Perception

by A. L. Waddington

  I snuggled up with the pillow next to me and thought about the children that Jackson and I would have ten years from now. A tear escaped from the corner of my eye and landed on the pillow. I hated the thought of having to wait so long to begin our family. I was so jealous of Rachel for being pregnant now. I truly was happy for her and my brother and excited about having another niece or nephew, but I was envious also. I could still see the photos in that album and the little faces of my angels: Gavin, Ethan, and my sweet little Alyssa. They haunted me. And I knew they were going to haunt me for years to come.

  I tightened my grip on the pillow and felt very alone.

  CHAPTER 29

  Thursday, December 24, 2009

  JACKSON WALKED UP behind me and rested his head on my shoulder. I stared at our reflection in the mirror, thinking how happy I was to be here with him and his family. I was having the best time with Phoebe and Emily. They were both patiently teaching me how to cook, taking me shopping, and Jackson had even taught me how to ice skate. This was by far the best Christmas break I had ever had.

  “Jocelyn?” he whispered in my ear. “Will you marry me?” I could feel his lips brushing against my neck setting fire to every neuron in my body.

  I looked at his serious expression in the mirror. “Yes,” I turned to kiss him fiercely.

  “Today?” He stopped to look deeply into my eyes.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Very much so.”

  “But what about our wedding in June?”

  “That is for them. This would be for us.” I stood there completely at a loss for words. “One of my father’s friends is a judge and he has agreed to marry us this evening. This way we would have the same anniversary in both our lives: Christmas Eve. We would not have to tell anyone back in Chicago. This would be for us. That way you would be my wife on both planes.”

  “My goodness, you’re serious aren’t you?” I took a small step back and bumped into the dresser.

  “Yes.” The lopsided grin that I loved slid across his shapely lips as he took me back into his arms. “I love you more than I could ever put properly into words. I would be honored if you would become my wife this evening.” He leaned over and kissed me tenderly.

  “But I don’t have a dress . . . my family, our friends?” I stumbled.

  “We can have our big wedding in June just as we planned. As for your gown, I am sure Phoebe has something that would be suitable.” Jackson’s eyes held my own.

  “And your family already knows about this?” I hesitated a moment before the full picture truly emerged in my mind. “Wait a second . . . you all planned, this didn’t you? That’s why I am here and the trip to New York is supposed to be our honeymoon, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, I wanted it to be a surprise.”

  “Well, you succeeded. I am surprised, that’s for sure.” My thoughts were whirling all over the place, and I could not think straight. All I could think about was escaping the horrors that had become my home and my life in Chicago and beginning my new life with the man I loved more than anything else in this world.

  “And?”

  “And I say yes!” I threw my arms around his neck.

  Phoebe, Emily, and I spent the next three hours hidden away in Phoebe and Carson’s bedroom. Her walk-in closet was the size of a storage locker. When Jackson had said that she had a slight obsession with clothes, shoes, and accessories, he wasn’t kidding. It was like being caught up in one of Sidney’s dreams. I had never seen anything like it outside of Carrie’s closet in the Sex and the City movie.

  I spent the first two hours mainly feeling foolish in my bra and panties trying on various gowns that Phoebe had worn on previous New Year’s Eves, Christmas parties, and elegant business dinners. She was slightly taller than I so all of the full-length gowns looked ridiculous on me. There was no way I could wear them without at least five-inch heels and I was having great difficulty not falling in three inch ones.

  The three of us finally agreed on a silk winter white gown that clung gracefully to my body. The open back draped loosely down to the small of my back. The front hung the same way atop my breasts yet enhanced them in a very fashionable way. The spaghetti straps were so delicate I was almost sure that I was going to break them. They crisscrossed across my back to the sides of the thin silk material. The gown hung just below mid-calf on me and had a slit in the side that reached all the way up to my right hip. It was so soft and delicate and felt very foreign to me. It was definitely more Sidney’s style than my casual jeans and sweatshirt garb, but I knew Jackson was going to love it. Thankfully, I wouldn’t have to worry about wearing it outside.

  Phoebe handed me her matching three-inch heels with the thin ankle straps. They made my legs look so long and shapely. I felt more like I was getting ready for the prom than getting married. I was so nervous. My stomach was in knots and my hands were shaking so badly I had to take a deep breath and close my eyes for a moment just to get the buckles fastened on my heels.

  By four o’clock Emily said she was going downstairs to help Leslie get dinner started. I couldn’t help but wonder what she and Carson must be thinking in light of this impromptu wedding and my absentee family, especially after my family’s behavior on Thanksgiving. They probably had the worst impression of them possible. It was with that realization that it finally occurred to me that I was actually getting married without any of my friends or family present. I desperately wanted nothing more than my dad at that moment and for him to be the one to give me away instead of Robert. I turned my back to Phoebe and hastily brushed a tear off my cheek.

  “Jocelyn, are you all right?”

  “Sure, just getting a little nervous.” It wasn’t exactly a lie.

  “I know my little brother sprung this on you out of the blue.” She shook her head. “I told him he should have spoken to you about this earlier.”

  “I know it may sound childish to say, but I wish my dad could be here.” The tears slowly slid down my face.

  “I know these last few months have been difficult with your mother and brother. Jackson explained to us what was going on. I’m sorry that they are taking this so hard.” She wrapped her arms around me and let me cry on her shoulder.

  “I wish they could be happy for me. If they would at least try and understood how much we love each other, how happy he makes me . . .” I blubbered.

  “They will . . . in time,” Phoebe did her best to comfort me. “Now, we must get busy or we are going to run out of time and we cannot have the bride with red swollen eyes, so dry your tears.”

  I sat down at the vanity mirror in her oversized bathroom. She had nearly as big a collection of cosmetics as her mother. Phoebe pulled my hair up away from my face and began working on my make-up. Like her mother, she had the knack of beauty and style with an untethered grace that was seldom seen in our current time.

  I watched her carefully, thinking I could never match her skill at applying make-up so perfectly. When she was finished she unclipped my hair and let it fall loosely around my shoulders. “I think we should leave your hair down since we are going for casual. I am just going to add a few curls around your face.”

  I took a deep breath and smiled at her reflection. In the back of my mind I could almost see Mimi’s face instead of Phoebe’s looking back at me. It was the strangest sort of déjà vu I had ever experienced. I shuddered briefly trying to clear my mind. “Whatever you think is fine with me.”

  Standing back from me Phoebe examined her masterpiece. “I think you are ready.” She held my hands out in her own. “You look absolutely gorgeous.”

  There was a knock at the door. “May I come in?” Emily cracked the door a bit.

  “Of course,” Phoebe answered.

  She walked in wearing a beautiful satin and lace sage dress with long sleeves and skirt. Her hair was pinned up, eloquently showing off her slender neck. She was wearing a red Christmas apron on over it to protect her dress in the kitchen.

  “Oh, Jocely
n, you look so beautiful.” She hugged me loosely so as not to mess up our dresses.

  “Thank you, so do you.” Emily walked over and sat down on the corner of her daughter’s bed while Phoebe slipped back into her closet to change clothes herself.

  “Please, have a seat dear.” She patted the spot beside her. I came over and carefully sat down trying not to wrinkle my gown. She took my hands in hers. “Jocelyn, I know this is not how you envisioned your wedding and you do not have to go through with this if you truly do not wish to.”

  “I know it may not be ideal. Of course I would love it if my family were here. Well, I should say that I wish my dad and Sidney were here.” I tried to smile. “Maybe not my mother and Ethan. I think they would ruin it for me. Besides, I think this way may be better. At least I will have wonderful memories of a drama free wedding day because I’m fairly certain that I will not have that for our wedding in June. I know my family will do something to make it unpleasant.”

  “I truly hope not. I know things at your house are not exactly comfortable as of late, but you must hold on to the belief that they will come around by June.” She squeezed my hands tenderly in hers.

  “Well, I’m not going to hold my breath. I know how stubborn they can be. If they ever speak to me again it will not be until I successfully complete graduate school without any children.” I shook my head in disbelief.

  “Certainly you cannot believe that.”

  “I don’t believe it, I know it.” I attempted to laugh it off, but Emily just gave me a sad look.

  Phoebe came out of the closet wearing a stunning red dress that enhanced her shapely figure. She spun around before us with one hand on her hip. “So, how do I look?”

  “Amazing.” I suddenly felt very drab in comparison.

  “I know it may be a tad too night out on the town for a wedding but it was the only thing I had left that was Christmas that was not black. I refuse to wear black at your wedding, it’s bad luck.” She sat down beside her mother.

  “You look very nice my dear.” Emily stood up and walked over to the door. “Robert will be waiting for you at the top of the stairs in about ten minutes Jocelyn.”

  “Thank you, Emily.” She closed the door behind her.

  “Are you ready?” Phoebe turned towards me.

  “I have my something old and borrowed.” I held up my wrist showing off the tennis bracelet her mother had lent me and gesturing to my entire ensemble.

  “And I have your something new and blue.” She rushed over to her dresser opening the top drawer and pulling out a small oblong box. “I bought this for your wedding in June when I saw it several weeks ago at a lingerie shop. Now I’m really glad I did.” She came back over, sat down, and handed me the box.

  Inside it was a baby blue garter trimmed in white lace. “Oh, Phoebe, It’s perfect. Thank you.” I stood up and she helped me slip it onto my right leg. I spun around and looked at myself again in the mirror. The garter was barely detectable but just knowing it was there made me feel even sexier.

  “One last thing.” She handed me a white gold band with three small diamonds inlaid in it. It was very beautiful and classy. “You will need this.”

  “Where did you get this?”

  “Jackson gave it to me downstairs.”

  “Did he show you mine?” Curiosity was killing me.

  “Of course,” she smiled coyly.

  “And . . .”

  “And you shall see it shortly.” She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.

  There was a soft knock on the door, interrupting her torment. Phoebe opened it and much to my disbelief there stood my uncle Nicholas wearing a black suit. He looked incredibly handsome.

  “Surprise.” He walked over and stood in front of me placing his hands on my arms. “You look absolutely gorgeous, dear. Jackson is a lucky man.” He gave me a fatherly hug and kissed me lightly on the cheek.

  “Thank you, Uncle Nicholas. What are you doing here? How did you know?” Phoebe smiled and slipped out the door.

  “I got a call last week from Robert telling me what Jackson had planned. So whether you agreed to get married this evening or not, either way I get to spend the first Christmas with you since you were just a child. How could I say no to that?” he explained.

  “I am so glad you’re here.” I could feel the tears welling up in the back of my eyes and I forced myself not to cry. “This means so much to me.”

  “Me too.” Again I was struck by how much he and my dad resembled one another. “Ready?”

  “Very.”

  I took his arm and we descended the stairs carefully. I was terrified I was going to fall in these heels and held his arm tighter than I intended to, but he never seemed to notice or was just too polite to say anything. At the bottom of the stairs we turned and entered the living room where everyone was gathered.

  There were no special flowers, no wedding march playing in the background although someone had turned on Bing Crosby signing Christmas carols softly. There was no aisle to walk down, no bridesmaids or groomsmen, just Jackson and someone I assumed to be their judge friend waiting for us in front of the fireplace by the Christmas tree.

  The lights in the living room were low and the Christmas tree lights glowed brightly along with several candles and the fire roaring in the hearth. Jackson was wearing a black suit with a red silk handkerchief in his front breast pocket. His brother, Robert, Carson, and Leslie had also changed into their Christmas dress attire. Uncle Nicholas leaned over and kissed me once again on the cheek then took my hand and placed it in Jackson’s.

  “You look so beautiful,” Jackson whispered with my favorite lopsided grin.

  The man standing to the side of the Christmas tree in a dark grey suit had salt and peppered hair, was clean-shaven with kind looking clear blue gray eyes. He was almost as tall as Jackson and held an air of strength about him that made him a strong presence in any room. He cleared his throat and began in a very deep voice, “I am honored to have been asked by my old friend Robert to perform the ceremony for his son and his lovely bride on Christmas Eve. I have known Robert since our college days at Harvard, stood up with him when he married his beautiful wife and was there when each of his wonderful children were born. Therefore, this day also has a special meaning for me as well.” He paused for a moment. “Jackson Wyatt Chandler, do you take Jocelyn Alyssa Timmons to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, to love, honor, and cherish and forsaking all others keep thee only unto her until death divides you?”

  “I do,” Jackson’s voice was barely audible.

  “Jocelyn Alyssa Timmons, do you take Jackson Wyatt Chandler to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, to love, honor, and cherish and forsaking all others keep thee only unto him until death divides you?”

  “I do,” I whispered.

  “Very well, now I understand that the bride and groom have written their own vows to one another.” Sheer panic rose through my chest. No one had mentioned anything to me about having to write any vows. I had nothing prepared, no clue what to say . . . my legs went numb and I tightened my grasp on Jackson’s hands.

  Jackson swallowed hard like he was trying to swallow a jawbreaker then cleared his throat. “Jocelyn, you are the love of my life. I know there are those who believe we are too young to understand what love is and what it takes to make a successful marriage. But I know that as long as I have you beside me, there is nothing in this world we cannot conquer. I look forward to each new day with you beside me. I love you.” I noticed a single tear slid down his cheek as he squeezed my hand in his and placed the band on my ring finger next to the engagement ring he had just given me. It was clear the two were a set by how well they complimented one another.

  “Jackson,” I whispered through the frog in my throat. “You have taught me the meaning of love and the great lengths that one would go through for the one they love. I am so honored to have your heart. I will protect and cherish it every day of my life. I love you with every fiber
of my being, every ounce of my soul and more with each passing day. I never dreamt of finding someone who not only I could love so much but would also be my very best friend. I love you.” I nervously placed the band on his ring finger.

  “By the power vested in me by the great state of Massachusetts I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride,” The judge stated heartedly.

  Jackson wrapped his arms around me tightly and kissed me so passionately it took my breath away. I could still hear the judge’s words echoing in my ears: husband and wife. Jackson was my husband. Truly and honestly my husband! I was married! The reality of it made my entire body go numb. I could barely hear everyone applauding behind us.

  Jackson finally released me. I stood dazed while he shook hands with the Judge and didn’t even realize my body was moving as I shook his hand also as he congratulated the both of us. My new family and Uncle Nicholas gathered around. Everyone exchanged hugs and kisses and happy words of congratulations and welcomes to the family. It was all very surreal and then someone starting snapping pictures and I saw flashes across my vision. My head began to spin. I reached out to grab Jackson’s arm to steady myself. I was suddenly very hot and felt like I was about to faint. I willed myself to focus on Jackson. I refused to spoil this moment by fainting. It would ruin this perfect day.

  After the initial hype had settled down, I was finally introduced to the man who married us, Judge Michael Stewart. He was a boisterous man with a hearty laugh. He and his wife, Sharon, a robust woman who I initially hadn’t even realized was there, stayed long enough to make a toast and take several photos with us before they announced that they must get to their son’s house for Christmas Eve dinner. He quickly led Jackson and me along with Phoebe and Alex to the dining room to sign the actual marriage license. Jackson and I signed along the dotted line and his siblings signed as our witnesses. It was done.