I dropped my hairbrush and spun around to face him. “I couldn’t care less about Liang. In fact, I don’t know why someone like her would want to date you. She’s too good for you from what I hear. And as for me treating her badly, I’ve not ever said a word to her. You on the other hand, treat Jackson like crap and yet you still expect him to give you a ride to school every day.”
“I have my reasons for hating him and you know it. Liang isn’t trying to ruin my life, Jackson’s ruining yours,” he spat.
“That’s your opinion, not mine,” I shouted back.
“That’s a fact and you’re just too blind and stupid to see it!”
My jaw dropped in stunned silence for a moment. “Then perhaps you can find another way to school from here on out,” I said calmly.
“Fine, give me the car keys.” He held out his hand.
“I will not. That’s my car, not yours.”
“If you’re riding with Jackson, then I can use the car.” He reached for my purse resting on my bed but I flung myself upon it before he could grab anything more than the strap.
He pulled hard on the strap. “Move your fat butt! I’m taking the keys!”
“You are not . . . let go!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
“You let go!” Ethan yanked even harder on the purse straps, snapping one side off my purse. He then fell backwards across the floor. “Give me the freakin’ keys!” he immediately jumped back to his feet only to be met with a swift kick to the abdomen.
“I can’t believe you . . . you broke my purse!” I screamed.
Ethan stumbled back for a moment then launched himself on me trying to dig the purse out from beneath me. Suddenly fists and feet were flying and loose tongues hurled a constant stream of insults that were enough to send both our parents running into my room.
“Ethan! Jocelyn! Stop that . . . right now!” Mom screamed from the doorway.
Our dad leapt forward, pulling Ethan off of me and stood between the two of us. “Enough!” he shouted loud enough that it rang in my ears. “What in the world is going on in here?”
“He tried to get in my purse and broke the strap when I wouldn’t give it to him!” I shouted through anger and tears.
“She wouldn’t give me the car keys!” Ethan screamed back.
“It’s MY CAR!” I spat over my dad’s shoulder at Ethan.
“You’re not even driving it and I need a way to get to school since you won’t let me ride with you and Jackson!”
“WALK!” I screamed.
“Enough!” Dad yelled again.
He turned towards our mother looking for some help, but she just shook her head and walked away, leaving him to deal with us alone. “All right . . . fine,” he took a deep breath and looked between the two of us. “Ethan sit.” He pointed down at the floor.
“But?” My brother tried to protest.
“I said sit! And you . . .” he looked directly at me. “Sit down.” I slowly sat down on the corner of my bed. Our dad paced across my floor running his fingers through his hair like he’d finally reached his limit with our antics. Finally he stopped and looked down at his son. “Ethan, did you try and get in her purse?”
“Well she . . .” he began, but Dad cut him off.
“Did you try to get in your sister’s purse?”
“Yes,” he replied in a low voice.
“Are you allowed to ever go in your mother’s or your sister’s purse?” Dad asked, struggling to control his tone.
“No, but . . .”
“Are you?” Dad raised his voice again.
“No,” Ethan conceded.
“Fine, then you will pay for her purse.”
“But . . .”
“No buts, you will pay for the purse.”
“She won’t give me the keys to the car!” Ethan raised his voice before he realized it. Dad’s face got redder than it already was.
“And why should she?” Dad narrowed his eyes at his son.
“Because I need to drive to school since she won’t let me ride with them anymore,” Ethan lowered his voice a bit but not much.
“So you feel you are entitled to drive her car?”
“She’s not driving it,” Ethan fired back.
“It’s her car, not yours!” Ethan’s ears turned a bright red telling me he was about to explode. I could see him struggling to control his temper with our dad and tried not to laugh out loud at his pain.
“Then what am I supposed to do?”
“You could try not being an ass to your sister or get a ride with one of your friends.” Dad smiled coyly at him. “Or you could always ride the bus.”
Ethan stood up. “I’d rather walk.” Then left my room.
“That’s certainly your choice,” Dad hollered after him before turning his attention towards me. “As for you young lady, what provoked this behavior?”
“He’s expecting me to give him rides, be nice to his girlfriend, and do things for him when he’s continually being an ass to me and Jackson.”
“Language . . .”
“Sorry . . . but I’m sick of it.”
He sat down on my bed next to me. He pointed at the red welts on my arms and lightly touched the side of my face. “Looks like he got you pretty good.”
“Yeah, but I think I may have given him a couple bruises too.” I tried to smile.
He put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a gentle squeeze. “What am I going to do with all of you? I am so tired of everyone in this house fighting all the time.”
“I know. Me too,” I whispered.
CHAPTER 18
Saturday, December 10, 1878
I WOKE UP and immediately put my hand up to my face. There was a strange tingling, an almost burning sensation on my cheek and the corner of my mouth. I felt like someone had smacked me. A feeling of frustration and anxiety ripped through me.
I climbed out of bed and put on my robe and slippers. I could hear others starting to move about when I opened my door and made my way down the front staircase. I wanted desperately to run across the street and ask Jackson what had happened there to elicit such emotions and cause the strange sensation in my face. Still, I hated being so dependent on him for information about my own life and thought I could, if I concentrated hard enough without distractions, figure it out for myself.
I sat down at the table and Sarah came in carrying a tray filled with hot cakes, syrup, bacon scrambled eggs, and coffee. The smell was intoxicating and my stomach began to grumble. Before I could even get my first cup of coffee William came into the dining room carrying the morning paper. He was dressed in his trousers and shirt, absent a tie. His suspenders hung below his waist and his hair was uncombed.
“Good morning, how did you sleep?” I greeted him while sipping my coffee.
He pulled out his chair with a huff and laid the paper beside his plate on the table before pouring himself some coffee. “Fine,” he muttered.
“Is Olivia coming down?” I began to wonder if they were fighting and if that was the cause of his foul mood.
“No, she asked Mimi to bring her breakfast upstairs. I do not know what to do to help her.” He looked over at me with sad pleading eyes. “Some days I think she is going to be all right and then others . . . I mean we are all mourning the loss of the baby, but there will be others.”
“I think this goes much deeper than just losing the baby. She lost her parents and her brothers and her standing because of the baby and now she is probably feeling that losing the baby is payback for her behavior,” I said, speculating.
“But that is absurd. Losing the baby is not payback. It is one of those things that happen sometimes. Our mother had a couple of miscarriages also, did she not?” he reasoned while stacking the pancakes on his plate.
“Yes, two I believe.”
“There . . . you see, she is being ridiculous.” He drowned his plate in maple syrup.
“Please tell me you have not said that to her?”
“No, o
f course not. I value my life.” He smiled between bites. “She is always so sad and there is nothing I can say or do to make any difference.”
“I believe time is the only thing that is going to help. Father said physically she is fine, she is just grieving.”
“Good morning, my children. How are you both doing today?” Mother walked into the room followed directly by Father.
“Good morning,” he greeted while pulling out a chair for his wife.
“Morning,” William and I replied in unison.
Our father helped himself to some eggs while Sarah walked around the table pouring my parents a cup of coffee. “So what is on everyone’s agenda today?”
“Studying,” William replied between bites.
“I believe Jackson has set up a couple more houses for us to look at this afternoon.” I pushed my hardly touched breakfast away from me. “I am beginning to lose all hope in finding something suitable before our wedding.”
“Oh, I am sure you both will find a charming little home before then.” Mother played with her eggs. “I know you feel frustrated right now but you mustn’t get disheartened.”
“I believe you have more faith than I do, Mother.” I grinned slightly and took another sip of coffee.
After breakfast I returned to my room where Mimi helped me get ready for my day. She carefully curled my hair after she stuffed me into my corset and dress. The strings were tied so tightly I felt like I could not breathe. We chatted about the gaudy house and touched a little on Olivia’s depression.
“Ya no child I’s think we shall try something a bit more your status.” Mimi began twisting up my hair around her delicate fingers.
“Mimi, what are you doing?”
“You gonna be married in a bit, you gonna have to wear it up from now on. You best get used to it.” She nodded her head slightly at me in the mirror, tucking my long waves and curls up to the nape of my neck.
“Ah . . . Mimi, please not just yet. I do not wish to look older than I must.”
“Now’s, Miss . . .”
“Please, not today. Let me wear it down. Jackson loves my hair so,” I pleaded with my eyes at her reflection.
“All right.” She smiled and let go of my hair. It cascaded down over my shoulders like a warm blanket of autumn sunshine.
“Thank you,” I held her eyes in the mirror.
When she was finished I sat down in my window seat and leaned my head against the cold glass with my eyes closed. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly trying to fully relax my body. I could see myself sitting next to Jenna in a hot stuffy large room. There were scores of people about hollering and cheering, it was almost deafening. I was watching Ethan and Jackson playing a game that I also played in my life there. Yet for some bizarre reason I felt very ill feelings toward Ethan.
I opened my eyes and stared out the window. The Chandler home was barely visible through the morning fog that hovered grossly across the lawns. I turned back towards my bedroom and this harsh eerie feeling fell over me. I could almost see Ethan standing in my doorway, anger marring his attractive brow. I could feel the fury building up within me. We exchanged heated cruel words in a loud tone. Then the unthinkable occurred. We were atop my bed struggling over a pocketbook. We were scratching, punching, and tearing at each other. I had never felt so appalled at my behavior before.
How in the world can I act in such a manner?
Then I realized my father, Shane, was amongst all the excitement, tearing Ethan and I apart. I quickly closed my eyes not wanting to see anymore. The stinging sensation tore through my face once again. My hands instantly covered my face in shame and astonishment.
Have things in my home there truly escalated to violence? Do Ethan and I or my mother, Amy, and I feel such distain towards one another? Such contempt? Such malice?
I rose and paced the room searching for a reason why I allowed myself to be subjected to such torment on a daily basis. Surely I was an adult there just I am here so what could possibly hold me in such a miserable state. I glanced back at my doorway and I knew the answer . . . Shane. I loved him dearly and he believed in me. His faith in my decision had given me great strength.
***
Jackson arrived early in the afternoon looking stunning in his blue suit, hat, and overcoat. It was snowing lightly and little flakes clung loosely to his wool coat. I tied my winter bonnet loosely over my curls. He helped me on with my coat and handed me my muff.
“Are you ready?” He extended his arm for me to take as Eddie opened the front door.
“As ready as I will ever be.” I held onto his arm tightly and walked out to the carriage.
He placed the quilt over my legs and settled back into the seat beside me. Eddie climbed up into his seat and took the reins. The carriage gently lunged forward down the lane. I rested my head upon his shoulder. listening to the sounds of the hoofs on the cobblestones beneath us. It was so peaceful and familiar.
“You have been awfully quiet. Is everything all right?” Jackson leaned over and kissed the top of my head.
“Are things really that miserable in my household there?” I looked imploringly into his emerald eyes.
“Why do you ask?”
“I believe last evening Ethan and I had a physical altercation. We were arguing and then screaming at one another and the next thing I realized it had become physical.” I sat up straight to see his face better.
“I know there has been a great deal of tension in your household.”
“Did you not hear me? We had a physical altercation.” I could not believe how blasé he was being.
“I heard you.”
“And . . . this does not surprise you?”
He shook his head slightly. “No, not really.”
I was completely appalled. “What do you mean this does not surprise you?”
“I don’t say that to upset you. What I mean is it’s not out of the ordinary for the two of you to have the occasional skirmish. Granted, I believe they were more frequent when you both were much younger, but it does still occur once in a while,” he tried to explain.
“I cannot believe this!”
“Darling, siblings often squabble with each other. Truly it is no different than how you argue with William.”
“We have never had a physical altercation in our lives, not even when we were young.” I could not believe he was trying to justify what had happened.
“I know. I understand how horrifying it may sound to you, but I can assure you that your behavior last evening is not out of the ordinary in that time period.” Jackson began to look exasperated.
“I had no idea the situation had become so dire. I cannot believe I reside in a home so full of hostility.” I leaned my head back against his shoulder.
“I realize that it has not been easy on you and the more the barrier depletes, the more difficult it will be.” He ran his fingers lightly through my hair as the carriage came to a halt. “I guess we better get this over with.”
“If we must.” Eddie opened the door and offered me his hand.
***
Three hours and five homes later we pulled up to our porch. Jackson’s mood had switched to an almost humorous tone. The homes we had toured ranged from one extreme of luxury to borderline rustic. All he could do at this point was laugh. I believe he didn’t know what else to do. I, on the other hand, was beginning to believe that we were never going to find a home of our own. At least not until we could afford to build one in the next few years.
The noise was deafening when we opened the front door. My uncles and their families plus my siblings and theirs were all there scrambling throughout the downstairs. Everyone was there for a dinner to celebrate the news of James and Rachel’s newest bundle.
The conversation circulated around the baby, our house hunting adventures, and the final preparations for the wedding. Everyone was talking and no one was doing any listening. The excitement was boiling over as the days were drawing closer. Jackson discussed hi
s positivity in finding a charming starter home while I expressed my uncertainty in doing so. However, our parents seemed confident that we would find something within the general vicinity that we would be more than satisfied with. Still, since they had not seen the homes we had, I was more than less optimistic.
After dinner when everyone had settled down a bit and broke off into smaller conversations, my uncle Nicholas joined me off to the side of the crowd in the corner of the parlor. I was in a somber mood after such a long day and was trying to figure out how to gracefully sneak upstairs.
“Hiding?” He snuck up behind me.
I jumped a tad. “No, of course not.”
“How are you holding up?”
“Honestly, I am not sure.” I explained to him the bizarre feelings I experienced when I awoke that morning and how I recalled what had transpired between Ethan and I.
“How do you feel about that?” He handed me a cup of coffee from the tray that Sarah was walking around with.
“Thank you. Honestly, it disturbs me a great deal. And to make matters worse, Jackson is acting like the entire experience was no big deal.” I waved my hand for emphasis.
“To him I would imagine it wasn’t. He has become accustomed to living on both planes for several years now and has seen a great many things on both. By now, I am sure there is little that would surprise him.” I knew he was attempting to make me feel better and I loved him for it although it didn’t work.
“Is this normal? I mean what is happening to me, what I am feeling?”
“Yes, perfectly normal. I know it can be unsettling at times, even unnerving, but I can promise you that it does get easier.” Uncle Nicholas put a fatherly arm around me.
“Please don’t take offense, but I am really tired of people saying that.” I unintentionally rolled my eyes.
He chucked heartedly. “I am sure you are.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m sorry. I mean no disrespect. This whole concept is . . . confusing at best. And I just do not feel like myself any longer.”
“But you are still you. Your world has expanded, is all. You have been blessed with such an amazing gift. Do you realize how fortunate you are? You get to witness the progress of mankind far beyond anything you could ever imagine in this lifetime.” He was so passionate in his argument.
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