A Flicker of Light

by Roberta Kagan

  “Petra, I must tell you something. I lied to you.”

  “About what?” Her head tilted to the side; she had thought him so sincere. For a moment she wondered if she knew him at all.

  “Do you remember when I said my girlfriend had died on the voyage to America? I said that because to me, she did, but the truth is that when she got to America, she would not wait for me. She found someone else and married him. It hurt me too much at the time to talk about it. So, in my mind I made believe that she was dead. But I can’t be dishonest with you.”

  “Are you still in love with her?” Petra breathed a sigh of relief, realizing that the lie he’d told her had only been to save him this painful conversation.

  “No I am not still in love with her, and I never thought the day would come when I would be able to say that, but it has. She is nothing more than a memory now.”

  Petra swallowed and nodded her head. “I understand pain. I thought I would never get over Hans. When he died, I felt like a part of me died with him. I did not think I could ever care for another man. Then I met you. You are such a good man, and you have helped me bear the terrible pain of losing my son.”

  “Petra…” His eyes met hers. “I love you. With my whole heart and soul, I think I love you.”

  “I love you too. I believed I would never again say those words to anyone, but I do.”

  She trembled as she reached out and took his hand, and brought it to her lips. She placed a single kiss on his open palm, and he reached out for her, stroking her cheek with tender affection. His eyes never left hers as he placed his hand on the back of her head and gently pulled her toward him until their lips met. Their first kiss was soft, tenderly brushing the flesh of their mouths together, gently exploring each other, with his eyes on hers. Then Aaron reached up to caress her face. His lips parted hers, and their tongues touched as he carefully laid her back on the hay.

  He lay above her, his heart beating in rhythm with hers. As they were drawn into a heated fervor, their kisses grew stronger and they smoldered with desire. His experienced hands caressed her neck, kissing and worshiping her silky skin. Their eyes remained locked as he removed her blouse and then her brassiere. His lips softly brushed her nipples as she gave a breathy sigh of passion. Then, taking her in his arms, he kissed her deeply, nearly bruising her lips as his need for her grew stronger. With his other hand, he lifted her skirt and removed her panties. She had never wanted a man more. Her passion had never been this powerful with Hans. He touched her womanhood and a tiny cry of desire escaped from her. Then he moved down her body with his lips and tongue, taking his time to kiss and caress every inch of her. He kissed the soft flesh of her inner thighs. Parting her legs, he moved between them and kissed her most private place, opening her to reveal all of her secrets. He found her tender, sensitive nub and sucked gently as she purred. As Petra lost control, her body responded with wild abandon.

  She felt a rush of powerful energy course through her as she gave herself up to his loving mouth. He made sure her body had grown moist before he attempted to enter her. Their bodies joined, and for both of them, it felt as if they had found their twin soul. Two halves became a whole. Two lovers became one. Careful to pleasure her first, he moved slowly, taking his time as he gazed transfixed into her eyes. When his climax shook him, he knew that no love from the past would ever be as deep or as real as this one. The feelings he felt for her could not be matched by any he had ever known before. When their passion was finally spent, she laid her head on his chest and ran her fingers down his stomach.

  “You are so beautiful,” he murmured.

  “Do you really think so?”

  “I do. I saw it right away, the first time I looked at you.”

  “I feared you the first time I saw you,” Petra smiled as she remembered.

  “I know. I knew it then. You looked terrified,” Aaron said.

  “I am sure I did. At the time, I didn’t know anything about you. And when you told me about being a Jew, I thought Jews were dangerous. I had never met a Jew before.”

  “And now you know that the only difference is the circumcision,” he laughed.

  “Did it hurt?”

  “I don’t remember. It happens when one is an infant.”

  “Oh, my God. They cut your penis when you were a baby?”

  “Yes. There is this man who does it.” She lay with her head on his chest wrapped in his arms as he spoke. “He’s called a mohel, and he comes to the house and snips the baby. It’s not the penis, really, it’s just the foreskin. Then after everyone watches the ordeal, the parents have a party. All the guests eat and drink while the poor little tyke is suffering.”

  “Oh, that’s so awful.”

  “No, not really, I’m just kidding you. Actually it’s good for the child. It’s cleaner, and there are fewer possibilities of medical problems in later life. Besides, they give the kid a little red wine to make the cutting easier, less painful.”

  “It sounds barbaric.”

  “I know it does, but it really isn’t.”

  “Well, in my mind it is.”

  “Very well,” he laughed. “You have the right to your own opinion.”

  “I would never let them do that to my baby.”

  He smiled at her and stroked her hair.

  Petra spent the night in Aaron’s arms, leaving just before the workers arrived the following morning. Just as the light of the sun began to brighten the night sky she crept quietly back to her room. Aaron’s mind scuttled about. All of his emotions and desires waltzed through his psyche like dancers in a ballroom. This love could prove more painful than the relationship he’d had with Greta. His feelings for Petra were far stronger than his love for Greta had been. If he had any sense, he would walk away now. Yet thoughts of her consumed him with hunger: the way her hair fell across her shoulder and the sound of her voice. He thought of the silky texture of her skin and her sweet, innocent smile. She could be stubborn. He knew that, but he found it endearing. He could hardly wait until she came to him again.

  Chapter 24

  U

  pstairs in the main house, Petra found herself caught in a flood of emotions. Confused, she went about her daily activities, distracted and lost in thought. The emptiness she felt at the loss of baby Hans followed her, but the captivating love she felt for Aaron left her amazed. Blissful one moment and brokenhearted the next, Petra’s odd behavior had captured Siegland’s attention. The older woman watched, and she knew what had happened. Petra had fallen in love.

  That night as they lay together, Petra told Aaron about the Lebensborn.

  “I’ve heard something about those places, but you’re the first person I have ever met who has been in one.”

  “They are crazy - mad with this idea of the perfect Aryan race. They are manufacturing children like they manufacture tools or machines. The worst part of it is if one of the babies is born deformed in any way at all, it is quietly done away with. I ran away because I feared for little Hans, and now he’s dead anyway.” For a few moments she remained silent, fighting the tears of guilt that threatened to surface. “Aaron?”

  “Yes, love?”

  “Do you think that God is punishing me for my sins? I mean for having a child with a man I knew my family would never approve of, and out of wedlock too? And for being stubborn and running away from home, leaving my parents worried?”

  “No, Sweetheart, I don’t think that God is punishing you. I think sometimes things just happen.” He stroked her hair and raised her head to look into her eyes. She found strength in his reassuring gaze.

  “I hope you’re right. I feel so guilty sometimes, like I brought so much misery to my family and then to the baby. I mean, I brought him into the word without a father, you know.”

  “Yes, I understand, but it’s not your fault. You got caught up. You were young and scared.” Aaron held her a little tighter. “And, well, how your folks felt about your relationship with a German didn’t help much, so you d
id the best you could in the situation. Then, when you realized he might be in danger, you put yourself in jeopardy for your child. That’s a noble thing to do, Sweetheart. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

  “You make me feel protected, like somehow everything will be all right.”

  “I’ll try to always make you feel that way, and I’ll do everything I can to make sure everything is all right.” Aaron said as he kissed the top of Petra’s blonde hair.

  Two weeks later, Siegland cut her hand as she trimmed the stems off of a bunch of strawberries. Blood spurted from her palm, and Petra hurried to her side with a clean rag to stop it.

  “Should I go and get Aaron?”

  “Oh, I don’t know what I should do. Maybe this will need stitches. The workers and those guards are all outside. Maybe I should go to him in the barn. I would go down to the cellar, but it’s so hard for me at my size to get down the stairs. And since I’m so slow, they might see me,” Siegland said.

  “I know, Mama. Let me go and see what he will need to stitch this up; then I will come and get you. Perhaps he can do it the barn.”

  Petra looked around, her eyes darting in all directions before going into the cellar. Betraying the hiding place could be the end of them all, and therefore she knew it was imperative that she did not get caught.

  When he saw her enter, a light came into Aarons deep emerald eyes. The danger temporarily forgotten, he rushed to her and took her into his arms. The rapture of love overtook them both, and Petra momentarily forgot why she had come. The heat of his embrace and the manly smell of his skin sent flames of passion through her. Lost in the moment, the two lovers held tight as the SS guards stood watch over the prisoners upstairs, just feet away. Coming to her senses, Petra remembered Siegland.

  “Mama’s cut her hand, and it’s bleeding badly. I don’t know if you think it’s too much of a risk to try to stitch it up.”

  “Well, it certainly is risky, but we can’t have Siegland bleeding all day. So be very careful and bring her down here. Bring a needle and thread, as well as a clean cloth and the alcohol. And please, love, be careful.” He smiled at her. Something about this man could make her feel such a sense of well-being, even when she knew it to be reckless to feel that way.

  So Petra gathered the supplies in a basket and wrapped Siegland’s hand in a towel. Then, with both of their hearts thumping in fear, they headed down into the cellar. It was difficult for Siegland to squeeze through the trap door, but she managed. No one even took notice of them, and they arrived safely down in the cellar. Aaron quickly began his work. Pouring alcohol over the open wound, he blew on it to help with the sting. He realized the sharp, burning tingle she must be feeling, but he had no other method of cleaning the wound and could not risk the wound getting infected.

  “I’m sorry, Mama, but I have to do this to prevent infection,” Aaron told Siegland.

  Siegland beamed now, despite her pain. Both the boy and the girl called her Mama. She felt needed and loved, despite the deep sorrow she still felt at losing Hans.

  Aaron wished that he had a local anesthetic to dull the pain as he skillfully sewed the wound. Siegland bit the inside of her lip, and bravely kept silent. Aware of the danger from the guards just outside, she shoved the bottom of her skirt into her mouth and bit down, stifling any sounds that might escape her lips. Once he finished sewing, Aaron tore a piece of the cloth they’d brought and carefully wrapped Siegland’s hand.

  “It should be all right now, but keep it clean.”

  As the women left the cellar and walked back outside, Petra felt her stomach lurch as she saw a young Nazi guard watching carefully. Their eyes connected and he looked her up and down, smiling a crooked, one-sided smile. He ran his tongue slowly over his open mouth and brushed his crotch with his hand. She wondered what he had seen and how much he knew. Aaron’s life could be in peril; the entire family could, for that matter. In spite of the warm weather, she felt a chill, as if her blood had turned to ice water. When they returned to the house, she mentioned what she had seen to Siegland.

  “Mama when we left the barn, one of the guards stood just a few feet away as we walked back to the house. I don’t know if I am just being overly suspicious, but I am afraid he might have seen where we went. He looked at me with such a wicked smile.”

  “They always do, it seems. Well, we must hope that he didn’t see anything,” Siegland said.

  Chapter 25

  F

  or the remainder of the day Petra could not forget what had happened. She played the scene of the soldier eyeing her over and over in her mind. When evening arrived at last, she sighed with relief as the truck carrying the pathetic prisoners and their frightening guards pulled out of the Bruchmeier farm. She watched the crowded faces of the prisoners as the Nazis carried them away and wondered if she and her newfound family would soon join them. Her heart felt like a boulder weighing down her chest. If the Nazis came to arrest them, she believed that it would be her fault. If she had never come, then Hans would never have been sick, and then there would have been the need for a doctor, and so on and so forth. Her mind spun; guilt and worry consumed her. Unsure what the future would bring, she buried her head in her hands and wept. Siegland heard her and came to her room to see what had caused Petra’s tears.

  “What is it, child?”

  “Oh, Mama, these Nazis have made our lives into a living hell. I am so afraid that I have put you and Papa in danger. I am also afraid for Aaron. At this point, I’m not even concerned about myself. I’m afraid for those I have come to love. It is consuming my mind with such unbelievable dread. I watch the prisoners and listen to the terrible things that Aaron tells me about what is going on, and I am afraid for all of you, so afraid. All of my life I felt capable, like I could manage anything that came my way. But I know I cannot protect you. I have no control at all, and that is driving me mad.”

  “Child, child, don’t cry. We cannot worry about what might happen. We can only hope for the best and live for right now. That’s all we’ve got. If I should die, I would die a happy woman for having had you as a part of my life. I know Klaus feels the same way, so don’t you worry. Promise me, and show me that pretty smile. Come on,” Siegland said and she took a handkerchief from her apron pocket and wiped the tears from Petra’s face. “It will be all right; you will see.”

  Down in the cellar, Aaron thought about the vow he had once made to himself. He had sworn he would never love again, yet this sweet, strong girl had captured his heart and held it in her hands. He felt that he understood the depths of her despair as she had lost her child. But then she’d amazed him as he watched her pull herself back up and find the strength to go on. Her mesmerizing beauty staggered him, but his love came from a much deeper place. In fact, he knew he would have loved her even if she had not been so striking. This woman and this family had come to him like the answer to a prayer. All of his life as a Jew, he would never have dared to dream that non-Jews would have put themselves in such danger for him. In fact the idea made him uncomfortable; Aaron did not want anyone endangered for his sake. And it would be nice if an opportunity arose where he could make himself useful to Klaus.

  If fate had not stuck him in the cellar, he could certainly give the old man a hand with the farming. Instead, he was stuck hidden away like a coward. That bothered him. It made him feel less of a man. Since his association with Dr. Blumgarten, he’d prided himself on his character and integrity. But now he found himself concealed at the expense of a woman he loved and a family kind enough to shelter him.

  The heat in the cellar was stifling, and the air was stale and unmoving. He tried not to use the candles unless absolutely necessary. Besides, with the shortage, he didn’t know if they could acquire more, so he wanted to preserve the supply. With the darkness relieved only by the tiny slips of light that filtered through the cracks in the floor panels above him, the black, endless days dragged on. Once in a while he heard the voices of the Nazi guards, with their irate guttura
l commands as they bellowed at the prisoners. Sometimes he heard their vile conversations and laughter concerning sexual escapades with women. Despite this, he found he longed for sound. Sometimes the horse would whinny and relieve the silence, but most of the time he heard nothing, trapped in the dark, lonely cellar.

  But most of all, Aaron longed for Petra, wished that he could make things right for her and for the Bruchmeiers. He knew that Klaus did not want him there, and in many ways he could not blame him. However, Aaron knew that if he had been Klaus, he would have elected to defy the Nazis. But, of course Aaron was young and strong, and had the arrogance of youth to sustain him. He realized that he could not expect that of Klaus, who was just an old man and not even in the best of health.

  Petra came to Aaron after the sun had set and the prisoners had gone. The couple embraced, and for a long time Aaron held her, taking in the softness of her skin and the sweet floral fragrance of her hair.

  “I think one of the guards knows about this place. I am afraid he saw Mama and me as we came out this afternoon.” Petra told Aaron.

  “I must leave then. I don’t want to endanger any of you, especially you.” His hand embraced her face.

  “Leave? Where will you go? What will you do? Will I ever see you again?”

  “Shhh, it’s all right. I won’t go far. I’ll keep watch on you from the forest, but I’ll remain out of sight. And of course you will see me. When it’s safe, at night, we will meet. We’ll arrange a meeting place in the woods.”

  “I’ll bring food. But what will we do when winter comes? I can’t stand the thought of you out in the cold.’

  “Sweetheart, we’ll worry about the winter when it gets here. We’ll figure something out then. Maybe the suspicion will die down and I can come back to the cellar. We’ll see. For now, I can’t jeopardize you or the Bruchmeiers any more than I already have.”