by Nikki Paris
Evan closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m barely functioning.”
“More bad news?”
He nodded.
“What can I do?”
He shrugged. “Nothing. No one can do anything.”
I wrapped my arms more tightly around his waist. “Fuck.”
“Yep.”
He kissed the top of my head and said, “I’m going over to my parents’ house now. My mom and sisters are losing it, and I need to be with them. I wanted to hear you sing for a minute. It always makes me feel a tiny bit better.”
Evan started to pull away, but I caught his hand. “Do you want me to come with you?”
His eyes traveled over my face for a moment, and then he shook his head. “Just keep our bubble warm for me, and I’ll see you tomorrow.” He leaned in for a soft kiss.
“Okay,” I said when our lips broke apart. “I love you.”
“Love you, too, pal.” He gave me a sad little smile and then walked away. I watched him go with my heart aching.
I closed my eyes and then pulled out my phone to call Ava. I was honestly surprised when she answered.
“What’s up, girl?” Her voice was hard to hear, muffled by loud music and laughter.
“Ava, did you get my text earlier? I really need to talk to you.”
“Uh, yeah. Sorry. I get so many messages these days. It’s hard to keep up.” She started talking to someone else and then returned to our conversation. “What do you need to talk to me about? Is it still pissing you off that I’m promoting your music for free? That would normally cost you $1,000 a post, so just say thank you!”
I sighed into the phone. “No, Ava. I really want to talk to you in person.”
“Well, I actually had to work really hard to carve out an hour to come and see your show tonight. Why didn’t you talk to me twenty minutes ago when I was with you?” She sounded irritated.
“Because this isn’t something I can tell you in five minutes with a million other people around!” I was getting frustrated with Ava, but it was for selfish reasons. I wanted to appease my guilt, and she wasn’t making it easy.
“Hang on, Si.” When Ava spoke again, all of the background noise was gone. “I’m sorry. I haven’t been a very good friend lately. I have to get ready for a video shoot with the new Too Faced palette, but I want to talk to you. Can you meet me at my place next Saturday afternoon?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yep. Thanks, Aves.”
“Love you.” Ava made a kissing noise into the phone.
“Love you, too.” I hung up and slid my phone back into my pocket. Too Faced was the name of a make-up brand, but it was exactly how I felt. I would have laughed at the irony if I didn’t feel like such a shit person.
20
Evan
My phone rang as I pulled open my parents’ front door. Ava. She’d been calling me almost every day “just to check on me.” She was throwing all of her mad love and attention at me, but I didn’t find it irresistible anymore. I found it irritating as hell.
And every time I saw her name flash across my phone, I was reminded that Sienna still hadn’t told her about us.
Fuck. I didn’t have time or energy to be hurt and offended over it. I rejected the call, then walked inside and found my mom and Bea in tears on the living room sofa. That sight was nothing new. I gave them both quick hugs and asked, “Is dad awake?”
My mom nodded, and I headed up the stairs. My parents’ bedroom door was cracked open, and I could see Charlie perched on the edge of their bed, reading the newspaper to my dad. My dad’s headaches and vision were so bad now that he couldn’t read the paper himself.
I slipped into the room and sank down next to my little sister.
“Evan,” My dad addressed me with a stern look, interrupting a news article about the highway expansion project that would be completed long after he was gone.
“Dad.” I gave him my most optimistic smile.
“I hear you gave up your soccer contract with Cali United.”
Charlie folded up the newspaper, patted me on the shoulder, and walked out of the room.
I traced a blue square on the patchwork quilt that covered the bed, avoiding my dad’s piercing gaze. I did give up the contract. Practice started next week, and there was no way in hell I was heading to another state to play a stupid game while my dad lay here dying. “It’s the semi-pros. The pay is shit, and the fame is non-existent. It’s not a ticket to the pros by any means.”
He sighed and leaned back on his pillows, scrunching his eyes shut against his likely headache. “Son, if you want to quit soccer because you want to quit soccer, then do it. But if you think that you’re going to quit soccer because of me… well, I’m not too sick to still whip your ass!” My dad’s raspy deep laugh shook his body.
I grinned at him. “Okay, old man. Let’s take it out back, though. Mom doesn’t like fighting.”
“That she doesn’t.” My dad smiled and shook his head. “She’ll be okay when I’m gone, you know? She’s tougher than she looks.”
I frowned. I didn’t like it when he talked about his own death like this. I was still trying to deny its inevitability.
“What about you, son?”
I sighed. “What about me, dad?”
“Will you be okay when I’m gone?”
Not even a little bit.
I smiled and asked, “Am I not as tough as I look?”
“You tell me, Evan. Will you take care of yourself? Will you do all the things you want to do in life?”
“Sure I will, dad.”
“What do you want? What are you going to do to take care of yourself?”
I laughed. “Dad, I’ll be fine.”
“Humor your old man so I can die in peace.”
I squared my jaw. “Don’t say that shit, dad.”
“I think I will say it because it’s the truth!” He propped himself up in bed as much as he could. “Son, I need to know that you’re going to be okay. I need to know that you’re going to take the right path, not the easy one.”
I’d taken the easy path with school. I didn’t even apply to any Ivy Leagues. I went to the college that would give me money for kicking a ball around.
Hell, maybe even soccer was the easy path. But was it easier to give up or keep playing?
I’d taken the easy path by choosing Ava back in high school, and it was still biting me in the ass.
Sienna still wasn’t officially mine, and I was starting to think I was holding my breath for nothing. She was there for me in our bubble — and don’t get me wrong, I fucking lived for those moments alone with Sienna, exploring her body — but I still couldn’t call her my girlfriend. She still hadn’t stood up to Ava and told her about us. I was like her guilty little secret.
I tried to pretend it didn’t bother me, but it was eating at me from the inside out.
After the silence between us stretched on too long, I looked my dad in the eye and admitted, “I don’t know what the right path is. I think I always take the easy one.”
“No one has life figured out, son. We’re all faking it as we go. Just take things one step at a time. Pick up each choice as it comes, see if it feels right, and then make it. You don’t have to decide everything all at once.” My dad groaned and leaned back against his pillows. “And sometimes, the path doesn’t reveal itself until you’ve already taken a few steps.”
He groaned again. “Shit. I’m not making any sense, am I? Charlie gave me some meds right before you got here, and my head’s getting all fuzzy again.”
“No,” I assured. “You’re making perfect sense.”
“I want to tell you everything before I go, son. I don’t have much time left to tell you everything you need to know.” He closed his eyes. “I need to rest a minute, and then I’ll tell you everything.”
A moment later, he was fast asleep. I watched him and swallowed the painful lump in my throat. Reality was knocking. I dead bolted the door.
I wandered into the kitchen and found Charlie furiously scrubbing the dirty dishes in the sink. She looked up when I entered, and I saw her red-rimmed eyes. “Is he sleeping now?” she asked.
I gave a gruff nod. “He’s really dying, isn’t he?” My voice sounded hollow and foreign to my ears, almost like I was a child and not a man at all.
Charlie wrinkled her forehead and replied, “Yeah, Evan.”
Reality crashed through all my locks and deadbolts and tore right into my chest. It didn’t fill me with tears and grief, though.
It filled me with rage.
◆◆◆
I should have canceled my plans with Sienna. I had finally, one hundred percent admitted that my dad was going to die soon. I wasn’t fit to be around anyone at all.
I should have gone home and gotten wasted in my living room, alone.
But I showed up at the café where we agreed to meet, with nothing but rage burning through my veins.
“Hey.” Sienna sat across from me at the little round table. Her eyes scanned me and filled with worry. “You okay?”
I glared at her because a glare was all I could offer. “Yep.”
My phone started ringing. Fucking Ava again. I held it up so Sienna could see and arched a single eyebrow. “I take it you haven’t told her yet?”
Sienna frowned. “Well, no. I tried a couple of times last week, and—”
I scoffed and cut her off. “Sienna, I seriously can’t hear this right now. You are clearly going to choose Ava every time. You’re never going to be mine, and I need to face the facts. Maybe we were never really meant to have our chance.” I raised my voice and threw my hands in the air. “Life’s pretty fucking shitty, so why would we?”
Sienna flinched as if I’d struck her. “I… Evan, I’m going to tell her. I have plans to meet up with her in a few days, and I’m going to tell her. She’s been really busy, and I wanted to tell her in person.” She let out a shaky breath. “I choose you, Evan.”
Sienna reached for my hand, but I jerked it away. “Don’t fucking choose me because my dad is sick, Sienna. Don’t you dare choose me because you feel bad for me.” I ran my hands through my hair. I was off the rails with my fear and anger, and I was taking it all out on the girl I loved. I wanted to shut myself up, but I was hell-bent on destroying everything good in my life today.
If I couldn’t fucking save my dad, I didn’t deserve shit.
Sienna’s mouth dropped open, and pain filled her pretty eyes. “Evan, I — That’s not what— I’m not!”
I looked my beautiful soulmate right in the eye and said, “I can’t do this with you. I fucking need space, Sienna.”
I heard her breath catch, but I didn’t stay to watch the tears roll down her cheeks. I stood, shoved my hands in my pockets, and walked away from her.
I sure fucked that up, didn’t I?
I was already making my old man proud.
21
Sienna
Evan had every right to be upset with me, and he was stressed out of his mind. It would be hopelessly naive of me to think that he wouldn’t lash out at me while he watched his father die.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine what was going on in his head right now, and while his words had sliced straight through me, inflicting a ridiculous amount of pain, I couldn’t hold them against him. He was angry and terrified, and when he was falling, I wasn’t the soft place to land that he needed. I was another bed of thorns.
Because I was selfish about all the wrong things.
Because I wanted to keep Ava and Evan.
Maybe we were really over like he said. Maybe he was just having a breakdown and pushing people away. But either way, I needed to put on my big girl panties and tell Ava the truth. Even if Evan wasn’t mine, I needed to own up to everything I’d done.
I drove to Ava’s beautiful lake-side house, right on time for our “meeting.” I missed the days when we could show up at each other’s houses without scheduling.
My heart raced as I knocked on her custom cherrywood front door. She pulled the door open, with her phone pressed to her ear. “Yeah, Milo! Of course!” She let out her fake laugh. To me, she mouthed, “Sorry,” and waved me inside.
I followed Ava down her entryway and into her home office, listening to her expensive heels click against the shiny white tile.
Ava sank into the chair behind her desk, still talking to this Milo person. I took the red suede chair opposite her desk and waited for her to finish her call.
After another minute or two of fake laughs, Ava hung up the phone and rubbed her temples. “Fuck, Si. I need a vacation.” She grinned at me — her real grin. “Remember those girls trips we used to take in college? Those were the good old days. We need to do that again!”
I gave her a weak smile, but she didn’t even look at me. Her eyes were already on her laptop. “Okay, I saw that you have almost fifteen-thousand followers now, girl! That is awesome! We can get your account verified now! You’re like influencer status! Welcome!” Ava was back to her fake smile.
Where the hell did my best friend go?
Ava was already talking again. “Have you heard from Evan recently? I’ve been calling him a lot, but he never answers! I’m so worried about him!”
Evan. Ugh. He wasn’t currently answering my calls, either, which made it even more crucial that I say what I came here to say. “Ava, that’s actually what I want to talk to you about.” My palms were sweating, and I was sure I was going to puke.
Ava glanced up from her laptop and said, “K, what’s up?” Then she turned back to her screen.
“So, about two months ago…”
Ava was typing something and staring at her laptop.
I let out a shaky breath. “Ava?”
“Uh-huh?” She still didn’t look at me. “Sorry, I have a lot of comments to respond to, but I’m totally listening. Just spill the tea, sis.” Ava took a quick sip of her iced coffee and continued typing.
A small part of me wanted to walk away and say, “Oh, I tried! But she didn’t listen!” But I knew I couldn’t do that. I wanted to be with Evan one hundred percent. We both deserved that.
I sat up straight and blurted out, “I’ve been seeing Evan!”
Ava’s fingers froze above her keyboard. Her shoulders stiffened, and her brow furrowed. She let out a sharp breath. “I’m sorry. I swear I just heard you say that you’re seeing Evan, as in you are dating my ex-boyfriend.” She slammed her laptop shut and stared at me with narrowed eyes. I had her full attention now, for the first time in years.
I squared my jaw and nodded.
“What?” Ava’s single word sliced through the air like a bullet.
My heart pounded in my throat. “About two months ago, when we ran into each other at the bar we…”
“What the FUCK, Sienna?” Ava slammed her fists against her shiny marbled desk with murder in her eyes. Then she held up her hands, “Hold up, so this has been going on for months? Were you screwing each other at that sushi dinner? Is that fucking why you bailed on me after?”
I could feel my throat tightening and my stomach churning. “Yes.” I shook my head. “I should have told you what was going on, but I was scared, and I didn’t know what to say! I’m so sorry about that!” Tears burned the corners of my eyes.
Ava stood and paced back and forth behind her desk, lips pressed into a thin line. When she spoke again, her words were low and pressed through clenched teeth. “You—the only real friend I thought I had— fucked the only guy I ever actually loved.”
“Ava, I’m sorry.”
“Get the fuck out of my house. You are dead to me, Sienna.”
I closed my eyes as the tears streamed down my cheeks. I expected this, but I still hoped that I wouldn’t have to lose my best friend completely. “Aves,” I whispered.
“I loved him before you even moved into the neighborhood. It was fucking torture watching you guys together all through high school! But I kept that shit to myself because I loved you! And then, when I saw him again, I thought enough time had passed. I thought I could finally be with him! And, look, I’m sorry for keeping shit from you, but I’m not going to apologize for loving Evan.”
“GET OUT!” Ava screamed and threw a handful of pens at me. A few bounced off my arms and chest, landing with a clatter on the floor. She reached for the next thing on her desk — a high-heel-shaped tape dispenser —and aimed for my face.
“Fuck! Ava! Stop!” I held my hands up and jumped up to leave.
“Never fucking speak to me again!” Ava yelled and knocked a crystal vase filled with lilies to the floor. It shattered, and sent little droplets of water sailing through the air. “You are the worst, most vile person that I have ever met!” Her pretty little face was twisted in a fury that I’d never seen from her.
“I’m going!” I let out a sob and hurried from her office. I could hear her crying as I pulled the door shut behind myself. I ran to my car, my entire body trembling. I climbed behind the wheel and peeled out of Ava’s driveway. “FUCK!” I screamed as tears blurred my vision.
I drove home and burst into my apartment. My phone was blowing up in my back pocket. I pulled it out with shaking hands and gasped. Ava had just tagged me in a post. It was a photo of us from middle school. The caption made my blood run cold.
You know when you have that best friend that has your back no matter what? Then, instead of having your back, she takes a knife and jams it into you? Well, here’s a word of advice to you, my friends: No one has your back. Look out for yourself.
Fuck you, @Siennasings. I would say I hope you two are very happy together, but that would be a lie.
I clicked on my profile with shaking hands and watched my follower count drop in real-time. The little red number next to my message icon, though, climbed to unreal heights.
Don’t read the messages.
I read the first three messages. They were pure hate from complete strangers. I blinked back the tears and sank onto my sofa. How could she do this? How could I have done this?
