by RH Tucker
“Dude, what?”
My voice comes out a little harsher than I intend, because I don’t understand where this low self-esteem is coming from, after hanging out with him and seeing him act like a Mack Daddy. Yes, I said Mack Daddy, because he’s called himself that on more than one occasion.
“I’m dyslexic,” he spits out, staring out of the windshield. “Okay? So, yeah, I’m stupid, whatever. And I told that girl and then she went and hooked up with Tim. That was the first time in a long time I told a girl that and then that happened. So now, I just end things before I have to tell them. It’s only a matter of time before they’ll find someone smarter.”
“Jackson, being dyslexic doesn’t mean you’re stupid, man.” Again, it comes out harsh, but I can’t help it. I understand this is hard for him, but he’s not dumb.
“Whatever,” he says, lifting his shoulders. “Anyways, so yeah, Tara seemed to be in to me. But I didn’t want to wait and have her break up with me when she found out. So, I decided to act first.”
“Wow.” I shake my head. “First of all, I don’t think Tara would be that shallow. But secondly, and probably more importantly, you didn’t want her to dump you, so you embarrassed her tonight and made her feel like shit?”
For the first time, he looks at me and scowls. “I didn’t want her to feel like that, but I panicked. I just wanted to get it over with.”
“Still, man.”
“Forget it, Luc. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Excuse me?”
“You wouldn’t get it, okay? Girls fall over themselves to get to you … well, at least they did in school. You’re going to UCI. I’m not even going to a community college.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Just what I said, I’m not going.”
“Because of the dyslexia?”
He nods. “It’s why I missed so much school. My mom doesn’t know, but my dad signed my absence papers and covered for me. He’s got it, but not as bad as me, so I just worked at his deli. I can’t do school, so I’m not going.”
“So … what? You’re just gonna do nothing for the rest of your life?”
“I’ll work at his deli. He owns it, and it’ll give me a living.”
“What the hell, man? You don’t have to do that. You can work through it.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not working through shit, this is my life.”
I want to argue but he just sits there, hands plastered to the steering wheel, as he stares out the front window. There’s nothing I can say, at least not tonight, so I don’t even try. I just get out of his car and head inside.
Chapter 16
Jen
Emma’s gushing on and on about the movie we just saw as we walk into a coffee shop, which is next door to the theatre. For the past couple years, I would pick her up before school and always bring her a drink. She orders her favorite, a caramel Frappuccino, while I get an iced caramel macchiato.
“Ryan Gosling is so cute!” Emma squeaks, still going on about the movie.
“I’d call him lickable.” I grin when she blushes. “Emma, you have a boyfriend. You can’t blush every time we talk about someone being hot. Especially an actor we’ll never meet.”
“I know,” she says, abashed.
Getting back from the camping trip was rough. I can still feel Lucas’ hands on me and the taste of his lips. I’ve struggled to try and forget it all because that’s the safest thing to do. I know he was telling me the truth, but I don’t want to risk it. I’m not going to take a chance with my heart again, especially after I thought I was over everything and tried with Franco.
“I call guys hot,” Emma defends herself, breaking my thoughts.
“Oh really?”
“Yes, really.” Her confidence grows as she tries to stare me down.
“Good for you, girl. You can work up to going to third base.” Emma breaks eye contact again, staring at her drink as her cheeks flush. There’s a small grin slipping across her lips. “Emma? Have you and Carter gone to third base?”
She doesn’t answer but glances up at me for just a second.
“Oh my God!” I shout, drawing eyes toward us. She grills me with her vision, as I try to contain my excitement and lower my voice. “Have you guys had,” I look around, lowering my voice, “sex?”
“Jen!” she scolds me through clenched teeth.
“Emma, I can’t believe this! Why didn’t you tell me?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know, you were out of it for a little bit there. I mean, you still kind of are.”
Now it’s my turn to go sheepish and avert my gaze. “Yeah.”
I’m not sure if it’s because she actually wants to tell me or just feels a little sorry for me when she starts up. “It was going to be after prom night,” she says softly. “But I got nervous. Carter was totally sweet though.”
“He turned out to be a really good guy.” I smile at her. “I’m happy for you two.”
“Thanks. But, yeah … grad night we left early and we, um … yeah.” She giggles to herself.
“Aw.” I reach over and grab her hand. “My BFF’s all grown up.”
“Be quiet.” She slaps my hand, laughing.
A quietness falls over us as I take another drink. It feels good to finally get things somewhat back to normal with Emma.
“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but …” She pauses and I’m not sure if she’s debating with herself or just waiting for me to look up at her. I finally do. “Prom night? You and Franco?”
I look back down at the table, unable to answer her. Of course I wanted to tell her, but when everything happened at school, I wanted to try and forget about it as fast as I could. That was easier said than done since I finally decided to trust someone, and he let me down. At least, that’s what I like to tell myself. In reality, I tried trusting my heart for the first time in years, and I let it get broken again.
I want to answer her and come clean. Even if it sucks, I feel bad not talking to Emma about it. But as soon as I look up, I see Franco walk into the store with Jeremy.
“Oh, God,” I whisper.
Reaching over, Emma grabs my hand. “Jen, it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it.”
“No.” I shake my head, and stare back down at the table. “Franco just walked in here with Jeremy.”
“Really?” She turns around and scans the entrance.
“Don’t―” I start, but it’s too late. She tries to recover quickly, but out of the corner of my eye I can see him walking over to us. Thankfully, Jeremy walks over to the counter to order a drink.
“Hey, what’s up Jen? Emma?”
“Hey.” Emma gives him a polite smile. I quickly glance up at him and offer him the same.
“We just saw Wrecking Crew,” he says, motioning next door.
“Cool,” Emma replies. She looks at me, as if to say ‘I don’t know what else to do’.
“Hey, Franco, what do you want?” Jeremy calls over to us.
“Iced caramel macchiato,” he calls back, and my attention is immediately caught.
This is what I did leading up to prom. Franco has smooth, tan skin, dark brown eyes, and a buzz cut. I thought he was hot for the last couple years, but there were other things, too. Little things. Like how we’re both born in the same month. We’re both allergic to shellfish. And now, how we like the same drink. Those little things all made me think more of us than I should’ve. Made me think I could find love. It’s stupid and inconsequential. Maybe even a little immature, but I did it. I shake the thought free and look back down at my drink, but not before he meets my eyes.
“How’s your summer?”
“Fine,” I answer without looking at him.
“Hey, are you guys going to that bonfire next week?”
“Yep.” Emma nods as she takes a drink.
I shoot her a horrified stare, but it’s too late.
“Cool,” Franco answers.
There’s an
awkward silence as Jeremy looks over at us. Carter and Jeremy never reconciled after their fallout, and Jeremy is just a douche in general, so Emma and I never really talked to him in school, and definitely not out of school.
He pulls out his phone, scrolling his thumb across the screen, and lets out a light laugh, showing Franco. Franco nods, agreeing with whatever they’re looking at and that’s when I see it. The Player. I see what Matt and Carter were trying to tell me, unsure why I never saw it before. No, that’s not true, I know exactly why. Because he’s cute and I wanted to fall in love like my friends were doing. Stupid heart.
“J-Dog, mocha Frappuccino and iced caramel macchiato!” the barista yells out from the counter, and Jeremy and Franco laugh.
I glance over at Emma, trying not to roll my eyes.
“Well, I guess we’ll be taking off,” Franco says. “Maybe I’ll see you at the bonfire.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
And then he’s gone, leaving with Jeremy.
“I didn’t know Franco was going to be there,” I hiss at Emma.
“I didn’t know either. Carter just said it’s a huge bonfire.”
I know it isn’t Emma’s fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault but my own for what I’m feeling.
“Jen, you don’t have to go.”
“No.” I shake my head. “No, I’m going. I have to.”
“No, I’m serious. Whatever happened between you guys, it’s obviously―”
“I slept with him.” I blurt the words out quickly and quietly, leaning over the table. Thankfully, she doesn’t say anything back. She just studies my face, acknowledging me with a comforting smile. “It was so stupid. I was stupid.”
“No, don’t say that.”
“It’s true.” I stare at my drink. “I thought … ugh, I don’t know what I thought. I mean, I liked him and all, but I thought he … maybe that I …”
She reaches over and grabs my hand again, while I fight back tears. “Jen, it’s okay to like someone. He’s the asshole who doesn’t know how awesome you are.”
I chuckle at Emma cursing. “No. I mean, yes, he is. But, I was stupid. I should’ve known.”
“You should’ve known what?”
I already confessed to her that I don’t think I’m lovable. She scolded me, and we moved past it, but the thought is still there. The belief that I’ll never find someone who loves me for me. If I say it again, she’ll tell me the same thing. I want to believe her. More than anything, I want to believe her. But I don’t. And I don’t want to hear her words again, only to know they aren’t true.
“I should’ve known it was dumb idea,” I answer, and force back any tears that I can feel prickling. “Come on,” I take a deep breath, “let’s hit up Forever 21.”
Chapter 17
Lucas
Sasha: Hey, a few friends are going to the movies tonight. Join? <3
I stare at my phone, unsure what I should reply. I’ve been avoiding her ever since the club. There’s nothing wrong with Sasha, she’s actually pretty awesome. She’s nice, and funny, and she was incredibly hot that night at Avalon. But regardless of any of that, I’m cursed with one lingering thought that’s always floating around my mind: she’s not Jen.
I’ve gone over different ways in my head I can try to end this, because even if I did kiss her, I know I can’t do it again. It wouldn’t be fair to her. But no matter what kind of excuse I think of, nothing sounds right. Of course, I could lie and say I’m not interested in her, but that’s not entirely true either. If my brain wasn’t malfunctioning over Jen, a girl who made it painfully clear she doesn’t want anything to do with me, I’d definitely be interested in her.
Me: I can’t tonight. Sorry :(
Simple and easy. This is her third time inviting me to do something and I suddenly feel like I’m the mouse in this cat and mouse scenario. I’m the guy, isn’t it supposed to be me chasing the girl, who’s playing hard to get?
I drop my phone on my chest and channel surf, as I lounge in the living room. Nice thing about having the summer off while your parents both work, is getting to hang out all day watching ESPN on a large flat screen and order pizza. Which I just did ten minutes ago.
Sasha: Okay :’(
Damn it. Why do emoji’s always hit your pride and ego? If a girl sends you a smiley and winkey-face emoji, you always read more into it. And then they hit you with the sad face emoji and now I feel like a jerk.
And I feel stupid too, because I’m messing up what could possibly be a good thing with her. Jen rejected me. She said she couldn’t―or wouldn’t―go out with me and I have no attachments. I have to get over this thing if I’m going to live my life and actually try to get in involved with someone. I can’t keep my heart pinned to a girl who obviously doesn’t want any piece of it.
I know the bonfire is this weekend. Carter and Matt have both hit me up about it. I thought I’d tell Jackson, but we still haven’t spoken since he dropped me off.
Me: Hey, there’s a bonfire this weekend. Supposed to be big. Wanna go?
I shoot the text over to Sasha because why not. I need to get over Jen. She walked away from me at the lake and her last words even in my orbit were that there was nothing going on between us. As much as I hate to admit it, there will never be anything between us.
Sasha: What day?
Me: Saturday
Sasha: Aw :( I work Saturday night. We’re always busy on the weekends and I don’t get out till late.
I forgot that Sasha worked at a restaurant downtown. I think she’s had the job for a while and I know she’s saving up for her first semester. She’s going to a college for … cooking? No, that doesn’t sound right. Shit. I’ve really been a complete ass if I haven’t even paid attention to her and where she’s going to school.
Sasha: I’m off Sunday though :)
Okay, she’s off Sunday and I’m getting out of this damn funk.
Me: Cool. We’ll do…something
Because really, I have no idea what we should do. Movies? Dinner? Both? I’ve tried this in the past and it always ended with me comparing everything the girl did and said with Jen. And that’s when I hardly talked to her. Now that I’ve made out with her, I have no idea how I’m going to keep those thoughts at bay. But I know I have to try. It’s my only option left.
Sasha: Ok ;)
There’s a knock at the door and I get off the couch, grabbing my wallet for the pizza. Swinging the door open, I’m not met by the pizza delivery guy, but by Jackson.
“Hey,” I mumble to him.
“Hey.”
There’s an awkward silence that hangs in the air. I feel uncomfortable for not reaching out to him sooner and he appears uneasy. I’m sure telling me he’s dyslexic embarrassed him, even though I hadn’t looked at him any different since. But it was obvious he had a big hang up over that himself.
“So, uh, Rich was over at my house this morning. My brother and their friends are doing something, but he said you were just home lounging.”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“All right.” He nods, looking down at the ground.
“So,” we both say at the same time, and then abruptly stop. This is going nowhere.
“We’re cool, dude,” I speak up. “For the record, you being dyslexic doesn’t change anything with me. I think you’re obsessed with it a little too much―” Jackson opens his mouth to object, but I hold my hands up in defense. “But, that’s me not really having any clue what you go through. But we’re cool, man. Seriously.”
“All right, cool … so, um, what are you doing?”
“Nothing, just watching SportsCenter.”
“Oh.”
“And pizza should be here any minute. Wanna hang out?”
He smiles. “Dude, you had me at pizza.”
After easily devouring the medium pepperoni I ordered because I thought it was just going to be myself, we hang out for a while and watch I Love You, Man on Netflix. Yeah, we both laughed at each other for a seco
nd before starting that one. After that, another Jason Segel movie pops up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but I skip it and return to the main menu.
“Dude, that movie’s freaking hilarious.”
“I guess,” I say, surfing through a new movie list.
“You just laughed your balls off at Jason Segel.”
“Yeah, but that movie is great because of Paul Rudd. ‘Latus on the menjay’,” I imitate Rudd’s voice and line from the movie, making us both laugh.
The truth is, Forgetting Sarah Marshal reminds me of Jen. How Peter was head over heels in love with Sarah and she just broke his heart. Okay, I know the similarities aren’t really that close together, but it hits me every time I watch it. He couldn’t get over her. And even when he tried to get over her, she was still there. That’s how I feel about Jen. Before the camping trip, I couldn’t get over her and I had nothing to go on except memories of us growing up. Now I have no idea how I’m ever going to get past the new memories.
I close my eyes for a second, trying to scrub my brain from any and all thoughts of her.
“You good?”
“Yeah.” I nod.
Out of the corner of my eye I can see Jackson staring. I need to think of something to change the subject because I really don’t want to delve back into my feelings. And besides, how do you explain to someone the kind of history Jen and I have? We’re the definition of ‘It’s complicated’.
“This weekend,” I say, changing the subject. “Bonfire, man.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, supposed to be a lot of people from school there.”
“Oh.” He wrinkles his nose.
“I don’t think Tara will be there. Sasha’s working and those two usually go to parties and stuff together. At least, I think they do.”
