by RH Tucker
“You okay over there?” Nancy inquires as we got closer to our house.
“Mmhm.” I nod, staring out of the window.
“Jen, I’m really happy you came this weekend.”
“Yeah, me too.” I try to smile through my lie. I’m not sure she believes me, but she doesn’t question it.
“I know I’ve said this before, but you can talk to me, you know?”
I don’t answer, and she just stares straight ahead as she continues driving. I feel like I need to talk about it, but Nancy isn’t the one I want to confide in.
After quickly unloading my bags, I send Emma a text message and head over to her house. She’s nearly bouncing off the walls, grinning from ear to ear in anticipation. When I texted her, I told her ‘something happened with Lucas’ but that’s all I said.
“Tell me everything,” she says as she shuts her door.
I fall down on her bed, grabbing a pillow and throwing it on my face.
“Was it hot?” Emma sits down next to me on the bed. “When you said something, I’m assuming it was a kiss, right? I mean, I don’t think you’d say that if you meant … well, you know.”
“Ugh!” I groan in the pillow.
Her voice is high, and her words are fast, so I know she’s excited, while I’m anything but.
“Jen?”
My words are muffled since I keep the pillow in my face.
“What?”
I pull the pillow down and sit back up. “My life sucks.”
“What? Why?”
“He told me he loved me.”
“Ohmygod. Are you serious?” Her eyes pop open as she stares at me.
“And I told him I love him.”
“You what?”
I shake my head. “I mean, I did love him. When we were little.”
“Oh.” She raises an eyebrow. “Is that what he meant?” I shake my head. “Oh … are you …” She stops, looking down at the carpet. I’m pretty sure of what she’s going to ask, but totally confused as to what my answer will be. “Are you sure that isn’t what you meant?”
I don’t answer, choosing instead to stare up at her ceiling
“But I don’t understand. If he feels like that and you―”
“I don’t,” I cut her off. I don’t know if I’m lying to her or myself, but I can’t let myself go down that road.
“Okay.” She bites her lip. “What I’m trying to say is, why does your life suck? I mean, did something else happen?”
“Well … I mean …” She stares at me and I try to remain calm, but the nerves are too much. “We made out in the lake,” I blurt out quickly, before falling back down and slamming the pillow over my face again.
“What?” Emma squeals, slapping my leg. “Why didn’t you lead with that?”
“Because,” I groan out, removing the pillow, “it won’t work. It can’t.”
“Why not?”
I glance over at her as she waits patiently. We met during freshman year and she’s been my best friend ever since. But even with all the secret whispers we’ve shared and the boy-talk we’ve had over the years, I’ve never really confided in her about what happened with my mom. About how I feel like love just isn’t in the cards for me, even if I want it.
“Wait.” She stops me before I can try to explain or even offer a white lie. “Does this have anything to do with Franco?”
I let out a defeated breath. In a way it does. I wasn’t head over heels in love with him, but I thought I did feel something. I thought falling in love was a possibility for both of us. He might not have crushed me like my mother, or broken my heart like Lucas, but he did hurt me. And I still feel stupid for not listening to Emma and Carter and everyone else in the first place. I nod, keeping my eyes locked above.
“Jen, he’s a dumbass.” Her words make me smile, because Emma doesn’t use bad language very much. “He’s an idiot, and Carter and Matt were right. You’re so much better than him.”
“Thanks,” I mutter, but don’t feel any better.
“So, you and Lucas?” She smiles at me.
“No, Emma.” I shake my head. “Like I said, it can’t work. He was the one person that wasn’t supposed to …” I trail off, feeling my eyes burning. She waits patiently as her eyes soften on me. I fight off the tears, shaking my head. “I’m not lovable.”
I don’t know why the words slip out. They’re what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling but saying them out loud just make them that much more real. And telling them to Emma leaves me open for her to question why I feel that way. I swallow my nerves, wiping my hand across my eyes, trying to dry the mist. I’m not going to think about the words. The last words from my mom before she left. And I sure as hell am not going to tell them to Emma. Saying them out loud will just make them true. I mean, they must be, if I can’t find anyone to love me. But saying them out loud will cement them forever.
Emma crawls over to me and wraps her arms around me.
“Jen, don’t say that. You’re my best friend, and I might be biased but you’re wrong. You are lovable. I love you. Your aunt loves you. And you already said Lucas does.”
“You and Nancy don’t count. And Luc … he already had his chance.”
“Ugh!” She slaps my arm. “That’s rude. We totally count.”
“Okay.” I squeeze her arm, as I cling to the pillow against my chest.
She doesn’t say anything else and for that I’m thankful. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. The sooner I can forget about Lucas and that kiss, the better. The only problem is, part of me doesn’t think I’ll ever be able to forget about it, or if I really want to.
Chapter 15
Lucas
I’ve been back home for three days but I’m as useful as a sack of potatoes. How the hell did everything get so screwed up? My entire ride home with Rich, I stared out of the window, trying to figure out how I could fix the situation. Or if it was even possible. Rich was surprisingly quiet, but I know he noticed how weird I was acting around Sasha when we went over to their cabin for a campfire.
She asked for my number later that night, so of course I gave it to her, but I really just did it to be polite. Rich was eyeing me the next day, I’m sure wondering what was wrong with me. What is wrong with me? I mean, sure, I made out with Jen and it was amazing, but she wants nothing to do with me. She pushed me away, literally. That leaves me with nothing else to do but move on from her. That’s the problem, though … I don’t want to, especially after everything she told me.
She’s liked me longer than I liked her. She used to write my last name in her notebooks, as if it were her own. She wanted and imagined that first kiss even before that night. So why is she so determined to ignore everything we both are obviously feeling? Me screwing up was part of it, but she mentioned her mom. I need find out exactly why she compares me to her, but I have no idea how to do that.
I’m playing my Nintendo DS, still in my boxers at two in the afternoon, when there’s a knock at my door.
“I’m not up for any parties, man.” Rich has been trying to get me to go out with him the last few days since we’ve been back.
“But you don’t even know who’ll be there.” Jackson walks in, smiling.
“What’s up, man?”
“Not much. How was the trip?”
My eyes dart to him, then back to the game, while I shake my head. “It was whatever.”
“Right. That doesn’t sound like it was whatever.”
“Yeah, well …” I shrug, ignoring his comment.
“You wanna put some pants on or something?”
I pause the game, take a look at myself, and then look back up at him. “Aw, don’t be embarrassed, Jackson. I’m well aware of how hot I am.”
He chuckles. “Anyways, let’s go to Avalon tonight.”
“How are we gonna get in?”
“Tonight’s eighteen and up.”
Avalon’s a popular a dance club in Downtown LA. Rich has gone a few times and says it�
�s great. The idea of going out tonight isn’t on my priority list, but I know I should if for no other reason but to get out of this funk I’ve been in for days.
Still, I lift my shoulders and resume playing my game. “Eh, I don’t know.”
“Come on,” Jackson continues, as he browses my room. I glance at him, realizing this is his first time in my room. The day he came and picked me up for the music festival he came in the house but only to talk to my mom in the kitchen.
“Nice Madden collection,” he says, perusing my video games. I’ve kept all the Madden NFL games for the last ten years. “Dude, how many sports games do you have?” He kneels down and thumbs through the others.
I have a few adventure games or first-person shooters, stuff like Destiny, Call of Duty, and Uncharted. But my favorites are sports games.
“I like sports.”
“Yeah and looks like reading, too,” he says, standing up and looking over the top of my bookcase.
I don’t have many, just a handful of graphic novels and books I’ve had to read for school. Definitely not a collection like Matt has.
“What, you don’t read?” It’s a joking shot, but he doesn’t say anything. I look up and see him staring at the books, before turning back to face me. For a moment, he seems apprehensive.
“Anyways,” he says, sitting at the end of my bed. “Seriously, dude, tonight. It’s going down.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“We’re meeting Sasha and Tara there.”
I peak an eyebrow at him. “You’re going out with Tara again? Has the player finally found a girl that came tame the beast?”
“Never,” he laughs. “For reals, though. I’ll be back in a couple hours and we’re going.”
I pause the game, throwing the device to the side. “I’m not interested in going out.”
“Dude, Sasha is hot, and she wants you.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I shake my head and get a confused stare from Jackson in return. “But it’s not about that, I’m just not feeling up for partying and stuff.”
“Well, Rich said you’re either going with me or going out with him.”
“What?”
“Yeah, he said, and I quote, ‘get his sorry ass out of that bedroom, or else he’ll be crying over his girlfriend all summer long’ end quote.”
“Asshole,” I mutter under my breath.
“So yeah, unless you want to go to a kegger my brother’s throwing, which I’m sure is where Rich is going, and be surrounded by drunk frat boys for the entire night, I’d say Avalon is a big step up. Um …” he pauses, giving me a cautious look, “who’s your girlfriend again?”
“She’s not―” My mouth snaps shut as I let out an irritated groan. “Fine, I’ll go.”
“Sweet!”
We’re only at the club for thirty minutes and I don’t like it. I really don’t understand why everyone loves these places so much. It’s not just my country music taste either, because I like other music, and a few different EDM artists, but the club is just noisy. And packed. Maybe it isn’t so packed on nights when it’s twenty-one and older and not eighteen, but I can’t take two steps without bumping into someone. I Snapchatted Carter when we got here, and he was mad I didn’t invite him. He’d love this place, but I can’t wait to leave.
As soon as the girls arrive, they want to dance. Just like Jackson said, Sasha is indeed hot. She’s got light brown hair, dark eyes, is light skinned, and tonight she’s wearing this vibrant, red lipstick. She’s wearing a short black dress that hugs to her skin. Her frame is similar to Jen’s, which doesn’t help my mind from just wandering back to Jen and how I feel when I’m around her. How it felt to hold her when she fell asleep. How she tasted when we kissed in the lake. I try to push the thoughts away. Again.
“You good?” Sasha calls out. We’re right in front of each other and her lips graze my ear, but she has to shout because of how loud the music is.
“Yeah.” I nod.
The DJ mixes a song and then Usher’s “Love in This Club” hits the speakers.
Sasha already has her arms over my shoulders, but now she clamps her hands together behind my head and draws closer to me. I keep my hands on her sides as she sways closer, pressing into my hips. As beautiful as she is, I can’t stay in the moment. Her head nudges forward, and I can feel her breath along my chin as she looks up. This is the moment. The moment I know I’m supposed to lean in closer and kiss her. And it’s not like I don’t want to, because any guy would be crazy to not want to kiss her. However, as I glance down at her lips, I know those aren’t the ones I keep thinking about.
But I’m a guy. Yeah, that sounds bad, but it is what it is. She leans just a touch closer and I lean down and kiss her. She’s a good kisser. We’re surrounded by loads of people on the dance floor, who as far as I know might be making out to the song, too, but I block them out. I’m delicate, only taking what she’ll give me and not really pressing for more. Her tongue slides across my lips and I take that as well. After a moment, our lips break apart and she looks back up at me and smiles. I return the gesture, but I feel like shit. She likes me and here I am, making out with her but thinking about a different girl.
“Uh oh.” She nods behind my shoulder and I turn to look.
Tara is ripping into Jackson, yelling at him and waving her arms around. He’s not protesting to whatever she’s yelling at him about. Instead, he’s just standing there, taking it, gaze cast down at the ground. Not apologetic, more like he’s just waiting for it to end so he can leave.
“We better get over there,” I tell Sasha.
We’re away from most of the crowd and the music is still loud but not to the point where we have to yell to hear each other. That’s not stopping Tara from screaming at Jackson.
“Un-fucking-believable!” She shoves a finger into his chest. “What kind of asshole does that, huh? A dickhead, that’s the kind. A dickhead-asshole.”
I cringe and look over at Sasha, who has a surprised expression on her face. Jackson’s still staring down at the ground.
“Tara, what happened?” Sasha asks.
“What happened?” she screams at her friend, before turning to me. “What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. I had to use the bathroom, but by the time I got back I found this douchebag making out with some slut!”
“What?” I stare at Jackson, not really believing it. Sure, he’s come off as kind of a player, but I wouldn’t think he’d pull a d-bag move like that.
“Oh, you didn’t know your friend here was some manwhore, who makes out with anything that walks?”
“Tara,” Sasha says in a sympathetic but warning tone, probably because Tara is really tearing Jackson a new one.
“Don’t Tara me!” she yells at her, before turning back to Jackson. “You’re a piece of shit, Jackson. I wasn’t asking you to marry me or anything, but what kind of dirt bag macks on some random girl while he’s out with another one?”
Her tone softens, and I can see her eyes starting to turn red. The anger’s dying down and now the hurt is setting in. Suddenly I’m transported back to eighth grade. This is basically what I did to Jen. I don’t think Jackson did it out of nervousness, but it still reminds me of that day. And I still remember the hurt look on her face.
“Let’s go!” Tara snaps at Sasha as she wipes her eyes.
Without waiting for a reply, Tara takes off toward the exit. Sasha turns to me with an apologetic look, and I shrug my shoulders and nod. She gives me a smile and a quick kiss on the cheek before hurrying after her friend.
“Come on,” Jackson mutters out after a moment and heads to the exit as well.
The car drive home is silent. He turns on the radio and we just drive, listening to random songs. I’m not exactly sure what to say because even though we’re friends, I’ve only really known him for a couple months. If it was Matt or Carter, I’d have no problem asking them what was going on. Then again, neither of them probably would’ve done something like that. It just doesn
’t add up because Jackson seems like a nice guy.
When he takes a turn toward my street, I look over at him. He doesn’t look sad. He’s not happy either. Instead, he’s just there. Like what happened happened and now he has to move on.
“Okay, seriously,” I finally let out, as I turn down the radio. “What the hell, dude?”
“What?”
“What?” I hit back. “What do you mean ‘what’? Dude, you’re not an asshole.”
“Weren’t you listening back there?” He shakes his head. “It’s pretty clear that I am.”
“Nah. You’ve had this player thing going on, but you’re a good guy. Decent. So, why’d you do that?”
“Just forget it.”
“Why?” I press on as he stops in front of my house.
“She just …” He lets out a breath, his eyes scanning the steering wheel. “I think she liked me.”
“So, you thought you’d just make out with some random chick?”
“No, it’s just …” He shakes his head, letting out a grunt. “If she did, you know, like me, then she would’ve probably just ended it later.”
My eyes squint, trying to understand. “I’m not following?”
“I’m not smart,” he blurts out.
I’m still shaking my head. “What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”
“I never told you what happened with Tim back in school.”
“No. I just figured it was your business. Probably something you didn’t want to talk about.”
He grips the steering wheel. “Yeah, well, I don’t, but … he hooked up with a girl he knew I was talking to.”
“Seriously?”
He nods. “I mean, he was a douche as it was because he was dating this girl named Veronica at the time, but he did it.”
“Okay, well, I’m not seeing how this applies to―”
“It took me forever to work up the courage to actually want to go out with a girl and be honest with her. Let her know I’m …” He trails off.
