Dave Barry’s Only Travel Guide You’ll Ever Need

by Dave Barry

  Oklahoma

  The frontier spirit of this dynamic state is best summed up by the Official State Song, from the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical Oklahoma, which begins:

  Oooo-klahoma If I can MAKE it there, I’ll make it Any where!

  This feeling dates back to the famous Oklahoma land rush of the 1880’s, when the government opened Oklahoma for settlement and many would-be settlers came in “sooner” than they were supposed to, thereby earning Oklahoma its proud nickname, “The Nutmeg State.” Modern Oklahoma boasts both plant and animal life as well as the National Softball Hall of Fame, where every day from nine A.M. until six P.M. visitors may get into bitter, sometimes violent arguments over basically nothing. Oklahoma’s Official State Mystery Food

  Additive is Sodium Erythorbate.

  Oregon

  Oregon is called “The Beaver State,” although the University of Oregon team nickname is the “Ducks,” which led to the following actual headline in the Seattle Times when an Oregon women’s team lost to a team from the University of Washington (the “Huskies”):

  HUSKY WOMEN SUBDUE DUCKS

  The major industry in Oregon is trying to locate a tree that does not have an ecologist wrapped around it and then cutting it down and selling it to Japan to be converted into price stickers and pasted onto car windows for sale in the United States. interesting Oregon sights include salmon, which every year return from the Pacific Ocean tO swim up rivers, battling fierce currents, waterfalls, and hungry predators, until finally the survivors reach their spawning area, where, driven by an eons-old instinct, they realize that they forgot to bring the eggs.

  Pennsylvania

  Pennsylvania is a very historical state, especially Philadelphia, where on July 4, 1776, the Founding Fathers, defying the King and risking execution as traitors, held the Boston Massacre. Visitors to Philadelphia may see the famous Liberty Bell, which was built in 1776 for the fledgling American republic by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, but which never really rang right because of a crack. Other Popular Pennsylvania attractions include: Pennsylvania Dutch Country, where visitors may see authentic tourists eating and looking around for Amish people to stare at; and Hershey, home of the world-famous Acne Hall of Fame. Pennsylvania’s Official State Salad Dressing is ranch.

  Rhode Island

  Although it is the smallest state in the union, Rhode Island is nevertheless one of the least interesting.

  Ha ha! We are just joshing, of course. This dynamic state is a vacation paradise, boasting a population, an average annual rainfall, and historical significance. For example, the Quonset hut was invented here. The official State Bird (we are not making this up) is a chicken.

  South Carolina and Dakota

  Living up to their proud nickname, “The States Whose Names Begin With ‘South’,” these two states offer an endless variety of dynamic places to visit, the most popular one being the Parris Island Marine Corps Recruit Depot, where visitors are welcome to lie face-down in the mud for six weeks while being yelled at by men with no foreheads. A major historic site is Fort Sumter, where in 1861 Confederate troops fired the fateful shots that struck Mount Rushmore, causing the formation of giant rock formations shaped like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and Roger Maris. Also do NOT miss the spectacular Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota, which is redecorated each fall with giant murals made from corn, expressing the theme: “We are going out of our minds up here.”

  Tennessee

  Although Tennessee is what geographers call “a long, skinny state,” it was nevertheless able for many years to contain Elvis Presley, whose Memphis home, Graceland, draws millions of visitors to marvel at The King’s awesome legacy in the field of interior decoration, including a large room with a color scheme based entirely on digestive enzymes. Music lovers will also want to make a “beeline” for Nashville, home of the Grand Old Opera, which stages works by Wagner, Verdi, and Johnny Paycheck (“Take This Ring Trilogy and Shove It”). Tennessee also contains the Oak Ridge nuclear facility, where a 1957

  laboratory mishap resulted in the Great Smoking Mountains. There are many other dynamic points of interest you’ll want to see, but be on the lookout for the Tennessee Valley Authority, which is a very large man named Earl M. Potash, Jr. Do exactly what he says.

  Texas

  Texas used to be the largest state, but because of Alaska, it no longer is. Texans are still very touchy about this, so you should be sensitive when you discuss it with them. “What a large state this is, despite being nowhere NEAR as large as Alaska!” is a sensitive remark you might want to make. Although today Texas is modern and, of course, dynamic, it is proud Of its cowboy tradition, which can still be seen in the form of men wearing comical hats. One of the most important historical attractions is the Alamo, the famous San Antonio mission where, in 1836, a small, brave band of Texans formed the nation’s first car-rental franchise, which can still be seen today. Visitors are also welcome to the Lyndon B. Johnson Library, but they avoid it anyway. Texas also contains many scenic hills and rivers, although nothing like what you see in Alaska (Which is much larger than Texas). The official State Symptom is irregularity.

  Utah

  Utah (“The Party State”) draws millions of fun-lovers every year to such dynamic attractions as the Great Salt Lake, where visitors may experience the excitement of getting salt all over themselves, followed by the excitement of trying to wash it off. They may not, however, put it in their foods, as seasonings are prohibited by law in Utah, along with alcohol, cigarettes, liquor, coffee, tea, and breath mints. The Cocaine, on the other hand, is distributed free. The official State Theoretical Particle is the quark.

  Vermont

  (See “New Hampshire.”)

  Virginia

  When we think about all the history that has occurred in Virginia, we become so overwhelmed that we have to lie down on the sofa and yell for somebody to bring us a cold beer. Virginia was the site of North America’s first permanent English colonist, James Town, as well as the first House of Burgesses, which was a house where they kept female burges. Tobacco was invented in Virginia, as well as George Washington and seven other U.S. presidents: Jefferson, Monroe, Jefferson, Madison, Park, Lexington, and Third Avenue. The Civil War also occurred in Virginia in a number of national parks. Visitors may witness authentic demonstrations of all of these events, as well as a reenactment of the discovery of the radial tire, at Colonial Williamsburg, where each day men and women wearing authentic eighteenth-century costumes attempt to scratch themselves without anybody noticing. “Dynamic” is a word we would like to include in this sentence.

  Washington

  Washington is nicknamed “The Evergreen State” because it sounds better than “The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State.” The largest city, Seattle, is one of the nation’s most dynamic and fast-growing urban areas, with thousands of people arriving each week to enjoy a lifestyle that includes an abundant natural supply of slugs. Mount Rainier, an extraordinarily beautiful volcanic peak some fifty miles from the city, blew up in 1963, but nobody in Seattle is aware of this yet because the weather has been pretty cloudy. Seattle also features a giant Space Needle, which is connected via a monorail to a giant Space Catheter. Washington’s Official State Battery Size is AAA.

  Washington, D.C.

  As an American, you owe it to yourself to visit the nation’s capital, because this is your city, where your government spends trillions of your dollars on dynamic programs such as National Intestinal Blockage Month, administered by your government workers in buildings that you can’t go into because you don’t have a pass. But you can visit many inspirational tourist sites, including the Richard M. Nixon Monument (currently missing) and the Tomb of the Unknown Internal Revenue Service Employee Who is Supposed to Answer the Taxpayer Assistance Hot Line. You may also visit the White House any time, day or night, simply by pounding on the front gate and shouting vague irrational threats. Another popular Washington s
top is the Supreme Court, where the justices frequently ask the spectators to help them decide a tough case by registering their opinions on the Applause-O-Meter. And be sure to visit your congressperson’s office, where you are welcome to take some souvenir furniture. Your congressperson probably won’t notice. Your congressperson is probably in Paris.

  West Virginia

  The appeal of this dynamic, rugged state is perhaps best described by the words of mega-weenie John Denver, who sang:

  Almost heaven? West Virginia?

  West Virginia has long been a major attraction for tourists who are seeking to escape from their “nine-to-five” office-bound jobs for a chance to get out in the country and mine some coal. West Virginia’s residents are all very friendly and closely related. You can meet them “up close and personal” during the state’s annual Deliverance Canoe Trip and Pig Imitation Festival. West Virginia’s Official State Toilet Part is the flapper.

  Wisconsin

  Wisconsin (“The Moo State”) is of course best known for being highly cow-intensive, but this state has much more to offer the visitor, as is shown by the following actual quotation from the Wisconsin article in World Book Encyclopedia: “The state is a leader in canning peas.” There is little that we can add to describe the raw excitement of this dynamic state, except to say that (1) the malted milk was invented in Wisconsin in 1887, and (2) a Wisconsin store once sold us a rubber hat shaped like a giant wedge of cheese, and quite frankly, when we were wearing that hat we could have had any woman we wanted (Not that we ever did). Wisconsin’s Official State Interjection is “Huh.”

  Wyoming

  Wyoming—often called “The Very Last State That We Have to Write About in This Chapter, Thank God”—Contains a great deal of scenery such as the Grand Tetons, which get their name from the Indianexpression, “Get a load of those Tetons.” The major attraction is Yellowstone National Park, where nature-loving visitors may learn about the wilderness by witnessing as federal bears, acting on instinct, rummage through Dodge minivans, tossing tourists aside in their quest for Hostess Twinkles. Yellowstone also features Old Faithful Geyser, an amazing natural phenomenon that, at regularly scheduled intervals, erupts out of the ground and performs “Hello Dolly.” Tips are appreciated.

  Other Countries Besides Us In The Western Hemisphere

  (Yes! There ARE Some!)

  You don’t have to go all the way to Europe to be in a foreign country, because there are several nice ones right here in our own continent. Among the numerous cultural advantages of visiting these countries are the following:

  1. They are nearby.

  2. They get American TV.

  The largest of our North American neighbors are, of course, Canada and Mexico, both of which share lengthy borders with the United States, and both of which have long maintained peaceful relations with us based on mutual trust and respect and a heartfelt understanding of the fact that any time we feel like it we can nuke them into radioactive grit. Let’s take a closer look at these two “friendly neighbors” and see if we can’t learn to appreciate them more without picking up any actual information.

  Canada

  Although we hardly ever think about it except when the TV weather person is showing us a cold air mass, Canada is actually a major country, with an area of more than 169 billion hectometers in longitude, and a bustling population of more than 27 million, if you include members of the wolverine family. There are also a number of humans living up there, and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars. The major difference is that Canada is divided into two major linguistic groups—English speakers and French speakers—which have learned, over the course of 300 years of cohabitation, to hate each other. The result is that everything in Canada has to be written in both English and French, which creates a hazardous situation because the two languages frequently disagree.

  Despite these differences, Canada has developed into an actual nation with cities, an economy, comical-looking money with beavers on it, etc. To understand how this happened, we need to review:

  The History of Canada

  Canadian history began 20,000 years ago when primitive people came across the land bridge from Asia to watch the quarter-finals of the National Hockey League playoffs, which are still going on. Then nothing happened until 1497, when King Henry VII of England hired an Italian explorer named John Cabot to try to reach Asia by—those explorers were always trying wacky stunts like this—sailing across the Atlantic. Instead, Cabot—he could easily have avoided this by the simple precaution of looking at a map—wound up in Canada. Here is an actual quotation about this event from the World Book Encyclopedia:

  Cabot found no such luxuries as jewels or spices. But he saw an enormous amount of cod.

  Whoo! I bet THAT thrilled old Henry VII, don’t YOu? Picture the scene: he’s sitting on his throne, all excited because he’s been waiting for months and months, and he can hardly wait to see what kinds of jewels he’s going to get for his investment, and Cabot hands him a bag of dead cod and says: “And there’s plenty more where THAT came from!”

  From that day forward Canada was considered to be very desirable, and eventually the British and French got into a big rivalry over it, which resulted in a series of wars called “The Series of Wars Between the British and the French.” This dispute was finally settled in 1763 when the British forces defeated the French in the Battle of Kicking Some French Butt, after which the two sides signed the Treaty of the Two Sides, under which Britain got to keep Canada, and France got to visit for three weeks during the summer.

  After that Canada continued to grow and have many important historical events, among which, according to the World Book Encyclopedia, were: Growing Discontent, Lord Durham’s Report, The Return of MacDonald, and Foreign Relations. Also at some point a government formed. The Canadian government consists of a prime minister, whose primary function is to meet with the U.S. president once a year and ask in a whiny voice how come we keep dropping acid rain on them. The president always replies that we’ll stop the acid rain if they’ll stop the cold air masses. Then the two leaders share a hearty laugh and shake hands, because they know that we’re really close international friends. Plus we still have the nukes.

  What to See in Canada

  Canada boasts numerous goose-infested lakes and several major cities that rival New York for sophistication, defined as lack of parking. There is also a Vast Arctic Wasteland where visitors are welcome to come and get lost and try to survive by eating their own parka linings. The Vast Arctic Wasteland is one of Canada’s ten provinces, the other ones being Toronto, Greenland, Quahog, Alberta, Pierre, Roberta, North Dakota, Manitoba (Literally, “Many Tubas”), and the Yucatan. All of these provinces feature culture as well as hydroelectric power, and are well worth a visit. But the Canadian tourist attraction that we rank highest of all, despite the fact that we have not technically been there in person, is the Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump. We are not making this attraction up. It’s an extremely historical site where, many years ago, Native American tribespersons used to kill buffalo by driving them off the edge of a cliff. According to the legend, one day a tribesperson decided to watch this event from under the cliff, and numerous buffalo landed on his head, which, as you are well aware, is generally fatal, and thus the site got its name: Total Moron Cliff. No, seriously, it really is called the Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump, and the Canadian government has set up an interpretive centre there, and when we called it up, a person answered the phone as follows:

  “Head Smashed In, may I help you?”

  This was probably the highlight of our entire life.

  Mexico

  The first thing you have to understand, as a visitor to Mexico, is that you do not, automatically, the instant You arrive, develop a fierce case of the trots. That’s an unfounded myth that epitomizes the condescending attitude that many North Americans have toward Mexico, and we’d like to sh
atter it right here and now. We have personally visited Mexico, and we found it to be a charming and hospitable place filled with exciting things to do, although unfortunately our activities were somewhat limited by the fact that the instant we arrived we developed a fierce case of the trots. But we definitely enjoyed what we saw, and we made it our business to see every single important historic and cultural site in the entire nation that was within a two-minute sprint of our hotel bathroom. These sites included the hotel bar, the hotel restaurant, the hotel gift shop, and the hotel hallway leading back to our bathroom, all of which revealed the rich cultural tapestry that Mexico Possesses due to all the history that has occurred there in the past.

  The History of Mexico

  The history of MexiCo dates back thousands of years to the time of the Indians, who, of course, were not aware that they were Indians because nobody from Europe had discovered them yet. Despite this handicap, they had developed a great civilization featuring many advanced concepts including mathematics, writing, architecture, a highly advanced calendar (For example, it had Lincoln’s birthday), and an alarm clock with the “snooze” feature. These Indians built numerous ruins that can still be seen today (Thursday), as well as a number of major pyramids, which were made by lifting enormous stones and which served as monuments to Xinzthiznclxn, the God of Hernias. Then, in the sixteenth century, the Spanish showed up and introduced Western civilization until just about everybody was dead. This was followed, in order, by the seventeenth, eighteenth, and nineteenth centuries, during which Mexico included a large section of what is now the United States, including Texas, California, Hawaii, and Rhode Island. Mexico graciously yielded these lands to the United States in 1848 under the Treaty of Sign This Treaty or We Blow Your Head Off. Eventually there was a revolution, starring Seymour A. “Pancho” Villa, a heroic figure who rode around having exciting adventures with his comical sidekick and carving his initials into people’s shirts with his sword. Or maybe that was Zorro. But in any event, there was finally a revolution, and today Mexico is a modern happy nation of 90 million people, 87 million of whom currently reside in Los Angeles.