by Ford, Linda;
“I’m not leaving you.” It was the most he could promise. He turned to stare out the window, hoping for some peace. Joanna walked toward the pump, carrying a bucket of water in each hand. She and Cora, with Joanna’s sisters helping, had washed the walls and ceiling again. They’d scrubbed a whole lot of bedding and hung it in the cool breeze to dry. He smelled the freshness of it just looking at her. Though he couldn’t miss the lingering smoke smell inside, which grew fainter every day.
His turmoil increased by leaps and bounds. “Hang on,” he called to her. Without waiting for a response, he trotted out and reached for the pails.
His hands brushed hers as he took them. Against his orders, his gaze jerked toward her, and he couldn’t look away.
She smiled. Her eyes were soft and full of… welcome? “Thanks.”
He realized what he truly wanted. To stay. But more. To share life with Joanna.
His heart threatened to explode from his chest.
His fears cried out a protest.
He jerked back, spilling water on his boots, and hurried into the house. Rather than return to work, he made some half-intelligible excuse about taking care of the horses and hurried away, knowing he was running as he’d never run before.
Only trouble was, he couldn’t ride away until he’d finished what he set out to do.
Joanna excused herself, ducked into the bedroom, and sank to the edge of the bed. No tears. No crying. Nothing but a long ache down a familiar path. Why had she let herself care for a man so much like her pa? It served her right for feeling torn up inside.
Rudy had called himself footloose and fancy-free. He’d admitted he didn’t know how to love or be loved. He couldn’t have been much plainer.
Oh, why couldn’t the men she loved love her back?
She sat up, a hard knot in her throat. She’d waste no more time wishing for things she couldn’t have. Pulling her writing things close, she began a letter to Sarah. She’d put it off long enough, waiting for different news. Yes, she’d hoped in a secret corner of her heart—a secret corner she pretended didn’t exist—that she’d be writing to say she now had a reason to stay in Bonners Ferry… a reason that included love.
But she was staying anyway because she had no choice. The stopping house hadn’t sold. She couldn’t walk away from it.
She finished the letter and took it to be posted, lingering at the mercantile long after she’d completed her task. She didn’t know if she could face Rudy without her feelings spilling out on her face. A new shipment of yarn had arrived, and it gave her an idea. She’d make both Rudy and Freddy mittens for the winter so when they left, they would take something of her with them.
A tiny bit of her love.
Chapter 13
Miss Joanna, would you read the Bible to me?” Freddy asked as they sat for their bedtime cup of tea.
Rudy slanted a look at the boy. He read a few verses to him every night. Why was he asking Joanna to do the same?
Freddy’s gaze rested on Joanna, as adoring as the cat lapping up Freddy’s affection.
Rudy relaxed. Seems the boy only wanted some of Joanna’s attention. And he could hardly blame him for that.
“Why, certainly.” Joanna went to her bedroom to get her Bible. “Anything in particular?”
“Uncle Rudy says God loves me. I like hearing that from the Bible.”
Rudy chuckled. “You saying you don’t believe me?”
Freddy’s eyes rounded with innocence. “Just want to make sure.”
Joanna’s smile touched them both with approval. And Rudy wondered if his chest swelled as noticeably as Freddy’s. “You can believe your uncle, because he’s telling you what God says. God never lies. Never changes His mind.” She turned the pages slowly. “I think you’ll like these verses from John, chapter three. Here it is. Verse sixteen. ‘For God so loved the world…’” She read a few moments then looked up, such peace in her expression that Rudy couldn’t look away.
“Did those verses help?” she asked Freddy.
He nodded. “I liked them. Thank you.” He yawned and stretched. “Guess I’ll go to bed.”
Rudy made to push to his feet.
Freddy waved him back. “You stay and enjoy another cup of tea. I’ll get myself to bed.” And he sauntered away, leaving Rudy staring at him in surprise.
Was Freddy purposely being a matchmaker? He silently thanked him for allowing them this time to visit. Cora had gone out with Austin, so he was alone with Joanna.
“It’s nice to know you’re helping Freddy learn of God’s love.” Joanna’s gentle words warmed his heart. He realized he’d been trying so hard not to feel anything that he’d grown cold inside.
“I’ve been reading the Bible to him most nights.”
“Like I used to do with Glory and Mandy.”
“You were fortunate to have each other.”
“We realize it. And now you and Freddy have each other.”
Did she mean it to be a warning that he couldn’t expect more?
“When was the last time you heard from your pa?”
“About a year ago. He’d been in Wyoming, working on a ranch. We caught up with him there, and three days later he heard about the gold rush in the Kootenais. The three of us argued about whether or not to follow him, but there was nothing to keep us in Wyoming. When we got here, we found the stopping house.” She gave a contented chuckle. “I guess God led us here.”
“Led you?” That was a new concept. Thinking God loved him was almost more than he could get his head around. “You really think God cares what you decide to do or where you decide to live?”
“I do.” She told him of verses that made her think that way.
He shook his head. “This is hard to believe. If God leads people, then why does He allow people to do bad things?”
“Like how your mother treated you?”
The pain surfaced, stinging his eyes. “And how your pa treats you.”
“It’s like I said before. Neither of us can measure God’s love and care by how people act.”
“It’s easy to say that. But feelings don’t simply disappear in a flash.”
“I don’t mean to suggest otherwise.” She studied her hands, folded in her lap. “For years I’ve struggled with feeling I don’t deserve love.”
Why did she swallow so hard and shift her gaze away? It was all he could do to keep from reaching for her and assuring her she deserved love like no other. But could he, of all people, offer it to her?
“I tried to be mother and father to my sisters, and yet all Pa ever said to me was take care of them. And when they got into mischief as they often did, if he heard about it, he held me responsible.”
“That wasn’t fair.”
She sighed. “No, it wasn’t. But that’s just the point. People aren’t always what we want them to be. Often they fail to give us love when that’s what we want most of all.” Her gaze drilled him.
“Joanna.” He wanted to say how much he loved her. But she was worth a hundred times better man than he would ever be, and he choked back the words. “You make me want to believe without any lingering doubts.”
“I pray you will.”
At the way she sighed, he wondered if he’d disappointed her by admitting he still had doubts. But he couldn’t pretend he didn’t.
Two mornings later, Freddy hustled into his clothes. “Hurry up, Uncle Rudy. I got something to do, and you need to help me.”
“I do?” Hungry for the kind of assurance Joanna had, Rudy spent time reading his Bible. “What are we going to do that’s so important?”
“Come on. Hurry.” He practically dragged Rudy from the bedroom and across the dining room.
Joanna came to the kitchen doorway. “Are you going somewhere?”
Rudy lifted his free hand. “Freddy is, and I’m apparently going along.”
Joanna shifted her gaze to the boy. “Where are you going?”
“It’s a secret.” He pushed Rudy out the door, cl
osed it behind him, then continued his hurried trip across the yard to the toolshed. “We have to finish the cart.”
“I plumb forgot. You’re right. We’ll work on it together. But why is it so urgent?”
“It’s not why I was in such a hurry.” He climbed into the half-finished cart and pulled back a board. “I got this for Joanna.” It was a beautiful, soft piece of white rabbit fur.
“Where did you get this?”
Freddy stroked the fur and avoided Rudy’s gaze.
Rudy knew it was worth more money than the boy could possibly get his hands on honestly. “Freddy, tell me where you got this.”
“A man came over on the ferry yesterday. He had a bunch of furs. Said he planned to sell them. So I bought one.” He rushed on before Rudy could demand to know how. “I thought Joanna would like one. Feel it. It’s so nice and soft. I bet she would like to make a pillow out of it or one of those muff things ladies use to keep their hands warm.”
“Yes, I’m sure she’ll like it very much, but where did you get the money to buy it?”
Freddy jumped to the ground and came round to face Rudy. “Please don’t be mad, but I traded my knife.”
Freddy could have knocked Rudy over with his little finger. “Why would you do that?”
“Because I want her to know how much I love her.” Freddy’s face grew red. He looked down, suddenly intent on kicking a rock loose from the dirt.
“You could have just told her.”
He glanced at Rudy then back at the scuffed toe of his shoe. “I’m scared to. She might think I’m silly.”
This boy was certainly closely related to Rudy. But he showed his feelings better. “It was your knife to do with as you choose.”
“You’re not mad?”
“No. Now let’s go eat breakfast before Joanna comes looking for us.”
“Wait. I want to give it to her for a special reason. Like her birthday or something. But I don’t know when it is.”
“Why don’t you ask Glory or Mandy?”
His face lit up. “Okay. I can do that. But what if her birthday is a long ways away? Then what?”
Rudy laughed. “Then I guess we’ll have to make up a special occasion.”
Freddy nodded, all smiles. “That would be good.”
Rudy agreed. Maybe he could dream up something suitable for a special occasion himself. But what? All he could think at the moment was how much he loved her. But he was afraid to say it. Was there some occasion that would enable him to speak the words?
Usually Mandy or Glory—often both of them—visited every day, but the afternoon trudged onward without either of them appearing.
Freddy abandoned all pretense of work. “I gotta find out about her birthday. Let me go to the mission.”
Rudy shook his head. “It can wait until tomorrow. It’s Sunday. Everyone will be here.”
Joanna entered the kitchen at that moment. “The wall looks good. I can’t thank you enough for doing the repairs.”
Rudy and Freddy exchanged guilty looks. He supposed Freddy was remembering his foolishness, while Rudy’s insides flooded with heat that she should think he deserved thanks. The repairs had given him an opportunity to continue enjoying her presence.
She busied herself in the kitchen. “I’ll soon open for business again, though I don’t expect many customers once winter sets in.” She’d already let a handful of people sit at the dining room table and spend the night. None of them complained about the faint odor of smoke, mostly covered by the smell of roast venison or apple pie. “Glory and Levi have a full house up at the mission, what with those who were almost drowned in that accident last week. Glory says two of the children are very ill with pneumonia.”
Freddy and Rudy stopped cutting a board and listened as Joanna talked.
“Is everyone going to be okay?” Rudy asked.
“They’re all improving.” She ducked into the depths of a cupboard and emerged with a rolling pin in hand. “Goodness! Things have been rearranged, and I have a hard time locating them.”
Freddy steadied the board in place. Rudy placed a nail but he didn’t hammer it. Not while Joanna chattered on.
“Glory and Levi have a lot of responsibility. It will be nice for them to sit down and enjoy dinner here tomorrow.”
Rudy smiled. Joanna liked knowing she could do something for her sister. He pounded in a nail.
“I expect Cora will be marrying soon. Austin won’t want to wait long.”
Freddy jerked around. “Who’s going to help you then?”
Joanna stopped measuring flour. “Why, I don’t know, Freddy.” She looked out the window with a faraway gaze in her eyes.
She must surely be thinking of California and regretting she wasn’t on her way. Rudy shot Freddy a warning look. Thankfully, he did not pursue the subject.
Rudy turned away from her distant expression and drove three more nails into place then he put his hammer away. He could not stay and endure his disappointment.
“Freddy, you can clean up while I run a few errands.” He strode from the house before he could make a fool of himself and suggest she might like to stay and let him help her run the place.
Joanna watched him scurry from the kitchen as if he couldn’t get away fast enough. How many times had he hurried away in the past couple of weeks? Too many. He obviously regretted opening his arms to her and kissing her. And yet she continued to hope he’d open his heart in welcome.
She sighed and continued measuring flour for pies. She’d given him every opportunity to say something about his feelings. Why, she’d practically told him she loved him, leaving him plenty of time to respond. Instead, he ran. Would he always run? She’d had a glimpse of the depth and power of his love, and she longed to have it for herself.
Freddy tidied up the area where he and Rudy had been working then came to sit at the table. He watched as Joanna rolled out pie dough. “You make good pies.”
She chuckled, remembering how he’d stolen a whole pie and eaten it all. “And you would know, wouldn’t you?”
“I was hungry.”
“And angry, too, I think.”
“I guess. My insides got all upset when I thought no one wanted me.”
“But now you know your uncle Rudy does.”
He nodded but looked thoughtful.
At least she’d accomplished that, though she’d done nothing but say a few words and give the pair a chance to get to know and trust each other. That should have been enough to satisfy her, but it was only a drop in the empty barrel of what she wanted.
“I told Uncle Rudy we should stay here and help you.”
A shot of surprise jolted through her. “You did? What did he say?”
“I don’t remember. Except he didn’t say we could.”
Her eyes welled, and she blinked back the tears. What had she expected? “I guess he has other plans.” Did Freddy know what they were? She wouldn’t ask, and he didn’t say.
He rested his arms on the table and propped his chin as he continued to watch her. Then his eyes brightened. “When’s your birthday?”
“What an odd question. Why do you ask?”
He lifted one shoulder. “Just wondering.”
“It’s in April. April the fifth.”
“Oh. That’s a long time from now.”
“I suppose so.”
“Will you do something special?”
Why the concern about birthdays? Did Freddy have one coming soon? Perhaps he was afraid it would be overlooked. “My sisters and I have always had a little party. Usually just the three of us. But now I guess it will include their husbands.” He looked so interested, she continued. “We make a cake and put on rose flowers made of icing.”
“You can make flowers out of icing?”
She nodded. “We lived with a lady one winter who taught us cake decorating. She made wedding cakes that were very pretty.”
He sank back. “I guess that’s just girlie stuff.”
Laughing
, she continued. “When we were younger, we never had any spending money for gifts, and our pa never remembered our birthdays. So we always found some little thing we thought the birthday girl would like.”
“What kind of thing?”
“Once Mandy and I made a horsehair rope for Glory. I expect she still has it.”
“What did you get?”
She smiled at the fond memory. “I’ll just put these into the oven; then I have something to show you.” She slipped the pies in to bake then went to the bedroom and got a card her sisters had made her a couple of years ago. They could now afford to buy little things if they chose, but the things they found or made each other remained the most precious.
She returned to the kitchen. “They gave me this card. See the tiny little flowers covering the front and how they scalloped the edges?” Neither of the girls liked doing what they called “prissy” work, so it was all the more special. She opened it. The poem inside, copied from a schoolbook, was all the more sweet because of the imperfect penmanship.
Freddy leaned close to read it, and she sat beside him. “Why all this talk about birthdays? Do you have one coming up?”
He bolted to his feet. “No.” And rushed outdoors.
She sighed. Why did she have this effect on both Freddy and his uncle? There were times when, apart from her sisters, she wondered if anyone made sense.
Rudy and Freddy returned in time for supper, and both were unusually quiet throughout the meal. In fact, Cora did most of the talking, telling them about the pictures Austin had taken in the gold fields.
When Rudy followed on Freddy’s heels to the bedroom, Joanna admitted her disappointment to herself. She had hoped for another evening visit.
Sunday brought a welcome change as they made their way to the mission for church. Austin joined them in town, claiming Cora’s attention and leaving Joanna and Rudy to walk side by side as Freddy ran on ahead.
They drew abreast of the place where she’d found him beating the trees in frustration, and she swallowed back a sigh. Seems they hadn’t progressed from that moment.
But she could not continue to feel sad as they sang hymns and listened to Levi’s encouraging sermon then gathered round the table at the stopping house for dinner. Nine of them, with Austin at Cora’s side.
