His Heart

by Claire Kingsley

  Something came together inside of me at the sight of her. That drive I’d always had. The determination. I felt it again, stronger than ever before. More intense than before any wrestling match—even before I’d faced Charlie at state. It coalesced into a razor-sharp point, and I made a decision. I was going all in. I knew exactly what I needed to do. And there was no turning back.

  39

  Brooke

  I sensed Sebastian before I saw him. It wasn’t the door. I was too far away to hear it, or feel the gust of cold air. But my heart fluttered and I looked up, knowing he was there.

  Tall and thick and strong. His presence sucked the air from my lungs and made my heart pound.

  He stalked toward me, his face all hard lines etched in stone. His brow was furrowed, his dark eyebrows drawn together. His mouth was set, his shoulders rigid. It wasn’t anger in his expression, although it could easily have been mistaken for it by someone who didn’t know him.

  Eyes followed him as he moved toward me. The bartender, in particular, had him in his sights.

  I closed my notebook and turned on the stool. “What are you doing here?”

  “Come with me,” he said.

  The focus in his eyes was startling. Their shifting colors seemed brighter than usual, even in the dim light of the bar.

  “Where?”

  His voice didn’t change. Urgent, but almost monotone. “Just come.”

  Something about the way he said it made him impossible to refuse. I dug in my little handbag and pulled out some money.

  “You okay, miss?” the bartender asked as I tossed the bill on the bar.

  “Yes,” I said with a nod, meeting his eyes. I knew what this looked like. Big, bearded, hulking man comes barreling into a bar, looking aggressive and scary. And he did. Even I felt a chill at the look on his face. But Sebastian was the last person in the world who would hurt me. “I’m good. I’m safe with him.”

  “You sure?” The bartender’s eyes flicked to Sebastian, then back to me.

  “Absolutely,” I said. “But thank you for asking.”

  “All right,” he said.

  I slid my notebook into my bag and got down off the stool. Before my feet were flat on the floor, Sebastian turned and walked away. He didn’t look back until he held the door open for me.

  Still without saying a word, he walked to his car. I got in the passenger’s seat and fastened my seat belt.

  “Where are we going?”

  He didn’t answer.

  We drove outside the city. His body was tense, his hands tight fists on the steering wheel. My nervousness grew as the lights of civilization faded behind us. Where was he taking me? And why?

  He turned down a bumpy road. It was dark, so I couldn’t see much of the scenery. We followed the street as it wound around and finally came to an end. From there, he turned again and kept driving. Now I really didn’t know where we were. Not on a road. A twinge of fear ran through me. I didn’t understand what was going on.

  The headlights lit the way, but ahead of us all I could see was black. It was as if the ground simply stopped. He kept driving, the black chasm drawing closer. When we’d almost reached it, he stopped the car.

  He put it in park and left the engine running. “Get out.”

  “What?”

  He opened his door. “Get out and trade places with me.”

  Bewildered, I got out and walked around the back. He stalked past me without saying another word, and got in the passenger’s side.

  Glancing around, I realized where we must be. It looked like a quarry. And we were parked on the edge of a tall cliff.

  I got in the driver’s side and shut the door.

  “Sebastian, what’s going on?” I asked. “You’re scaring me.”

  He shifted in his seat and looked at me. It was hard not to flinch under the heat of his gaze. “I’m not trying to scare you.”

  “Okay,” I said. “Then what are we doing out here?”

  “Do you remember the first time we met?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Something happened that day. I can’t explain how I knew who you were. I’d never seen you before. I had no idea what you looked like. But I knew you.” He put his hand on his chest. “This heart knew you. I don’t know how that’s possible, but it’s true. It’s why I approached you. Why I insisted you take my phone number. There was a connection between us, from that first moment.”

  “I know.”

  “But that’s not why I fell in love with you. I fell for you because of who you are, not because of what’s in here.” He tapped his chest again. “I fell in love with your spirit, even when it was hidden by sadness. I fell in love with your sense of humor and that spark of adventure you let out sometimes. With your body and the way it fit together perfectly with mine. I fell in love with the way you made me feel alive again.”

  He paused and looked down for a second. “Loving you is both the easiest and the hardest thing I’ve ever done. At first, I thought the fact that my heart had been his would be too much. That maybe you’d been too hurt to love someone again—especially me. But that wasn’t the case, and for a while there, god it was fucking good. We were amazing together, Brooke.”

  I nodded.

  “I recognized something in your eyes,” he said. “I saw it when we met, and I see it now. It’s the same look I had when I was waiting for a new heart. I wasn’t really waiting for a transplant. I was waiting to die. And I know you’ve been through hell. But goddammit, you don’t have to keep living in it. Because you’re alive. You didn’t die.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you?” he asked. “Because I’m not sure.”

  He was right. I wasn’t entirely sure either.

  “You know what the craziest thing about this whole situation is? You reminded me how to live again. The girl who can’t seem to decide if she’s going to live or die is the one who showed me what living is. Jesus, Brooke, don’t you realize that? I wasn’t living before. I was existing. I kept trying to play it safe. But I don’t want safe. I want passion. I want to take risks. I want to push boundaries and try shit I’ve never done and go places I’ve never been. You brought that out in me.”

  Tears burned my eyes, but I didn’t know what to say.

  “I’ve tried everything,” he said. “I tried to help you. I tried to love you. I even tried to live without you, and that’s been a fucking nightmare. But through all of it, I realized something. I can’t fix you. I can’t make you want to live. That has to come from you.”

  He looked out the windshield and took a deep breath. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep trying to drag you through your own life, hoping you’ll wake up and start living it. I can’t save you, Brooke. You have to save yourself.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I can’t be your hero,” he said. “Because you don’t need one. No one has the power to do this for you. I can be here to support you and love you, but ultimately, none of that is enough if you don’t choose to live.”

  I nodded and looked down at my hands. I knew he was right about that, too.

  “But here’s the thing,” he said. “I love you, and I’ve told you before, I don’t take that lightly. But I can’t go on like this. It hurts too goddamn much. I also know I can’t live without you. It’s like there’s something inside of me that’s intertwined with you. Living without you isn’t an option.”

  He paused and I looked up. I’d never been afraid of him, but I was now. Afraid of the truth—and the unwavering resolve in his eyes.

  “You need to decide, right now,” he said. “Are you going to live, or are you going to die? And whatever you decide, I’m going with you.”

  “What?”

  “If you don’t want to live—if you just can’t do it—put the car in drive and stomp on the gas. Get it over with.”

  I looked in horror out the windshield. We were only feet from the cliff. It wouldn’t take more than a few seconds
to reach it. We’d drive right over, and—

  “But if you do want to live—and I mean really live, Brooke. No more self-destructive, reckless bullshit. No more checking out and pushing everyone away. If you want to live your life, put it in reverse. Pull back. We’ll switch seats and I’ll drive us home. But you have to make the choice, right now. And whatever you decide is for both of us. If you’re going over the cliff, I’m fucking going with you. Because I know, in the deepest place in my soul, that I can’t live without you. I love you, and I don’t know how to do anything half-assed. It’s the way I’m built. I go all in, or I don’t go at all. So if you want to live, with me, put the car in reverse. But if you don’t, gun this fucker and we’ll go out together.”

  I stared at him, my lips parted. It felt as if my heart had stopped. He wasn’t bluffing. He hadn’t brought me out here to scare me into making the choice to live. For all he knew, I’d put the car in drive and kill us both. And he was completely willing to risk it.

  He sat motionless. Silent. Giving me time.

  He was right. I kept wavering back and forth, between living and fading away. In the process, I’d hurt people I loved. Hurt him.

  And I did love him. God, I loved him so much he consumed my soul. I’d loved Liam like a child. It had been simple, and pure. But Sebastian. Our love was like fire. Like a lightning storm. Full of energy and chaos and passion.

  He’d taken the shattered pieces of me and tried so hard to hold them together. But he didn’t have that power. He could fit them back into place, but they’d only fall apart again, unless I decided to glue them back together.

  I had to decide.

  Was I nothing but a ghost? An echo of a girl who’d once loved a boy? A copy of a woman who’d hurt her own child?

  Decide. The word hummed in my mind, repeating over and over in Sebastian’s deep voice. It reverberated through my chest—made my fingers twitch.

  I grabbed my notebook from my bag. Sebastian didn’t say anything. He kept his eyes focused on me while I opened it and thumbed through the pages. Decide.

  There it was, written in blue ink. I didn’t know where it had come from, because the words didn’t seem like mine. But I’d written them down while sitting at the bar, a glass of whiskey I never meant to drink nearby. A reminder of who I could be, and the choice I was making to be someone else.

  The choice is yours, Brooke. Yours, and no one else’s. You get to decide who you are. That’s the beauty of it. The houses you lived in or the messes inside them don’t define you. Your mother doesn’t define you. Loss doesn’t define you. What matters are the decisions you make. You can’t control what happens to you. And sometimes that means pain and suffering. Grief and loss. But the worst pain wouldn’t exist without the love that preceded it. And isn’t that love worth something? In fact, isn’t that love worth everything? But you can’t love if you’re not living. So you’re going to have to decide.

  I took a trembling breath and put the notebook down. Grabbed the steering wheel with both hands. Pressed my foot down on the brake as hard as I could. And put the car in reverse.

  Sebastian didn’t crumple with relief as I backed us away from the edge. He watched me, his eyes still burning with the same intensity. I stopped and put the car back in park.

  “You’re sure?” he asked.

  I nodded, trying not to cry. Feeling the deluge of emotion as it bubbled up my throat. “Yes. I’m sure.”

  He grabbed the back of my head and pulled me to him. Our mouths connected and the relief that poured through me was staggering. He kissed me hard, holding my face against his.

  I climbed across the center console and into his lap, still kissing him. His lips on mine and his beard against my skin felt like fate. Like coming home. I straddled his large body and he wrapped his thick arms around me.

  “I love you,” I whispered into his mouth. “I love you and I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve you.”

  He pulled away and looked deep into my eyes, brushing the hair back from my face. “Maybe love doesn’t have to work like that. It’s not a game. Someone doesn’t have to lose for you to win. I love you because you’re my heart. You’re my life. And if I choose that—if I choose to love you and be the man you need—we both win. Love wins.”

  I nodded. “Sebastian, I know I have so much work to do. But I’ll do it. I swear.”

  “Don’t do it just for me,” he said. “Do it for you.”

  I kissed him again. Stroked his beard. “For me. For you. For us.”

  He smiled, then, and much like the first time we met, it took the edge off his intensity. Sparks raced through my veins and the emptiness in my chest filled—filled with his love. His light. His life.

  Something inside me had known, when I’d met Sebastian, that my life would never be the same. But I’d never have guessed how true that could be. In him, I’d found my future. My home. My life. And I was never letting it go.

  I’d make that choice, every day. The choice to love, and to live. For me, for him, for us.

  40

  Sebastian

  Brooke came out of the building and her eyes lit up when she saw me. Her loose yellow dress fluttered in the summer breeze and her bracelets sparkled in the sun. She brushed her hair out of her face and adjusted the strap of her handbag as she walked toward where I was parked.

  God, that woman was sexy as fuck. Curves and long legs. Soft skin. I couldn’t wait to get her home.

  Our home. I’d moved out of the house Charlie and I had shared for so long, and into Brooke’s place. Olivia and Charlie had wanted to make their living arrangement permanent, so it made sense for me to move out. But even if they hadn’t, I would have moved in with Brooke. We were starting a new life together. Going all in.

  We’d be in Iowa City for another year, and then off to a new adventure in Virginia. I’d been accepted to two of the three schools I’d applied to. I chose Virginia Tech. It seemed like the best fit for me. And neither of us had ever been there. That made it even more perfect. A new part of the country to explore. New things to experience. It was going to be strange, not living in Iowa. But for me, home wasn’t a place. It was a person.

  She stopped on the sidewalk to answer her phone. Smiling again, she held up a finger, letting me know she needed a minute. I waved. Take your time, baby.

  Brooke was going back to school too. She’d been accepted to the University of Colorado’s online program to finish her English degree. Since she’d failed some classes at Arizona State after Liam had died, she’d had to jump through extra hoops to get accepted. She’d written the admissions department a long letter—a letter that had turned into something much more—telling her story.

  Not only had she been accepted, they’d directed her toward several scholarships and encouraged her to submit her writing to various publications. She hadn’t submitted anything yet, but I’d been encouraging her. What she’d written was so poignant. Her words were heartfelt and beautiful, even when they described some of her darkest moments.

  She’d been expanding on it, weaving my story in with hers, a chronicle of the journeys we had taken. Highlighting the moments that had brought us to where we were. The tragedies that had brought us together.

  My phone rang. Charlie.

  “Hey bro,” I said. “What’s up?”

  “Dude, talk me down,” he said. “I’m freaking the fuck out right now.”

  “Why, what’s going on?”

  He took a deep breath. “I’m doing it. I’m asking her.”

  “Are you serious?” I asked. “You’re proposing tonight?”

  “No, not tonight,” he said. “Like, now. Or when she comes in.”

  “If it’s now, why the hell are you calling me?” I asked. “You’re not having second thoughts, are you?”

  “Fuck no,” he said. “I’m gonna marry the shit out of that girl. No, I think I screwed it up already.”

  “How?”

  “I wanted this to be a big surprise,”
he said. “And I’ve been trying to throw her off so she wouldn’t guess. The problem is, I think I did too good of a job, and now she’s mad at me. She’s sitting in the driveway in her car, talking on the phone. She looks pissed.”

  I glanced up at Brooke. She was nodding her head slowly, then said something. It looked like everything will be fine.

  “Yeah, I think she’s talking to Brooke,” I said. “Listen, calm down. Focus. Stick to the plan. You’ll be fine.”

  “God, I’m so nervous,” he said. “I don’t think I was this nervous before I had to wrestle you at state.”

  That was funny to hear. We didn’t talk about stuff like that very often. Guy thing—we didn’t want to admit to it. But I knew how he felt. I’d been nervous to face him too. Plus, I had a surprise in the works for Brooke that was making me nervous. It was hard to keep her from finding out.

  “Remember, it’s not nerves,” I said. “It’s excitement.”

  “Right, excitement. Oh shit, she’s coming. I gotta go.”

  Brooke put her phone in her bag and walked out to my car.

  “Hey,” she said when she got in the passenger’s side. “Sorry. It was Olivia. I missed her call earlier so I wanted to take it.”

  “No problem. What’s up with O?”

  She rolled her eyes. “She’s just being Olivia. She’s freaking out because she thinks Charlie has been acting weird. I told her Charlie is always weird, but that didn’t help.”

  I laughed. “She doesn’t have anything to worry about.”

  “Why? Did you talk to him or something?”

  “Yeah. I’m probably not supposed to tell you this, but he’s proposing.”

  “Oh my god.” She covered her mouth with her hand and stared at me, wide-eyed. “Really? When?”

  “Now,” I said. “She was sitting in the driveway talking to you and he was waiting for her inside.”

  “That is so freaking funny,” she said. “Olivia was pissed because Charlie asked her to go run some errands earlier. And she didn’t want to, or something, and they got in a fight about it. She didn’t understand why he wanted her out of the house so badly.”