Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It
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Viewing Miniature Demons
MICROSCOPE (mī krə scōp) n. A tool for viewing the unstoppable billions of miniature Demons which ceaselessly devour the Hide of Humanity.
Human Fondling Phallic Symbol
MILITARY (mĭ lə tĕr ē) n. A cult of phallus-worshipping human artisans whose sculptures, called missiles (q.v.), are monuments to their obsession with engineering more and more explosive Orgasms.
COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN
In another sense, the military may be referred to as the sales force and product-testing divisions of Earth’s weapons manufacturers. Weapons manufacturers, when glutted with a surplus of product as a result of the failure of the military to use their products, pay vast advertising fees to create worldwide promotional campaigns called war (q.v.). See Husband; Military; Soldier; Senator.
MILITARY INTELLIGENCE (mĭ lə tĕr ē ĭn tĕl ə jəns) n. Sarcastic and hilarious oxymoron. See Bullet; Missile.
Insidious Purveyor of Creams
MILKMAN (mĭlk măn) n. He who has the same cleft palate as a husband’s six children.
MILKY WAY (mĭl kē wā) n. The cosmic highway marred by the pothole of Earth.
Millionaire Imbeciles Wearing Prestige Skins
MILLIONAIRE (mĭl yən ĕr) n. A low-IQ billionaire.
MIME (mīm) n. 1. A human who impersonates an entertainer. 2. The opposite of Negro impersonator AlJolson.70
MIND (mīnd) n. In humans, the damaged contents of the rubbery bag of brains, a faculty akin to a desperate prostitute which, futilely fellating the corpse of wisdom, finds it dry and flaccid. See Brain.
MINISTER (mĭn ĭs tər) n. A moron who preaches drivel to the senile. See Sermon.
MINORITY (mī nôr ə tē) n. That which wishes itself to be the majority, so that it may oppress itself.
Black-Faced Caucasian in a Performance of Penis-Envy
MINSTREL SHOW (mĭn strəl shō) n. White humans wearing blackface in a spectacle of racial penis-envy. See Al Jolson.
Despicable Instrument Which Duplicates Humanity
MIRROR (mĭ rər) n. Despicable instrument which duplicates Humanity. On the positive side, however, it facilitates the convergence of death-ray lasers.
MISOGYNY (mĭ sä jə nē) n. See Machismo.
Humanity’s Greeting Card to Itself
MISSILE (mĭs səl) n. A hightech Welcome Wagon designed to greet enemy women and children.
MISSIONARY (mĭ shən ĕr ē) n. A human crusader who bribes savages to worship a statue of a man nailed to a tree. See Crusader; Religion.
MISSIONARY POSITION (mĭ shən ĕr ē pə zĭ shən) n. In Borneo, a missionary’s head on a stick. See Head.
MODERATION (mä dər ā shən) n. That scurrilous faculty which robs a human of both the titillation of a chaffed, calloused groin and the alcoholic thrill of projectile vomiting.
MOHAMMED (Mō hä məd) p. In the Sideshow of the Gods, a favorite for his hobbies of the public chopping-off of hands, and for wrapping up women in black cheesecloth to keep their vaginas fresh between fornications. See Religion ; Scripture.
MOLECULE (mäl ĭ kyūl) n. Scalar concept useful to Demons when discussing the relative heft of the human brain.
Paper Equivalent of 666 Million Souls
MONEY (mŭ nē) n. Filthy paper used to purchase human souls. See Bail; Bank; Capitalism; Catholic Church; Debt; Finance; Internal Revenue Service; Profiteer; Soul.
Superior Humanoid (Devoid of Irritating Larynx)
MONKEY (mŭng kē) n. A superior species of human devoid of Mankind’s worst organ, the larynx.
MONSTER (män stər) n. The human fetus.
MORALITY (môr ăl ə tē) n. A hateful wall separating a human from doing the evil which will make him the most happy.
Human Moron
MORON (môr än) n. A grade of idiot which has mastered the art of politics, film producing and Feng Shui. See Idiot.
MORTGAGE (môr gĭj) n. Form of self-torture in which humans chain themselves until death to a large wooden box.
MORTICIAN (môr tĭ shən) n. A delightfully demented human puppeteer who disembowels and rapes his puppets before burying them. See Morgue.
Milk-Exuding Monster
MOTHER (mŭ thər) n. Ghastly creature with cloudy liquid oozing from its chest and a perpetual, cloying vise-grip on the male progeny’s testicles. Its traditional role in the human family is to transform its innocent young into trembling flesh-bags of neuroses. See Father.
COMMENTARY BY LILITH
The Hideousness of Motherhood, with its yapping, sagging jowls and gangly, sagging teats, the Human Mother is used by Condescending Male Demons throughout the Cosmos as a false example of the “inferiority ” of the Female Principle.
MOTHER-IN-LAW (mŭ thər ĭn lô) n. Satanic beast dedicated to tormenting and castigating unto death the spouse of its progeny.
COMMENTARY BY LILITH
In Earth-Density, the Evil of a Mother’s Love is surpassed only by the Evil of a Mother-In-Law’s Love, which projects not only exquisite amounts of guilt and shame upon its progeny, but also rifles through their drawers during family gatherings.
Human Feeding Tube
MOUTH (mouth) n. 1. Hinged orifice in the human head which opens to welcome decomposing carcasses, other humans’ bacteria-coated tongues and tumescent, filth-encrusted genitalia. 2. The human cavity which, when opened, either belches, vomits or lies.
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION (mouth tū mouth rĭ sŭ sə tā shən) n. A prelude to necrophilia in which a human gives open-mouthed kisses to a waterlogged corpse.
MUCUS (myū kəs) n. The rare and delectable fruit of the human nose and vagina.
COMMENTARY BY BEHEMOTH
After gutting a human, mucus (a pungent, jelly-like condiment also known as snot) may be carefully drained (or sucked) from the sinus and vaginal canals to good effect. Note that mucus, a welcome sauce piquant to any preparation of human meat, is luscious when green and fresh, but in addition, when scabrous and dry, mucus crusts may be ground into a zesty and flavorful pepper which adds a racy zing to any broiled human repast.
MURDER (mûr dər) n. Killing creatively. See Kill.
MUSEUM (myū zē əm) n. Storage shed for trash discarded by the ancients. See Art Critic; Archaeologist.
Human Producing Annoying and Repetitive Vibratory Patterns
MUSIC (myū zĭk) n. 1. Gross cyclic vibrations which cause human musculature to twitch in an embarrassing display of spastic movement. See Dancing. 2. That which a Demon plays while torturing a human to ameliorate the annoying sound of its shrieks. See Hymn.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
Demons, of course, have no biological resonance with the vibrations called music. Since humans constantly play these absurd vibratory patterns in their density, it behooves the invading Demon forces to use this human predilection to their military advantage.
COMMENTARY BY LILITH
The playing of human music to accompany the cries of human torture is a satisfying and creative experience in Demon-Human relations. After interviewing some of the most successful Demon Tormentors of Mankind, I have compiled the following list matching types of torture with the types of music most appropriate to be used as accompaniment:
TORTURE AND MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT
TORTURESUGGESTED MuslcCOMMENTS
Body stretched on rack. Surf Music. Use ice packs to pop tendons.
Eyes, tongue plucked with pliers. Wagnec Maximum wlume.
Holes drilled in head. Easy Listening. Drill through pineal first to watch amusing floppy erection.
Hanging by neck. EnnioMorricone. Warning! Plug anus with rubber stopper and duct tape before hangng.
Electricity to genitals. Broadway show tuncs. For best screams, attach alligator clips to hemorrhoid flaps.
Deatal tordue Disco. Maximize bass.
Chinese water torture. Theme from Flipper. Dress victim in Chairman Mao costume.
Ebola virus injection. Sea chanteys. Hum along to increase tension.
> Drawn and quartered Marlboro theme. Make 3-inch incisions on annpits to faC1l1tate even dlsmembennent.
Flayed. Late Frank Sinatra. Dip flayed bodyin salt for heightened screams.
MUSICAL THEATER (myū zĭ kəl thē ə tər) n. Place in which alcoholic males alternate between cavorting onstage and fellating each other behind curtains.71
MUSIC VIDEOS (myū zĭk vĭ dē ōz) n. The first sign of the end of the Universe as we know it.
COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN
The human prognosticator Nostradamus composed this prophetic quatrain which many Demon scholars believe refers to the human Michael Nesmith, the inventor of music videos:
When the Monkey shall renounce
his Four as False
He shall make Dry Ice to accompany
a Demented Waltz.72
Ambulating Sweater
MUTTON (mŭ tən) n. Meat from a sweater.
MYSTERY (mĭs tər ē) n. That which describes the reason why the Cosmos tolerates Humanity infesting its cosmic hide.73
Mystic Masturbating to Death
MYSTIC (mĭs tĭk) n. A human who abandons the world, takes up refuge in his mind, and desperately needs to get laid.74
COMMENTARY BY LLU CIPHER
Demonic anthropologists recently inquired after the destiny of one hundred ascetic male “mystics” living alone in caves throughout the world and compiled the following enlightening data:–1% meditated
–2% died from slipping on own excrement
–97% died from ceaseless masturbation
n, N (ĕn) n. Pictogram symbolizing the three stages of Human Life: the Pompous Elevator of the Intellect, the Psychic Mudslide descending to the Pit of Carnal Filth in which All Humans Grovel, and the Final Elevator to the Fount of Cosmic Nothingness.
Directions: Insert Pointed End Through Savior’s Flesh
NAIL (nāl) n. Beneficial hardware which allows humans to firmly attach saviors to crosses.
NAKEDNESS (nā kĭd nĭs) n. 1. A view of humans too disgusting even for their own eyes. 2. State of utter honesty, and thus universally reviled by humans. See Honesty.
Flesh-Robot’s Inane Cognomen
NAME (nām) n. An inane cognomen which humans obnoxiously assign to innocent objects. Human names are an eternal embarrassment to the objects which they defile.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
Human surnames generally designate the illiteracy of their ancestors. The first, or given, names were originally formulated to indicate the penis (Peter, Steve [i.e. Stiff], Dick, Dirk, Doc, Dunc, Rod, etc.), or to indicate the vagina or clitoris (Gina, Ginnie, Cloris, Doris, Tori, Ina, Aggie, Virginia, etc.).75
NAMESAKE (nām sāk) n. Sadistic joke in which a human inflicts the paucity of its own name upon an unsuspecting infant.
NAPALM (nā päm) n. See Science.
NATION (nā shən) n. Citizens held together by the Common Bond of Credit Card Debt.
NATIONALISM (nă shən əl ĭ zəm) n. A mental disorder which inhibits the normal, healthy instinct to defecate on a flag.
Shoehorn Fancier
NATIVES (nā tĭvz) n. Landowners most likely to sell mineral rights to their land in perpetuity in exchange for a shiny plastic shoehorn.
NATURE (nā chər) n. An irritating, inconsequential biosystem which interrupts human corporate expansion.
COMMENTARY BY LILITH
The tacit Unnaturalness of Nature76 is manifest in its repulsively bright colors and lively streams of life- forms which are Ugly and Unwholesome to all Intelligent Creatures of Hell. Thus, subsequent to the Invasion of Earth-Density, Demon Insurgents should make it a point to work toward the Destruction, Razing and Poisoning of Nature as a matter of Principle.
Centuries ago, the Demon Abra Kadab (q.v.) introduced the Demonic Mechanism of Photosynthesis (q.v.) into Earth’s system of Nature, in an attempt to transform it into a Machine Which Eats Light and Excretes Decay, as Zyk, the Poet Laureate of Hell, so aptly expressed it. But the cellular automata of Earth’s Abominable Life-Force co-opted his Early Efforts, integrating even the Evil of Photosynthesis into a Repugnant System viable for, I shudder to say, the Fruition of Life.
After the Invasion, when You the Demon Insurgent find Yourself surrounded by the Ghastly Colors and Life-Force of Nature, do not despair. We shall soon viciously slice all Earth forests to the ground and saturate every ocean with vats and tankers of Magnificent Swill. Thus, we ask that all Demon Invaders contribute to the Cause of Eradicating Nature and transforming Earth into a Charred and Barren Wonderland of Evil, which is its True Ignoble Destiny.
See Black Death; Garbage; Highway; Light; Photosynthesis; Plant; Savage; Sightseeing; Tree; Vacation.
NATURAL (nă ch(ə) rəl) adj. A word used by humans as an advertising ploy to sell themselves worthless or shoddy products. The slogan “All Natural!” is automatically affixed to any product which blasphemes nature.
NAVY (nā vē) n. Specialized soldiers trained to drown humans, as opposed to shooting them. See Desertion; Homosexual; Sailor.
Nazi Leader Checking Jewish Child’s Gold Teeth
NAZI (nät sē) n. 1. One who does not question orders. 2. The perfect soldier. See Hitler.
NEBULA (nĕ byū lə) n. Ancient cosmic traces of divine flatulence.
NECK (nĕk) n. Human body part specifically designed to fit a noose.
Symbol of Voluntary Human Bondage
NECKTIE (nĕk tī) n. Clothing ritual in which the male voluntarily ties a stylized rope around his neck to symbolize his bondage to money.
NECROMANCY (nĕk rə măn sē) n. The Black Arts, such as politics, advertising and human procreation.
COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN
The Blackest of Arts, fornication (q.v.), the disgusting manufacturing of new humans via sex, is also the greatest mind-control force on the planet, for the constant need to pump brackish spermatozoa into the hideous womb overrides all other human concerns and makes all of Humanity, in effect, a grotesque Pumping and Receiving Station. Human sex is the most potent of all Black Arts, unless of course the sex is performed on a makeup girl by a fat country-western singer in a trailer. See Sex.
NECROPHILIA (nĕ krə fĭl ē ə) n. An efficient and aesthetically pleasing form of birth control.
NEED (nēd) n. That which destroys human relationships.
COMMENTARY BY MEPHIS TOPHIEL
In this connexion, I offer a famous Wise Saw of His Majesty Lord Satan: “A friend in need... is an enemy”.
NEEDLE (nē dəl) n. Device used by German artisans to stitch human skin into decorative lampshades.
NEGATIVITY (neg ə tĭ vĭ tē) n. Human ignorance which perversely deems that infant mortality, for example, is somehow unpleasant.
NEGLECT (nə glĕkt) n. The relationship between intelligence and the human mind.
Mind-Control Underwear
NEGLIGEE (nĕ glə zhā) n. Mind-control underwear worn by females to entice males into legal enslavement. See Lingerie.
NEIGHBOR (nā bər) n. A human who despises another from a close proximity.
Black Imbecile
NEGRO (nē grō) n. A race of black imbeciles feared by a race of white morons.