by Ali Parker
"It was nine years ago. The anniversary is coming up soon. I think the fact that he's living in his brother's shadow still after nine years is rather telling that something is off." He pulled the menu toward him. "I don't want you dating him."
"I'm not dating him, but let’s get something straight, mister." I tugged the menu away and narrowed my eyes on him. "I'll date who the fuck I want to."
"Did he tell you that he was the one that figured out it was a suicide? That his brother left him a note begging him not to fall in love because it would ruin him forever? Did he tell you that part or is that irrelevant to you guys?" The expression on my brother's face drove fear deep inside of me. "He's not going to love you. He won't let himself. Hear me right here and now. Lucas White is not the man for you, Aubrey. He's a lost soul. A loner. Okay?"
I nodded as tears filled my eyes. I understood all too clearly now why he was so withdrawn, but there were still too many holes in the story to close the door on hope.
If Lucas really was a lost soul, then I could only come to one conclusion.
I would go and find him. Save him. Heal him and make him whole again.
Even if it meant getting lost myself.
Chapter 22
Aubrey
I spent the rest of the day with my brother, trying to work through everything else he was dealing with, which was far more than I thought. I half expected Lucas to call or text, but when he didn't, I just resigned myself to letting him have his space.
Layla was gone when I got home later that night, but the note on her pillow said that she was visiting with her older sister who was in town. I got the invite to join them, but I wasn't in the mood for company. Being with Jayce all day had worn me out, and the only person I wanted didn't seem to want me.
I fell asleep after running through a million scenarios of how Lucas and I could make things work. Love was worth the effort, and I knew I was in love, but had no clue if his feelings extended that far. Guys were a mystery best left uncovered most days of the week.
This one was multi-layered and wrapped in a pair of stone-washed jeans. I smiled at the thought of forgoing the mystery and just getting to what was under the denim.
*
"All right. We got the kegs for later tonight and snacks. Did you guys get that adult blow up done yet?" I turned around in the living room of the Ice House as most of the guys stood around me. Preparing for the homecoming party was a pain in the ass, and yet everyone was humming with positive energy because of it.
"It's all done, my queen." Jessie bowed low to the ground as everyone chuckled.
"Good. One of you will have to help man that blow up. I don't want us to pay for it getting fucked up. Okay?" I glanced around the room. Jayce and Lucas were already up at the rink, and it was time for everyone else to head out too.
A resounding grumble filled the room and caused me to smile.
"Get out of here, and don't kill each other tonight." I laughed as they all ran past me toward the front door, most of them reaching up to high-five me or pop my butt.
Layla got up from the couch and stretched. "This party is going to be off the chain."
"Yeah. It should be fun. Let's just hope that no one does anything stupid." I moved through the living room to the kitchen to check everything one more time.
"William is off the team now, right?" Layla stopped in the open door to the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe.
"I think so. I'm not sure what's going on with him. Jayce was talking about it a little yesterday, but I didn't really ask about whether he was getting another chance or not." I turned and checked off the final items on my clipboard.
"He needs to be. Asshole."
"He's not that bad of a guy. He's just got a shit ton of pressure on him. You know his dad is running for the Senate, right?"
"Really?"
"Yes. Take my mom and multiply her by ten. That's his mom and dad. Both of them." I set the clipboard down and brushed my hands down the front of my jeans. "We ready to go?"
"Yeah." She pulled out the keys to her car. "I'll drive."
"Yeah, because I don't have a car," I laughed and followed her out. I had my reasons for not getting a car, but namely, the idea of having a way to run home to my parents every time my mother called was the main one. Without a mode of transportation, I was safe. Sort of.
"I didn't know Will had all that shit going on." She turned and waited on the porch beside the front door as I locked everything up.
"Most people don't. I know Jayce and Lucas do though, so hopefully they consider that before screwing him." I shrugged. "Or really, I guess he screwed himself. His drug problem has gotten out of hand. They might not kick him off the team, but they need to get him some help."
"I wouldn't even begin to know where to start looking for something like that." She walked down the stairs beside me. "The softball team has a help hotline, and we can talk to our coaches about anything, but other than that... I don't know."
"The dance program has the same, but I'm pretty sure they decided that putting McCraven as the Dean of the dance program that no one would even consider fucking up. Having to deal with her is far too much of a punishment."
We laughed and got in the car to head up to the rink. The homecoming game was always laid back and a time for everyone to enjoy the night together. The hockey team would put on some funny skits and antics on the ice during half time, and the seniors would be recognized. My heart ached in my chest at the thought of hearing Lucas' name called with the others that would be leaving soon.
"Did you talk to Lucas yesterday?" Layla asked as we pulled up to the rink.
"No. I'm not sure what I would have said anyway. I'm still trying to figure out where we stand." I shrugged and parked the car.
"Well, you better stand somewhere, or I'll kick his ass." She unbuckled and gave me a stern look.
I laughed. "I thought you said I had nothing to worry about, that he was the one."
"He should be the one, but you know how stupid guys are sometimes. Make sure you talk to him today or tonight at the party. Feel him out and see what's going on."
"Maybe. I just want to enjoy the festivities as best I can." I got out of the car and walked toward the ice rink along with half the school. "It's going to be crazy in here tonight."
"Aubrey! Layla!"
I turned to see Emily Campbell jogging toward us. A smile lifted my lips as she wrapped me in a tight hug. We'd been friends since our first dance class at six years old. Where I'd continued on with it, she decided to go a different route and picked up cheerleading. Between my schedule and hers, we rarely got to see each other anymore.
"Emily. Hey girl." I squeezed her and turned to see her boyfriend sauntering up. Ugh. Brody Jackson had to be one of the biggest assholes on campus.
"Hey pretty girl." He smiled at me and wagged his eyebrows.
I ignored him and turned back to Emily. "If you lose the baggage, you can sit with us tonight."
She blushed and shook her head. "No, I'm good. Stop hating on my man."
We laughed as she moved back over to Brody, wrapping her arms around his side as they walked into the rink together. He hadn't stopped checking me and Layla out, which was enough to make my skin crawl.
"How did such a great girl end up with such a douche-nozzle?" Layla elbowed me and pointed to the rink. "There're our boys."
Jayce and Lucas raced around the rink, cutting across the ice and sending snow into the air. Neither of them seemed particularly happy to be doing it, but the night was young. They both had far too much on their minds and would hopefully loosen up.
I turned as Brody winked at me and kissed the side of Emily's head. "I didn't bring my wallet tonight, babe. You got this?"
"Um, yeah. Sure." She dug in her purse as I rolled my eyes and turned back to Layla.
"I hate that fucker. We need to set Emily up with a good guy."
"Agreed. Me first though. You get Lucas and I get your brother." Layla looped her
arm with mine as we moved up to the edge of the ice.
"Gross," I mumbled and waved at Jayce to come over.
He grabbed Lucas' arm and they both skated over, stopping in front of us.
"Everything ready for tonight?" Lucas asked as his eyes moved around my face.
"Of course it is. We double-checked everything and locked up out there." I wanted to reach out and touch the side of his face, to pull him down for a long kiss, but it shouldn't have been my action to take. It should have been his.
"Excellent. You girls enjoy the show." He winked at me and turned to skate off.
I wasn't sure what I was expecting from him, but my heart sank a little at not getting much of anything.
"You okay?" Jayce eyed me as Layla turned to greet another group of our friends.
"Yeah. I'm great. Just excited for you guys." My eyes moved out to watch Lucas for a few more seconds. "Is he okay?"
"He's a little off today." Jayce turned around and let out a sigh. "Did you sleep together?"
"What? That's none of your fucking business." I pushed at my brother's chest as anger burned up the inside of me. "I can't believe you even asked that."
"I'm sorry. Shit. I'm just worried, Aubrey. He was in the gym for three hours this morning. He's been a dick all day, which isn't completely out of the norm, but he's got a big couple of weeks coming up. He needs to keep focused, or everything he's worked for is down the drain." Jayce turned back to me and shook his head. "Not that you're a distr-"
"Fuck you." I turned and walked up the bleachers as my brother called to me from the rink. I dropped down next to Layla and pursed my lips to keep from crying.
"What was that about?" She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and shook her fist in the direction of my brother.
"I'm apparently a distraction for Lucas' future all of a sudden. I'm just trying to figure out who that message is coming from. My overprotective brother or Lucas."
Where one was worse than the other, they both stung me all the same.
Chapter 23
Lucas
I couldn't concentrate worth shit during the whole game. The crowd had a blast thinking that I was putting on a show when the reality was that I needed to find a quiet place to get away from everyone. I missed most of my shots and busted my ass twice during the evening, but the guys saved me by playing it all off.
"Thank God that shit is over." Jayce moved past me in the hallway on the way to the locker room. "You better get your head together quick. That was fucking ridiculous."
"I'm sorry man. I-"
He whipped around on me and grabbed the front of my jersey. "You what? You fucked up? Yeah. You did."
I pulled back from him and stood in stony silence. He was pissed over Will, hurt over Aubrey and furious with my lack of involvement lately. He was my best friend. Fuck, my only friend. I owed him more.
"Jayce." I moved into the locker room.
"Not now. Find me after I've had ten beers and we'll talk." He gave me a hard look and turned his back on me.
Had Aubrey told him about us getting together? Had she cried to him about the idea of us not getting together? What was I missing? It was driving me bat-shit crazy. I hadn't thought about much more than her over the last two days. The warm press of her big breasts against my stomach, her tongue lapping at my cock while I buried my face against her wet skin.
Fuck. I growled and jerked my locker open with force. I had to figure things out and fast.
"Party time, Ice King!" Jessie squeezed my shoulders from behind and jumped around.
"I'll meet you guys there, all right?" I glanced over my shoulder. "I need to make a quick stop off first."
"Yeah, sure, dude." Jessie smiled and moved into the middle of the room, yelling and causing a ruckus. The rest of the guys joined him, but much like I expected, Jayce had his head tucked in his locker too. I needed to fix everything before the tournament. Hopefully with Spring Break being the next week I would have time to pull him aside and clean some shit up.
Lizzy slipped in front of me and pressed her back to my open locker. Her breasts rubbed against my chest as she gripped my hips and smiled. "You mine tonight?"
"Probably not, pretty girl. I'm thinking about asking someone out here pretty soon." I touched her chin and smiled at her. She needed a good man too, but it wasn't me. The poor girl thought sex was the end all be all, but she probably had no clue how much pleasure came from being with someone you loved. Hell, I barely did either, but the passion between me and Aubrey told me that it would be explosive.
"Clean out your-" Aubrey stopped at the entrance to the locker room as she started to make an announcement and paused.
I realized I had Lizzy pressed to my locker and my hand on her face a moment too late. I jerked back like I'd been burnt.
"-lockers and make sure you bring home your dirty uniforms. We're washing this weekend before Spring Break. You don't do it now, you're on your own." She turned and walked out of the room without another glance my way.
"Fuck," I grumbled and tugged Lizzy out of the way. "Go on out there, Liz. I'll see you there, okay?"
"Yeah, sure. You okay? Did I do something wrong?" Her voice softened.
"No. Not at all. Get a ride with Jessie and make sure the guys behave, okay?" I smiled at her as my heart shattered in my chest. Aubrey would assume the worst by what she saw, fuck, anyone would.
I threw my bag over my shoulder and moved out of the locker room. Jayce called my name, but I ignored him. I didn't have time for anything else but catching up to my girl and telling her that there was nothing between me and Lizzy. I growled at the thought of her seeing me come out of the back bedroom a week or so before after having Lizzy suck me off. I was in deep shit with this one, and it looked like more than it was.
"Aubrey?" I called to her and tried to move through the crowd of people, but couldn't find her anywhere. "Shit."
Heading out to the house was my best bet for finding her. I just had to make a quick stop off at the cemetery, which was out of the way, but a necessity. It'd been nine years since he left me to fend for myself. Time to pay homage like I did every year that same day to his memory.
The need to text Aubrey to come with me played along my mind's eye, but I let it go. She didn't need any more of my baggage, of my shit. Hell, I didn't need it. Too bad I was stuck living my life and not someone else's.
*
I crushed a yellow daisy between my fingers and glanced up at the moon as I stood above my brother’s grave. The night was quiet, and the breeze cool, which aided in calming my torrential mood. I had some things to fix with the people in my life that had come to matter most, but the idea of putting myself fully out there scared me to death.
"Maybe she's different," I whispered and closed my eyes. How many times had Bret warned me about dating a girl that had the possibility to drown me in need? Too many, and I was just a kid back then. I'd dated over the years, but never found someone that forced me to feel so fucking much. No one like Aubrey. And now after avoiding her for three years, I was diving in at the last moment? The make-it or break-it moment?
The sound of footsteps behind me caused my heart to skip a beat. I glanced over my shoulder to see my mother walking up. I let out a painful sigh and turned back to Bret's headstone.
"Dad with you?" I mumbled as she moved up to my left.
"No. It's just me. We came this morning and put these flowers out, but your dad's locked up in his study. You know he has a really hard time with this." She crossed her arms over her chest and lifted her chin to the sky.
I glanced over at her, needing so badly to hear that I was enough, and yet I would never ask. My mother was nothing more than a shell thanks to my brother’s selfishness. I loved him with all my heart and fucking hated him in the same breath. He destroyed us. All of us.
I took a shaky breath and turned back to study his name, the date, the small inscription that he would be missed.
"I wish I could take it all away. You know?"
Her voice was a sullen whisper, lifeless and monotone.
"Bret's death?" I brushed my hand by my nose as my eyes filled with tears. It was easy to be there alone and let myself go, but seeing my mother trying to hold it together and knowing how badly she was hurting... I wasn't going to leave unscathed.
"No, baby." She turned to look at me as tears rolled down her cheeks. "The pressure we've put on you. Bret made his decision to take his life that night. And after that, we took yours too. Can you ever forgive me, Luke?"
I nodded, but remained frozen in place. "Of course."
"I haven't figured out how to live without him, but I think part of me dying that day left a gap between me and you." She turned to face me, and I reached over and took her hand into mine, squeezing it softly. "I don't want that anymore. I can't survive this life without knowing that you’re happy and whole again."
I moved toward her as she opened her arms to me and pressed my face against her shoulder as she started to cry. I felt fourteen again. The funeral. The wailing and screaming. The lack of anyone to offer me comfort. No one even asked if I was all right or offered condolences. And they hadn't since.
"Please forgive me. Please," she whispered against the side of my neck as she shook.
I wrapped my arms around her and nodded, unable to get a word out. We stood there for a long time, holding each other, reconnecting and trying to make sense of what happened over the last nine years. It was thawing the numbness, the darkness that left both of us iced over.
"You okay?" She touched my face as we moved to stand in front of my bike. "I mean in general. Are you doing okay at school? With your decisions of what's coming next?"
"I think the path’s already set." I shrugged and slipped my hands in my pockets. I was broken and exhausted. It was time to go home and sleep for a week.
