Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It
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So large that they cannot interface with any complementary female orifice, Llu Cipher’s genitalia
are thus utilized in Masturbatory Techniques, of which he is Hell’s leading authority.
Onanism aside, his hobbies include baking bread, growing pansies,
and injecting Ebola virus into human philanthropists.
Executive of the 1st Lowerarchy, Ruler of Pride, Specializing in Obsession with the Self,
Masturbation Fetishism, Silicone Injection, Arcane Genitalia Worship
and Los Angeles Twelve-Step Programs.
MEPHIS TOPHIEL
The Purveyor of Rage, Intolerance, Disease, Darkness and War to the Writhing Worm of Mankind,
as well as an amateur Flügelhorn enthusiast. Lt. Tophiel, Prince of the 3rd Lowerarchy and a Member
of the Invasion Committee, specializes in the Hatred of Light, the Proliferation of Arms, Cocaine and
Amphetamines, and is known for His Sulfurous Odor and for Cultivating and Displaying for Public
View Unspeakable Rashes on his Genitals. Aside from His Flügelhorn recitals, Lt. Tophiel’s hobbies
include Inciting Fear and Trembling Among the Masses During Eclipses of the Sun, Recipes of Drugs
and Automatic Weapons Served to the Poor, and homemade arts and crafts, such as casket doilies
macraméd from the clotted blood of Make-a-Wish Foundation executives.
Executive of the 3rd Lowerarchy, Ruler of War, Ignorance, Disease and Darkness,
Specializing in Malevolence, Intolerance, Rage, the Hatred of Light, the Proliferation of Arms,
Cocaine, Amphetamines and Tabloid Television.
BAAL ZEBUB
Satanic emissary of Greed. As a promoter of Evil on Earth, his many accomplishments include
Manifest Destiny, Unbridled Corporate Expansion, Contempt for the Homeless and Diseased,
Syndicated Game Shows, Stock Portfolios, Las Vegas, Off-Track Betting and the Insurance Industry.
Baal Zebub’s cocktail parties are famous as the gathering place for Hell’s Evil Elite.
An avid orphanage arsonist, his hobbies also include collecting Archie comic books,
swimming laps in pools of boiling blood, and making party patés from the
mashed brains of Nobel Peace Prize winners.
Executive of the 1st Lowerarchy, Ruler of Greed and the Path of Power,
Specializing in Corporate Darwinism, Real Estate-, Insurance- and Wall Street-Brokers,
International Banking, Lotteries, High-Roller Junkets and Church Bingo.
AHRIMAN
Master of Mind Control known for elevating human males, exclusive of females, into a position
of power, thus assuring eons of carnage in Wars of Penile Envy. Ahriman’s hobbies include
categorizing Chladni Vibration Patterns, collecting antique buttons, and making
scrapbook collages with AIDS-infected human afterbirth.
Executive of the 2nd Lowerarchy, Ruler of the Narrow Path, Specializing in Cults, Religion,
Secret Governments, the Marketing of Seduction through Mind Control, Advertising, Muzak,
Pyramid Schemes, Soap Operas, Political Speech-Writing and Lord Satan’s
Magnificent Invention, Children’s Programming.
BELIAL
Satanic Minister of Lust and Ordure, the owner of Hell’s largest collection of human pornography,
to which he has affixed a laugh track. Belial’s collection of bottled ordure from every race,
sex and age of Humankind is the envy of all Demons, not to mention of the Fecal-Slobbering
Porcelain Creatures of Goebbels-Fehtang. A prominent inhabitant of East Hell, Belial proudly shows
visitors his homemade bed, constructed from the shellacked corpses of B-movie stars.
Executive of the 4th Lowerarchy, Ruler of Lechery and Alcoholism, Specializing in Castigating the
Absurd Spectacles of Human Waste Elimination and Fornication, in Adultery, Incest,
Pornography and the Perversion of Pleasure.
ASMO DEUS
Satanic Emissary of Logic and Obfuscation, who engineered the downfall of Solomon by
presenting him with a Vestal Virgin with a Square Vagina and challenging him to insert into It
his Round Peg. With this Challenge, Asmo Deus introduced to Mankind the Domain of Logic
resulting from the Fornication of Opposites, which served to brilliantly ensnare Humans in the
Swillish Sinkhole of the Intellect. Asmo Deus, a resident of the Eye of Arcturus in North Hell, enjoys
ping-pong, collecting mushrooms and the gutting and flaying of wheelchair basketball teams. 14
Executive of the 2nd Lowerarchy, Ruler of Mathematics and Logic, Specializing in Law,
Income Tax Instructions, Sophistry, Paradox, Specious Argument and
the Sophisticated Intellect as an Enemy of Wisdom.
LILITH
The She-Demon dedicated to Evil toward Man through the Miasma of Glamour and Mayic Delusion.
Lilith’s accomplishments as Destroyer of Earth-Density, through overshadowing the minds of humans,
include the creation of Shopping Malls, Beauty Pageants, Barbie Dolls, Presidential Campaigns,
the Academy Awards, high-fashion piercing and tattooing, the transformation of serial killers into
media celebrities, and the glamorizing of Narcotics and Suicide. Lilith resides in Blood Manor
on the River Styx, and as a hobby creates arts and crafts with yarn,
construction paper and gutted kittens.
Executive of the 2nd Lowerarchy, Ruler of Glamour, Queen of the Succubi, Specializing in
Unbridled Fatuousness, Shimmering Excess and the Glitter of Filth, the Inventor of High Heels
and Celebrity Telethons.
BEHEMOTH
Satanic Emissary of Eating, Hell’s leading expert on Cooking Mankind and the creator of a line
of Human Barbecue Sauces popular in Hell Bistros. His expertise is apparent in the excellent
Food Charts and Diagrams in this manual. Behemoth’s hobbies include gutting and stuffing
human infant corpses and twisting them into demeaning postures, flossing yaks’ teeth with
human entrails, and collecting bottle caps.
Executive of the 4th Lowerarchy, Ruler of Gluttony, Specializing in the Proliferation
of Pure Fat, Sugar and Chocolate, and in the Gutting, Basting, Broiling,
Frying and Roasting of Humanity.
A NOTE ON THE COMMENTARIES
The magnanimity of Lord Satan’s Evil is no better expressed than in His Pure Hatred of Idiot Mankind, as depicted in this, His Invasion Manual.
In His enthusiasm to draw a Comprehensive Portrait of Mankind, Lord Satan commanded Me to act as Editor and to add additional data helpful to His Invading Hordes.
After forming the Invasion Commission, composed of Hell’s Most Notable Experts, I traveled to Earth at various time frames to do firsthand research on the Evils of Earth. This data provided the raw material for the Editorial Commentaries and Footnotes on the sundry terms His Majesty compiled to Explicate the Incomprehensible World of Man.15
My scouting mission was dangerous. After arriving on Earth, I disguised Myself as a Human and researched various topics undercover, traveling to numerous temporal and geographic regions. My own Research Notes (and Selected Verses) were integrated with those written by My Commission, and arranged in a tasteful layout by Mortimer Pönçé, Lord Satan’s Publisher at Mind Control Press.
The success of the editorial work of My Commission, composed of Perpetually Warring Executives of Evil Who Forever Despise Each Other (and Despise Myself), is a Testament to the Binding Power of our Lord Satan’s Divine Hatred, for He is both the Beginning and the Ending of all Evil Enterprise.16
ZYK OF ASIMOTH
Poet in Eternal Residence
University of Hell
PUBLISHER’S NOTE ON THE 666 TH EDITION
VARIOUS AND SUNDRY EDITIONS
Six hundred and sixty-five editions of Encyclopædia of Hell have been published since the success of the Invasion eons ago. Since then, Lord Satan’s Invasion Manual has been studied by Demons throughout the vast Hell Cosmos and translated into over 13,000 dialects of Hell, especially German.
Many illegal facsimiles of this Book were circulated, and the pirate publishers summarily whipped and decapitated side by side with those Demons who purchased them. Thus this book has produced nothing but excellent results, even in its plagiarization.
Now, in this Special 666th Edition, many new annotations and historical documents have been added. Memoranda written by Lord Zyk to my office prior to the publication of the 1st Edition have been inserted at the beginning of each section of the Encyclopaedia proper. These letters appear in sequence to give the Modern Demon Bibliophile a Unique Historical Perspective on the successful Invasion of Earth, as well as many Interesting Facts concerning the manner in which the First Edition was Compiled, Edited and Revised.
DISCLAIMER REGARDING THE ILLUSTRATIONS
Through the eons, the myriad illustrations included in Lord Satan’s Magnificent Paean to Mankind’s Annihilation have been interpolated by sundry Daemon artists, and in later ages expunged, redrawn or edited to conform to the sensibilities of Evil Artistry in the Timeline of Hell’s Cultural History. The resulting conglomeration of illustrative styles has created a unique pastiche of iniquitous imagery that we the publishers have decided to present with minimal editorialization; in this way we hope to more perfectly represent this Commemorative Facsimile Edition’s Imperious and Ageless Authenticity.
Mortimer Pönçé, Publisher
Mind Control Press, Ltd.
City of Hell
ENCYCLOPÆDIA OF HELL
AN INVASION MANUAL OF EARTH
BOOK I
INVASION
MAPS
AND DIAGRAMS
INCLUDING AN
OVERVIEW
OF
LORD SATAN’S
MASTER
PLAN
INVASION MAPS AND DIAGRAMS
AND LORD SATAN’S MASTER PLAN
In Part One, I shall present the most important material
concerning the planet Earth, so-called Angels and their relationship
to the grotesque human race, and finally My Plan of Invasion.
1. ON ANGELS
As every Demon knows, Angels are a transient and lazy race of sub-demons17 who are routinely ejected from the City of Hell for Vagrancy, Loitering and Stupidity. Since Angels are the future selves of the Clod of Humanity18, many inbred Angel families unable to find work in Hell have time-traveled to Earth-Density and formed colonies of invisible trailer parks orbiting the Earth. There the Angels have established themselves as a dim-witted race of low-IQ, gum-chewing Demons whose presence beautifully complements Earth and its Billions of Indigenous Morons.
Due to their direct ancestry to Earth humans, this primitive race of Demons, distinguished by their short stature, gray, mottled skin and large, lenticular black eye-shades, frequently time-travel to gun-free eras of Earth history.
On Earth, Angel-Demons cast crude spells to disguise themselves in a form pleasing to the primitive human sensory apparatus. Their camouflage often includes blond flowing hair, white silky robes and absurd feathery wings.19
Diagram of Angelic Projection
Before the Invasion, the Angel-Demons have played a crucial role as My Ignorant Dupes in paving the way for My Conquest of their ancestral Orb, Earth. I commanded My Executives to sabotage several of the Angels’ primitive “trailer park” Hellcraft so that they would crash on Earth circa 1947 and be discovered by humans.20
My Plan was to allow the humans to recover the Angels’ corpses as well as their Hellcraft’s Microchip Technology from the wreckage ; thinking the Angels were “spacemen” instead of Demons, the humans would then use the Microchip for the rapid invention and dissemination of My Secret Weapon on Earth, Television. (My Ingenious Plan, in which the Human Idiots would be tricked into mass-producing Television sets and distributing them to the populace, worked magnificently; now this Deadly Weapon of Mind Control sits in every living room on the planet, and has transformed Earth Creatures into even stupider [if that can be imagined] pods of insensate flesh.) In keeping with My Plan, Key Demons in Human Guise have infiltrated the ranks of Television Executives and promulgated as Law my mind-numbing scheme called “Reality Programming,” designed to systematically eradicate any trace of Intelligence in all of television broadcasting, Now and Forever. After the Invasion, the Angel Problem will be dealt with, and these annoying entities will be annihilated, along with any of their human ancestors who are deemed inedible. See Harp; Television; Time.
2. ON THE GROTESQUE HUMAN BODY
Observe the opposite diagram21, comparing a cross section of the sleek Demonic Body to that of the bizarre Human Form (Luciferum Daemonicus vs. Homo Humanus).
While a Demon’s interior has only one moving part, a conduit which neatly absorbs foodstuffs and excretes waste, the Human Body is stuffed with an absurd chaos of “organs,” each articulating a specific underlying electrical nexus point, its sloppy complexity a testament to the primitive stage of human evolution.
When gutting a human orally, take care to immediately spit out the heart which is noxious to Demons and sometimes, as in the case of human philanthropists, poisonous.
Earth: Orb of Insignificance
3. ON THE UNSPEAKABLE PLANET EARTH
The odious Earth, of course, exists in Hell’s distant past and, indeed, is a past incarnation of the Central Orb of Hell. Now in a larval stage of Imperfect Evil, primitive Mankind is destined to evolve through the eons into the present Race of Demons.
Prior to our Invasion, the Earth has served as a combination garbage dump and time-travel resort of Demons, and has a fascinating history. Eons ago, when upstart Demons were banished to Hell’s distant past, the time frames featuring Earth-Density were avoided because of their star’s stinging radiation of photons, the planet’s sickly-sweet, noxious molecular odor and the sour, copper-penny taste of the early human livestock.
Despite these drawbacks, the infamous Demon pioneer Abra Kadab (q.v.) homesteaded the planet and claimed the ancient wilderness of primeval Earth-Density as his own.
Kadab, a powerful shape-changer, hollowed out the planet’s interior and conjured a gigantic magical stone wheel to spin at the Earth’s core (see Wheel of Kadab) in order to correct the planet’s awkward wobbling. After his installation of the Wheel, Kadab became the sole owner and Demon inhabitant of this noxious planet for unnumbered centuries.
The Demon Abra Kadab
During that ancient time, Kadab’s obsessive goal was to alter human evolution so that their flesh when eaten did not make the average Demon retch. Initially, he utilized the satanic magic of genetic engineering (q.v.) in an attempt to achieve this goal.
Wheel of Kadab
During his centuries of experimentation, Kadab produced many species of delightfully grotesque monsters which he released to the surface of the planet — dragons, Yeti, trolls, Bigfoot, Mothmen, centaurs and dinosaurs. But all were barely edible.
After myriad failures, Kadab gave up the genetic approach and began a new technique by which he ultimately succeeded. By introducing money (q.v.) to the human livestock, he was able to transform human society into an Unstoppable Machine which, in its craving for More Money, ultimately poisoned the planet (and thus its inhabitants’ flesh) with deadly toxins. In a relatively short period of time, these toxins transformed human flesh from vomitous gore into a gourmet delicacy. This plan succeeded so magnificently that word of the deliciousness of Humanity spread to Demons in the present (and thus, Earth’s future) and in every region of inner and outer Hell. As a result, Abra Kadab established Earth as a time-travel resort for vacationing Demons with a tongue for human flesh.
Abra Kadab’s plan
backfired, however, when the Lawyers of Hell saw the immense profits that could be made by marketing Kadab’s genetic engineering of Humanity. Thus, Kadab was served with a Writ of Manifest Destiny stating that the City of Hell was expanding its borders into the Past to include Earth-Density. Since Kadab had been banished from Hell, he was ordered to leave Earth-Density at once. Kadab naturally resisted. Thus, Armies of Darkness time-traveled to Earth to take the Orb from Kadab by force.
Realizing that he could not win, Kadab sent the Attorneys of Hell his now-famous Riposte of Defiance, stating that if he could not own Earth-Density, then no one else would either. In an act of magnificent vengeance, Kadab attempted to destroy the entire orb.22 First he turned on all of the plumbing he’d installed in the Hollow Earth centuries before and flooded the planet’s surface, thus destroying all of its precious livestock. Then he squeezed the Smell Sacs of Seven Billion Giant Gas Creatures from Arcturus over the planet, saturating it with the noxious odor which, combined with Earth’s stench au naturel, is the most ponderous characteristic of Earth-Density today.