by Dell, T. J.
“See? I told you it would be weird.” Brent sounded slightly amused. “I don’t suppose you have anything you want to say to me?”
“Of course—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on. I swear I had no idea how you felt.”
“What?” Brent jerked his gaze to hers; his eyes were—what? Maybe angry? “Lyssa I haven’t been…what did you call it?... pining for you since we were ten. Is that why you’re here? To apologize for breaking my heart?”
“No. Maybe. I didn’t?” Alyssa looked up at him. “I don’t know why I’m here Brent. I just want things to be normal for us again. What are the chances of us just pretending the last month never happened?”
“I think we’ve done enough pretending lately. Maybe you should just go, Lyssa. You let me know when you’re ready to talk for real.”
“That is completely unfair Brent! I am here. We are talking. Actually mostly I am talking and you get to sit there and sigh and roll your eyes at me a whole lot. You know what? You’re right, I am gonna go. I think maybe we could use a bit of a break.” Alyssa scrambled out his window, and back into hers. She stayed awake most of the night waiting for him to come tapping at her window—but he didn’t.
On Tuesday she left for school late. This time she was hoping for a breakfast ambush—she didn’t get one. Whatever. She didn’t need all those extra calories anyway. Brent put too much cheese in his omelets. At school she wandered around in her own world. By the end of the day Beth had taken to calling her zombie girl.
“You gonna tell me what brought the zombie on?” She asked when practice was over and they were headed for the parking lot. “Did you fight with Brent?”
“I told you yesterday that we broke up.”
“Yeah, you did. I just didn’t buy it until today. You are pretty out of it.”
Alyssa considered lying, but she was tired of lying. Especially to Beth. “Brent and I did have a fight. At least I think we did. We were never really dating at all you know. Jenn assumed, and I just didn’t want people talking after that mess with Pete.”
“I thought it might be something like that. But you seemed happy together.”
“He’s my best friend. We are always happy together. At least we were. He really hates gossip; he only went along with it because I basically begged him.”
“So, why the fight?”
“Who knows. Things just got weird. I kind of accused him of being in love with me.”
“And?”
“And—he’s not.”
“Oh. Awkward…” Beth’s eyes went all sympathetic.
Alyssa was so tired of dealing with this whole issue. “Do you want to do something? Get a smoothie at the mall maybe?”
Beth was very easy to get along with. She happily agreed and they spent the remainder of the afternoon on light topics that didn’t make Alyssa’s head (or heart) ache.
On Friday she got her Shakespeare paper back in English class. It was her first A in that class all year. Of course there was no way she’d have done so well if she hadn’t reworked the entire thing according to Brent’s comments. Twice she pulled out her phone to text him a thank you. He would be glad for her. At least he would have been if they were talking to each other—but they weren’t. Apparently they were on a break. And it was her stupid idea. The Shakespeare paper ended up in the bottom of her back pack.
Saturday was the last Cheer meet of the season. All the girls went to a party at Jennifer’s house to celebrate. A couple of weeks ago a party at Jenn’s house would have been pretty low on her list of things she’d like to do. We are talking lower than swimming with leeches. Now she was looking forward to hanging out with Beth—besides her other option for the weekend was to stay home alone not calling Brent.
“It’s kind of too bad we didn’t do a little better. It would have been nice to make it to the championships at least once before we graduated.” Beth was saying. She and Alyssa were curled up on the floor playing with the Pastings’ ancient German Sheppard. Some Cheer teams went on to compete through the winter. They weren’t ranked well enough to compete at a higher level.
“I guess. But I like having time off between seasons.” Alyssa wasn’t bothered by their low standings. Now that she thought about it cheering was one of the only things Alyssa didn’t feel competitive about. Usually she relished her open schedule during the holidays. Of course historically speaking she’d filled those open weekends with Brent. Thanksgiving was still two weeks away—surely by then Brent would be speaking to her again. Wouldn’t he?
“I can’t tomorrow, my Hillfield man wants to go to a movie.” Jenn drew out the word Hillfield as if she was saying sex god.
Alyssa’s whole body spun around involuntarily. Jenn was walking past them with Sue. Brent and Jenn were going to a movie? That was just terrific. Great even. He could do whatever he wanted; he wasn’t her pretend boyfriend anymore anyway. Of course this meant she’d be visiting Pop alone again. Poor Pop would be subjected to her subpar chess tactics. Maybe Brent didn’t care about that though.
“Hey—you have to take everything she says with a grain of salt. You know that.” Alyssa forced herself to focus on Beth’s voice.
“It’s fine. I told you we aren’t together. I’m gonna go home. I’ll see you on Monday.”
Alyssa fled to her car.
Thanksgiving arrived, and Brent still didn’t call. Alyssa hated mashing the potatoes; usually Brent did that part for her. Most years he would have been at the Maddow’s all morning. Watching the parade on TV, helping in the kitchen, and tossing a football in the yard. He would have gone home around 1:00 when his grandparents arrived. So it was hardly as though her holiday was ruined. Pop was happy to watch the parade with her, and chess was nearly as much fun as playing catch—anyway it was warmer. During dinner Alyssa kept glancing out the window to see if any extra cars were at the Carter’s. Like maybe Jennifer’s silver Jetta. She didn’t see it, but that didn’t make her feel any better.
In school Alyssa tried to be her usual cheerful self. It wasn’t fair that Brent could ruin school days for her as well as weekends. They went to different schools—it wasn’t like she’d lost something. Of course her usual cheerful self was getting harder and harder to pull off. Actually she was pretty sure that no one was buying it. During lunch Jennifer was constantly hinting at her big evening plans—trying to bait Alyssa into asking her what they were. Alyssa started taking her lunch to the library. She needed the study time.
After school Alyssa was too busy to notice if Brent’s car was in the drive or not. Her Mom and Dad were going to regret all their eating out when their blood pressures were through the roof. So she started going to the market, and she took charge of dinners. Her pasta was never as good as Brent’s, but she made a fabulous turkey pot pie and her chicken tacos were to die for. As it turned out not having Brent around all the time wasn’t so bad after all. Her grades shot up—probably because he wasn’t always there distracting her while she tried to study. And she didn’t have nearly as many sleepy mornings now that he wasn’t keeping her up until all hours playing video games. For the first time in memory all of her Christmas shopping was done early.
Sometime in December, remembering actual dates had become less important to Alyssa lately, Beth was waiting to ambush her outside her last class of the day. They sly smile on her face made Alyssa nervous even before she noticed the small thin box covered in Santa Claus faces in her outstretched hand. “Christmas isn’t for, umm… 8—no 9 days yet.” She objected thinking of the not yet wrapped Rihanna CD she’d chosen for Beth—still at home in her bedroom.
“I know. But this is a time sensitive gift.” Beth shook the box at her with impatience.
Opening the gift, Alyssa lifted one of several tickets from the layer of tissue paper. “Billy Joel?”
Beth grinned. “I know you are a fan. The concert’s this weekend… so time sensitive.”
“I am. A fan I mean. There are four tickets here.” Alyssa was pleased. Billy Joel was
a favorite of hers. She didn’t remember telling Beth that. She was such a good friend.
“Well Tommy and I are going too, and his cousin, Spencer, is a big Billy Joel fan—so he makes four.”
Alyssa nodded. “Wow this is great thanks!”
“Actually I’m kind of excited too. I looked him up—he did all the music for movin out. I loved that show”
“I know.” Alyssa fought a memory of Ms. Carter taking her and Brent to see the Broadway production a few years before.
Chapter Twelve
Beth and company picked her up Saturday afternoon. “Alyssa, Spencer, Spencer, Alyssa.” Beth was saying when she reached Tommy’s car in the driveway. “Spencer is at Penn State. Didn’t you say you applied there?”
“Yeah, I guess so. Do you like it there?
“It’s alright. School is still school though.” Spencer was very nice looking. A little taller than she was, with short dark hair bright twinkling eyes, he’d been leaned against the passenger side of Tommy’s car and now was holding the door open for her.
“Thanks.” She slid into the back seat.
“Alyssa is a big hockey fan.” Beth continued when she and Spencer had settled into their seats and they were headed towards the arena.
“But she’s a Flyers fan.” Tommy put in.
“So definitely not the perfect woman, huh?” Spencer joked. “We are strictly Pittsburg fans in our family. Shame too—you being so pretty and all.”
Hockey was something Alyssa could talk about all night long. And she almost did. Beth didn’t even seem to mind that she was being excluded from the conversation. It was a nice idea, Alyssa thought, for Beth to have invited Spencer. This way no one felt like a third wheel.
The show was terrific. Their seats more or less qualified as nose bleeds, but it was still a lot of fun. She sang along with every song, and they all danced in the isles during uptown girl.
“I had no idea I would know so many songs!” Beth exclaimed after the concert. They’d ended up in a corner booth of a campy old diner on the highway ordering pie and milkshakes.
“I told you he was famous—my mom listens to his stuff all the time.” Tommy teased her. “C’mon let’s check out the claw machine.” He tugged Beth out of the booth and off into the small arcade area next to the hostess station.
“So. Good concert huh?” Spencer asked when they were alone.
“Yeah. I’ve never seen him live before—I think he hit all my favorites. How about yours? What’s your favorite Billy Joel song?”
“Oh, well I like uptown girls I guess. This isn’t my usual style.”
“Oh. Beth said you were a fan. That’s why she invited you.” He just looked at her. “Oh. My. God. They set us up! This is supposed to be a date.”
Spencer’s eyes crinkled up a little and he nodded slowly at her. “I think that’s pretty obvious.”
“You knew?”
“Umm, yeah. Music. Food. Date. Anyway I broke up with my high school girl friend over the summer and I think Tommy’s been feeling bad for me. Happy couples are always trying to put together more happy couples.” Spencer clearly thought she was insane for taking so long to figure it out.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking… along those lines.”
“It’s fine. Now that you know—what do you think?”
“About being on a date with you?” Panicked, sad, and a little sick to my stomach Alyssa answered to herself. “I’m sorry. I’m just not in a dating place right now. Sorry.”
Spencer was looking at her strangely. “You don’t need to apologize three times. You’ve hardly broken my heart.”
“It seems I’m not breaking a lot of hearts lately.”
Alyssa was saved from the embarrassment of having spoken out loud by the return of Tommy and Beth. At the end of the night Alyssa was very glad to be going home. Being on a non-double-date was pretty awkward once you actually knew it was a non-double-date.
Chapter Thirteen
Christmas came and went. Alyssa was grateful for the week off of school. She was tired—she could probably use the rest. Lately she could barely seem to find the energy to make it to school on time. Every year since they were 12 Brent left town to spend the holidays with his dad. Last year they’d gone skiing in Vermont. It was dumb to miss his company during a time of year she was use to being alone anyway. Of course last year she’d gotten beautiful postcards, funny emails, and whatever—she didn’t miss him that much.
It was a good holiday even without a call from her best friend. Alyssa determinedly disregarded the still wrapped gift under the tree addressed to Brent. Normally he would have been over a few days earlier to exchange gifts before he left for his dad’s. This year the super light weight aluminum collapsible tripod wrapped in shiny green paper laughed at her from beneath the tree. He hadn’t come. Whatever, she’d bought the thing weeks ago anyway. Before the stupid break.
Pop loved the baseball game she’d bought him for his Wii. She stayed later than usual that evening after bringing Pop home just to try it out with him. She won. It was way more fun than chess. “So does this mean I am off the hook for Sunday chess games now? I’ll play as much baseball as you want.” Alyssa goaded her grandfather a little. He liked it that way.
“We’ll see about that, girl. These TV games take a little practice. I never used to be good at the bowling one either. Did Steven tell you I bowled a perfect game last week?”
“No. That’s great Pop.”
“Yeah he bowls with me on Tuesdays—helps me get ready for league night. Wish I coulda had that 300 for league night, though. Maybe now we’ll play a little ball—I can’t have it getting around the home that I play worse than a girl.”
“I don’t play ball like a girl and you know it!” Alyssa liked when Pop teased her. He didn’t seem so much like an old man then. She felt glad that her Dad had been visiting on Tuesdays; it made her feel better about not brining any extra visitors on Sundays. Maybe next week she would bring Beth. It wasn’t like Brent was her only friend.
A few days after the holiday she and Beth saw a movie. “I’m sorry about the whole Spencer thing.” She was apologizing as they waited for the popcorn.
“It’s cool. I loved the concert. He seemed like a nice enough guy, I’m just not into dating right now.”
“I should have known you weren’t over Brent yet.”
“Technically, I was never under him.” Alyssa realized how that sounded. “Oh! You know what I mean.”
“So—you haven’t talked to Brent yet.”
“Nope. Come on, I don’t want to miss the trailers.” Alyssa tried to walk away, but Beth’s legs were more than long enough to keep up.
“You should call him. It could only help things.”
“Things don’t need any help. We are just taking a little break from each other. It’s not the big deal you are making it.”
“Really? So you haven’t been Zombie Alyssa for the past two months?”
“No! I have been concentrating on classes, and I’ve been busy with family stuff. I really do like the trailers! Let’s go.”
Okay so the movie wasn’t her best idea ever. Beth was great, but too perceptive. Had she really been Zombie Alyssa?
Standing on the porch when Alyssa and Beth got back from the movie theater, were both her parents. Just standing there, in the cold, with no heavy jackets—as if they’d rushed out the door as soon as Beth’s car drove into sight. Alyssa and Beth approached the house slowly.
“Something’s wrong.” Alyssa stated when she and Beth made their way to the front door. “Mom, you’re supposed to be at the hospital for another two hours.”
“It’s your grandfather.” Her dad’s face looked pained when he spoke.
“Is he in the hospital again?” Alyssa forgot Beth was there and she rushed toward the house.
“Let me grab some things and we’ll go see him. I still have his greatest game DVDs. Last time they kept him so long and…”
“Alyssa sweet
heart.” Her mom grabbed her arm before she could get through the door. “He isn’t in the hospital. He had a heart attack. There was nothing they could do.”
Realization didn’t dawn on her until much later that night. She was lying in bed trying to sleep when her thoughts finally made sense again. Her grandfather was gone. She wasn’t going to beat him at baseball on Sunday, because she wasn’t going to be seeing him on Sunday. She wasn’t going to be seeing him at all anymore. The very idea was so foreign that she couldn’t process it. All night she’d thought of anything else. She’d made lasagna for dinner. Pop loved her lasagna. No one had eaten much that night. She’d cleaned the bath room. She’d dusted the upstairs banister that her mom always forgot about.
At some point she was pretty sure she’d texted Beth to be sure she got home all right. Alyssa wasn’t sure when she’d left. Beth called back, but Alyssa didn’t answer. What would she say? So she went to bed. Not to sleep, because she couldn’t sleep. She just laid there all night—not sleeping, not thinking, not doing much of anything.
The viewing was more of the same. Alyssa hung up coats, and fetched trays of refreshments. There was a couch reserved for her family. Presumably so other mourners could find them easily and tell them lots of stupid things that wouldn’t help at all. So she didn’t sit on the couch. Cousins Alyssa couldn’t name made conversation with her that she’d never be able to recall. The cousins were all wearing black. Pop hated black on young people. Said it wasn’t appropriate for anyone under thirty—Alyssa wasn’t sure why that was. She wore her blue skirt.
She didn’t think much about Pop. She didn’t linger at the photos depicting his life story by the entranceway. She didn’t join in while his bowling league from Stoneybrook were swapping stories. She didn’t even talk to her dad when he tried to get her to sit down. He was crying. For two days she’d watched him cry for the father he hadn’t gotten along with. Alyssa hadn’t cried. Not one tear—her mascara was in zero danger. Maybe, she thought briefly, maybe she hadn’t loved Pop enough. Or else wouldn’t she be crying? When people felt sad they cried. Alyssa couldn’t seem to feel sad. She felt frantic and numb and for some reason really-really annoyed—but not sad. Alyssa wished she could sit. Her body was suddenly too heavy—like her legs couldn’t support her own weight. No way was she going near that couch.
