When We Fell

by Elena Aitken

  “I can’t believe I did that.” She groaned aloud and took another sip of her coffee. The caffeine would have to work its way through her system sooner or later.

  “Did what?”

  Drew started at the sound of her mother’s voice as Laura walked into the kitchen.

  “Sorry.” She laughed. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  “You didn’t scare me,” Drew lied. “It’s early. Where’s Austin? Is everything—”

  “Everything’s fine,” her mother interrupted. “He’s with your dad. He said something about wanting to go fishing so he could show him what Uncle Ben taught him about catching fish, so I thought I’d pop by and hear all about how your first job went.”

  Drew nodded and smiled to herself at the thought of Austin and Ben fishing only a few days before. Just as quickly as the happy memory popped into her head, the memory of the night before and her freak-out returned. She groaned and looked down into her mug.

  “Don’t tell me it didn’t go well.” Her mom poured herself a cup of coffee before sitting down across from her.

  “No,” she said. “It was great. The food was a total success. It’s just…”

  “What’s going on, kiddo?”

  That made Drew smile. No matter how old she got, her mom would never stop referring to her as a kid. It made her crazy and made her feel loved at the same time.

  “Talk to me,” her mom insisted.

  And so Drew did just that. She spent the next few minutes telling her mom all the details about the catering event, and finished with a recap of her freak-out on the dance floor. “What do you think that was all about?” she asked her mom. “I’ve never had a panic attack like that. Not ever. It was insane.”

  “I don’t think it’s all that crazy.” Her mom shook her head slightly and took a sip of the coffee. “You’ve been under a huge amount of pressure. It was bound to come to a head sooner or later. It’s okay, Drew.”

  Drew shook off her mom’s casual support. “No, Mom. It’s really not okay. Ben is—”

  “A great man.” She interrupted her. “And I know I had my doubts at first because he’s Eric’s brother, but when I see the two of you together…well, I couldn’t ask for anything more for you. He makes you smile, and we can all see how much he cares about you, Drew.”

  Her mother’s words sank in and affirmed everything she’d been feeling. But still she felt on edge. “I know, Mom. But when all those people—”

  “I can’t believe that you care about those people, Drew. As you told me not all that long ago, there is no timeline for this type of thing. No right or wrong way to do something. So let me ask you, do you really care what anyone else thinks? Really? Or is this about something else?”

  She thought about her mother’s question as she sipped her coffee. But it didn’t take long to come up with the answer. Sure, she’d prefer it if everyone was supportive of her decisions, but that woman at the party who may or may not have been giving her a look, she didn’t matter. It only truly mattered what was in her heart.

  And Ben’s.

  That was really the thing. And maybe, if Drew was being really honest with herself, it was the real thing that was bothering her. He loved her. She knew Ben cared about her; that went without saying. But this was different. He’d looked right in her eyes and told her that he loved her.

  And she hadn’t said it back.

  “Hand me that hammer, would you, Ben?”

  Crouched next to his father’s toolbox, Ben did as was requested, and grabbed another handful of nails. He handed it to his dad, who was holding a board in place on the fence before returning to where he had two sawhorses set up. Expertly and efficiently, he cut another board.

  “It’s looking good,” Mitch Ross said. “Thanks for your help, son. Some of the upkeep on this place is getting to be a bit much for me to handle on my own. It’s good to have help.”

  Ben assessed his father, who was almost in his seventies. He’d always been a healthy and active man, but the last year and Eric’s sickness had taken a toll on him. He’d aged. “Have you thought of maybe getting a smaller place, Dad? I mean, you and Mom don’t really need all this space.”

  “Don’t you get me started.” His dad grinned. “I would have happily traded this place in for one of those new condo units on the other side of town, but your mother won’t hear of it. This is her home, the one where you boys grew up. There are a lot of memories here.”

  “There are.” Ben nodded. “But I guess that’s the thing about memories—they never go away. You don’t need a place to remember things.” He shrugged. “It was just a thought.”

  “And a good one, too. But just not for me.” His dad chuckled. “Hand me another board, would you?”

  They worked side by side for another twenty minutes and finished repairing the fence before Ben pulled two lawn chairs into the shade and handed his father a beer. “The best part of these projects is celebrating when they’re finished.” He raised his can in a small toast and they drank in companionable silence.

  “Drew’s doing well,” his dad said somewhat randomly.

  Ben looked at him sideways. “She is,” he said slowly.

  “It’s good to see.” His dad didn’t look at him, focused instead on the fence they’d just repaired. “It’s good to see you happy, too, son.”

  Ben had no idea what his dad was trying to say, but whatever it was, he was making it very awkward. “Thanks, Dad. It’s good to be happy. What’s this all about?”

  Mitch looked at him then. “I’m just saying that I know we don’t talk about it much. But it’s been a rough year.”

  “Longer,” Ben said with a nod.

  “Yes,” his dad agreed. “Longer. And it’s long past time to see everyone smiling again. Eric wouldn’t have wanted us moping around.”

  “No, he wouldn’t. I think he’d be pissed if we were all sitting around crying.” Ben shook his head quickly and added, “Except maybe Mom. I think he would have expected that.”

  Mitch laughed. “She is a crier. That’s not changing any time soon. But you do know that just because your mom tears up a lot, it doesn’t mean she’s not okay, right?”

  He nodded. They all knew how Sylvia Ross operated. It didn’t matter if she was happy, mad, sad, excited, or had just heard a song that hit her in the feels—she cried. “Oh, I know.”

  “My point is,” Mitch continued, “your mother and I, we both think Drew is very lucky to have you. They both are. You’ve been…well, I think Eric would be really pleased with how you’ve stepped up to help his family.”

  Ben turned and looked at his father again and couldn’t help but notice the unshed tear in his eye, but he didn’t mention it. “I hope so,” he said instead. “I know it’s not a very normal situation, but…” He trailed off, unsure of how he should tell his father about his increased feelings for Drew. “You know I’ve always cared for Drew,” he said after a moment. “And Austin, well…”

  “It’s okay, son.” His father grinned at him. “I know there are feelings there,” he said. “More than just…well, your mother and I, we’ve long suspected that you cared for Drew and now…well, like I said, I think she’s very lucky to have you. And I think Eric would be happy for you, too.”

  Ben let that sink in. He’d tried not to think of how Eric would feel about any of it, and just as he’d told Drew the night before, no one else’s opinion mattered. The only thing that mattered was how they felt.

  But that was a lie.

  Without even realizing it, Ben had been worried about what his parents would say.

  “I love her.” He spoke the words slowly, letting each word sit on his tongue for a moment. “I really do.”

  His father nodded. “Not that you need it,” he said. “But you have our blessing. There is no one else who I could imagine would take better care of Drew and Austin. And I mean that.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  “And how does Drew feel?”

  It was the
most intimate conversation he could ever remember having with his father. But just as the last year had changed his physical presence, it had also altered him on the inside as well. Which was why Ben answered honestly. “I’m not sure. Everything is still so new and we haven’t really had much of a chance to spend much time alone together.”

  “Well, we should change that.” His dad pushed up from the lawn chair. “Your mother and I will take Austin for the night and let the two of you have some alone time. Would that help?”

  Ben didn’t know whether it would help Drew figure out her feelings, or more accurately, figure out how to be okay with her feelings, but he did know that it would be more than helpful as far as having some quality time alone with her. And although he had no interest in rushing her into feeling anything and definitely not into saying anything she wasn’t ready for, he was very interested in having some alone time.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The last thing Drew wanted to do on Tuesday night was leave Austin with a babysitter and go to the Log and Jam with her friends. But Amber had insisted. They all needed to be at the Log and Jam, no exceptions. What she really wanted to do was put her sweatpants on, pull her hair up into a ponytail, pour herself a glass of wine and spend some time alone with her thoughts.

  More like her memories.

  Eric would have been thirty-six years old.

  She’d woken up with a deep sense of loss like she hadn’t felt in months. If things had been different, she would no doubt have been planning a big party with all of their friends, some sort of embarrassing pictures or a video slide show or something equally mortifying that showcased some of his more ridiculous moments.

  Just as she had every year, Drew would have cooked him a huge breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and waffles. All of his breakfast favorites, because, “Why should I have to pick just one on my birthday?” he’d joked with her their first year married when she’d asked what he wanted for his birthday breakfast. Every year since then, she’d made a point to cook them all.

  Except today.

  Drew had toyed with the idea of cooking the feast anyway, but ultimately she couldn’t bring herself to do it and had poured Austin a bowl of cereal instead while she sipped at a cup of strong coffee. They had, however, sang him “Happy Birthday,” because Austin had insisted and there was no way she could refuse that request.

  The melancholy feeling had weighed heavy on her all day and instead of trying to brush it off, she let herself sit with it. When Austin went out to the backyard to play with a neighbor boy, Drew dug out a photo album and curled up on the couch. She flipped slowly through the pages, looking at the photos of Eric as a baby to a boy, to the teenager she’d fallen in love with and the man who’d been her husband.

  She let herself linger on their wedding photo and traced her finger along the edge of the plastic-covered picture. His eyes were so full of life, of the promise of the future. On his arm, she was young and in love, her own head filled with thoughts of everything their life together would contain.

  They were going to have it all.

  And they had.

  “Today is the start of everything.” Drew could still remember the way Eric had whispered in her ear only moments after they’d said their vows. “We are going to have the most amazing life.”

  She’d believed him. With her entire heart and soul, she believed every word he said. Because of course they were going to have an amazing life. And they had. Until everything crashed down around them.

  When you’re a young bride with your entire life laid out ahead of you, the last thing you would ever expect is that in only a few years, decades shy of what you expected, that perfect life would be gone.

  “You should be here,” she whispered to the picture.

  She gave herself a few minutes to cry and feel the loss of her husband in a different way before she wiped her eyes and put the album away. She could almost hear Eric telling her to stop crying, just the way he had in the months leading up to his death.

  “Tears won’t bring me back,” he’d said to her. “Promise me you won’t spend time crying and feeling sad.”

  She’d smacked his arm and refused. “You can’t make me promise that.”

  “Don’t I know it.” He’d chuckled. “But I can still try.” He’d grown serious then and taken her hand in his. “I mean it, Drew. I know you’re going to be sad and some days will be harder than others—I know that. But promise me you won’t waste too much time after I’m gone.”

  It was a promise she’d made, which was why, even though it was the last thing she wanted to do, later that night, Drew arranged a babysitter for Austin, changed out of her sweatpants and as per Amber’s request, joined her friends at the pub.

  Drew had considered reminding Amber what the day meant because surely then she wouldn’t have been mad if Drew stayed home. But in the end, she hadn’t bothered. It was probably better for her to go out and be around people.

  And Ben. Besides a few texts earlier that day, they hadn’t had a chance to discuss how either of them were feeling on Eric’s birthday. And she knew she wasn’t the only one feeling the loss. After lunch, she’d taken Austin and went down the street to visit Sylvia and Mitch. Mitch and Austin played catch in the yard while Sylvia and Drew drank a glass of lemonade and talked.

  “It’s such a strange thing to see him sometimes,” Sylvia had said.

  “Austin?”

  She nodded. “He just looks so much like Eric at that age, that sometimes I catch myself thinking it is him.” She turned quickly and put her hand on Drew’s arm. “Don’t worry, I’m not going crazy. It’s just…”

  “It’s okay.”

  Sylvia nodded. “You just never think your son isn’t going to be around, you know?”

  Did she ever. Drew could never imagine anything happening to Austin. It would be unthinkable. But she didn’t say so.

  “You’re not supposed to outlive your children,” Sylvia said thoughtfully. “But I sure am glad to have you, Drew. And Austin, of course.” She squeezed Drew’s arm and looked her in the eyes. “And Ben, too. To see you all together the way you are. Well…it makes my heart happy, Drew. It really does.”

  Impulsively, Drew had hugged her mother-in-law. “I’m so glad, Sylvia. I miss Eric so much.”

  “I know you do, sweetie. We all do. But I think he’d be very pleased to see you all loving again.”

  Drew hadn’t said anything to her then, but she’d thought about Sylvia’s words all day.

  Loving.

  Love.

  It had been a few days already since he’d said the L-word and they hadn’t discussed it. At all. It’s not that she didn’t have intense feelings for him. She did. But she still wasn’t sure how she was supposed to feel about anything and it was all still new for her. More than that, she’d never said those three words to anyone else. Would she be able to?

  Despite her intense desire to stay home, Drew managed to pick out a somewhat dressier top to match with her skinny jeans and even put a little bit of makeup on. She drew the line at doing her hair and opted for a ponytail after all. But the end result wasn’t bad, and it was certainly good enough for a pub night. She couldn’t do anything about the redness of her eyes except hope no one would notice.

  “To the happy couple.” Ben was the first to raise his glass in a toast after Amber and Logan announced their engagement. An announcement that surprised no one, except for maybe Amber, it seemed.

  When Drew told him how Amber had confided her worry over their relationship and how she thought Logan hadn’t wanted the same things she did, it was everything he could do not to laugh. Maybe he didn’t understand women. No, he definitely didn’t understand women because from where he was standing, he could see how much Logan loved her and when it came to loving a woman, a man would do anything for her.

  He wasn’t surprised in the least that just by loving Amber, Logan had changed his mind for everything he wanted in his future. Love could do that.

/>   Just thinking of love had Ben turning his head and searching through the crowd at the Log and Jam for the woman he loved.

  Drew still hadn’t said it back, but he wasn’t in a rush. Some things just didn’t need to be rushed.

  He spotted her on the other side of the patio, sipping her drink in response to the happy couple.

  But she didn’t look happy.

  She looked distracted. Just the way she had all night. And Ben knew exactly why.

  He set his glass down and wound his way through the crowd toward her. The moment he was in reach, he slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her close into his body. She smelled of lemons and a touch of rosemary, as if she’d been in the kitchen, cooking something recently. Which was likely. Ben inhaled the scent of her before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to the base of her neck. “How are you doing today?”

  She tensed slightly in his arms before relaxing.

  “I’m doing okay.” She turned so he could look in her eyes and see the sadness there. But there was something more as well. Hope. Love. And even under it all, happiness. “It’s a strangely hard day.”

  “It is.” Ben absolutely agreed with that. His big brother would have been thirty-six and all day he couldn’t stop thinking of it and how completely unfair it was that Eric was gone.

  Yes, he had Drew in his arms, but he would have given it all up if it meant things could have been different. In a heartbeat.

  “He would have been happy that everyone was together tonight, though,” Drew said. “Even if it doesn’t have anything to do with him.”

  “Probably more so because it doesn’t have anything to do with him.” He laughed. “He probably wouldn’t have wanted a celebration of his advancing age.”

  “True.” Drew turned and wrapped her arms around his waist. Around them, the party swirled with people and conversation, but as far as Ben was concerned, Drew was the only one in the room. “We sang him ‘Happy Birthday’ this morning,” she told him. “Is that strange?”