Dave Barry’s Only Travel Guide You’ll Ever Need

by Dave Barry

  Belgium is a small nation containing people who call themselves—this is true—”Walloons.” They are not ashamed of this at all. “I myself am a Walloon” is the kind of thing they say all the time. It’s called “Walloon Pride.” Belgium also contains people who call themselves “Flemings,” although fortunately there is no actual place called “Flea.” The result of this fascinating cultural mix is that Belgium has a number of official languages, including French, Dutch, German, Italian, Spanish, Greek, Latin, Cajun, Moldavian, and Frantic Arm Gestures.

  HISTORY: Because of poor planning on the part of its first king, Roger XVIXMN (1606-present), Belgium was originally located between Germany and France, which for several centuries declared war on each other as often as modern nations declare things like Cheese Appreciation Month. The result was that Belgium became what historians call “The Screen Door of Europe,” constantly getting slammed as various armies went racing through in both directions, often failing to wipe their feet. In the modern era this problem has been solved by moving Belgium to a safer location, up near the Netherlands, Denmark, Luxembourg, Iceland, and Canada, which are known collectively as “The Weenie Nations,” so it’s perfectly safe now. Although we ourselves would take a gas mask.

  WHAT TO SEE IN BELGIUM: They have a bunch of buildings.

  WHEN TO GO: This Wednesday would be good. But not next Monday, because Belgium has a dental appointment. It is also closed during the festival of the Six Kinds of Mustard.

  FACTS AT A GLANCE

  Currency Unit: The Pfarthing

  Height: Average

  Motto: Dieu et Droit Pour La Veritd (“I Spit On Your Zither”)

  Favorite Song: “Mustang Sally”

  Bulgaria

  There’s always plenty to see and do in Bulgaria!

  Denmark

  Denmark (also called “Norway”) is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who Wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane. But this did not stop them from being bold mariners who actually reached North America before Columbus did, although they were stripped of the title when blood tests revealed that they had used steroids.

  Modern-day Denmark is a tourism wonderland, boasting a year-round average temperature of 14 degrees Centipede (108 degrees Richter). The most famous city is Copenhagen, where Hans Christian Andersen wrote such pioneering children’s classics as Horton Hears a Whom and The Ugly Teenaged Mutant Ninja Duckling. While in Copenhagen you simply must take a stroll down Bjarnkvaalastraadenjkrn, taking a left on Kveljnoriagnarbenkanklen, then your first right onto Hralgnekjarnklenvaagendam. Go up to a man wearing a green overcoat and tell him: “The oyster owns a fine wristwatch.” He will know what to do.

  FACTS AT A GLANCE

  Language: Swedish Currency Unit: The Rune (12 Runes = 1 Kvetch) National Anthem: “Vie Aar Knut Hebben Nu Longkenflukn” (“We Are Not Having Any Lung Flukes”)

  England

  England is one of four nations, along with Ireland, Scotland, and New Zealand, that make up the British Isles. England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English. Usually, however, when they get to the crucial part of a sentence they’ll use words that they made up, such as “scone” and “ironmonger.” As a sophisticated traveler, you should learn some British words so you can avoid communications mixups, as is shown by these examples:

  Example 1: The Unsophisticated Traveler

  ENGLISH WAITER: May I help you?

  TRAVELER: I’d like an inedible roll, please.

  ENGLISH WAITER (confused): Huh?

  Example 2: The Sophisticated Traveler

  ENGLISH WAITER: May I help you?

  TRAVELER: I’d like an ironmonger, please.

  ENGLISH WAITER: Coming right up!

  Speaking of food, English cuisine has received a lot of unfair criticism over the years, but the truth is that it can be a very pleasant surprise to the connoisseur of severely overcooked livestock organs served in lukewarm puddles of congealed grease. England manufactures most of the world’s airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria. Some traditional English dishes are Toad in the Hole, Bubble and Squeak, Cock-a-Leekie Soup, Spotted Dick, Bug-in-a-Bucket, Willie One-Polyp, Tonsil-and-Toast, Whack-a-Doodle Johnson, and Fester Pudding. Attractive displays of these dishes—some of them dating back to the sixteenth century—can be found in bars called “pubs,” where the English traditionally gather to drink, glance at the food, and continue drinking.

  But the main attraction in England is history. You cannot throw a scone in England without hitting a hallowed ancient object such as the actual chair that King Ralph the Easily Amused sat in when he made peace with the Duke of Whomping in 1123. You should definitely visit as many of these historic sites as you can before you starve. Among the most important ones are:

  The Tower of London: This is the home of the Crown Jewels, a collection of gem-encrusted swords, headwear, plates, and utensils such as the priceless Spatula of India, all guarded by the famous “Beefeaters.” The Crown Jewels belong to the royal family, whose members tried for centuries to get them back, only to have their heads whacked off by the famous Beefeaters, which is why the royal family now uses paper plates.

  Arizona Bridge: This was originally located in Arizona, but was moved to London as a tourist attraction in 1362 by King Eddreth the Big Fan of Onions.

  Westminster Abbey: This is an extremely old building where many famous dead British people such as John Milton (Bass player for the Kinks), Rudyard Kipling, and Charlie Watts are buried in the floor. It’s not clear why the British did this. The best we can figure is that it must have been raining very hard during the funerals, and somebody said, “What the hell, let’s just bury them right here in the floor.”

  Buckingham Palace: This is, of course, the home of the famous British royal family, which upholds many ancient cherished British traditions such as the tradition of Wearing Comical Hats and the tradition of Appearing on the Cover of People Magazine at Least Once Per Month (“Fergie: Does She Have Shingles?”). Each day thousands of tourists gather at the palace to watch the famous ceremony of the Changing of the Guard, which follows the ceremonies of the Bathing of the Guard and the Sprinkling of Some Talcum Powder on the Guard’s Butt.

  FACTS AT A GLANCE

  Unit of Currency: The Thruppence (2 Thruppence = 2 Bodkins)

  Sign: Capricorn

  Track: Wet

  Queen’s Wardrobe By: Mister Duane’s House of Vision Impairment

  Finland

  Located partly inside the Arctic Circle, Finland has long been a popular destination with travelers who enjoy the feeling of knowing that if their car breaks down, they could be eaten by wolves. Finland is also the home of the sauna, which is a wooden box in which you subject Your body to extreme heat, which causes you to become very relaxed, unless of course the door gets stuck. in which case it causes you to become lasagna. We ourselves prefer to stay outside and take our chances with the wolves.

  The major city in Finland is Helsinki, home of the world-famous Gverjkinklankerwanker, or “Tower of Linoleum.”

  FACTS AT A GLANCE

  Unit of Currency: The Fermkin

  Form of Government: A small but powerful woman named Helga

  Brad: Oh, Marcia, I have missed you so! Marcia: Oh, Brad, really? (They embrace)

  France

  First of all, let’s dispense with this absurd stereotypical notion that the French are rude. The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you. But that is no reason to bypass this beautiful country, whose master chefs have a well-deserved worldwide reputation for trying to trick people into eating snails. Nobody is sure how this got started, Probably a couple of French master chefs were standing around one day, and they found a snail, and one of them said: “I’ll bet that if we called this something like ‘escargot’ tourists would eat it.” Then they had a hearty laugh, because
“escargot” is the French word for “fat crawling bag of phlegm.”

  This spirit of daring culinary innovation persists in France, which has also pioneered such advances as:

  The entree that costs as much as a set of radial tires and consists of a very large plate that appears at first to be totally empty except for a tiny speck of dirt that turns out, upon closer inspection, to be the entree. (A top French chef can carry an entire year’s supply of entrees in his wallet.)

  The waiter who makes it extremely clear that he did not get into the waiter business to waste his valuable time actually waiting on people, especially not lowlife scum such as yourself who clearly would not know the difference between fine French cuisine and Cheez Whiz.

  The tip that is automatically included For Your Convenience even if your food arrives festooned with armpit hairs (les haires du pitte).

  So you will definitely want to go to some fine French restaurants. We don’t mean go inside them. We mean stand around outside with the other tourists staring incomprehendingly at the menu, which should look like this:

  CARTE DE MENU

  Les Petites Eyeballes de Mackerelle en Huile de Voiture Le Debenture en Camisole au Bibliothi6que Le Spamme avec un Side de Fries Le Poisson du Votre Fr6re Raoul Le Roni du Zoo en La Ware de la Tupper Prix Pour Le Wholle Ball de Waxe:

  156,000,000,000,000,000 Franks. Le Financing Available

  “Vouz Tried the Rest, Now Try Le Best.

  Once You’ve looked at the menu for a while, it’s time to enjoy a hearty one-ounce bag of peanuts saved from your plane trip over, then set out to view:

  The Attractions of France

  One of the main attractions is of course the world-famous Eiffel Tower, which created a lot of controversy when it was erected in 1889 because the builder, Alexandre Gustave Eiffel, had presold it as a condominium. “Where the hell are the walls?” the buyers wanted to know. “Where are we supposed to go to the bathroom?” This is still a problem at the tower, so don’t stand too close.

  Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave men and women who have died trying to visit it, which we do not recommend because it’s located in the middle of La Place de la Traffic Coming from All Directions at 1 14 Miles Per Hour. But you should

  definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where You can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa, which actually was stolen in 1978, but the crowd is so dense that it doesn’t matter. People come away convinced that they’ve seen it, similar to the way people in underdeveloped nations are always seeing the face of Jesus on the skins of yams. Also in the Louvre are various statues with pieces missing—visitors are welcome to try to patch these up.

  A Good Conversation-Starter in France: “I guess you guys really bit the big one in World War Two, huh?”

  FACTS AT A GLANCE

  National Underwear Chonging Day: March 1 2

  Official Dance: The Gotor

  Germany

  Germany is really a very nice nation that used to have an unfortunate tendency to fall in with the wrong crowd every few decades and try to take over the world. But that is all in the past, thank goodness.

  After years of painful division, East and West Germany are finally back together as a large, vibrant, strong, dynamic, extremely powerful and heavily armed nation that we are sure will be a Good Neighbor for ... LOOK OUT! HERE THEY COME!!

  Ha ha! We are just poking a little friendly fun at Germany, which is famous for enjoying a good joke, or as the Germans say, “Sprechnehaltenzoltenfus senmachschnitzerkalbenrollen.” Here is just one hilarious example of what we are talking about:

  FIRST GERMAN: How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

  SECOND GERMAN: I don’t know! How many?

  FIRST GERMAN: Let’s invade Poland and find out!

  MILLIONS OF OTHER GERMANS: Okay!

  No! We’re just kidding! Probably! The truth is that we like Germany a lot. In fact, we celebrated our fortieth birthday there with some friends, the idea being that if we were going to get old, we should do it while surrounded by the maximum possible quantity of beer. They have wonderful beer in Germany, and they serve it in containers so large that, in other nations, they would be used as shelters for the homeless. This gives new meaning to the concept of “having a beer.” In the United States, “having a beer” is a semi-harmless act that leaves you feeling slightly mellow, whereas in Germany it can leave you dancing naked on the roof of a moving bus (This requires a permit; ask your travel agent).

  Eating in Germany is easy, because there is basically only one kind of food, called the “wurst.” This is a delicious item made by compressing random pig parts until they have reached the density of bowling balls, then serving them in long brown units that don’t look at all like large bowel movements, so just put that thought right out of your mind. At first, all worsts seem the same, but in fact each region of the country has its own “special recipe,” thus producing a wide variety for your eating excitement. Some of our personal favorites are:

  Blattwurst: Compressed pig parts served in 7-inch units Grosswurst: Compressed pig parts served in 8-inch units Wurstwurst: Compressed pig parts served in 7.5-inch units

  The list just goes on and on. There is an old German saying that goes, “By the time you have eaten all of the worsts of Germany, you will have pig parts coming out the Wazzenschnicter.” This certainly proved to be true in our case.

  What to Do in Germany

  There are a great many spectacularly beautiful villages in Germany, as well as numerous important historic and cultural sites, but you should skip all these because the thing to do is drive really fast. They have these roads in Germany called “autobahns” (meaning, literally, “bahns of the auto”) where you can go as fast as you want because there is no speed limit. Really! You can get out there and drive like an amphetamine-crazed maniac, and the police will do nothing! And if you don’t have a car, you can just steal one, because car theft is also legal on the autobahn! So are vagrancy, tax evasion, mail fraud, gambling, narcotics trafficking, and full-body massage! You are going to love the autobahn.

  FACTS AT A GLANCE

  Unit of Currency: The Doppler

  Barometer: Falling

  Motto: Vie Guessen Der Coninen Nicht Chompen (“These Dogs Probably Will Not Bite you”)

  Greece

  Greece is where we get a large amount of our Western culture. For example, Zorba the Greek came from there. So did democracy, which is made up of two Greek words, “demo,” meaning “people,” and “cracy,” meaning “wearing stupid hats.” The

  Greeks also gave us the Pythagorean theorem, although after we graduated from high school we gave it back.

  Getting to Greece

  This is a necessary first step.

  Attractions to See in Greece

  The biggest city that we have heard of in Greece is Athens. According to ancient myth, Athens was created when Poseidon, the God of Adventure, struck the ground with his trident, which upset Ramona, the Goddess of Humidity and Ranch Dressing, who told Dagmar, the God of Variable-Rate Mortgages, who got so mad that he punched Raoul, the God of Those Little Colored Things You Sprinkle on Cupcakes, and as a result Athens was formed. Of course we now realize that this is stupid. Nevertheless many important old monuments remain from this period, including the Metropolis, the Pentathlon, Monticello, the Telethon, and the Tomb of Reebok. All of these contain a great deal of very important architecture that you are welcome to chip off little pieces of for Show and Tell. Outside of Athens is another popular area known to locals as the rest of Greece.

  FACTS AT A GLANCE

  Unit of Currency: The Sheep

  Form of Government: Vague

  Liquor Bottles with Worms Inside: Yes

  Holland

  Holland, also known as “The Hinterlands” or “Sweden,” is a plucky nation that has created large sectors of new land b
y pushing back the sea with a sophisticated complex of dikes that have held up extremely well so far thanks to the vigilance of the Dutch people, as dramatized by the story of the Little Dutch Boy. Remember him? He was walking along one day many years ago when he saw a small leak in one of the dikes, so he plugged the hole with his finger, thereby saving the entire nation. Talk about pluck! Of course he’s an old man now, and he has taken to telling passersby that one of these days he’s going to pull his finger back out of the goddamn dike and the hell with everybody, but this is no reason for you, as a visitor, to be alarmed, because as a safety precaution, every item of furniture in Holland is legally required to also be usable as a flotation device. Your smart tourist never goes anywhere in the country without carrying, at minimum, a dinette table.

  What to See in Holland

  The largest city in Holland is Amsterdam, a cultural center that boasts many beautiful historic churches that you can later claim you were visiting when You were in fact looking at live naked sex shows involving as many as 117 individual humans and the occasional unit of livestock. Also do not miss the Vincent van Gogh Museum, where you can play the popular Whack-an-Ear Game. Out in the countryside you can see windmills, many of which are still used for milling wind, as well as millions and millions and millions of tulips, so you’ll probably just want to stick with the live naked sex shows.

  FACTS AT A GLANCE

  Unit of Currency: The Grunder

  Unit of Livestock’s Stage Name: “Bossy”

  Iceland

  According to a competing travel guidebook, Iceland offers—this is a direct quote—”boiling mud pools.” We’re on our way!

  FACTS AT A GLANCE