Finding Beautiful

by Amanda Kaitlyn

  “I want to. I just can’t help feeling like the floor’s going to come out from underneath me at some point. Gavin, good things don’t usually last for me.”

  Letting my hand go, he places two bills down on the table, then gets out of his seat and kneels beside me.

  “Can I take you somewhere, beautiful?”

  I nod, getting out of my seat. Gavin takes my hand in his and kisses my palm softly as we make our way out of the restaurant and, instead of leading me to the car, he walks toward the shoreline and onto the beach where I see the low tide.

  There’s a white cotton blanket laid out across the sand with a single red rose in the center of it. When I see it, my lips twitch and a smile is widening my mouth as Gavin lifts me easily into his arms. He sits us down and settles me in his lap so my legs are folded and I’m facing him. The need I see in his eyes takes my breath away.

  Seven

  “I KNOW YOU SAY THAT good things don’t last for you and I can’t promise you that this will. But I want to be with you, baby. I want to kiss you and touch you and cherish you. If this is moving too fast, just tell me and we can slow down. I’ll never push you, but I need you to be honest with me.” His voice is deep with emotion.

  I suck in a breath, not wanting to slow this down but needing to be completely honest now.

  “I’m sorry, Gavin. I do want to be with you and yes, this is fast but… it’s what I want, more than anything. I don’t want to slow this down.” I’m opening my heart to him, for better or for worse. I trust him.

  I see his exhalation of breath before he lifts his hands to my cheeks, holding my gaze to his. He searches my eyes, sees right through every defense I have around myself, and cuts through them to the very heart of me. This is the moment that I give myself to him. I lose the words I’m about to say when he pulls my face to his and lays those lips on mine.

  I breathe him in, clutching my hands in his hair. My tongue slips into his mouth, moves with his in a passionate dance. Need consumes me as my fingers tangle into his hair. His arms hold me tight to his chest and his hands grip the hem of my dress. When he sucks on my bottom lip, I moan. God, I feel my sex clench in desire. He nips softly at my lip and then slips his tongue into my mouth again, stealing my breath from my lungs. My arms wrap tightly around his neck. I need him now. I need to be his. Those hands of his urge my legs around his waist as he ravages my mouth with his mouth, his scent engulfing my senses. My head swims with my desire for this man, something that is new and exciting to me.

  “Aria, we should stop. I don’t want to push you,” he murmurs into the dip of my shoulder, laying light kisses and nips of his teeth over my neck and bare shoulder.

  I shake my head, biting down on his lip when he tries to pull away. He groans deep at the back of his throat and holds me to him while he stands. With my legs tight around his hips and my arms clasped around his neck, he carries me to the Jaguar and puts me in it on the passenger side.

  “Can I take you home?” His voice is velvet to my ears, so tender and soft.

  I shake my head, knowing Kel and Lucas are home. I don’t want any interruptions when we finally make love. When I finally give myself to him completely, I want it to be special. I want it to be right and perfect. With Gavin, I know it will be.

  “My place?” he asks, skating his hand down the slope of my neck.

  I nod eagerly and Gavin dips his head to kiss my lips quickly, his eyes alight with a smile. He closes the door and once he’s inside places a hand on my leg, squeezing gently, and revs the engine to life.

  My blood heats with anticipation as Gavin turns onto Rodrick Boulevard in East Side, then pulls up to an upscale apartment complex with what look like penthouse condominiums. The sign reads Jordan and Sons.

  “You live here?” I’m in awe of my surroundings.

  “Yes, I have a penthouse on the 23rd floor. It has a great view of the harbor.”

  Gavin parks in back of the complex. The alleyway is dimly lit and I look ahead where I see a back entrance I hadn’t noticed before.

  “Thank you,” I whisper when he opens my door for me and wraps his arm around my shoulders, leading us toward the entrance.

  “This way, I can avoid the crowds of reporters. Trust me, it’s not fun to be the center of the tabloids so I use this entrance to avoid it all.”

  I nod, knowing firsthand what he means. Whenever my mother gets back from one of her trips overseas our house is bombarded by reporters and photographers looking for a story on the world-famous Andrea Candice Morgan. It was exciting when I was younger, but now it’s just a hassle that I’d rather avoid.

  “I know how that feels. Whenever my mom comes home we’re surrounded by tabloid reporters. My house, the studio, even Julliard is swarming with hundreds of them.”

  He meets my eyes. His eyes are clear as he smiles down at me.

  “What’s your mother’s name?”

  “Andrea.”

  I can see the understanding register in his face when he realizes who she is.

  “I had no idea. She’s very successful, I’ve heard. Did you ever want to be a model?”

  He leads me down a corridor to a bank of elevators.

  “No, dance has always been my passion.”

  He shakes his head, pulling me into the elevator and kissing my temple, his arms wrapped around my waist from behind.

  “You’re an amazing dancer, beautiful. What does your dad do?”

  I snuggle into his embrace as the elevator ascends the floors.

  “He’s a carpenter and a mechanic. He’s always worked for everything he has.”

  Gavin runs his hands over my back, making my skin tingle in response.

  “You’re proud of him, I can hear it in your voice.”

  “Yes.” How could I not be? My dad is the best man I’ve ever known.

  The elevator stops and Gavin takes my hand, turning left toward a black door with a brass doorknob.

  “This is you?” I cock my head to the side in question.

  He nods and I bite my lip, excited to see his place.

  Gavin deftly unlocks the door and takes me inside, massaging my shoulders as I take in what I see. It’s nothing like I expected.

  The walls are painted an earthy brown, with hardwood floors throughout the living room and dining room areas. The furniture has a modern feel to it, with dark cherry side tables, an entertainment center with a flat-screen television that has to be at least fifty inches wide, and a white leather couch and sectional. There’s a red area rug across the space and a few modern art pieces along the walls. A round dining table that seats four matches the other wooden furniture and a brick fireplace with three picture frames above it complete the room. I walk over and run my hand along the mantel, seeing the care he takes of his furniture and space. There is nothing screaming “bachelor pad” to Gavin’s place. From the modern art, simple decor, and pictures on the mantel, I can see what this man values. The first frame holds a photo of him, dressed in dark jeans and a black V-neck tee, his arm wrapped around a girl looking to be about sixteen years old. She has long light brown hair and blue eyes a few shades lighter than his. She’s beautiful and looks a lot like Gavin. This must be his sister.

  “Is this Callie?” I ask, my eyes darting to Gavin’s before he steps behind me and nods with a warm smile across his face. I can see his love for her so clearly.

  “Yes, that was at her birthday party last year. We took her to Paris.”

  I turn around and place my hands on his chest.

  “This is very you, I like it.”

  He grins and runs the back of his hand against my cheek.

  “We don’t have to rush.”

  I nod, knowing that this will be the night that I’ll give myself to him. I want to be with him, feel his touch and his mouth on my body as I make love to him. But my only fear is that the horrible memories of Bryce and that last night will come back to me. I don’t know how I’d handle that.

  “Can we watch a movie?�
�� I ask, hoping he doesn’t notice my uneasiness. He nods and brings me over to the couch. He sits behind me, so his arms wrap around my stomach and I can feel his warmth. Without a word, the remote is placed in my hands.

  “You don’t want to pick?” My eyes go to his, narrowing in suspicion.

  “All yours, beautiful.” His warm voice encourages me.

  As I flick through the movie listings On Demand, I see Marley and Me and click on it.

  “Will you hate me if we watch a chick flick?” I tease, enjoying the feel of his arms. Gavin chuckles softly.

  “Not at all.”

  I start the movie and rest my chin against his chest, curling into his side.

  “Hmm, I like this,” I whisper, looking up at Gavin through my eyelashes. A slow, sexy smile spreads across his handsome face and he wraps his arms around my waist and nuzzles his nose against my neck. Soon the movie begins and we both turn, watching the screen.

  By the middle of the movie, my eyes start to get heavy so I rest my head on Gavin’s shoulder and drift.

  The pain radiated as he hit me hard across the face, his rings scratching me under my eye. He roughly tore my jeans down my legs and bit on my neck harshly. I cried out in pain, fighting to get away. He hit my face again and all too quickly slammed himself into me, his deathly strong hands keeping me beneath him.

  “No! No!” I begged for mercy, for him to let me go, but he covered my mouth with his hand and took my body forcefully. The pain of his hands gripping me tightly kept me quiet, but when he slammed into me, his long erect penis inside me, I screamed and screamed, helpless to be heard.

  “Stop! Stop… ”

  Tears course down my cheeks as my eyes open with panic soaring through me. Gavin’s hands shake me gently. His blue-gray eyes are filled with worry as he wipes the tears from my cheeks and grasps onto my shaking hands tightly, not letting me go.

  “Aria! Aria, you had a nightmare.” Dipping his head, he showers my face with soft kisses.

  My body is still shaking, trembling. I can’t seem to pull air in through my parted mouth.

  “Breathe, beautiful. Please just breathe.”

  Gavin places one of my hands across his chest and I feel his slowing heartbeat. I close my eyes and take a breath then slowly let it out. Feeling the beat of his heart begins to calm me.

  “You feel that?” he whispers, echoing the words I’ve heard before.

  “Yes.” My voice is frail with the aftershocks of fear and panic.

  “I’m right here, baby. I’m real.” His soothing voice breaks the weight in my chest and when I look back into his deep eyes, I feel safe. Finally, I feel safe.

  “This has to stop, Aria. I can’t see you hurting and be helpless to stop it. Please, talk to me.” His voice is begging me. I look up into his fearful eyes and crawl onto his lap. I bury my face into his neck and breathe him in, my tears soaking his tee shirt. Gavin wraps his arms around my back and lets me clutch onto him as the remnants of the nightmare play through my mind. He kisses the side of my face and strokes my hair while I breathe in and out.

  Once I calm down, I know that I have to tell him about Bryce. It terrifies me because I know he could judge me or pull away from me after knowing the reality of my nightmares.

  I lean away from his chest and wipe at my tears.

  “Just let me get this all out, okay?” It’s a plea. If I don’t get this out now, I fear I’ll never have the courage.

  His body tenses, his hand comes up to caress my cheek as he nods.

  “I won’t judge you, beautiful. I promise.”

  I nod, thankful for his nearness, and in his hand holding mine I find the strength to tell him what happened four months ago.

  “In my sophomore year in high school, I met Bryce. He was the quarterback on the football team, an A student, and I felt so special that he noticed me. I was a dance major and I liked him a lot, so maybe I didn’t see the warning signs that I should have.”

  Gavin’s blue-gray eyes take on a hardness as he sees where I could be leading, but I have to keep going. He squeezes my hand in reassurance, urging me to continue.

  “We dated for five months and he was so sweet, gentle, kind, and perfect, or so I thought. He was patient with me, waiting until I was ready, and when we did go all the way, it felt right. I loved him. When spring break arrived we made plans to spend it at his parent’s cabin. As time went on, he started to change. He wouldn’t let me leave his sight, he got angry easily, and he insisted I take leave from my classes and stay there with him. One night, I slipped out to see Kel, trying to get some distance from him, but when I came back, he’d been drinking. That was the first night he hit me.”

  Gavin goes stiff beside me and presses his forehead against mine, his eyes soft and tender and never looking away from me. His sincerity binds me to him in this moment.

  “I’m so sorry, beautiful.” He kisses my forehead, my cheek, and my nose, and cradles my head in his hands. I know I have to tell him all of it, so I smile weakly and continue.

  “I remember the pain more than anything else. And his eyes, they were brown, but when he got angry, they were so dark. He was a monster. He didn’t see me. The rage was all he saw. His eyes looked black. Afterward, he cried and begged me to forgive him and since I loved him, I did. I hid my bruises the best I could from then on, trying to be the perfect girlfriend to him. But on his birthday he saw me talking with his cousin, Shaun, and he lost it. He beat me so hard that night that eventually I blacked out. I was so confused and I blamed myself, thinking that I was provoking him like he’d said. When he proposed the next morning, I was so afraid of what he’d do if I rejected him that I said yes. He bought me a ring and told me to never take it off. But of course I did, on the last night that I lived with him. I put it on the kitchen table and decided I was done with being abused. I wanted out. I just had no idea how to get away from him.” I’m sobbing now, my body shaking again. I haven’t spoken about any of this, not even to Kel. It’s all too much, but I need to say it. All of it.

  Gavin’s eyes blaze with concern as a tear falls from my eye. I don’t want his pity. I don’t want him to look at me and see how truly broken I am.

  “It’s okay. You can tell me.” His hands wrap around my shoulders, rubbing circles with his thumbs. His touch is like a balm and I don’t hesitate to lean against the press of his hands.

  “He came raging into the bedroom. I knew what was coming. I tried, I promise, God, I tried to get away. I tried to calm him down, but he punched me and I fell backward. B-Bryce… he… ”

  I have to stop. The emotion is drowning me as I fall into Gavin’s warm chest. I’m a mess. Tears gather in my eyes and fall down my face. I can’t do this, I can’t… I’m not strong enough for this.

  “My beautiful, strong girl. I’ve got you. I have you.” Gavin wraps me up into his arms, tightly holding me to his chest as he presses his mouth to my forehead. He waits for me to calm myself, and then I raise my face to his. His blue and gray eyes are all I see, all I need to. I bite my lower lip in an effort to stop the sadness that’s been brought to the surface.

  A sob escapes me when I remember that night, his eyes, and the pain.

  So much pain, so many times I could have stopped the events that happened with the man I had thought was right for me. How could I have been so wrong, so dreadfully wrong?

  Sometimes I still blame myself for it all.

  “You can stop if you need to. You don’t have to… ”

  I shake my head and summon the courage inside me to keep going.

  “I need to,” I whisper, grasping his shoulders and holding onto this man that I know I’m falling in love with. After tonight, he’ll have my heart forever. I know that in my heart, even how much that notion scares me. I trust him with it and that’s what frees me to give him all of me. I hate that the bad stuff has to come first, before we can move on from it.

  “I blacked out that night and when I woke up, I was in his bed. He was on top of me, his
hands… were holding me down. I couldn’t get away.”

  Gavin shakes his head in panic, tightening his fists at his sides. I can see that his body is strung tight and his muscles are tense under my hands as I hold one of his hands in both of my much smaller ones. Though his eyes are soft and concerned, I see such anger in them.

  “God, no, Aria… ” His voice breaks then, emotion taking over every gorgeous angle in his face.

  “He r-raped me,” I choke, my voice barely over a whisper. I begin to sob, my hands clenching into my knees in an effort to calm myself. I feel Gavin shift so his knees surround mine and then, thank god, his hands scoop my palms to his lips. He kisses each of my knuckles so gently before he wraps those smooth fingers around my nape. He covers my face in soft kisses. From the creases under my eyes to the bottom of my jaw, no spot of skin is untouched. As he stands, I’m swept against his chest and Gavin carries me tightly in his arms. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I clutch onto him, finding comfort in the warmth of his neck.

  “I’m sorry… Aria, I’m so sorry,” Gavin murmurs, setting me down on the bed but never letting my hands go. My heart begins to race in sudden panic. What does he think of me now that I’ve told him?

  “If you want me to leave, I will. I know you didn’t sign up for this when you met me. I understand if… ” Gavin silences me with a tender kiss on the lips, his hands smoothing my hair.

  “Shh, I want you to stay. This, this doesn’t change anything, Aria.”

  I lean back, shocked, and see the emotion, the need in his eyes. Is he just saying that because he feels bad for me? Or does he truly mean it? I shift closer to him, opening his tensed fists at his sides. Anger won’t solve anything and I reuse to let him be hurt by my past.

  “What are you saying?” I run a hand over the stubble along his jaw, afraid to hope. Gavin’s arm is holding me close as if he’s afraid I’ll disappear.

  “Stay, beautiful. We don’t have to do anything tonight, but I don’t want to let you go yet.”