When Memory Fails

by D. W. Marchwell

  With the smile firmly fixed on his face, he turned back to listen to Rose, who was explaining about the family vacations that they used to take when the children were still in elementary school. Despite being native to British Columbia, Scott had not heard of most of the places Rose mentioned and found himself asking a question or two about them. He was surprised to learn that John and Rose had spent most of their vacations visiting other provinces and even a few of the states south of the border. Of course, Scott was also envious, not having really been outside the province until he’d moved away at eighteen years of age.

  When there was a lull in the conversation, Jeff came back in to clear some more dishes and invite everyone to the living room for coffee. Scott’s curiosity got the better of him and, offering to help clear the remaining dishes, he followed Jeff into the kitchen, wanting to see what Hank was doing. He saw Hank, at least an inch or two taller than his father, standing in front of John and gesturing emphatically. He didn’t read lips, but when Hank got that look on his face, he didn’t need to. Hank was being pushed and was trying hard not to push back.

  Scott noticed the discussion wasn’t exactly amiable and considered going outside to see if the situation needed defusing. He was on his way, but then Sandra came into the kitchen.

  “Scott?” Sandra practically ran to him and grabbed him by the arm. “Come on into the living room. Mom has some things she wants to show you.”

  “Sure,” Scott said with a smile, glancing over his shoulder. “I just want to go out and see if Hank is okay. He looks upset.”

  “He’s fine,” Sandra said with a wave of her hand. “Come on.”

  “He does not look fine, Sandra.” Scott backed up and away from Sandra’s reach. “It looks like they’re arguing.” A quick glance out the patio door showed that neither Hank nor John was speaking. Hank was shaking his head.

  “And it’s none of your business.”

  Scott wasn’t sure what to do or what to say. Isn’t this the same woman who told me it was my business when I called her weeks ago? Scott couldn’t help but wonder what had changed her mind or whether she’d ever meant all the things she’d said to him over the phone. He didn’t want to offend Hank’s family, but he felt as if Sandra was intentionally trying to keep him from going out there to check on Hank. Should he let her have it, in her own house? Or should he say nothing and just go out anyway? Finally, Scott decided to find a more neutral position and deal with Sandra’s ulterior motives later on. “Please don’t tell me what is and is not my business. I’d like to go out and see if Hank is okay.”

  “Scott?”

  Scott heard Rose’s voice just moments before she entered the kitchen, her face going immediately pale as she saw what Scott had seen. As Hank neared the patio door, Rose pulled her sweater a little closer around her shoulders and opened the door without a word for Scott or Sandra. Scott heard John calling for his son, saw Hank ignoring him. Before Rose could shut the door all the way, he heard Rose chastising them both. Happy that his point had been made for him, Scott smiled at Sandra and walked back to the living room, telling himself that Hank would certainly tell him later.

  An hour later, Hank was sitting in the armchair, his father in the other, while Sandra found more and more distractions for Scott. There were the photo albums of her family, photo albums of her family with both sets of grandparents, photo albums of her family with Kathy’s, and photo albums of every play, recital, Christmas concert, and church gathering her two children had ever attended or participated in.

  Finally, after Hank yawned for the fifth time, Scott announced that he would need to get the two of them to the hotel before he himself grew too tired to drive safely.

  Back at the hotel, at three in the morning, Scott was still awake, unable to stop looking at Hank. He’d waited for Hank to explain what the raised voices in the backyard had been about, but Hank was peculiarly silent on the topic. And at about midnight, Scott had finally realized that Hank was probably trying to protect his feelings. Scott had initiated this, and it was not going well. Hank didn’t want to make his lover feel guilty by letting him know that his butting in would not have the expected outcome.

  Or perhaps Rose had been able to calm the two men down by going outside. There had been talk of football games and seasons tickets, but Scott wasn’t really sure if it was posturing or if Rose had actually smoothed things over between the two men. Either way, Scott thought to himself through a yawn, I don’t think there’s going to be a happy ending here.

  There were only two possible outcomes for this particular turn of events, Scott reckoned, neither of them appealing in any way. But if Scott had to endure one, he would sooner see his own heart broken than see Hank’s broken again by the scheming that he seemed, or chose, not to notice. Scott would sooner suffer a thousand heartbreaks than ever see the hope go out of those beautiful eyes.

  Chapter 8

  “SCOTT?”

  Scott looked over at Kari, and he flushed when he saw the look of concern on her face. He wondered how many times she’d called him. He stole at glance at Brian and then looked away quickly. He’d never been able to hide anything from his brother, and that look on Brian’s face told Scott that they would probably be having a discussion very soon. What was he supposed to say when that time arrived? I don’t trust Hank’s sister and father would probably make him sound paranoid or, worse yet, jealous that he no longer had the handsome logger all to himself.

  “Sorry?” Scott forced a smile and tried to look a little less woeful, as if it should not surprise anyone that he wasn’t always upbeat and perky.

  “I asked if you’d like some more coffee,” Kari said, her smile making Scott lonely for Hank.

  “No, thank you,” Scott said with a small shake of his head. He noticed Brian and Kari exchange a look and hoped that they wouldn’t be asking any of the million questions Scott’s mood was probably raising.

  “We have something to tell you,” Brian said, leaning forward and resting his forearms on the table. “We wanted to wait and tell you and Hank when you two were together, but something tells me you could use some good news right now.”

  “It’s nothing,” Scott said, starting to cut off the questions before they could be voiced. “I’m just fine—”

  “Scooter, we know you’re not, but if you don’t want to talk about it, we won’t.” Brian said, holding up one hand in a sign of surrender.

  “I’m sorry I’m ruining the evening.” Scott sighed as he raked one hand through his blond locks.

  “Don’t be silly,” Kari protested. “You’ve ruined nothing. We’re just sorry to see you so gloomy.” Kari reached out her hand, and Scott leaned forward to take it. She glanced at her husband. “But we have something that, well, we hope will make you feel better.”

  Scott watched as Kari nodded at Brian. “Come on,” his brother said. “Let’s go sit in the living room.”

  “It’s twins!” Scott said, his gaze darting back and forth between the happy couple. “I knew it, I—”

  “It’s not twins.” Brian chuckled as he came to his brother’s side and nudged him to the sofa.

  When everyone was seated, Scott looked first at Brian and then at Kari, wondering why they were taking so long to deliver this great news. “So what is it, then?”

  “We’re going on the assumption that the baby is a boy, and….” Brian looked at his wife. “We wanted to name him Matthew Isaac.”

  “In honor of you and Hank,” Kari added as Scott felt his eyes stinging a little and his jaw dropping slowly. “Both of your middle names.” Kari looked as if her eyes were getting a little misty as well. “You’re the reason we’re together.” She reached out and let her arm rest on her husband’s forearm.

  “If it hadn’t been for watching you give yourself completely to Hank and being so willing to trust him, I don’t think I ever would have had the nerve to ask Kari to marry me.”

  “And…,” Kari said, stopping as if she was anticipating a drumrol
l or some sort of fanfare. “We would like you and Hank to be godparents, along with Sheila.”

  Scott heard all the words, knew what they meant, and even knew what his response should be, but when he opened his mouth, expecting to tell them how honored he would be, the only sound that came out was some odd little wailing sound. And within a couple of seconds, his brother was sitting beside him, comforting him as he’d done so many times when they were younger. The only difference that Scott felt was that even Brian wouldn’t be able to make all the confusion and suspicion go away. Even Brian wouldn’t be able to make Hank stay if he didn’t want to.

  And so Scott sat there, trying very hard to pull himself together, quite certain that both his brother and sister-in-law were a little miffed that their generous and beautiful gesture had been met with tears and hysteria. “I’m sorry,” Scott said after a few moments. “Thank you, that’s such a beautiful thing for you to do. I’d love to be Matthew’s godparent.”

  “I’m going to go make some more coffee, and then you’re going to start talking.” Brian brushed the hair off Scott’s forehead. “Sit,” Brian said to Kari with a smile. “I’ll make some more tea for you as well.”

  Scott looked over at Kari. “I warned you that he was bossy.” He tried to offer a laugh, but it ended up sounding more like a prolonged hiccup. But he felt better. The relief that Scott felt was almost immediate and only heightened when Kari moved to sit down beside him. “I’m sorry, Kari. I guess I shouldn’t have come tonight. Spoiling the moment like that.”

  “Well, that’s just ridiculous,” Kari announced quite firmly, her fingers feeling cool and welcome against his flushed cheeks. “How long have you been trying to keep all of this inside you?”

  “I didn’t want to seem paranoid or crazy or like I was jealous of Hank spending time with his family.” Scott put his hand on top of Kari’s, the one she’d just let rest on Scott’s forearm. “Didn’t want to see the look of pity.”

  “Not pity,” Brian announced as he came back with two mugs, one for his wife, the other for his brother, and returned for his own mug. “You know what it does to me to see you upset.” And Scott did know, far too well. When he had had troubles as a teenager, he usually tried to hide them from Brian, who wanted to run out and solve the problem himself, even at the expense of his own happiness.

  “I know,” Scott said as he took a sip of the strong coffee. “Which is another reason I didn’t want to burden you.”

  “Burden me?” Brian said, taking the spot on the other side of his brother. “You’ve never been a burden to me, Scooter. You’re my family.”

  Scott looked over at Kari, wondering if she would be insulted at that comment. “And mine,” Kari added. “I still remember how lost and alone I felt when Brian was in that hospital bed.” Scott could see the tears forming in Kari’s eyes again. “And then you barged into the room, and within a few moments, you had me laughing, actually laughing, and feeling like everything would be alright.” Kari wrapped both her hands around Scott’s and squeezed. “And it was.”

  “I was so mad at you,” Scott said to his brother. “If you hadn’t already had a head injury, I would have given you one. I couldn’t believe that you knew she loved you and you just let her hang there.”

  “I was an idiot.” Brian looked sufficiently cowed. “And scared and apprehensive and timid….” Brian looked over at his wife and smiled. “If it hadn’t been for my baby brother, the Tasmanian Devil, I don’t think I would have ever done anything about my feelings for Kari.” Brian adjusted his position on the sofa so that he was leaning against the back, put an arm around his brother’s shoulders, and continued. “I always envied that about you, Scooter. You could walk into a room and have everyone totally in love with you within five minutes. Me? It usually took me five minutes just to walk into the room.”

  “You’re a very special person, Scott. You remind me a lot of my Justis. When he loves someone or something, he does it with everything he is, everything he has.”

  Scott looked up and smiled at Kari, leaning forward and putting a kiss on her soft cheek. “Thank you, but I don’t know if it will be enough this time. Maybe I was just naïve in thinking that Hank wouldn’t lose interest in me.”

  “Lose interest?” Brian actually balked and brought his arm, and Scott’s head, toward himself, kissing Scott’s temple. “I don’t think he’s lost interest, Scott. I may not be gay, but love is love, and the way he looks at you…. Well, I’ll never believe that he would give you up for anything.”

  “Why do you think he’s lost interest in you?”

  Scott studied Kari’s face. He didn’t really have an answer for her, other than the ramblings of his confused thoughts, so he shrugged. “Last week, he went to the game with his father, and… I was actually really happy for him. I didn’t trust his father had changed, and I still don’t think he has, and then….” Scott took another sip of his coffee, trying to find the right words. “This is the fourth time he’s left me to spend time with his father.” Another sip, more searching for the right words. “And each time he comes back, he’s less open, less… Hank. There’s always some stupid reason that I can’t come, and Hank never questions him or wonders why his father can never get three tickets or why I couldn’t come along to go fishing. Never.” Scott calmed himself somewhat. “And there’s that conversation they had out in the backyard. When Rose went out to speak to both of them.” Scott realized he was reciting facts that neither Brian nor Kari would know about, but they didn’t seem too worried about those little details, so he continued. “I saw Hank arguing and just assumed he would tell me, but he won’t talk about it.”

  “Maybe he’s just working things out for himself, trying to figure out how to rearrange everything.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of,” Scott admitted, his voice catching. “That there’ll be no more room for me.”

  “Nonsense,” Kari scolded, her voice a mere whisper. “I agree with Brian. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He adores you.”

  “Thank you,” Scott said, his smile sad and unconvinced. “I wish I were as confident as you two.”

  “He’s never given any indication to me that anything has changed,” Brian said, and Scott knew he was trying to be reassuring. But Scott knew that Hank wouldn’t necessarily confide in Brian. He was always far too conscious of the fine line between boss and employee to discuss his personal life with Brian. “His work hasn’t suffered, and work’s just as hard.” Brian pulled his arm from Scott’s shoulders, taking a moment to squeeze the back of his brother’s neck. “And as for fishing, do you remember the time Dad took us to Bamfield? I was twelve, I think, and you were only six.” Scott was enjoying the glint in his brother’s eyes as he told this story. “Mom was off visiting her parents in Cowichan, and Dad had spent weeks planning this trip.” Brian laughed and pointed a thumb at Scott while looking at Kari. “This one gets up early and takes all of the worms that we were going to use as bait and buries them in the ground, thinking that they’d come back to life and live happily ever after.” Brian looked down at his own hands as he finished the story. “Dad was so pissed at you, but then he found you off a distance in the woods, huddled up into a tight little ball, your arms wrapped so tightly around your knees, crying softly, all alone there in the woods.” Brian looked up at his brother. “You’d been crying because you couldn’t save the worms, couldn’t bring them back to life.”

  Scott heard a little sniffle and looked over at Kari. She was smiling, but her eyes were moist again.

  “Dad didn’t have the heart to punish you. He felt like a shit, thinking he’d damaged you in some way.” Brian put his hand on Scott’s knee and squeezed. “I heard him telling Mom after she got back that you’d been so excited until you realized that the worms were already dead and the fish would be too.” Brian took his hand back and looked into his brother’s eyes. “You’re still that little boy in some ways, Scooter. Still can’t stand to see anything hurting. You still think it�
�s up to you to make it all better.”

  “It didn’t do us any good as we got older, did it?” Scott took another sip of his coffee and leaned forward to put the mug on the coffee table. “Not even the two of us together could make Dad happy after….”

  “But that’s far too much to ask of two young boys like you were.” Kari’s hand went to her belly, and Scott realized for the first time that this all might be too much for Kari, that he should probably leave before he upset her any more. As if she sensed his imminent departure, Kari placed her hand on his arm and held it there. “You were supposed to be playing and having fun and getting dirty and building forts… not trying to make your father happy.” Kari loosened her grip on Scott’s arm but did not remove it. “For what it’s worth, I think Hank would be a fool to let his family come between you.”

  “Thank you, Kari,” Scott said, taking a deep breath and pushing himself off the sofa. He leaned down and kissed his sister-in-law and hugged his brother when Brian stood up as well. “Thank you, both of you. I’m sorry I ruined your evening.”

  Brian grunted as he held Scott in a tight embrace. “No more of that. You didn’t ruin anything.” Brian let go and walked with his brother to the door. “I have a favor to ask. I’ll be off for a couple of days to travel to Vancouver to meet some potential clients.” Brian turned to look at his wife. “Could you come and check on Kari for me? I’ll be calling her, but I’ll feel better if I know you’re close. And….” Brian’s voice got that tone that Scott recognized from their childhood, the one that told Scott that Brian was going to be making an offer no one could possibly refuse. “She’s been wanting someone to go with her to look at baby furniture and curtains and… stuff.”

  Scott rolled his eyes and looked over at Kari. “I can’t believe I have to point this out again,” he harrumphed as he returned his circumspect eyes back to his brother. “Like I told you when you asked me to help Kari plan the wedding… not all gay men like doing that kind of stuff. I wouldn’t know the first thing about patterns and diapers and what furniture to buy.”