Flying Free

by Abigail Davies

  Warmth spreads through me, sending tingles all the way to the tips of my fingers. I can picture his brown eyes perfectly in my head, how they’re surrounded with a ring of lighter color.

  There’s always a hardness to them but I see the way they change when he looks at me. The coldness that’s always there warms and mixes in with a little sympathy.

  “Birdie?” It’s closer now, so close that I shiver, it’s almost as if he’s right next to me. “I know you can hear me.” He chuckles as butterflies swarm in my stomach, taking flight so fast that it knocks me sideways and my eyes spring open.

  “Corey?” I gasp when I see him stood over me, his lips turning into a grin, showing me that dimple that I’m sure all the girls go crazy over.

  “Hey,” he says, sitting down next to me.

  I look around and all I can see are trees with the sun setting above them in the distance. Turning my head, I notice his truck, only it’s not how I remember his truck, this one almost reminds me of-

  “I’ve been waiting for you to open your eyes.”

  “You have?” I whisper, looking down at the blanket that’s set on the grass. Using my elbows, I push up and sit in front of him. “How long have I been asleep?”

  He looks down at his wrist and frowns at the time on his watch. “Hmmm... a little over two hours.”

  “Two hours?” I ask, panicked, jumping up off the floor and spinning around as the sky gets dark really fast. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

  I feel his hands come around my waist and his chin rests on my shoulder as he says in my ear, “You looked tired, I didn’t want to disturb you.”

  I let out a breath and lean back against his chest, soaking in the warmth that his body brings against the sudden chill in the air.

  “You should have woken me.”

  “I just couldn’t, you looked so cute.” I feel the shrug of his shoulders and smile wider, closing my eyes and basking in the feel of his arms around me.

  We stand there like that for so long. I’ve never felt so at peace. He has this immediate effect on my body and my mind that feels otherworldly.

  “You know...” I say, turning in his arms and opening my eyes about to tell him the effect he has on me.

  I open my mouth to scream when I don’t see the beautiful brown eyes staring back at me but instead the black soulless ones that have plagued my nightmares ever since that day. His meaty hand slams over my mouth and I try to shake my head, not understanding what’s going on.

  “Ava!” I manage to turn my head slightly at the sound of Corey’s voice. I don’t see anything but a bird squawking in a nearby tree, his eyes not leaving mine.

  “Now, now, my little butterfly,” his gravely voice grounds out as he trails a finger over my collar bone.

  Goosebumps break out on my skin and I can’t stop the sob that comes up and out of my mouth.

  His hand travels down my body and I fight to break out of his hold, still hearing Corey’s voice in the distance.

  I shoot up in bed, whipping my head all around me and making sure no one is here. My skin is sticky from all the sweat and my comforter sits on the floor in a heaped mess from all the thrashing about I must have done in my sleep.

  The sun is starting to peak through my blinds and I let my head drop back down onto my pillow, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

  It was just a dream.

  Corey.

  I haven’t seen him in so long.

  He’s the one person who I can talk to about everything, well, when he was still here I could. He knows more than anyone else about what I went through that day and more importantly he understood.

  When I first came out of that hellhole, he would sit with me all night as I lay staring at a wall, not being able to imagine anything but what that man did to me, and when I was ready to talk about it he was the one I turned to.

  No one else, just him.

  I relied on him and then... he left. He promised he would keep in touch even if it wasn’t often but still to this day I haven’t heard anything from him.

  I don’t know whether to be thankful that he didn’t have to witness what I went through or angry that he hasn’t kept his promise and got in touch with me.

  I know his job makes it hard but when I know he’s been talking to Kay, his sister, then I know he could have contacted me too.

  In some ways, I think it’s better. It’s a target for me to work towards, for me to get better and be me again when I see him next.

  Closing my eyes, I imagine the way his lips curl when he grins and the way his eyes crinkle at the corners.

  Just thinking about him now brings me a sense of calm and peace, and for now it’s enough to get the image of the black eyed monster out of my head.

  Monday morning comes around again, only this time, I walk through the campus with purpose, knowing that I have to tackle this head on.

  I’ve spent the whole weekend putting a plan in place, setting myself mini goals on post-it notes and sticking them all over my bedroom walls. I read that waking up and seeing them as soon as I open my eyes helps, so that’s what I’ve done. There isn’t a bare wall in my bedroom now.

  Armed with a list of books to get out at the library, I’m determined to not be this girl anymore, seeing Corey in my dream has done something to me. It’s made me wake up and realize that there’s only me who can make the changes that I need to.

  When I finally do see Corey again, I want him to see me differently, not as the broken girl he left behind but the new and improved Ava, the one who can walk into a room and not have to plan where she sits, the one who can talk to a man without freaking out. The one who can hold her head high and walk through a crowd of people without having to wear headphones.

  Standing outside the room with the new lecturer in my line of sight I take a deep breath, count to three and step inside. Keeping my head down I walk to my normal seat. Baby steps.

  Just because I’m tackling this head on, doesn’t mean I’ll look him in the eyes. Coming back to this class was a big achievement in itself and when I place my bag down and sit on the chair, I smile to myself.

  Pulling my pen and notebook out, I finally look up to find his eyes planted on me, I keep eye contact with him for three seconds before I avert my eyes and look away, tapping my pen three times on top of my notebook.

  Taking another deep breath, I wait patiently for the room to fill and then for him to start talking.

  If I just concentrate on writing all the notes and pretending that his voice isn’t so deep and well, male, then everything will be fine.

  I duck my head and watch my hand fly over the paper as I write every single thing down that he says, trying to ignore all the whispers around me. I can feel my ears start to burn and I shift in my seat knowing that someone is staring at me.

  Having Jess in this class makes me feel a little more secure but because she sits at the back with Scott and his teammates there’s no way she can hear what’s being said. I can though and I try not to let it get to me, instead I just concentrate on writing my notes down.

  Ignoring the first time someone calls my name is easy but when it’s repeated again and again, louder each time, it gets my attention.

  Gritting my teeth, I turn around and squint my eyes at the person who is calling me.

  Raising my brow at the football jock, I silently ask him what he wants. He puts one of his fingers on either side of his mouth and pushes his tongue between them wiggling it about and closing his eyes, making moaning noises as all of his friends laugh at him.

  At me.

  “Pig.” I shake my head and turn back around to face the front.

  My eyes clash with the lecturer’s again; I can’t even remember what his name is.

  He frowns, looking from me and then to the pig of a football player and walks a few steps up towards us. “If you’re going to make gestures of that nature in my lecture, then you can leave and not come back,” he says, keeping his eyes on the football play
er for a beat and then looking around the room full of students.

  He offers me a slight smile when his eyes move to me before walking back down to the front of the room.

  My cheeks heat with embarrassment when I realize that he witnessed the whole thing so I duck my head again and scribble down the last of what he says before he dismisses everyone.

  I wait for the majority of the students to leave before I pack my bag and stand up.

  “Miss Johnson?” The lecturer asks when I’m half way down the stairs. I freeze on the spot, not expecting to be called on. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”

  “Erm...” My eyes flit around the room that’s emptying out and my hands start to shake at the prospect of being in a room with him alone.

  “I’m just heading to the coffee shop, maybe we can walk and talk?” He asks giving me a reassuring smile, sensing my unease. He picks up his messenger bag, waving at the door for me to go through first.

  I let out a breath of relief and walk quickly to the door.

  Talking to him on my own still scares me but it’s what I’m trying to achieve, to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I used to be able to do.

  We both stay silent as we walk out of the building and down the steps. Keeping my head down, I get lost in my own thoughts and startle when he speaks.

  “I’m glad you decided to not drop my class,” he says, coming to a stop in the middle of the path. “Mrs. Gill said that you’re one of the best students in that class.”

  “I... I’m sorry?” I ask and shake my head. Why would he say that?

  “After you know... what happened...” His eyes go wide and he runs his hands through his dirty blond hair, clearly distressed.

  I frown, my heart beat speeding up. Does he know something?

  “I’m not sure I know what you mean...” I shake my head, still not knowing his name.

  “Thomas,” he says with a kind smile.

  “Thomas... I’m really not sure what you mean. Why would I drop the class?” I ask, my eyes wandering around us. I hate that I can’t maintain eye contact with him.

  “Well, Anita said that you don’t like to be touched and after touching your arm to stop you leaving...” He scuffs his shoes on the floor, looking down and then back up to me.

  I stare with wide eyes, my mouth opening and closing, not a sound coming out.

  I can’t believe she discussed me with him. Our sessions are confidential, she shouldn’t be talking about me to anyone, never mind the person who our last session was about.

  Spinning on my heels, I adjust my bag on my shoulder, holding my head high and trying to stay calm.

  “Ava?” Thomas calls after me.

  I ignore him and walk as fast as I can across the campus, heading straight for the Medical Center to confront her.

  This is the last straw, she may think that she’s helping by telling him that I don’t like to be touched, but all she’s doing is making things worse. All of the trust that we’ve been building since I started college has just come crashing down and there’s no way it’ll ever come back.

  Walking straight past the lady at the front desk, I go towards Anita’s office and pull the door open.

  She looks up from her desk, her eyes going wide when she sees who’s just barged into her office unannounced. “You had no right,” I grit out, barely able to get my words out because I’m so angry. “How dare you.”

  “Ava-” I hold my hand up in the air as she starts to stand, trying to explain herself but she can’t, there’s no way she can.

  “Don’t bother,” I sneer. “I’ve made zero progress coming and seeing you. I’ll do it on my own, I don’t need to talk to a shrink.” She opens her mouth to say something but I don’t stay around to listen. With shaking hands, I step out of her room and out of the building. My anger fueling me the whole way back to the apartment.

  It isn’t until I step through the door to my apartment that I realize I haven’t worn my headphones since leaving the lecture.

  I smile to myself, another thing I’ve tackled today.

  Walking out of class on Friday, I listen to everyone talk about their plans for the weekend. I’ve been opened up to a whole new world now that I don’t wear my headphones and I can actually hear what people are saying.

  Nobody is interested in talking to me and I quite enjoy listening to the conversations around me.

  This time, I find myself being led with the group of people leaving the building, not being able to get out from the middle of the crowd. My chest starts rising and falling at the thought of not being able to get away, being trapped.

  I clench my fists tight and count in my head, trying my best to stay calm.

  I can do this.

  Seeing the doors just ahead, I tell myself over and over that I’ll be fine, once I’m out of those doors, everything will go back too normal.

  The crowd seems to slow down as we get nearer the doors or that’s what it feels like, my breathing turns into pants and my head starts to spin. I know that if I don’t get out of those doors quick I won’t be able to stay standing.

  I have to get through this. For me. For my own sanity.

  I take in a huge lungful of air as I finally step out of the doors and veer off to the left, leaning against the wall and closing my eyes briefly. The smile on my face spreads into a giant grin for making it through the crowd without having a major freak out, that could have been so much worse.

  Since deciding to do this myself without help from anyone else, I’ve made so much progress. I don’t want to rely on anyone else, I want to be able to do this on my own.

  “Ava?”

  Bringing my head up, I look into Jess’ hazel eyes and see the concern they hold for me. She’s been my rock since I started college but she doesn’t need to be that anymore. I want to just be her friend and roommate and have a normal relationship like all the other girls on campus.

  “Hey, Jess,” I say, pushing up off the wall and linking my arm through hers as I start to guide us back to the apartment.

  She looks at me with a frown on her face. “You okay?”

  “Me?” I point at my chest. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  I smile at a girl walking by me, knowing her from the library and look over at Jess catching the slight smile on her face. Neither of us says it but we’re both thinking it; I’m changing, and for the better.

  “Do you want to come out tonight?” Jess asks out of habit, like she does every single Friday without fail. My answer is always an automatic no, I never even think about it but today I’ve avoided a panic attack and I feel strong.

  Stronger than I have in a really long time.

  “You know what?” We cross the road and come to a stop at the apartment building doors. “I think I will.” I nod and puff out my chest, pleased with myself.

  “You will?” She gasps, opening up the door and looking at me like I’ve grown two heads.

  “Yep,” I say, popping the p. “Where are we going?”

  “Erm... I’m not sure,” Jess stutters from behind me, clearly taken off guard by me agreeing to go. “I think we’re going to a pizza place and then the bar.”

  “Cool.” I reply, trying to keep a calm facade when inside my nerves are going haywire. I’m playing it off, being my own kind of strong, but my heart is hammering in my chest and my palms are sweating.

  I’ve committed to it now and one of the books I got out of the library said that the hardest thing is making the decision. Once you’ve made the decision, you’re more likely to go through with the action. It’s easy making the decision, it’s going through with it that I’m worried about.

  I really need to read the next part of the book because I only got as far as the decision part.

  “You good on the clothes front?” Jess asks, lifting a brow at me as I unlock the apartment door and look back at her.

  Frowning, I try to see what she’s trying to tell me without actually talking. Her eyes hold that gleam that makes me nerv
ous. “Jess...”

  “Ava...” She smiles sweetly but she doesn’t fool me. “I’ll choose your clothes,” she says so fast that it takes me a second to realize what she’s said. “Can you do my makeup?” she calls back to me just before she goes into my room.

  “Sure.” I shrug, that’s one thing that I’m used to; she always has me do her makeup when she goes out.

  I follow her into my room and watch as she goes straight to my closet and pulls out a cropped black vest top and a pair of high waisted jeans that have several holes in them.

  They aren’t even the fashionable ones that you buy, these are homemade and not the kind where you cut them yourself. More like the kind that you get after jumping over a fence and ripping them as the cops are chasing you with your dads next hit in your pocket.

  I shake the thoughts from my head as soon as they come because thinking back to that time is only going to set me back and ruin my mood.

  “Okay, sorted.” Jess whistles in appreciation at where she’s laid the clothes on my bed and then sits on the chair next to my desk, waiting for me to do her makeup.

  “Are you serious?” I ask, my eyes wide. “I can’t wear that.” I point at the clothes on the bed and turn to her.

  “Sure you can.” She smiles. “You won’t show any skin; the jeans are high enough to not show any.” She grins at me, teeth and all, and then points to her face. “You gonna make my face look amazing or what?”

  Raising an eyebrow, I smirk.

  I know how much she hates a full face of makeup, she only ever wants a little foundation and some mascara. I’ll be getting her back for making me wear those clothes.

  Pulling my makeup trunk open I look inside, deciding on what to use.

  This is going to be fun.

  Two hours later we’re both ready, Jess with a full face of makeup and me in the outfit she chose. She’d tried to get me to wear the shoes she had picked out too but I wasn’t budging on that.

  Shoving my feet into a pair of boots I huff at the face she pulls.

  For hours, she kept me busy but now as I head to the apartment door to leave my nerves hit me full force. Stopping in the doorway, I hold my hand up trying to tell her to give me a minute.