the others were making elaborate diplomatic farewells, they slipped out to the canteen to pile their plates with protein balls, noodles, and tangy sauce from several hydroponically grown vegetables.

  "I can't believe they turned Pua'a down flat," said Marjan.

  Luis was still savoring the first mouthful of noodles and didn't answer immediately. When he did, he wore a rueful smile. "Oh, I can. You remember what I said about the ambassador being a condescending ass? The Proctor is like having the ambassador living behind my ear. I like not making stupid decisions under stress—but every once in a while it would be a relief to just do what seemed best without having the Proctor chiming in my ear about fatigue poisons or stress chemicals or low blood sugar."

  Marjan thought of all the ti
mes her Proctor's insistence that fatigue or hunger took precedence had interrupted her work. "No, that's true, it can be a pain sometimes. But look at all the wars humanity used to get in. And all the bad business deals our ancestors made! Even if you're not going to the point of bombing your neighbors, without the Proctors we'd get into bad relationships and buy useless crap all the time."

  Luis shrugged. "I could deal with a few more pieces of useless crap around my quarters."

  "But the Gammans—"

  "Oh, the Gammans should get Proctors," he said. "The Gammans should get superduper-hyper Proctors grown in high carbon-dioxide environments so they get really huge. A species that can't even keep from smashing up the furniture at a negotiating session? We cannot fit them for Proctors fast enough."

  "Or get them off our ship," Marjan muttered. "Although I suppose it's not that much more comfort to have them on their own ship with those powerful engines Koorsor was going on about. Powerful engines and who knows what else. Better to just get the Proctors in as soon as possible."

  "Before they decide to rampage through hydroponics, tear memory sticks out of the data library, or breach reactor containment," Luis agreed. They each took another bite of their protein balls, glumly contemplating the havoc a Gamman could wreak by going into shornoth without warning.

  "Hey," Marjan said as Luis stirred noodles around on his tray distractedly. "Maybe Pua'a is going about this too directly."

  "What?" Luis said, glancing at her. "Are you suggesting one of the Sophonts could be wrong?"

  "Not wrong," Marjan said. "Just... close-minded. I mean, we agree with the Ambassador that the Gammans need Proctors. Right?"

  "Jesus and Mary, do we ever," Luis muttered.

  "And the Gammans flatly refused to consider adopting a Proctor that would keep them from entering shornoth at all."