Billionaire Secrets of a Wanglorious Bastard

by Auld, Alexei

  When did something like this ever happen?

  Never.

  It was like a harmonic convergence. Rhage and I were done. Sif was a nut job. And I’d just prevented the downfall of a firm. A firm that required protection from a partner.

  And there she stood.

  Could this be the universe telling me that my place was with Rita Rococo? And if so, who was I to reject the universe? I knew my place, so I said, “Discreet, right?”

  She nodded.

  I inhaled so deeply, my lungs hurt. “Okay. Let's do this.” I took her by the hand, and she smacked it away.

  She said, “We're at work.”

  “We are?” I totally forgot.

  “A car is waiting outside for me. We take it. And wait until we go to my place.”

  Sounded good to me. My heart fluttered and my feet felt heavy. It was a weird, surreal experience of expectation mixed with the unknown. As we went down the hallway, side by side, she didn't make eye contact. Not even on the elevator, when we went into the car, or even arrived in her building. No words. No exchanges. Nothing but tension, for me at least.

  Until we reached her apartment.

  55

  A FIFTEEN-HUNDRED-FOOT tower. Had to be home to billionaires.

  And Rita was one of them.

  Her apartment?

  Eighteen-thousand-square-foot triplex penthouse.

  You heard me.

  Three full floors in prime Manhattan real estate.

  On the ninety-fifth floor.

  With a private elevator that took twenty seconds to get there.

  When I got off, I was met by some kind of wooden floors and massive windows from floor to ceiling. And not the small ceilings of my shitty apartment. We’re talking ceilings about three times the height of the largest ceiling I’d seen in an apartment.

  But back to those windows. Massive. On each side of the room, I could look out and see any side of Manhattan I desired. It was night, so the glow of the city was spectacular and creepy at the same time. What was I doing here? Me, of all people. One parent fresh from Jamaica who was slumming it. The other from a small rez in North Carolina. It made no sense. And what was Rita going to do with me? She’d been quiet and aloof since we left the firm. I hoped she wasn't one of those whip and chains chicks. Or a blood drinker. Maybe she'd pull a Palpatine and toss me out the window, Mace Windu style. I'd be spattered on the concrete, ninety stories below. My parents wouldn't know the truth.

  No one would but me and Rita.

  Rita, who had disappeared and just re-emerged in a white robe. She could tell I was staring at it.

  “Elephant tusk.”

  “That's made from the tusk of elephants?”

  “No, the color. Elephant tusk.”

  I felt a little better.

  “I would tell you the designers and fabrics, but you couldn’t pronounce them.”

  “I've seen spendy clothes. I went to Columbia.”

  “Ha! Your tweed-jacketed pretenders. Elbow-patch-wearing bastards. What refinery did they have on display? Come.”

  She took me on a tour. Every room had a Picasso. Basquiat. And that splotchy Beautiful Mind art.

  “The bathrooms have his-and-hers showers and toilets.”

  She took me to her bedroom.

  “Wait here.”

  I did. And the whole thing didn't make sense. Attorneys can make millions, but not anywhere close to a billion. True, law firms represent multibillion-dollar corporations, but the lawyers are their wage slaves. It's like a higher-paid version of McDonald’s: all about customer service.

  How could she have all of this money as an attorney? Stack said she made the firm a whole lot of money. But for this, she couldn't just be a rainmaker. She had to make tsunamis. Still, if I could get just a crumb from her table, or, keeping with the water metaphor, a drop of her typhoon, I'd be set for life. I had to know her secret.

  Or did I?

  I didn't want to end up like the guy with the goose who laid, no pun intended, the golden eggs. I'd just have to enjoy the ride. But the source of her income wasn't the only weird thing. Her bedroom was just as cryptic.

  No furniture, no books, no computers, no television. Just a massive fan in the middle of the room. Its blades mesmerized me. So much so that I almost missed what it hovered over, which didn't make sense, since it was the only thing in the room but us.

  A huge bed.

  Did she want me to stand or sit on the floor? I turned to her, and she was disrobing.

  I guessed that was my cue to follow.

  So I did.

  And since she’d said she wanted to be discreet, I have to respect her and not give you a blow-by-blow description.

  But it was awesome.

  There was so much I wanted to know about her. How'd she end up with a crib like this? What kind of law did she practice? I meant to ask her as soon as we were done.

  But I fell asleep.

  56

  WHEN I WOKE up, she wasn't there.

  Clothes were there. A suit, shirt with French cuffs, and, whoa, diamond and gold cufflinks?

  The suit and shirt looked fresh, but I wasn't a guy who knew fashion. Did Rita leave these out for me?

  Someone knocked on the door.

  “Yes?”

  A guy looking like a mix of butlers Jarvis and Alfred came in with a tray of food.

  “Crumpets, sir?”

  Sir? “Sure.”

  “Splendid. I take it you like oolong tea?”

  I didn't know what that was. Oolong was a fighter in the Yie Ar Kung Fu video game. “Sure. Oolong.”

  “You aren't allergic to goat's milk, are you?”

  “No.”

  “Splendid.” He poured the tea into a cup and handed it to me. “I shan’t ask if you like sugar, as goat-milk-brushed loose leaf is best served without.”

  “Of course.” I took the cup from him and sipped. It tasted tangy and sweet. Good thing I didn't put sugar in it.

  “Sufficient, sir?”

  I flashed a thumbs-up. “Where's Rita?”

  “When you finish breakfast, I can help you get ready.”

  Guess he didn't want me to know. “Sure. Maybe I should take a shower.”

  “No. Ms. Rococo requested that you shan’t shower. Tea, crumpets, clothes, Krueller. Understand, sir?”

  I sure did. “Yes.”

  “Splendid.”

  No shower? Maybe she marked her territory, which was me, and didn't want me to remove her scent from my body.

  I felt like Goldilocks. Inside someone else's place. Without the choices. I finished my tea and crumpets and put on the clothes.

  Man, did they feel good.

  My only problem was the cufflinks. I'd never put them on.

  My parents were kind of bummy. I knew how to knot a tie, but that was pretty much it.

  The door knocked.

  “Need help with the cufflinks, sir?”

  “Sure.”

  He came in and tried to remove my jacket. That's right. I guess the cufflinks go on before the jacket. And he redid my tie so it had a dimple in the knot. Looked spiffy.

  He bent down and tapped my left foot. I raised it and he put on a silky-feeling silver sock. Then put on a soft shoe, which surprisingly fit. How did everything fit?

  Golden Egg Goose, Rufus.

  I wasn't going to ask.

  Both my shoes were on. Brown and sharp looking. Alvis (combo of Alfred and Jarvis) smoothed my shoulders. Lifted my arms and inspected every nook and cranny.

  “How does that feel, sir?”

  “Perfect, Alvis.”

  “Excuse me, sir?”

  “Nothing. Sorry. Thanks.”

  “Right this way, sir.” He guided me to the apartment. The ceilings were just as high as the night before. But the views were different. I could see Central Park on one side. And when I turned in the other direction, there was some ocean.

  “This way, sir.”

  Right. I entered the private el
evator, and twenty seconds later, I was on the ground floor.

  A car and driver greeted me and drove me to work.

  I looked back at the to get there.

  A fifteen-hundred-foot tower. Had to be home to billionaires.

  And I’d slept with one of them.

  And loved every minute of it.

  I took a deep breath. I knew I'd never see it again.

  She'd probably hit it and quit it.

  At least I got a sweet suit to go with it.

  She said she would be discreet.

  And I trusted she would be.

  57

  I CHECKED MY work phone.

  And had eighteen new messages.

  I pressed play.

  “Message one, new, received Friday, 9 a.m.”

  It was Grimes. “I put something on your desk this morning I need done today.”

  He did?

  “Message two, new, received Friday, 9:05 a.m.”

  “Rufus, we have an emergency closing this afternoon. Come by my office today at lunch.”

  Lunch?

  “Message three, new, received Friday at 9:15 a.m.”

  I couldn't listen to any more. I went to the bathroom to wash the nervousness away.

  When I arrived at work, I was in a daze. I stumbled into my office.

  And noticed someone at my chair.

  “Close the door behind you.”

  It was Grimes.

  I felt like running out, but also wanted to know what the hell was going on.

  So I closed the door.

  He said, “I know what you did.”

  “You do?”

  “I have to admit, I never suspected you would be capable of such wickedness.”

  He knew. And it wasn't a joke.

  Grimes said, “Get your things. We have no need for someone like you here.”

  I was doomed. “What about all those messages? You know, the emergency closing. It's still going on, right?”

  “It sure is. Just not with you.”

  “Why not?”

  “You're working on bigger things. From home.”

  “I don't understand.”

  Grimes smiled and rose from my chair. “Rita, is she chatty. She believes you are more effective working from a remote location. That out of the office you are more productive, more focused, like a machine. She kept on yakking about you and your performance on that research assignment. If you keep it up, your career will have tremendous upside.”

  Grimes vigorously rubbed his hands.

  He said, “You finally understand that we are a service firm. Please one partner and you please us all. Good work, Rufus.”

  “What about Stack?”

  “Who?”

  “Stack?”

  “I don't know anyone by that name. Do you?”

  He was staring with an intensity I'd only seen in feral dogs.

  I said, “What name?”

  And just like that, Grimes smiled. “My word, that is a nice suit. Looks just like a Dormeuil, but I couldn't be, with your salary.”

  He walked around me and left.

  58

  “GODDAMN, LOOK AT that outfit. Straight pimpin'! Told you.”

  Enos beamed at my confusion.

  I said, “I didn't do anything.”

  He raised a fist. “I would pimp-slap you for lying like a motherfucker, but I don't want to get blood on that sweet-ass suit.”

  Rick ran into my office.

  “Hey! Rufus. I heard about that deal you got. Working from home? Whoa!”

  “You did?”

  A woman I'd never seen before came in. Fly as hell. Stacked to death. “Goddamn. Look at those cufflinks.” She grabbed them. “Sapphire-cut canary diamond octagon? They're four million a pair.”

  Four million?

  She felt her cooch and straightened her bra. Salivating. “Those fuckers are real, they've got to be real.” She bit her lip.

  “Trudi?” That was Grimes. He came in sweating. “Let's go.” He looked at Enos and bowed. “Hiro-san.” Enos bowed back. Grimes bowed even deeper to me. “Rufus. Carry on.” He dragged Trudi out by the elbow. She turned and gestured “Call me.”

  Rick clapped his hands. “Rufus, you are the most ballingest fuck I've ever fucking seen in my life. I want to roll with you. Who do I have to fuck to get that?”

  I said, “Excuse me?”

  “Come on, Rufus. We all know what you did to get that sweet deal.”

  I said, “What did I do?”

  “Man, he screwed Rita!”

  Tani came in and said, “I can't believe it.”

  Rick said, “Believe it, man. Who knows what sick acts he did to her.”

  I said, “You are so fucking stupid.”

  Rick raised his open hands apart.

  “Accusing me of unchastity? That's slander, per se. I could sue you for that shit.”

  Rick tittered. “Come on. You know what I meant.”

  Tani said, “My virgin ears are so offended. Rufus, I can't look at you the same way.”

  I said, “My professional reputation has been tarnished.”

  Rick put an unwelcome, nervous hand on my shoulder. “No, man. It's…it's good. You're a stud. A real motherfucking pimp.”

  I couldn't believe he’d gone there.

  Rick said, “More slander?”

  I nodded. “Yup.”

  Tani extended his hand to Rick. “Nice working with you, Rick.”

  Enos bowed.

  Rick, dazed, said, “I'll get my things.”

  I said, “You do that. And close the door.” He did.

  Tani said, “And that is the end of Rick at the Krueller.” We high-fived.

  I said, “So, what about Rita?”

  Enos clasped his hands. “You did it, didn't you?”

  “That's not what I said.”

  Enos pumped his fist. “Fucking A. You are our granddaddy reborn. Accept it. Embrace it. Enjoy it.”

  I said, “It could be a one-night stand.”

  Enos wagged a Mutombo finger. “You're working from home, man.”

  “I don't have a home, remember?”

  “Maybe Rita will hook you up.”

  “Living with her?”

  “No. Living in your own spot. It's a straight-up pimp move our granddaddy would do, remember? He'd build houses for his mistresses so he'd know where they were whenever he wanted access.”

  I felt my eyes bugging. “You think she's gonna put me in a new apartment?”

  He said, “Why not? You're 'working' from home. You need the appropriate 'home office,' since you're homeless.”

  I said, “Home office? I can't be hooking up with her for the hours I need to bill a week. Unless she's some succubus.”

  “How many times you see people out of the office on ‘business trips’? Do you know what they're doing while they're away?”

  I didn't.

  “Exactamundo.”

  “She has stroke here. And be mindful of that word, Rufus. So long as you do that shit correct? You'll be set.”

  “What if she gets tired of me?”

  “Then you finally use your law degree. Assuming you pass the bar.”

  Again with this bar passage shit?

  “You said 'bed.’” That was Tani.

  I flashed a fake smile. “In the meantime, I'll ask Gladys what my forwarding address is.”

  Enos extended his arm and shook a sheet of paper like it was a dinner bell. “Already did.”

  It probably was some hole in the wall.

  “Let's roll.”

  59

  THE FIFTEEN-HUNDRED-FOOT tower. Home to billionaires.

  And I lived among them.

  My apartment?

  Six-thousand-square-foot apartment. One room. One bath. One bed.

  You heard me.

  One full floor in prime Manhattan real estate.

  In the basement.

  I had to go down a few flights of stairs to get there.

  When I got
in, some kind of cold slab floors and no windows from floor to ceiling met me. And not the tall ceilings of Rita's majestic apartment. We’re talking ceilings about half the height of her largest ceiling.

  But back to those windows. There were none.

  But there was a closet. Filled with suits, shirts, shoes, and ties.

  “Enos, leave.” That was Rita. And Enos scurried out.

  I turned to her. And man, was it awkward. It was the first time I’d seen her since the night before. I didn't know whether to kiss her or ignore her.

  So I channeled my grandfather. “Wha gwan?”

  She squinted, so I stopped Ja-faking it. “Cute. Look. Last night was nice, but I'll need a little more from you.”

  My heart sank. “You do?”

  She pursed her lips. “You have potential, but I don't have time to teach you, although that would be hella fun.” She clicked her teeth. “So you enjoy life, have a little fun, but always come back here. Got it?”

  I didn't. “Sure. But what about Krueller?”

  “You consider that enjoying life and having fun?”

  Nope.

  “I didn't think so.” She sauntered toward me. Took my hand. Kissed it. “You're special, Rufus.” She looked at my junk. “Damn special.” She pulled out a card. It was a Krueller company card with my name on it. “Go out and enjoy.” She handed it to me. And I took it.

  “Thanks.” I needed to know why. Golden Goose Rufus. Don't ask. “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  Damn. My big mouth. “Why me?”

  She leaned in to me. Stared. “Loyalty.”

  Loyalty to who? Her? I was so confused.

  “Plus, you make me laugh. And in this profession, especially in this city, that counts for a lot.” She kissed me on my forehead. “I'll be back.” She put her lips to my ear and whispered, “And you better be ready.” She gripped my ass and slinked away. Jingling and a jangling.

  Lawd.

  She pulled out a remote and aimed it at a bookshelf, which slid into another shelf.

  “A hidden elevator?”

  She went up. The bookshelf closed. And I was there.

  Instead of channeling my grandpa, I must've channeled his mistresses. Was this what it felt like? To have a taste of luxury through someone else? To be a kept (wo)man? So strange.