by Nikki Paris
Tears didn’t burn my eyes today. I’d already cried too much in the last four days. My dad would have said, “Evan, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get back to living.” Ironic words from a dead man.
Today, it was anger that built in the pit of my stomach. I was angry at my father for leaving me. I fucking needed him. I was pissed at the doctors for failing him. I was mad at my mother and sisters for being a mirror of my grief. I was angry at every friend that reached out. I didn’t need their goddamn sympathy. Most of all, I was furious with myself for not being the brave, confident man my dad taught me to be.
I climbed out of my car and almost slammed the door, but I heard my dad’s voice again. “Easy, son! You need to treat cars like beautiful women. Gentle.”
I walked up the driveway and pulled open the front door. The house was silent, and all the shades were drawn. “Mom?” I called out. “Charlie?” No answer.
I wandered up the stairs and had to turn away from my parents’ open bedroom door. That was where he died. He said he wanted to die under his own goddamn expensive roof. I closed the door and swallowed the lump in my throat.
Charlie’s bedroom door was closed. I knocked gently and then opened it. My little sister was spooning our mom on her bed, stroking her hair while she sobbed.
Fuck.
Charlie glanced up at me. Her eyes were swollen but dry. She patted the bed on her other side and then went back to stroking our mom’s hair.
My first response was to yank open the shades and drag them both out of bed. Dad wouldn’t want this. But my grief pulled me to the bed, and I sank down next to my sister. I leaned over and kissed my mom’s forehead, then rested my hand on Charlie’s back. This kid had always been too tough. She always held people together when they were falling apart.
We sat like this for what felt like an hour, no one speaking. Words weren’t right.
Then my phone rang, startling all three of us and pulling us from our silent grief.
Ava was calling. Again. She’d called me every damn day since the funeral. I hadn’t answered the phone yet. She was the last person in the world that I wanted to talk to right now. Ava was the kind of person that would chatter on and on, saying every unhelpful cliché under the sun.
“Who’s that?” Charlie asked, her voice thick and hoarse.
I sighed. “Ava.”
“You gonna answer it?”
I stared at my phone until it stopped ringing. “I guess not.”
Charlie sat up and rubbed our mom’s back. “Momma, I’m going to go make some dinner, okay? We need to eat.”
Our mom didn’t answer.
Charlie sighed and slid off the bed, motioning for me to follow her. We headed downstairs and into the kitchen. “Mom’s not good,” I said. Our mom had always been sensitive. She felt things a little too deeply, but our dad had been like her shield from the cruel cold world. Now, he was gone, and she was left raw and exposed.
Charlie leaned against the island and rested her forehead in her hands. “I know. I don’t know what to do with her. Dad always knew what to do, but I don’t.” Charlie stood up straight and squared her jaw. She yanked open the fridge and then slammed it shut. It was full of foil-wrapped dinners donated by well-meaning neighbors. “Fuck. I’m going to order a pizza.”
It looked like Charlie had also reached the anger stage of her grief. I caught her wrist. “You’re not good either.”
She glared at me. “Of course I’m not.”
I pulled my little sister into my arms. “You don’t have to take care of mom alone. Bea and I are here, too.”
“Are you?” Charlie shoved me away. “Bea’s busy with her kid, and when she is here, she’s more hysterical than mom. And this is the first goddamn time you’ve shown up since the funeral. I feel pretty fucking alone, Evan!” Then she rubbed her temples and sighed.
“I’m sorry, Charlie. I’ll be better. I…”
“You don’t know what to do either.”
I nodded and stared at the floor. “But that’s no excuse. I shouldn’t be leaving my eighteen-year-old sister to deal with this shit alone.”
Charlie nodded. Then she sighed and said, “When do you have to be back at work?”
I closed my eyes and rubbed the back of my neck. “Three days.” Why did the world think it could keep turning? Why did my boss think that one week was sufficient time to grieve a man like my father?
I would have quit already if I didn’t need the money to pay for my apartment. And I needed the apartment because there was no way I could stand to live in this house. Was that selfish of me? What was the difference between taking care of yourself and being selfish?
“Maybe that will be good.” Charlie pulled out her phone and asked, “What do you want on your pizza?”
“Pineapple.”
Charlie raised her eyebrows at me. “You hate pineapple on pizza.”
“Yep. But dad loved it.”
My phone rang again. Ava.
“Answer that, or she’s just going to keep calling.” Charlie rolled her eyes and walked over to the curtains, yanking them open. Warm, yellow light flooded the kitchen.
I gazed out at the backyard and felt guilt wrapping its fingers around my neck. The grass was about five inches too long, and the garden was filled with weeds and rotting produce. I should have been taking care of the yard as soon as my dad got sick.
How the hell was I supposed to follow his last advice? How the hell could I take care of myself first? There was too much that needed to be done — too much that had been put off for “later.”
I slid open the sliding glass door and stepped out onto the back patio. I stared down at my phone and then answered. “Hi, Ava.”
“Oh my God! Evan! I’m so glad you answered! I’ve been like, sobbing over here worrying about you! Can I come and see you?” Ava did, in fact, sound like she was crying. I didn’t need her tears.
“I’m not up for a visit right now.”
“I know you don’t feel like it right now, but you need to be surrounded by people that love you. Babe, I’ll bring dinner, and we can watch that stupid show that you and Charlie always loved and forced me to watch. I’m not asking right now. I’m telling you that I’m coming to take care of you.”
The anger that had been building in the pit of my stomach bubbled over. “Fuck, Ava! I said no! How the hell would you have any clue what I need right now?”
“Evan, I—”
“And don’t call me babe. I haven’t been your ‘babe’ for almost five years.” All of the hurtful words I’d left unsaid came spilling out of me. I knew I should stop. I shouldn’t hurt Ava this deeply — she was trying to help — but my anger was out of control. I gripped my phone with white knuckles and continued, “You need to fucking move on, Ava! I broke up with you because I didn’t love you, and I still don’t. I’m never going to love you that way!” I raised my voice. “You are the last person I want to see right now!”
Ava let out a tiny sob and then said, “Um, okay, Evan. You’re grieving right now and lashing out at me. I get it. I’ll give you some space and reach out again in a few days. I love you, even if you’re angry and saying horrible things to me.” Then the line went silent.
I threw my phone into the overgrown grass and buried my hands in my hair. How much clearer could I be? Fuck, Ava! I thought my tears were all dried up, but the joke was on me. They came pouring down my face in hot, angry rivers. Fucking hell!
Charlie slid the door open and folded her arms across her chest. “You’re never gonna find your phone in that jungle. That was a dumb thing to do.”
I sighed and furiously wiped my tears away. Charlie didn’t need me to fall apart like this. “I’m going to come over tomorrow and get this whole yard cleaned up. I promise.”
Charlie nodded. “Okay.” She leaned against the doorframe and played with the ends of her hair. “So, Ava still thinks you belong to her, huh?”
I scoffed and shook my head.
“Ha
s Sienna called?”
She hadn’t. It had been radio silence from Sienna since we… did whatever the fuck we did after the funeral. I’d probably confused the hell out of her.
I’d pushed her away because I was mad that she didn’t want to break up with her best friend for me. It was an issue, for sure, but I’d blown it up bigger than it needed to be because of my grief and fear.
Then, I’d frozen her out and refused to speak to her for months.
After that, I’d climbed into her car and fucked her after my dad’s funeral. She probably hated me.
I hated me.
“I’ll take that as a no,” Charlie said. “What’s her deal?”
I glanced up at my little sister. “Does that matter right now?”
Charlie shrugged. “It feels good to talk about something that’s not dad.” She sank down and sat on the back porch steps. “So what’s Sienna’s deal? Aren’t you guys into each other?”
I’d never said a word to Charlie about my feelings for Sienna, but Charlie still knew. Her big blue eyes had watched me with my friends in high school and seen through my bullshit. They watched me now and saw how damn much I wanted Sienna to call.
I walked over and sat next to Charlie on the steps. “I was sort of dating Sienna a few months ago, but I fucked it up pretty bad.”
Charlie shocked me and laughed out loud.
“The hell is wrong with you?” I asked.
Charlie continued laughing and shook her head. “I think it’s heartbreakingly stupid that your soulmate has been right in front of you since you were my age, but you’re still not together.” Suddenly, Charlie’s laughter turned to sobs, and she covered her face with both hands.
“Charlie?” I pulled a hand away from her face. It was twisted in pain, and her eyes glistened with tears.
“Is life just a tangled mess of broken hearts, Evan?” Her voice cracked.
I slid my arm around her shoulders. “What do you mean?”
“Mom and dad had this beautiful love, but it was ripped away from them by fucking cancer, and now mom is broken! Before dad got sick, Bea found out that Jack was cheating. She was going to leave him.”
“Shit.” How had I not known about Bea’s marriage problems? Was I that far out of the loop?
“Yup. And you had the girl you’ve wanted basically your whole life, but now you won’t fight for her! Fuck all of this, Evan! There’s no such thing as a happy ending!” Charlie was yelling through her tears now. “We’re all broken and alone!”
Charlie let out a shaky breath and said, “The pizza should be here in like ten minutes. Please make sure mom eats.” She stood up suddenly, crying so hard she could barely breathe. “I have to get out of here.”
“Where are you going?” Worry surged over me. Charlie didn’t freak out like this. She was in agony. But all I had to offer was more of my own anguish, and wounds don’t heal wounds.
“I don’t know!” She screamed at me and tore back through the house.
I sighed and leaned forward to rest my head in my hands. Charlie was allowed to have this outburst. I would let her go, but if she didn’t come back in a few hours, I’d call her every five minutes until she answered. I stood and searched through the grass to find my phone.
I found it after a few minutes and groaned out loud when I saw hundreds of notifications. Ava had tagged me in an “I’m so sorry for your loss” post right before she called. The “love and support” from all of her fans was pouring in.
I wanted to drop my phone in the grass again and leave it to be chewed up by the lawnmower tomorrow morning. Then I saw a text from Sienna.
Hey you. I don’t want to say the wrong thing, but I want you to know you haven’t been out of my thoughts for a single second.
I’d ignored hundreds of texts, calls, comments, and messages this week, but I answered Sienna immediately. Can I see you?
Of course. When and where?
Now. I’m at my mom’s. I swallowed the lump in my throat. This was now my mom’s house, not my parents’ house.
Sienna replied, On my way.
26
Sienna
My heart pounded as I pulled up to Evan’s parents’ house just before sunset. I was so damn confused after what had happened at the funeral. I had no idea what Evan and I were, but I wanted to be there for him.
My breath caught in my chest when I remembered the way it felt when Evan slid into me in the rain. We weren’t just fucking. It was like he was pouring his grief into me, and I wanted his pain. I would hold it all for him to see him smile.
I climbed out of my car and headed up to the front door. Tears burned the corners of my eyes as I pictured Evan and his dad hunched over the old Camaro engine like they were almost every time Ava and I came to hang out.
When I reached the door, I noticed that an Independence Day wreath still hung there, even though it was almost Halloween. July was when life froze for the Cox family. I took a deep breath and knocked.
Evan pulled open the door with red-rimmed eyes. He didn’t speak but stepped back to let me in. The house was dark and quiet. The air felt both heavy and fragile, and I didn’t know if I should talk, hug him, or just stand there in the entryway.
Evan watched me with his clear blue eyes full of so much pain. I needed to hold him. I couldn’t stop myself. I stepped forward and gently wrapped my arms around his neck. “Hey,” I whispered.
“Hey,” he whispered back and wrapped his arms around my waist.
I pulled away from our embrace before it could turn into anything more. “Where’s your family?” I asked.
Evan sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “My mom is upstairs. She doesn’t leave Charlie’s bed very often. Charlie just took off. I think she’s cracking. Bea’s with her daughter.” Evan stared down at the carpet. “Let’s go out back.”
I nodded and followed him through the dark house. The kitchen island was littered with stacks of unopened mail and rolls of bandages, ice packs, packaged syringes — evidence of the sickness that took Evan’s father. My heart ached for him. Empty take out boxes covered the table. A fresh, unopened pizza box sat in the center.
Evan pulled open the sliding glass door and stepped out onto the porch. The backyard was an overgrown mess. Evan sank onto the steps and said, “I let this yard get so bad. I should have been on top of things. I should have been more helpful. I’m going to clean it up tomorrow.”
I could have said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself! Your whole family was going through hell!” But instead, I nodded and said, “I’ll come and help you. What time are you starting?”
Evan turned to gaze at me with something indiscernible in his eyes. “I’ll probably start around ten.”
“Okay. I’ll be here.”
We sat in silence for a moment, watching dusk fall and listening to the crickets chirp. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable. It was fitting. Finally, Evan let out a deep breath. “I need to make sure my mom eats. I’ll be right back.” He stood and walked back into the house.
I sat on the porch alone for a moment before heading back inside, too. Evan was already upstairs with his mom. My eyes traveled over the messy kitchen, and I so badly wanted to help. I dug around until I found empty trash bags under the sink, and then I got to work cleaning up all of the take out boxes. Then I threw away all the money mailers, ads, and other junk mail and stacked anything that looked mildly important into a neat pile.
I turned to the sink next and started washing the pile of dirty dishes. I didn’t hear Evan come back downstairs, but it didn’t startle me when he wrapped his arms around me from behind and kissed the top of my head. It felt so perfectly natural, and after he released me, he seamlessly moved to my side and started drying the dishes I’d washed.
We didn’t talk about “us.” We actually didn’t talk at all. We moved quietly through the house, cleaning up little messes together.
Charlie burst through the front door as I vacuumed the living room. Her light brown hai
r was disheveled, and her eyes red and swollen. She shocked me and threw her arms around my neck.
I turned off the vacuum and hugged her back. “Hey, Charlie.” I smiled. “It’s been a while.”
Charlie didn’t speak. She released me and walked into the kitchen. I glanced over at Evan, who was dusting the blinds, and raised my eyebrows in a question. He shrugged.
A minute later, Charlie was back with a bag of potato chips. She sank onto the couch and turned on the TV. “Have a seat, kids,” she said to Evan and me. “We’re watching the Harvest Festival episode and eating chips while you two pretend you’re not in love. It’ll be just like old times.”
“Charlie…” Evan sighed.
“Sit down!” Charlie snapped and turned on Parks and Rec.
Evan and I obeyed.
“See?” Charlie said. “Just like old times.”
After the second episode, our smiles were almost real. After the third, Evan laced his fingers through mine.
Charlie leaned over and looked at our hands clasped together. Then she let out a huge exaggerated sigh. “Thank God!” She gave Evan a pointed look and said, “I knew she’d forgive you.”
When it was almost midnight, Charlie stood and announced. “I’m going to bed.”
After she stalked up the stairs, Evan turned to me. “Thank you for coming tonight. I’m…” He gazed into my eyes. “I’m sorry for everything, Sienna.”
“Don’t.” I shook my head. “You don’t need to apologize. And, and you don’t have to be anything to me right now that you’re not ready to be. I’m here for you, and I’ll always be here for you in any way you need.”
Evan gave me a sad half-smile. “So, I can use your body?”
I blinked in surprise but nodded. That wasn’t really what I wanted to hear, but hell, I meant what I said. I’d be anything he needed.
Evan’s smile grew a little bigger. “I’m not going to do that. And that’s not what I was doing after the funeral either, in case you were wondering.”
I waited for an explanation, but he didn’t elaborate. Evan shrugged and said, “Well, I guess I am going to use your body tomorrow morning, but just these.” He smiled and gave my arms a light squeeze. “I need that muscle to get the backyard cleaned up.”
