by Nikki Paris
Fuck. I picked up my phone again with shaking hands to call Evan. I wanted to hear his voice. I didn’t want to talk about Ava or us. I wanted to hear his voice and see if he was okay.
He sent the call straight to voicemail.
My heart sank to the newest possible low. Did I completely blow up my life?
◆◆◆
The next few weeks had me wanting to drive my car off a cliff. Ava appeared to have come to her senses a few hours after her vicious post. She deleted it, but the damage was done. Haters filled my inbox and trolled the comments on every post I’d ever made.
Ugly.
Bitch.
Fake.
Cunt.
My Sunday night show at Toni’s coffee shop was a disaster, too. A few of Ava’s fans showed up to heckle me until Toni kicked them out.
On my way out of the coffee shop, I passed the big green dumpster. I almost tossed my guitar into it, along with my phone.
To make matters worse, Evan still wouldn’t answer my calls. I didn’t want an apology for the way he lashed out at me. I didn’t want to explain myself and tell him about my conversation with Ava. I fucking wanted to know if he was okay.
Finally, after a solid three weeks of no contact from Evan, I decided to call Rob. I paced back in forth in front of my refrigerator while I waited for him to answer. “Sienna? What’s up?”
“Rob! Have you heard from Evan? I can’t get a hold of him!”
“Yeah…” Rob said. “He’s not good, Sienna. His dad keeps getting worse even faster than the doctors expected. At this point, they’re only giving him a couple of weeks.”
A lump formed in my throat. “Fuck.”
I could hear Rob let out a long deep breath. “He told me about you guys.”
Tears burned my eyes now. “Oh yeah? Does he hate me?”
“He hates everyone right now, but mostly he can’t deal with anything — good or bad.”
“Should I go see him?” My voice cracked.
Rob’s voice was filled with uncertainty. “I don’t know. He spends most of his time at his parents’ place lately, and it’s always pretty crowded there. You’re not family, so I doubt you’ll get past the front door.” Rob paused. “Don’t write him off. Just give him a little time, okay?”
Like I could ever write him off. “Okay. Thanks, Rob.”
22
Evan
There’s a dark and hopeless place that your mind goes to after you lose a loved one. It’s like a bottomless, inescapable pit, and your mind dives right in without abandon, even if you try to stop it.
That was where I existed, and that was where I wanted to stay.
23
Sienna
Evan’s dad was gone.
I cried for a solid hour when Rob called to let me know.
After my river of tears dried up, I tried to call Evan. It went straight to voicemail.
Of course it did.
Rob called the next day, too. “The funeral is on Tuesday at 1:30. I’ll text you the address.”
I closed my eyes against my tears. “Thanks, Rob. How is he? Have you seen him?”
Rob sighed into the phone. “No, I haven’t seen him. He texts me bare minimum details, then doesn’t reply or answer his phone. I’m trying to decide if I should show up at his house.”
I let out a shaky breath. It didn’t make me feel better that Evan was ignoring everyone’s calls. I wanted him to have someone, even if it wasn’t me. “Shit,” I whispered.
“Yep.”
“Okay, Rob, thanks for letting me know. I’ll see you on Tuesday, I guess.”
◆◆◆
I sat alone, in the back of the funeral home, with tears streaming down my face. Evan sat in the front row with his family, looking completely numb and stoic. God, it was good to see him, even though I hated the reason.
Ava sat in the second row, sandwiched between Rob and a few other friends from our high school days. She sat in the second fucking row like she was important to Evan.
She sat in my place, with our friends, and I let her because I was too damn broken to fight her on it.
Or was I?
I stood on shaking legs and made my way to the front of the room. I took the last seat in the second row, next to Trey from the old high school soccer team. He gave me a sad smile and a little wave.
Ava caught my eye with an arctic glare. She stared at me for a minute, challenging me, but I turned my gaze forward, back to Evan. I wasn’t here for Ava or her drama. I heard her irritated little noise, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw her scoot down the row and trade places with Mia to get further away from me.
That’s right, Aves. Back up.
Evan turned and looked at me for a split second before the service started. My heart skipped a beat, and I wanted to hold him. I knew at that moment that we belonged together, even though we’d both screwed up too many times to count.
He dated Ava and broke my heart. I chose Ava and broke his. He didn’t tell me about his dad. I didn’t tell Ava about us. He pushed me away, and I let him.
But nothing was unforgivable.
We fucking belonged together.
◆◆◆
After the service, I stepped outside for some air and spotted Ava and Evan on a bench outside the funeral home. “It’s raining today.” Ava sighed. “That’s unbelievably cruel.” She rested her head on Evan’s shoulder. He didn’t respond or react to her touch.
Ava kissed Evan’s cheek and then stood. “I should probably leave you to be with your family now. Please, please call me if you need anything at all.” Ava’s beautiful eyes pleaded with him, and I saw how much she still loved him. I would have felt bad for her if she’d shown a little more grace during my confession, if she’d been there for me in the last year, and if she hadn’t sicced her hundreds of thousands of angry fans on me.
Maybe the things Evan and I had done to each other were forgivable, but the things Ava and I had done weren’t. I poured gasoline on the bridge, and she threw a match on it. There was no coming back from that.
I watched Ava trying to force open her pink polka-dotted umbrella. I took a step toward Evan, and he stood, turning to look at me.
Ava let out a sharp breath when she saw me and hurried off into the pouring rain. She finally got her umbrella open when she was halfway to her blue Prius. Evan and I stood in silence and watched Ava drive away.
Evan spoke first. “She thinks the rain is cruel.” He glanced over at me. “But it’s trying to wash away all the bad shit, right? I mean, it’s not working, but someone has to try.”
I reached for his hand and gently squeezed it. Fire shot through my veins. Even that tiny amount of contact was too much. It made me want too many things from him. I wanted to go back to the perfect little bubble we created, the one that couldn’t be popped by drama or cancer.
But it was childish of us to think that we could stay there for any real amount of time. Real love has to exist in the real world. We could make it happen, but today was the wrong day to try.
“I’m so sorry, Evan.” I gave him a quick hug, then turned to head to the parking lot. I had an umbrella in my bag, but I didn’t pull it out. I savored the cool drops of water on my skin as they fell from the sky. They felt like little kisses all over my body— like the way I imagined Evan’s love would feel if I could keep it forever.
I climbed into my car but didn’t drive away. I sat and watched the water bead up my windshield, thinking about Evan and his dad. I suddenly felt the completely foreign urge to let my parents know I loved them while I still could. I didn’t have a good relationship with either of them, but maybe it wasn’t too late to try. I sent them each a text, saying I loved them, and then closed my eyes and rested my head against the seat.
My phone buzzed a moment later. I assumed it was my mom or dad, but to my surprise, it was Evan. Are you still here?
My heart raced. Yes.
Don’t leave yet.
I read his message, and t
hen my passenger door opened and Evan slipped into my car. He looked shattered. I wanted to pick up all of his pieces and glue him back together.
“Hey,” I whispered, my eyes filling up with tears.
“Hey,” He whispered back.
“What do you need? What can I do?”
“This.” Evan’s strong, sure hand cupped my face, and then his lips crashed into mine. Oh, god. He felt so good! I kissed him back with everything in me, and he met my passion, breath for breath.
Evan’s hands slid down my neck, to my shoulders. They continued roaming my body with the same passion as his lips. I climbed over the center consul, hitching up my black pencil skirt, and straddled his lap. Evan groaned and slid his hands up my skirt to grip my hips. I buried my fingers in his hair as we kissed. It was still wet from the rain. He didn’t like umbrellas either.
“Sienna?” He tore his lips from my neck, breathing heavily. “Let’s go somewhere.”
“Where?” I trailed kisses down his jaw and neck.
“Fucking anywhere but here.”
I gazed into his eyes, at his ocean of grief, and nodded. I slid back into the driver’s seat, not bothering to pull my skirt back down, and started the car. I glanced over at Evan. He was staring at me like I was the only thing that existed in the world. I asked, “Do you want to think about him or not?”
“Not.”
I shifted the car into drive and turned left out of the parking lot. Evan’s hand slid up between my thighs and brushed against my panties.
I didn’t know what the hell was happening. I didn’t know if it was healthy or smart, but it felt like what we both needed right now.
I turned up Main Street and headed for the park where we always hung out as teenagers. This was the spot where Evan heard me play my guitar for the first time. It was where we laughed and talked and made sarcastic comments that Ava didn’t understand. It was where we went when he and his dad finished restoring his ’69 Camaro.
When my car rolled to a stop next to a secluded picnic table, Evan pulled the door open and stepped into the rain. I followed him out and stood quietly next to him as the rain-soaked through our depressing funeral attire.
The park was deserted. No one in their right mind would be out in a freezing autumn downpour like this.
But we weren’t in our right minds.
Evan sat on the edge of the picnic table and gazed at me, unflinchingly through the rain. It was falling faster now, landing in big, splashy drops all around us.
He didn’t say a word, but I knew what he was waiting for.
24
Evan
Sienna was my fucking soulmate. She knew exactly where to take me after my dad’s funeral. I didn’t have to say a word. Her kisses were magic, too — the only thing that could reach me in my dark place.
I gazed at her now, in the rain. Her tight, black skirt was still partly pushed up and looked heavy with water. Her silky black button-up clung to her beautiful body. Her long dark hair dripped, and her eye make-up ran down her cheeks in little black rivers.
Sienna slowly walked toward me, and my heart pounded. Her movements were like poetry written for my eyes only. She pressed her body and lips back into mine, and the agonizing pain in my chest shrank to a dull ache.
I ran my hands all over her body while we kissed. My senses were alive like I was exploring a new place, but my hands remembered every inch of her. It was like returning home.
Why the hell did I push her away so hard? She was the only one that made me feel even half-way human.
I jerked her sopping wet skirt back up all the way and sank onto the picnic bench. The park was completely deserted, and I fucking wanted her. I slid her little black panties down and kissed between her thighs. Sienna gasped and tipped her head back, letting the rain splash down on her beautiful face.
When I stopped kissing, she turned her face downward to meet my gaze and immediately reached for my belt buckle. Did I want to have sex with Sienna? Every damn day. But I would have been satisfied just touching her.
Sienna slid my cock out of my pants, and I was aware of the cold splashes of rain that landed on me, but I only felt the heat from Sienna’s hand as she rubbed up and down my length. I groaned, closed my eyes, and said her name, “Sienna.”
When she lowered herself onto my cock, my eyes shot open and met her gaze. My head was in hell after the week I’d just had, but my cock was in heaven — deep inside Sienna. And don’t they always say that men think with their dicks anyway? I could easily let it win and go to heaven with Sienna.
Sienna lifted her hips and brought them back down to create the tiniest bit of friction. She pressed her lips to my ear and whispered, “Is this okay?”
I nodded and whispered in her ear, “Always fuck me, okay?” I slid my hands down to let them enjoy the smooth, bare skin of her backside. The rain still pelted us, but it only made me want her more. The air all around us was ice cold, but the air between us was molten. I locked lips with Sienna and pulled her into me until I was as deep as I could go. Then Sienna started rolling her hips in a perfect rhythm. The faster she moved, the harder I held her body against mine.
I released her for a moment to tear open her shirt. Then I buried my face in her cleavage. I kissed the tops of her breasts but wasn’t satisfied. I slid my hands into her shirt and unhooked her bra. The second it fell away, I took her right nipple in my mouth.
Sienna threw her head back and moaned, but the storm swallowed the sound. Almost as if she knew I needed to hear her pleasure, she then pressed her lips against my neck and let out another soft moan. She rocked her hips faster until I was nearing climax.
“Sienna,” I whispered against her cheek.
“Come inside of me, Evan.” She closed her eyes and bit her lip like she was on the edge of her own climax. Sienna’s gasps of pleasure hit, and I felt her tighten around me. I followed close behind, unable to hold back my moans.
I fucking felt Sienna in my soul. And I was right, for just a minute, she’d taken me straight to heaven.
We pressed our foreheads together, breathing heavily, hardly able to see through the now pouring rain. Sienna slid off my lap and grabbed her stilettos and pair of panties that she’d discarded on the ground. They were dripping with mud. I zipped up my pants and followed her through the downpour back to her car.
We climbed inside, both of us dripping and creating little puddles everywhere in her car. Before either of us could say a word, my phone rang. It was soaked from the rain but apparently still functioning. When I tugged it from my pocket and saw that it was Bea, I sighed and answered.
“Evan?” Her voice was muffled from the rain. “Where are you? We can’t find you anywhere, but your car’s still here! Are you okay?”
I sighed. “Yeah, Bea. I’m fine. I went for a drive with a friend. I’ll be back in twenty, okay?”
“Why would you leave your family on the day of dad’s funeral to go be with some random friend?” Bea sounded angry and hysterical. I didn’t blame her. Our dad was dead.
“I needed some air, Bea.” I leaned against the seat and closed my eyes. I felt the car begin to move as Sienna backed out of her parking spot and headed for the funeral home.
“Just come back right now! Mom needs you!”
It was a selfish ass move for me to run away with Sienna today. I knew it. But my dad made me promise to take care of myself first before I tried to take care of my mom and sisters. That was all I was guilty of with Sienna — putting myself first.
“I’m coming, Bea.” I sighed and hung up the phone before she could start chewing me out.
Sienna glanced over at me when we stopped at a red light. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken you away from your family. I—”
“Stop, Sienna. You took the pain away, even if just for a second, and that’s exactly what I needed. Don’t say sorry. Just let it be one of those perfect moments when the rain washes all the bad shit away.” I drummed my fingers against the window as we near
ed the funeral home. I knew Sienna wasn’t mine. I’d fucked that up too much— but I’d hold on to this moment as long as I could.
Sienna chewed on her lower lip and pulled up right in front of the funeral home. She was shivering from the cold, or maybe from emotion.
I sighed and ran my hands through my dripping wet hair. I opened the door and stepped back into the rain.
“Evan!” Sienna leaned over and gazed at me with pleading eyes. “Please call me if you need anything. I’m serious. I’m here for you, always. Call me.”
I gave her a sad smile and said, “Sure, pal.” Then I closed the door and headed back into the suffocating funeral home.
Bea and Charlie rushed me the second I walked through the door. Bea’s eyebrows were furrowed in anger. “There you are! You’re soaked! Who was that? Who were you with?”
Charlie’s sad blue eyes watched me. “Sienna.” Her voice was so quiet that I barely heard her. Bea didn’t hear her at all.
I met my little sister’s gaze and gave her a slight nod. Charlie was the quiet, observant one, and she kept her emotions all tucked up inside. Bea was the one that was crying and yelling at everyone. Bea looked like the one that was falling apart, but Charlie was the sister I needed to look out for. Charlie would drown in a tidal wave of grief and never speak a word.
I slid my arm around Charlie’s shoulders. She didn’t even flinch at the cold from my wet shirt. Then, the three Cox kids walked back into the room where our mom sat with our dad’s ashes.
25
Evan
I pulled into my parents’ driveway and spotted my dad’s white truck. It made my breath catch. How could the truck sit there, shiny and gleaming in the sun, like nothing had happened? How dare it continue to exist when my dad was gone?
