Just Like That

by Karin Kallmaker

  “Then I don’t care if the rest of her is made of stone. Grab on with both hands and see where it goes.”

  Undressing for bed, Syrah tried to hear Jane’s advice louder than those compelling phrases in that damned e-mail. Neither could drown out the way she felt, stretched out in bed, replaying the feel of Toni’s body against hers.

  Chapter 10

  The growers’ trade show restored some sense of normalcy to Syrah’s battered sensibilities. Chemical suppliers vied for their attention, along with wine distributors and manufacturers of glass bottles. Syrah loved talking about their vines and soil to anyone who would listen. Their bottle manufacturer took them and other clients out to a lavish lunch near Sausalito and by the end of the afternoon, Syrah could even think about Toni without flinching. Toni was a problem-solver. Maybe Toni could figure out how to make everything work.

  It was after dark when they arrived at the house. A quick look said the tasting room had been locked up by Chino’s wife, who had done the honors for the day. Only when they drove around back did she see Jane’s truck, and there was Jane weeping on the porch.

  Her father wisely left them alone and Syrah, her stomach in her shoes, sat down next to Jane.

  “What happened, sweetie?”

  Jane gave a little moan and buried her face in Syrah’s shoulder. “She’s leaving. Going back to San Francisco. For a long time. Didn’t say if she’d ever come back here.”

  “What? But she loves it here.”

  “No, no, she doesn’t. She said…” Jane took a long shuddering breath. “Said her business wasn’t going to wrap up like she thought and commuting for at least another year from here wouldn’t work. We didn’t even make it to dinner. She told me when she got in the truck. Got out again and went inside. And didn’t look back.”

  Syrah felt hot, as hot as Jane’s tears soaking through her shirt. “I don’t understand.”

  “I followed her and rang the bell and Caroline told me—told me that I should read between the lines and Missy needed a change of scene already, and they had no plans to return.”

  “Bitch.”

  Jane’s tears began anew and Syrah held her tight, shushing the expressions of blame.

  “This isn’t your fault. I don’t think it’s you. I really thought she cared, but maybe she can’t care about anyone but herself. You don’t deserve this, Jane.”

  “I let myself believe her eyes.”

  I know, Syrah wanted to say. I know exactly what you mean.

  Eventually, she cuddled Jane in bed, holding her close and talking, dozing, shushing her throughout the night. She wanted them all to go away now, she told herself vehemently. They had upset her world from top to bottom and she wanted them all gone, permanently.

  It was a lie, but bravely put forth, and as she drifted off near dawn, Syrah almost believed it.

  Jane and she woke to a clatter from the kitchen.

  “I feel only slightly better than I did last Sunday,” Syrah mumbled. She looked at the clock and was both apprehensive and pleased to know she would see Toni in just another hour.

  “I don’t want to go home,” Jane said. “Can I stay here?”

  “Sure. Want some coffee?”

  “No. I just want…to drift for now.”

  Syrah showered and picked out her favorite jeans and a thin-strapped tank top fit for a picnic. The day was already turning warm.

  She was most of the way down the stairs when Bennett leaned in from the kitchen. “There’s someone here to see you.”

  Her heart leapt for a moment, treacherously, but she knew if it was Toni, Bennett would have said so. And her heart had no business reacting that way, even if it was Toni. She was in no clear frame of mind yet and wasn’t about to let her silly heart decide anything for her.

  She wasn’t expecting to see Caroline Bingley standing on the porch.

  Her tone exceedingly curt, Syrah said, “Can I help you?”

  “Syrah, dear, I just wanted you to know how sorry I am about Missy and Jane. I know Jane is your best friend, and nobody expected things to turn out this way.”

  Syrah bit her tongue to keep from offering a choice observation or two about Caroline’s fickle sister. “Jane is devastated, if you must know.”

  “Really? Well, I’m sure she’ll find comfort quickly.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I hope we don’t fight about this, Syrah. Missy and Jane don’t have the same…values.”

  “You mean incomes.”

  “That, too, but that’s really not what Toni and I were trying to get into Missy’s head all day yesterday.”

  With a descending feeling of numbness, Syrah echoed, “Toni?”

  Caroline’s nod was forlorn. “Jane is a free spirit, and a lovely woman, but Missy needs someone who will stabilize her.”

  “I thought they were doing a fine job figuring out how to balance themselves.” Toni had been part of Missy’s decision?

  “Until Jane’s affections changed. Missy is a swan and Jane is more of a hummingbird, isn’t she?”

  Syrah gaped at Caroline. “Jane is the kindest, gentlest woman I know, and she’s also the most trustworthy and thoughtful. There is nothing flighty about her.”

  Caroline sighed sadly. “As I said, she’s a lovely woman, just not right for Missy.”

  “And you and Toni decided this?”

  “It was Missy’s decision in the end. I just didn’t want it to ruin our friendship, Syrah.”

  Through stiff lips, Syrah managed to say, “I have work I need to get done.”

  “Of course,” Caroline said immediately. “And you have a date, don’t you? Toni was very cute this morning. She always is when she’s met someone new.”

  Syrah stopped just short of telling Caroline to get the hell off her porch. “Thank you for stopping by.”

  “Toodles, then.” Caroline winked and took herself, her matching bag and pumps, designer-casual slacks and sweater set and her beautiful, manicured hands off the porch.

  It was all Syrah could do not to throw a flowerpot after her.

  She stormed down to the nearest fermentation barn, though she had no reason to be there. Hound wanted to play, but she sent him back to the house—she was in no mood for games. So Toni was “cute” when she met someone new, was she? Did her relationship with Caroline permit the occasional fling? Syrah had a hard time believing that Caroline shared anything she considered hers, and she was no cold fish, not given the bruises on Toni’s arm. What could Toni possibly want with her when she had the beautiful, accomplished Caroline Bingley to take care of her every need?

  Who the hell was Toni, anyway? Who was she to tell Missy that Jane was no good for her? Oh, Syrah had understood perfectly the hummingbird reference. So Jane had had plenty of fun with a lot of different women. What did that matter?

  She growled at the lock on the door and finally flung it open wide. Stomping inside she relieved her anger and tension by pummeling the nearest barrel with her fists. Finally, she slumped against it and muttered, “They’re not worth it. None of them.”

  She rested her forehead against the cool wood for a long while, willing herself to find some kind of calm. She didn’t know how she could face Toni, or what she would say.

  “Syrah?”

  Oh, shit, Syrah thought. She slowly turned around.

  “Bennett said you headed this direction. I know I’m early.”

  “You have a habit of that.”

  Toni stepped out of the sunlight and blinked uncertainly as she adjusted to the low light. Syrah found herself licking her lips as she noticed the way Toni’s jeans clung to her long, long legs. “Are you all right?”

  “No. I spent the night comforting Jane.”

  “I’m so sorry about all of that. I really am.”

  Syrah only looked at her, unable to formulate a coherent question out of her anger.

  “I know she’s your best friend.”

  “Yes, she is. And I love her like a
sister.”

  “I don’t suppose we could talk about it and picnic at the same time?”

  “I don’t feel much like a picnic.”

  Toni seemed to take that in stride. “I do need to talk to you.”

  “I’m not sure talking is going to change a thing.”

  “I’d like to give it a try.” Toni’s voice was kind, gentle even, and all Syrah could recall was those damnable words from the e-mail: Don’t believe her lies. Don’t let her get too close. She is a master of manipulation.

  “You don’t have to say anything to me.” Go ahead, she wanted to snap. Go ahead, tell me how my friends and I aren’t good enough for you. At least Missy hadn’t fucked Jane before she came to that conclusion. Unlike you, Syrah wanted to snarl.

  “I know. I want to say it. I can’t help but say it.”

  Syrah finally looked at Toni and didn’t understand Toni’s expression at all. “What, then?”

  “I love you.”

  Syrah nearly laughed, the idea was so absurd. “How can that possibly be true?”

  “I don’t know.” Toni stepped closer. “I can’t get you out of my thoughts. I’ve never met anyone like you. I don’t know why, and I know I shouldn’t, but I love you and even though I tell myself it makes no sense, and I am behaving like a crazy woman, the truth is still there. I love you.”

  “Is this a ‘pity the country girl’ moment? What are you trying to tell me?”

  Toni frowned. “I didn’t think my declaration of love could be construed as anything but just that.”

  Syrah felt a fury take hold of her as all her fear and worry were sucked into an anger so intense her voice shook. “You stand there and you dare to tell me you love me? That even though it’s crazy, and you know you shouldn’t, you love me anyway? Against your better judgment? What kind of love is that?”

  Toni went pale. “I don’t think that’s what I said, or I’ve said it badly.”

  “That is exactly what you said. You know you shouldn’t love me. You’re crazy because you do. After what you did to Jane, you stand there and expect me to jump up and down because you haven’t got a friend to stop you from making a fool out of yourself over someone like me?”

  “Jane and you are completely different women.”

  “In what way? How do you know I haven’t had a string of lovers? How do I know that about you, either! What does it matter how many women she’s been to bed with as long as Missy is the last?”

  “I don’t think Missy would be the last. I don’t believe Jane’s regard for Missy goes past her checkbook.”

  Syrah faltered for a moment, remembering Jane’s pronouncement at the pond. She had said she was hankering to settle down, even said the new woman at Netherfield sounded rich and ready. But that had all evaporated the moment she’d looked at Missy, even before she knew who Missy was. Jane had never been that way with anyone.

  “I don’t think I’m wrong,” Toni said firmly. “And whatever I told Missy or advised her to do I did out of friendship and love for her. I could never do less.”

  “That’s how you define honor? Are you saying you never lie?”

  “I try not to.”

  “So if a bunch of workers in Georgia are told you’re going to save their jobs and they end up out of work, who lied?”

  Toni’s face went still. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Are you planning to take the Fifth with that Silicon Valley grand jury?”

  “That action was punitive and has been dismissed.”

  “Stupid me, I’m just a country girl with no cash flow.”

  “Syrah, I don’t know where you got—”

  “Everything is about money to you. Jane can’t love Missy because Missy has money.” Syrah felt as if fire was sparking from her fingertips. She had never been so angry in her life. “Maybe the truth is no one would love you if you weren’t rich.”

  Toni stepped back as if Syrah had struck her. “Don’t.”

  Syrah couldn’t stop, nor did she want to. “You can’t tell me that you’ve never used money as emotional brass knuckles.” The details of the e-mail boiled into her brain and she said slowly, clearly, “Is this where you use the family finances to control me? Is this when the poor helpless damsel falls at your feet and pretends she loves you? Is that how the script is supposed to run, because I am telling you right now, I could never love someone as arrogant and as unfeeling as you.”

  Toni’s eyes closed for just a moment, but when they opened again the dark gray was hard as flint. “You’ve made your feelings quite clear. I won’t bother you again.”

  Then she was gone.

  * * *

  Toni had thought she’d understood numbness after Mira, but she was appreciating the emotional state at new levels. Numb was good. Numb kept her hands on the wheel, the car on the road.

  She was so numb she could replay the scene with Syrah and not hurt. Something had gone horribly awry, but it didn’t matter what or why. Syrah had made her feelings very plain. So plain that there was no point is asking for further clarification. The merger was rejected and all the players were going home to write off the expenses of the proposal.

  Numb was working until Caroline found her shoving clothes into her suitcase. “Maybe I should come with you.”

  “I really need to be on my own for a while.”

  “I didn’t want to say anything, Toni, but you did just split with Mira and—”

  “Rebound, yes, it crossed my mind. Problem is I had to have been in love with Mira to be on the rebound, wouldn’t I?”

  “Weren’t you?”

  Toni clamped down hard and tried to get back to numb. Talking to Caroline was peeling away at her. “No. It’s abundantly clear that I was not in love with Mira.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I didn’t hurt like I do right now.” To her horror she felt tears start in her eyes. “I’ve never ever put my head down on the block for anybody.”

  Caroline rose swiftly and put her arms around Toni. “And she chopped it right off, didn’t she?”

  “Don’t, Cari.”

  “Let me help, Toni. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, to help you and be with you.”

  “Cari—” Toni was surprised by Caroline’s mouth on hers and she responded violently with a bruising kiss that rocked Caroline back on her heels. “Please don’t. I’m too angry. I’ll hurt you.”

  “I don’t care. I will take anything from you, don’t you get that? Take me to bed. Hurt me. I don’t care.”

  The feverish glitter in Caroline’s eyes stilled Toni’s heart for a moment. “I do. That you don’t scares me right now and I can’t deal with it.”

  “But last week you could fuck me.”

  Toni closed her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  “And the other night you fucked her.”

  “It didn’t get that far.” It was a half-truth, but the memory of Syrah’s body rising under hers stabbed behind her eyes like sharp needles.

  “Basically, Toni, you’re fucked up. Mira—”

  “This is not about Mira! Caroline, please, I need to go. I need to be on my own.”

  Caroline was breathing hard, her face sharp with either anger or arousal, or both, Toni couldn’t tell. Whatever it was, she knew that if Caroline touched her again they’d both get hurt. She looked down at her shaking hands and couldn’t believe she was even considering how she might take out how she felt on Caroline’s body. It was violent, it wasn’t her and she was not going across that line.

  “The answer is no, Cari. No.”

  Caroline flounced out of the room with “Just don’t fall for the stewardess, too.”

  Fifteen minutes later Toni tossed her bags into the rental car. Missy followed her forlornly.

  “How did it all go so bad so fast, T.B.?”

  “Women are unpredictable.”

  Missy sighed. “If a man said that we’d deck him.”

  “It’s still true.”

  �
��I thought we’d both…gotten lucky.”

  “Maybe you did. Maybe I was all wrong about Jane. Look at me—not exactly the expert on relationships here.” She felt her Blackberry buzz and glanced at the screen. The weekend on-call Admin Queen, Valerie, had sent three flight numbers out of San Francisco, one out of Oakland and the number of a helicopter charter service at the Napa airport.

  “At least you tried,” Missy said. “At least you gave it a shot. That’s more than I did before I broke it off.”

  “I told her I loved her and she was insulted.”

  “I just don’t believe it.” She ran her hands through her hair, destroying what was left of her curls. “Call me when you get in. Please. Promise me you’ll call.”

  “I will. I have to go, Missy. I can’t seem to stay still.” They crushed each other in a mammoth hug, both shaking a little. “We’re going to be okay.”

  * * *

  “A week,” Jane murmured. “How does life go from okay to completely screwed up in a week?”

  Syrah stretched out on the old blanket, hugging the ground. It was the only thing that felt real. “She loved you and just like that, she didn’t.”

  “She never said she loved me.”

  “But she did.” Syrah clenched the blanket with her hands. “I saw it. She did.”

  “How can you know for sure?”

  Because Toni looked at me that way before I killed it. “It was in her eyes, plain as day.”

  “Then why is she going away?” Jane wiped her eyes and Syrah could not say that it was because Jane had a past too recent for Missy’s comfort zone.

  “Maybe because she’s scared.”

  Jane turned her head to gaze woefully at Syrah. “Did she really say that she loved you even though she knew better?”

  Toni’s face was everywhere Syrah looked. “That’s nearly a direct quote. She said she was crazy. How was I supposed to take that? And she’d just convinced her best friend that my best friend wasn’t good enough for her. So how could I be good enough either?”

  “You’re worth two of her.”

  “So are you.” They shared a mutual sigh, Syrah certain neither of them believed it.