Wanted: Undead or Alive las-12

by Kerrelyn Sparks

  Phineas gave him a wry look.

  Freemont grimaced. “Sorry, I forgot. Sheesh. How do you shave in the morning?”

  “Once the sun comes up, I don’t do anything.”

  “Damn.” Freemont handed him a black silk tie. “You gonna be able to put this on?”

  “I think so.”

  “You want some new shoes?”

  “No, the boots need to stay.” Phineas knotted the tie around his neck. “How much is this gonna set me back?”

  “It’s free, bro. Leroy is Lamont’s dad. You know, Lamont?”

  With a smile, Phineas nodded. Lamont was Freemont’s best friend from high school. When the two were together, the other kids called them the Full Monty. “I didn’t know his dad ran a tuxedo rental place.”

  “Oh, this is a lot more than tuxedos. Leroy’s House of Class has everything! Wedding dresses and fancy gowns. Costumes for everything from Renaissance fairs to pimp-and-ho parties. He’s even got hula skirts and tiki torches if you want to do a luau. He’s got canopies and tables and chairs and fancy tablecloths.” Freemont yanked his T-shirt over his head, then put on a gold silk shirt. “Lamont works here full-time, but they let me work part-time as much as I can.”

  “What do you do?”

  Freemont shucked his jeans and pulled on some black leather pants. “I do deliveries, help set up tables and chairs. I usually drive one of their limos on Saturday night, but there’s nothing happening tonight, so they didn’t need me. Which is good news, ’cause Leroy is letting us borrow a limo.”

  “That’s great. Thanks.” Phineas paused a moment while his brother put on some shiny black dress shoes. “I appreciate you working to help pay your tuition, but don’t overdo it. You need to keep your grades up.”

  Freemont rolled his eyes like he usually did when Phineas acted more like a father than a brother. But with nine years’ difference in their ages, it was something Phineas had trouble avoiding. He was the one who had run off their father, so he felt responsible for his younger siblings.

  Freemont shrugged on a purple velvet jacket trimmed with faux leopard fur, then plopped a leopard-skin fedora on his head. “Now I’ll look like your agent.”

  Phineas winced. “You look like a pimp.”

  “Pimp? Agent? What’s the difference?” Freemont flipped up his collar. “Show me the money!”

  “Freemont—”

  “I know what I’m doing, bro.” He grabbed a wooden walking stick with a gold knob on the end and twirled it through his fingers. “Should I ask Leroy to loan us a few party girls for the evening? You’ll look more like a celebrity with some pretty ladies on your arm.”

  “Party girls?” Phineas frowned, wondering if Leroy had a little business going on the side.

  “It’s legit, man. Sometimes people want a few pretty girls to tend bar and wait tables at their parties. The girls are under strict orders not to fraternize. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

  Phineas snorted. “Don’t worry about women. There’ll be plenty at DVN, hoping to get on TV. And my costar will be there. Tiffany.”

  “What does she look like?”

  “Blond and booty-licious.”

  “Hot damn!” Freemont gave him a knuckle pound. “You da man!” He led Phineas down a hall toward the back door of Leroy’s establishment. “As your new agent, I’m gonna need a name that’s tight. You need one, too, bro.”

  “I’m Dr. Phang in the vampire world. Also known as the Love Doctor.”

  Freemont’s eyes narrowed as he nodded. “That’s buck. I bet you get laid all the time.”

  Phineas winced inwardly. The silly names had worked well enough for one-night stands, but eventually, he’d grown tired of feeling like a joke that was funny only one time.

  Freemont grabbed a set of keys off a peg by the back door. “Will you introduce me to the Tiffany babe?”

  “Yes, but remember she’s a Vamp. She might see you as a snack more than a stud.”

  Freemont gulped and eased a finger around the collar of his gold silk shirt. “You’ve got a weird life, bro.”

  “Don’t worry. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Phineas patted him on the back. “And I appreciate your help.” Thanks to his brother, he now looked a lot more convincing in his new role as a television star.

  Freemont opened the back door and strode into the parking lot. “So if you’re Dr. Phang . . .”

  Phineas followed him, grateful that the rain had finally stopped. He stepped around puddles to keep his boots as dry as possible.

  Freemont halted with a jerk. “I know! I’ll be Da Freeze. Kinda like Freemont, but better. Da Freeze, the Ice Man. What do you think?”

  Phineas bit his lip to keep from grinning. His brother reminded him of himself five years ago. “It’s . . . cool.”

  “It’s more than cool, man. I’m an icy cold blast of refreshment!” Freemont opened the door to a purple limousine. “Only the best for my famous brother.”

  “What a bunch of hot babes,” Freemont whispered as they entered the lobby of the Digital Vampire Network. “Are you sure they’re all . . . ?”

  “Yes, they are,” Phineas whispered back. “And they all have super hearing, so be careful what you say.”

  Freemont nodded, his wide-eyed gaze darting around the crowded lobby. “Your life is seriously weird.”

  “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” Phineas muttered, then headed toward the reception desk.

  “Oh my God, it’s the Blardonnay Guy!” a pretty brunette squealed.

  More gasps and squeals emanated from the scantily clad young ladies who frequented the lobby every night, hoping to be discovered. They rushed toward Phineas, all talking at once.

  “I just love your commercial!”

  “You’re even more handsome than Denzel!”

  “Can I have an autograph please?”

  Phineas held up his hands to ward off the full-court press, but before he could say anything, Freemont blocked the girls with his walking stick.

  “Ladies!” He flashed a wide grin. “We appreciate your enthusiasm, but Dr. Phang has to do an interview right now. If you can wait till he’s finished, he might be able to spare you a few minutes.”

  “We’ll be here!” A blonde held up a Blardonnay bottle. “Will you sign my bottle, Dr. Phang?”

  A brunette in a cheerleader costume winked at Phineas. “I want you to sign my thigh.”

  “I’ll let you sign my breast!” Another posed, showing off her most talented assets, barely contained in a tight spandex halter.

  “That’s all good.” Freemont used his walking stick to herd them back. “But I will need to thoroughly inspect all writing surfaces before I can allow my client to sign. Security protocol, you understand.”

  Phineas snorted as he approached the receptionist’s desk. “Hey, what’s up? It’s Susie, right?”

  She blushed, almost as red as the dyed streaks in her black hair. “You remembered. I just love your commercial, Dr. Phang.”

  “I’m his agent.” Freemont slid his pinched thumb and forefinger along the brim of his fedora. “You can call me Da Freeze.”

  “Nice to meet you. For security reasons, we ask all our visitors to wear name tags.” Susie smiled shyly at Phineas. “Of course, you don’t need a name tag, Dr. Phang. Everyone knows who you are.” She wrote Freemont’s new name on a name tag. “Here you go, Mr. DeVries.”

  “No, Da Freeze. The Ice Man.”

  “Oh.” A confused look flitted over Susie’s face, then she scribbled another name. “Mr. Theismann.” She passed him the name tag, then scurried toward the double doors behind her.

  Frowning at his name tag, Freemont whispered, “Doesn’t she understand English?”

  “We really should hurry now.” Susie held open the door. “They were expecting Dr. Phang in makeup five minutes ago.”

  After a few minutes in the makeup chair, Phineas was escorted to Recording Studio #3 where he greeted Gordon, the director.

  “Hey, Phineas.”
Gordon shook hands with him, then gave Freemont and his name tag a curious look.

  “I’m Dr. Phang’s agent,” Freemont boasted.

  “And my brother,” Phineas added with a grin.

  Gordon nodded, his eyes twinkling with excitement. He and Stone Cauffyn were the only ones at DVN who knew what Phineas was really up to tonight. “Stone and Tiffany are ready for you. Good luck.”

  As Phineas approached the set, which consisted of three chairs on a carpeted dais, Tiffany jumped to her feet, her breasts jiggling and dangerously close to falling out of the sexy red dress she was wearing.

  “Dr. Phang!” With a big grin, she threw her arms around his neck. “Don’t you just love it? We’re famous! I want to kiss you, but I don’t dare mess up my makeup.”

  “I understand.”

  “I’m getting fan mail, can you believe it? And all the girls want to know if I’ve slept with you. You don’t mind if I say yes, do you?” She pressed closer, rubbing her breasts against him as she slid her hands down his chest. “It wouldn’t have to be a lie, you know.”

  “Well, I—” Phineas grabbed her hands to keep them from venturing too far south. How could he put this? He didn’t want to have sex with her just to give her something to talk about with her fans.

  “Places!” Gordon shouted. “We go live in three minutes.”

  “We’ll talk later,” Phineas told Tiffany, then he took a seat, sandwiched between her and Stone Cauffyn, the newscaster who had just finished doing the Nightly News in Studio #2.

  The sound guy clipped tiny microphones onto the guys’ lapels, then struggled to find a place to attach Tiffany’s mike.

  She giggled. “Oooh, that tickles!”

  “Does my hair look all right?” Stone asked the makeup girl.

  “You look perfect,” she replied, then winked at Phineas. “So do you.”

  “Two minutes,” Gordon announced.

  “Testing, testing,” Stone said, and the sound guy gave him a thumbs-up. “Take a taxi, tally-ho.”

  Phineas gave him a questioning look, then realized the newscaster was warming up.

  “The voluptuous vampire ventured into the velvet night,” Stone announced in a serious tone. “Peter Potter from Poughkeepsie packs a pretty pickle in his pants.”

  Phineas glanced at his brother who was being herded toward the back of the room. Freemont grinned at him and punched the air with his fist.

  “Billy Baker bumped into a barmaid and barfed his Blissky on her bosom,” Stone continued, then lowered his voice to a soft whisper. “I hope this works.”

  “It will.” Phineas shifted in his chair and unbuttoned his tuxedo jacket. He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. You can do this.

  “Ten seconds,” Gordon announced, then held up his hand to show them five seconds, four, three, two, then he pointed his index finger at them.

  They were live on the air.

  Chapter Two

  “Good evening.” Stone focused on the camera with the red glowing light. “Tonight, the Digital Vampire Network is proud to bring you the moment you’ve been waiting for—our special bonus feature.”

  The red light blinked to a second camera, and Stone shifted his gaze. “As the threat of global Vampire Apocalypse fades into the sunset, the Undead have turned their attention to . . . something completely different. I’m referring to the latest sensation on DVN—not a show, but an advertisement for the most recent addition to Vampire Fusion Cuisine, a mixture of synthetic blood and Chardonnay called Blardonnay, which is, of course, manufactured by one of our sponsors, Romatech Industries.”

  Stone motioned to his guests as the camera backed up for a wider shot. “It is my pleasure to introduce the actors from that commercial: Dr. Phang and Tiffany, otherwise known as the Blardonnay Guy and Girl.”

  Tiffany giggled and waved at the camera, while Phineas smiled.

  “Now that your acting careers have skyrocketed,” Stone continued, “can you tell us how your lives have changed?”

  “Oh, I’m so happy now!” Tiffany clasped her hands together. “I’ve always known I was destined to be a star. I mean, when you look like this”—she twisted in her chair to strike a provocative pose—“it’s obvious you belong in front of a camera.”

  “Indeed.” Stone’s face remained expressionless as he regarded her. “There is a theory that those who are extremely good-looking could also be considered more attractive.”

  Phineas’s mouth twitched. “A bold theory, Stone.”

  “Yes, I have been incredibly blessed, but”—Tiffany heaved a forlorn sigh that carried the added bonus of causing her breasts to heave—“unfortunately, beauty such as mine tends to be overwhelming. Some might even call it . . . a curse.” With a sniffle, she wiped away an imaginary tear.

  Phineas struggled to keep a straight face as he patted Tiffany’s hand. “Buck up, sweetness. It’ll all be good.”

  She leaned to the side to give him a hug, which mashed her breasts together. “You’re so wonderful, Dr. Phang. And I have to say that I’m ever so grateful to DVN for giving me this opportunity to show the vampire world how truly talented I am. Now everyone will know that I have much more to offer than an exquisitely beautiful face.”

  Stone’s gaze flitted to her breasts. “Yes, I can tell you are truly gifted.”

  “Why, thank you.” She giggled. “I’m just thrilled everyone is taking me seriously now.”

  “You can say that again.” Phineas winked at her. As far as he knew, half the men at DVN had already taken Tiffany quite seriously. No way was he getting in line.

  “And how about you, Dr. Phang?” Stone asked. “Has your life changed for the better?”

  “Yes, it has. I was finally able to quit my old job.”

  Stone nodded. “There’s a rumor going around DVN that you’ve agreed to play a role on one of our popular soap operas.”

  “It’s not a rumor.” Phineas aimed a dashing grin at the camera. “I’m in contract negotiations to star on As the Vampire Turns.”

  Tiffany squealed and latched on to his arm, leaning toward him for another hug. “Oh, Dr. Phang! I’m so happy for you.” She grinned at Stone. “I have good news, too. I was just hired to do a commercial for Vampos, the after-dinner mint that gets rid of blood breath.”

  “And I plan to make more Blardonnay commercials,” Phineas added, then touched Tiffany’s hand. “With you, of course.”

  “Oh yes, Dr. Phang! I just love working with you.” She squeezed his arm and gave the camera a dramatic look. “We’ve become very close.”

  “Tell me, Dr. Phang,” Stone continued. “How did you acquire such an interesting name? Are you really a doctor?”

  “I took on the name five years ago when I was transformed,” Phineas explained. “The title of doctor is honorary and refers to my high level of expertise in all manners of love.”

  Stone’s face remained blank. “Indeed?”

  “Yes. They call me the Love Doctor.” It was a load of crap that Phineas felt like he’d outgrown, but it probably fit his new persona of an up-and-coming, super-sexy star. “I don’t like to brag, you understand, but I’m naturally attuned to universal love vibrations, and that gives me an uncanny ability to sense a woman’s needs and fulfill her every desire.”

  “Oh yes!” Tiffany pressed against his arm. “Nobody fulfills me like Dr. Phang.”

  “You don’t say,” Stone continued. “Well, I can certainly attest to Dr. Phang’s newfound popularity. DVN has been flooded with calls and e-mails. The women love the way you look in a bath towel, and the men want to know if you have a special workout regimen.”

  “He has a gorgeous chest,” Tiffany purred while she rubbed a hand over his tuxedo jacket.

  Phineas grabbed her hand before she could get carried away. “I was already in good shape when I was transformed. I used to be a boxer.” And a drug dealer on the side, but he didn’t want his family to know about that. Hell, he didn’t want anyone to know.

  “A
boxer? How fascinating,” Stone continued in his bland voice. “You mentioned quitting a job. Weren’t you employed by MacKay Security and Investigation?”

  Phineas nodded. Finally, Stone was getting to the point of the interview. “Yeah, I worked for Angus MacKay. For five lousy years.”

  “Lousy?” Stone asked.

  “You wouldn’t believe how lousy. Seven nights a week, no time off, no vacation. And no hazard pay! They ordered me to risk my life, over and over again, and for what? Minimum wage?”

  For the first time, Stone’s face showed an expression. He frowned. “I didn’t realize Angus MacKay was a bad employer.”

  “Bad?” Phineas snorted. “He’s the worst. And you know what really pisses me off? That he has the gall to pretend that he’s the good guy!”

  Stone sat back with a stunned look. “You don’t believe Angus MacKay is a good guy?”

  “Hell no! I tell you, the whole time I worked for him, I never saw any of his employees get killed. But boy did they slaughter a bunch of other vampires.”

  “You’re referring to the Malcontents they killed in battle?” Stone asked.

  Phineas waved a hand. “Angus calls them Malcontents, but I like to call them by their real name: the True Ones. I mean, since when is it a crime to stick to old traditions? The True Ones just want to be left alone so they can eat the old-fashioned way.”

  “You mean feeding off mortals till they die,” Stone muttered.

  Phineas shrugged. “It’s not like we have a shortage of mortals in the world. Besides, this is about basic vampire liberties. We should be able to feed however we like. Angus and his sanctimonious friends—who the hell are they to decide what’s the right way for the rest of us to live our lives?”

  “So you don’t see anything wrong with the so-called Malcontents?” Stone asked.

  “No, of course not. They’re the ones who transformed me and gave me eternal life. I’m grateful for that.”

  “But you worked for MacKay S and I for several years,” Stone reminded him. “They’re the number one enemy of the Malcontents.”