The Ayatollah's Money

by Richard Dorrance

  Chapter 43 – Big George

  Little Jinny Blistov was the one who told Roger about the Lake Como News, the local rag that prints photos of kids playing soccer and old guys playing bocce. It had a hardcopy version and a web version, and Roger asked Jinny how he’d found it. “I wanted to know who this guy Clooney is, since my job will be bodyguard, try to keep Gale from molesting him all the time. So I did some research on his movies and his love life and his mansions, and I found photos of his villa on Lake Como, and there was a story about how he reads this local newspaper because he wants to pretend he’s not just a rich movie star, but a regular guy who lives in this Italian town and wants to know what’s going on.”

  Roger said, “Good job. I don’t know if he really reads it or just says he does, but we’ll run the ad in it, for sure.”

  And it was a good thing they did because there was Big George, sitting on the porch of Villa Oleandra, located in the little town of Laglio, on Lake Como, in northern Italy, drinking a fruit smoothie and reading the Lake Como News. And there he was, turning the first page and seeing on the third page the full color gloss news story ad that said he and Steven Soderberg were going to make some kind of filmyplay thing in Charleston, South Carolina, and it was going to be made entirely in a little theater, and it was going to start production soon, and the world was waiting to find out who the babe is who is going to star opposite him. He read the whole thing, ostensibly a long quotation by the Chamber of Commerce announcing the production and wishing him and Soderberg well, saying Charleston was giving them the Key to the City, and the entire town awaited their arrival with open arms. Down at the bottom he read “Produced and Distributed by June Enterprises”, which was followed by a phone number and an email address. He called his personal assistant, Monique, showed her the paper and said, “What the hell is this?”

  She read the story, looked at him and said, “You’re doing a movie soon and you didn’t tell me? What about all the stuff you have going on over the next six months?”

  “I’m not doing a movie in Charleston. That’s what I’m asking you. What the hell is this?”

  Monique took the paper and went into the house, where she got on the computer. She came out on the porch ten minutes later and said, “Looks like you ARE doing a movie in Charleston. It’s all over the world; most big newspapers, Le Monde, New York Times, LA Times, London Telegraph; and it's on all the entertainment websites and TV websites and news websites. Same story, same graphics, all full page full color. Must have cost someone a fortune to do this, millions.”

  “Who did it?” asked George.

  “They all say the same thing: June Enterprises, with the phone number and the email.”

  “Would you get Steven on the phone, please? I wonder if he’s seen this scam.”

  Five minutes later George was talking with Soderberg, who was in his condo in New York. George said, “Hey, how you doing? How’s Jules?”

  Steven said, “We’re good. Being lazy in retirement, cooking a lot of Italian. How 'bout you?”

  “Great, great. Here at Oleandra for a couple of weeks.”

  “Guess you’re calling about the Charleston story. We just saw it in The Times. Nice graphic design, nice writing. Very catchy. Who’s June Enterprises?”

  “No idea. Thought they might be friends of yours?”

  “Whoever they are, they have balls.”

  George said, “They also have money. All that shit cost a bundle.”

  “Money for the ads and money for lawyers, if we go after them. Hold on, Jules says there’s an interview about it on TV.” George poured Monique a smoothie and read the story again. Then Steven came back on the phone. “We’re watching it, some babe named Gale, in Charleston. She’s talking about the production.” Another delay, more sipping the cantaloupe smoothies, then, “She’s talking like this is a done deal. We’re coming to town soon, the production is gearing up. The interviewer just asked who’s playing opposite you, and she said that’s a secret. Hold on, there's more....” George waited, watching Monique’s throat as the juice went down, down.... “Now she’s talking about what we’re doing, says it’s not a movie and not a play, but it will be produced entirely in a small theater in Charleston. What the hell is that, if it’s not a film or a play? This Gale girl is really cute. I bet she’s got a wild streak. Hold on....” “Not as cute as you, Jules.” “George, now she’s talking about the plot of this thing, whatever it is, says it about a woman from the Middle East, some country there, they’re all the same, Gale says, who steals a bunch of money from a VIP, gets out of there, ends up in Charleston; then the VIP sends an assassination team after her. Wait a minute....oh, I get it, the woman meets you in Charleston, and you hook up, and then when the assassins arrive, you protect her. That’s it; that’s the plot. Says again the actress who plays the woman is secret, only you and I know who she is. You know who she is, George?”

  “No. You?”

  “Not yet, but I got an idea or two. I like fixing you up with babes.”

  “I can understand that, knowing how much fun it is fixing myself up with babes....Monique, I’m joking.”

  Steven said, “I wonder what something is that’s not a film and not a play, that’s done entirely in one building?”

  “That’s your department; you’re the director, the creative one; I’m the cow.”

  Monique said, “Steer. You’re a steer. Cows are female cattle.”

  George said to Steven, “Monique agrees with Hitchcock that I should be treated like a cattle. You agree with that?”

  “Steer. Cattle is plural. Yes, George, you should be treated like a steer. Now, what are we going to do? Maybe I’m bored learning to cook Italian, but there’s something interesting about this. Doing something with you in a small building, interesting plot, I have no problem satirizing the politics of the Middle East, bunch of crazies. You busy right now? Who would you like to work with?”

  “Who would I like to work with, on what? This is a scam? Yes, I’m busy.” He asks Monique what he’s busy with?

  “You got the meeting with the Mayor here in a few days about fixing up the shrine with the painting of the weeping virgin in it that has the tears coming out from the wall; and you got Willie Nelson’s barbecue down in Austin, you’re buying the pigs; and you got the date with whatshername, the redhead, in that Hong Kong restaurant she likes, at the end of the month; and you got the Darfur benefit in Nairobi next month. That’s about it. You’re not giving all that up for this, are you?”

  Talking to Steven he says, “You hear that? I’m busy.”

  “Yes, George, I heard, and the Darfur benefit’s important, but you're not serious about the other things. That’s what George Clooney does with his time?”

  “And your great achievement in your well-earned retirement from the creative life is learning that you don’t boil the pasta for forty minutes before serving it with your hamburger and canned tomato sauce?” Monique snickered.

  The two guys rested their vocals for a minute, George sipping the smoothie and Steven covering the phone and asking his wife how George knew about the pasta thing. Then Steven said, “Look, why don’t we call these June Enterprises people and see what this is all about. Who knows? Maybe you, me, and Zeta-Jones can get together again. That was one fun movie to make.”

  “Me and Zellweger. She was a riot. God, was she funny. I’d do something with her again in a minute.”

  “Can you get Monique to set up a conference call tomorrow?”

  “Yeah, we can do that. We’ll let you know. Don’t burn the pasta,” and he hung up. Then he said to Monique, “I wonder who these Junies are? This is quite the scam. I got a feeling about them. You ever been to Charleston?”