Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It

by Olson, Martin

  Human Romance

  This auric chafing is interpreted by Humanity as a stupendous Brush with Destiny, as a timeless Significator of Love, rather than the mere sloppy and indifferent friction of magnetic spikes.

  COMMENTARY BY ZYK

  In my zeal as a sonneteer, I offer the following romantic explication:If human love be grand illusion,

  sweet distraction

  Human lovers cannot know

  the simplest truth:

  The fairest flesh is formed from

  putrefaction

  And truest love is roiled twixt

  groping youth.

  Yet beauty still is sweet to human

  senses

  And love, though randomly

  wrought, still is true,

  For romance every frailty recom-

  penses

  And love disguises chance from

  lovers’ view.

  Thus do fools of flesh inanely think

  That love was destined for each

  others’ arms,

  Whereas, in truth, any sack of stink

  Could easily replace each other’s

  charms.

  For banal chance dictates

  Mankind’s embrace

  While maudlin time exchanges face

  for face.

  Inbred Vermin

  ROYALTY (roi əl tē) n. A family of inbred human vermin whose jewelry has more weight than their souls. See Queen; King.

  RUMOR (rū mər) n. Sensual information which in its erotic potentiality fondles the Genitalia of Knowledge.

  COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS

  According to leading Demon anthropologists, facts have no influence whatsoever in human affairs; rather, rumor is the catalytic force of creation and destruction which rules the Insane Life of Man.

  Rumor begins all human relationships ; rumors of another’s money and power, intelligence or sexual prowess inevitably attracts two human fornicators to inflict their fluids on each other in paroxysms of palsied pleasure and prolonged disease.

  Rumor also ends all human relationships: rumors of infidelity, cross-dressing, homosexuality, money hoarded away in secret bank accounts, ad nauseam, result in a horrific divorce and ripping apart of possessions. So, too, rumor rules all Earth finance (q.v.), from the rise and fall of the stock market to the promotion of a secretary rumored to be superior in dictation, fellatio or sodomy.

  The fact that Fact is subservient to Rumor in Earth-Density provides unending Permutations of Stupidity to amaze, dazzle and entertain the Invading Demon.

  QUADRIFIDUM THE FOURTH

  ZYK’S FOURTH MEMO TO THE PUBLISHER

  CONCERNING HIS RESEARCH ON EARTH

  MEMO TO

  MORTIMER PÖNÇÉ, ESQ.

  PUBLISHER, MIND CONTROL PRESS

  HELL HOLE WEST

  CITY OF HELL

  FROM

  ZYK OF ASIMOTH, EDITOR

  INVASION MANUAL COMMISSION

  DISPATCHED FROM EARTH,

  DALLAS, TEXAS, U.S.A.

  NOVEMBER 22, 1963

  Detestable Mr. Pönçé:

  Your most recent epistle was received and read with immense frustration. So Satan learned of the conspiracy and mercilessly obliterated Cipher and Tophiel, leaving me only the beautiful but cloying Lilith to help me.

  After He dispatches Lilith, I shall be next, Mr. Pönçé, followed by You.

  I do, however, appreciate the fact that you cared enough to send the complex and unmemorizable Spell of Void, the only known Spell which can Obliterate the legendary (and now, it appears, quite senile) Abra Kadab. If Kadab accosts me again, this time I shall be ready for him.

  Nonetheless, I brought Debbie, with whom I blanch to say I am still intensely enamored, to this area of Earth-Density to research a murder. In this instance, the victim was a human squab these creatures call a “president.” It was to be a typically dull and clichéd affair: the aforementioned squab intended to cut off a profitable war and squash the government agencies profiting by it; a dimly evil cabal has subcontracted professional killers to shoot him; a scapegoat has been duly selected.

  Yawn. The same tedious scenario throughout all of human history.

  Still, like Roswell, this was the Nexus for many subsequent events in this time frame. Observing the killing would give a maximum amount of information for our Commentaries with a minimum amount of time and expended in research. And saving time, as we both know, is our highest priority.

  I brought Debbie to an empty office in a book depository above the square. The President’s motorcade was due to pass below us in twenty minutes. The scapegoat was already in the building. The shooters were hiding in a triangular formation across the square.

  Debbie, I should mentioned, was pregnant. No, she had not, of course, been inseminated by that lard-covered dolt, Hitler the Clown. In truth, the Führer had not touched her. Rather, the child was conceived by Debbie and myself during our thousands of sessions of intense fornication under the splay of stars circling above the Romance that is Dachau.

  As we arrived in Dallas, Debbie was going into labor. The child’s birth was imminent. Unfortunately, I did not realize that Dealey Plaza was the center of a local space-time distortion. Thus I was at the time unable to shift temporal dimensions in order to separate the birth of our child with the killing of the President. It appeared that our child, out of necessity, would be born during the time in which I was to observe the assassination.

  Debbie cried out with animalistic grunts and groans as the child began slowly squeezing through her birth canal like a giant squid through a dwarf’s trouser buttons.

  Through the office window, I heard the cheering of the crowd outside as the President’s motorcade approached.

  At that moment the child began to emerge. But what became visible was not the infant’s head, but its hairy back. This was obviously to be a breech birth, an unexpected and dangerous happenstance which put both Debbie and our child in mortal danger.

  Still, I was distracted by the growing cheers, by the motorcade now a block away, by my intriguing glimpses of the shooters’ rifle barrels protruding from their triangle of death.

  It was a desperate moment. I kept one eye on the encroaching presidential vehicle as I tried to help the child pull free from Debbie’s wrenching womb.

  But the child, which seemed unmanageably large for the small opening, was stuck. I pulled and yanked and tugged, but could not free the child in its breeched position.

  The motorcade drew closer. I could sense the President’s subconscious acceptance of his imminent death, of the sweat on the patsy’s brow, of the shooters’ fingers tightening on their triggers.

  Suddenly, something gave way.

  Our First Baby Photo

  The baby, which was very large and gangly but quite invisible to humans, violently exploded out of the womb like a bloody, spiraling bolo. The baby, which I could now see was half goat, half jackal, catapulted at high speed past me before I could catch it. Invisible to human eyes, it shot through the open window and into the square, its hooves splayed wildly.

  And before the shooters could pull their triggers, our invisible goat-jackal’s hooves smashed into the president’s head at supra-luminal speed, first the front hooves, hitting him forward, then the back hooves, hitting him backwards.

  The impact with the President’s head deflected the goat-jackal, which plummeted into the heart of the Nexus Itself, careening through the rip in space-time, vanishing forever and utterly from the realm of Earth-Density.

  The obstreperous birth of our unfortunate child had obviously interfered with the sequence of probable events in this otherwise insipid affair. Therefore, to tidy things up temporally, I froze time and quickly improvised shifting dimensions around like a Cosmic Jigsaw Puzzle comprising Dealey Plaza. (I also managed to snap a baby photo for Debbie, but as it was overexposed, I ordered a human artist to recreate it as a keepsake.) My tampering with the Plaza’s local physics caused a miasma of contr
adictory, overlapping event horizons, deepening the nexus and manifesting a number of interlocking paradoxes which, in toto, smoothed out the jagged mess the incident had made in the veiny skein of human history.

  As to the fate of our poor goat-jackal child, after I took a snapshot and unfroze time, it was swept irrevocably into the roaring Vortex of Creation.

  Before leaving, I erected an eternal invisible memorial to our beloved baby on the hillside at Dealey Plaza, one which will cause nausea and mystification to any human henceforth defiling the spot with his or her presence.

  Debbie has recovered admirably from her difficult childbirth. Although Lord Satan is bound to find out about us, still I must go on, I must do my duty, and I shall take her with me in my arms until it is the end for both of us.

  Although only Lilith remains to help me meet my deadline, the outcome for us all, Mr. Pönçé, is moot. Lord Satan, of course, enjoys obliterating Demons. He’s stated that publicly.

  After completing this letter, which is accompanied by my latest packet of data and poetry to be delivered straightaway to Lilith, I shall fly off with my beloved to my final assignment, located several centuries in the past.

  Although my own destiny is sealed, I still hope against hope that my beloved Debbie will survive, even when I am No More.

  Most hatefully yours,

  ZYK

  MANUAL OF EARTH TERMS

  THE LETTERS S~Z

  s, S (ĕs) n. A Pictogram of the Surd, the decapitated Spiral, a symbol of Incomplete Infinity, protesting the Arrogance of Endlessness.

  SABBATH (să bəth) n. The Day of Divine Extortion. In the Protection Racket of Religion, the Sabbath is the day upon which dirt-poor humans are blackmailed with a threat of Eternal Torment unless they make ransom payments. These monies are remitted to a collection office called a church (q.v.) via robed degenerates. These agents take their percentage, then remit the balance to a conclave of homosexual Italian billionaires who use the money to finance the building of more collection offices.

  Pedestrian Tastes in Blood

  SABER (sā bər) n. A secondrate gourmet whose tongue savors the pedestrian flavor of human blood.

  SACRED (sā krĭd) adj. 1. A concept which humans attribute to a flag or an ancient book to justify mass killings. 2. To humans, anything save human life.

  SACRILEGE (să krə lĭj) n. 1. That which inhibits the flow of money to the Church. 2. To interrupt a priest while he is fellating a cardinal or pope.

  SADISM (sā dĭ zəm) n. The mythic relationship of God to Man.

  SAFARI OUTFIT (sə fä rē out fĭt) n. Stylish garb worn by humans while killing endangered species.

  SAFETY (sāf tē) n. An irksome latch which must be raised on a pistol before a human experiences the joy of killing.

  Sailor Eager to Drown Enemy

  SAILOR (sā lər) n. A human who dresses up like a chocolate ice cream cone in order to kill sailors dressed as other flavors.

  SALAD (să ləd) n. Tasteless clumps of grass which dieting humans eat in public, while dreaming of the fat and sugar they will stuff down their throats in private.

  SALOON (sə lūn) n. A holy place of contemplation, communion and projectile vomiting.

  Obedient Human Worships Flag Before Bombing Enemy Hospital

  SALUTE (sə lūt) n. Gesture of respect humans use before massacring women and children.

  SANITATION (săn ĭ tā shən) n. The laughable delusion that humans can actually escape from the filth of which they are composed.

  Satan’s Emissary

  SANTA CLAUS (săn tə clôz) p. Archetypal emissary of Satan who cultivates a love of greed in children.

  SARCOPHAGUS (sär kô fə gəs) n. 1. The exquisitely logical evolution of a three-piece suit. 2. A friend of maggots and graverobbers. See Crypt.

  SATELLITE (să tə līt) n. Device which allows human stupidity to be broadcast over immense distances.

  Nameless Humans

  SAVAGE (să vĭj) n. A human without a nametag. See Primitive Man.

  COMMENTARY BY LLU CIPHER

  A savage is a reprehensible human who eats untainted food, breathes pure air and profanes civilization by communing with nature. See Hermit.

  SAVIOR (sā vyər) n. Archetypal leader created by humans to compensate for their inability to think and feel for themselves.

  SCANDAL (skăn dəl) n. That which humans love even more than killing.

  SCHISM (skĭ zəm) n. The evolution of every human relationship into a betrayer and a betrayed.

  SCHOOL (skūl) n. Human institution dedicated to the systematic eradication of wisdom. See University.

  HOLY BOOKS GHOST-WRITTEN BY SATAN

  SCIENCE (sī əns) n. A human activity involving the obfuscation of truth based on extrapolating measurements and proclaiming them, to the hilarity of Demons, as Law.

  An Ingenious Moron

  SCIENTIST (sī ən tĭst) n. An ingenious moron (q.v.) who preaches the supreme infallibility of linear measurement. See Weapons Designer.

  SCRIPTURE (skrĭp chər) n. Generic name for books written by Myself, Satan, under various pseudonyms. These books are the most convenient tools in Inspiring Evil and in the Sucking of Human Souls to Hell.

  Refer to the Chart above, tracking the Progress of each of Lord Satan’s Holy Books. This chart lists the Pseudonym used, the Satanic Goal of each scripture, the number of fanatics killed in defense of each book, and the number of infidels killed for not believing in each book. See Bible; Religion.

  SCUM (skŭm) n. The thin layer of humans affixed to the skin of the Earth.

  SEANCE (sā äns) n. Performance art for the wealthy and senile.

  COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN

  All phenomena at a so-called seance, of course, are caused not by the spirits of deceased humans, but rather by two agencies only:1. the human “medium” and/or

  2. prankster Demons. Subsequent to the Invasion of Earth-Density, Demons will be encouraged to get drunk, seek out a seance and, wagering between themselves which Demon can create the most terror or awe, create phenomena such as tossing furniture, pounding walls, blowing party horns or, if the Demon has drunk too much, vomiting ectoplasm. See Make-Believe ; Senility.

  Office Trophy

  SECRETARY (sĕ krĭ tĕ rē) n. A sexual trophy, usually female, mounted in front of the boss’ office, then in private mounted from behind.

  SEGREGATION (sĕ grə gā shən) n. The tasteful separation of those humans with less from those with more.

  SELF-LOATHING (sĕlf lōth ĭng) n. Human sanity.

  SELF-MADE MAN (sĕlf mād măn) n. 1. A bum. 2. A male capable of fellating himself.

  SELF-REFERENCE (sĕlf rĕ frəns) n. See Redundancy. See Redundancy . Also see Self-Reference.

  Harbingers of Doom

  SEMEN (sē mən) n. For the good of Humanity, that which one hopes will never come. See Sperm.

  Carnival Barker of Family Values

  SENATOR (sĕn ə tər) n. 1. Duly-elected Carnival Barker. 2. The client of a prostitute. See Alcoholic; Liar; Millionaire; Politician.

  Senile Human Performing Putrefaction Activities

  SENILITY (sĭ nĭl ĭ tē) n. The rotten fruit of the Tree of Life. See Vatican.

  SENTIMENT (sĕn tə mənt) n. That which allows a human who has butchered a family to take a moment to feed their entrails to the family dog.

  SERIOUSNESS (sîr ē əs nĭs) n. The absence of genius.

  SERMON (sûr mən) n. The part of a religious service during which human males sleep. See Pulpit.

  SEWER (sū ər) n. The human bloodstream.

  SEX (sĕks) n. 1. The mitosis of the original human (known as “woman”) into a bizarre “antiwoman” or “man,” having no breasts, no emotions and a grotesquely mutated clitoris. 2. The hilariously disgusting means by which humans reproduce themselves via the sewage portals of their flesh.

  COMMENTARY BY LORD SATAN

  When the pioneer Demon Abra Kadab (q.v.) first bio-engineered experimental human types, the sexual reproductiv
e method was favored because it instilled in the creatures a sense of belonging and attachment with each other, literally suckling off each other’s bodies, thus making them easier to trap and cook.