MA08 Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections

by Robert Asprin

  eventhorizonpg.com

  THOSE OF YOU who have been following my mishaps know me as Skeeve (sometimes Skeeve the Great) and that I grew up in the dimension Klah, which is not the center of culture or progress for our age no matter how generously you look at it. Of course, you also know that since I started chronicling my adventures, I’ve knocked around a bit and seen a lot of dimensions, so I’m not quite the easily impressed bumpkin I was when I first got into the magik biz. Well, let me tell you, no matter how sophisticated and jaded I thought I had become, nothing I had experienced to date prepared me for the sights that greeted me when I dropped in on the dimension Perv.

  The place was huge. Not that it stretched farther than any other place I had been. I mean, a horizon is a horizon. Right? Where it did go that other places I had visited hadn’t, was up!

  None of the tents or stalls I was used to seeing at the Bazaar at Deva were in evidence here. Instead, massive buildings stretched up into the air almost out of sight. Actually, the buildings themselves were plainly in sight. What was almost lost was the sky! Unless one looked straight up, it wasn’t visible at all, and even then it was difficult to believe that little strip of brightness so far overhead was really the sky. Perhaps this might have been more impressive if the buildings themselves were pleasanter to look at. Unfortunately, for the most part, they had the style and grace of an oversized outhouse ... and roughly the same degree of cleanliness. I wouldn’t have believed that buildings so high could give the impression of being squat, but these did. After a few moments’ reflection, I decided it was the dirt.

  It looked as if soot and grime had been accumulating in layers on every available surface for generations, give or take a century. I had a flash impression that if the dirt were hosed from the buildings, they would collapse from the loss of support. The image was fascinating and I amused myself with it for a few moments before turning my attention to the other noteworthy feature of the dimension: The People.

  Now there are those who would contest whether the denizens of Perv qualified as “people” or not but as a resident of the Bazaar I had gotten into the habit of referring to all intelligent beings as “people,” no matter what they looked like or how they used their intelligence. Anyway, whether they were acknowledged as people or not, and whether they were referred to as “Per-vects” or “Per-verts,” there was no denying there were a lot of them!

  Everywhere you looked there were mobs of citizens, all jostling and snarling at each other as they rushed here and there. I had seen crowds at the Big Game that I thought were rowdy and rude, but these teeming throngs won the prize hands down when it came to size and rudeness.

  The combined effect of the buildings and the crowds created a mixed impression of the dimension. I couldn’t tell if I was attracted or repelled, but overall I felt an almost hypnotic, horrified fascination. I couldn’t think of anything I had seen or experienced that was anything like it.

  “It looks like Manhattan ... only more so!”

  That came from Massha. She’s supposed to be my apprentice ... though you’d never know it. Not only is she older than me, she’s toured the dimensions more than I have. Even though I’ve never claimed to be a know-it-all, it irritates me when my apprentice knows more than I do.

  “I see what you mean,” I said, bluffing a little. “At least, as much as we can see from here.”

  It seemed like a safe statement. We were currently standing in an alley, which severely limited our view. Basically, it was something to say without really saying anything.

  “Aren’t you forgetting something, though, Hot Stuff?” Massha frowned, craning her neck to peer down the street.

  So much for bluffing. Now that I had admitted noticing the similarities between Perv and Man-hattin ... wherever that was, I was expected to comment on the differences. Well, if there’s one thing I learned during my brief stint as a dragon poker player, it’s that you don’t back out of a bluff halfway through it.

  “Give me a minute,” I said, making a big show of looking in the same direction Massha was. “I’ll get it.”

  What I was counting on was my apprentice’s impatience. I figured she would spill the beans before I had to admit I didn’t know what she was talking about. I was right.

  “Long word ... sounds like disguise spell?”

  She broke off her examination of the street to shoot me a speculative glance.

  “Oh! Yeah. Right.”

  My residency at the Bazaar had spoiled me. Living at the trading and merchandising hub of the dimensions had gotten me used to seeing beings from numerous dimensions shopping side by side without batting an eye. One tended to forget that, in other dimensions off-world beings were not only an oddity, occasionally they were downright unwelcome.

  Of course, Perv was one of those dimensions. What Massha had noticed while I was gawking at the landscape was that we were drawing more than a few hostile glares as passersby noticed us at the mouth of the alley. I had attributed that to two things: the well-known Pervish temperament (which is notoriously foul), and Massha.

  While my apprentice is a wonderful person, her appearance is less than pin-up-girl caliber ... unless you get calendars from the local zoo. To say Massha would look more natural with a few tick-birds walking back and forth on her would be an injustice ... she’s never tried to look natural. This goes beyond her stringy orange hair and larger-than-large stature. I mean, anyone who wears green lipstick and turquoise nail polish, not to mention a couple of tattoos of dubious taste, is not trying for the Miss Natural look.

  There was a time when I would get upset at people for staring at Massha. She really is a wonderful person, even if her taste in clothes and makeup would gag a goat. I finally reached peace with it, however, after she pointed out that she expected people to look at her and dressed accordingly.

  All of this is simply to explain why it didn’t strike me as unusual that people were staring at us. Similarly, Pervish citizens are noted for not liking anyone, and off-worlders in particular, so the lack of warmth in the looks directed at us did not seem noteworthy.

  What Massha had reminded me of, though it shouldn’t have been necessary, is that we were now on Perv, their home dimension, and instead of an occasional encounter we would be dealing with them almost exclusively. As I said I should have realized it, but after years of hearing about Perv, it was taking a while for it to sink in that I was actually there.

  Of course, there was no way we could be mistaken for natives. The locals here had green scales, yellow eyes, and pointed teeth, while Massha and I looked ... well, normal. In some way, I think it goes to show how unsettling the Pervects look when I say that, by comparison, Massha looks normal.

  However, Massha was correct in pointing out that if I hoped to get any degree of cooperation from the locals, I was going to have to utilize a disguise spell to blend with them. Closing my eyes, I got to work.

  The disguise spell was one of the first spells I learned, and I’ve always had complete confidence in it ... after the first few times I used it, that is. For those who are interested in technical details, it’s sort of a blend of illusion and mind control. Simply put, if you can convince yourself that you look different, others will see it as well. That may sound complicated, but it’s really very simple and easy to learn. Actors have been using it for centuries. Anyway, it’s quite easy, and in no time at all my disguise was in place and I was ready to face Perv as a native.

  “Nice work, Spell-slinger,” Massha drawled with deceptive casualness. “But there’s one minor detail you’ve overlooked.”

  This time I knew ex
actly what she was referring to, but decided to play it dumb. In case you’re wondering, yes, this is my normal modus operandi ... to act dumb when I know what’s going on, and knowledgeable when I’m totally in the dark.

  “What’s that, Massha?” I said innocently.

  “Where’s mine?”

  There was a lot loaded into those two words, everything from threats to a plea. This time, however, I wasn’t going to be moved. I had given the matter a lot of thought and firmly resolved to stand by my decision.

  “You aren’t going to need a disguise, Massha. You aren’t staying.”

  “But, Skeeve ... ”

  “No!”

  “But ... ”

  “Look, Massha,” I said, facing her directly, “I appreciate your wanting to help, but this is my problem. Aahz is my partner, not to mention my mentor and best friend. What’s more, it was my thoughtlessness that got him so upset he resigned from the firm and ran away. No matter how you cut it, it’s my job to find him and bring him back.”

  My apprentice regarded me with folded arms and tight lips.

  “Agreed,” she said.

  “ ... So there’s no point in your trying to ... what did you say?”

  “I said agreed,” she repeated. “ ... As in, I agree it’s your job to bring Aahz back!”

  That took me by surprise. I had somehow expected more of an argument. Even now, it didn’t look to me like she had really given up the fight.

  “Well, then ... ”

  “ ... And it’s my job as your apprentice to tag along and back your moves. By your own logic, Chief, I’m obligated to you the same way you’re obligated to Aahz.”

  It was a good argument, and for a moment I was tempted to let her stay.

  “Sorry, Massha,” I said finally, with real regret. “I can’t let you do it.”

  “But ... ”

  “ ... Because you’re going to be my stand-in when the rest of the team takes on Queen Hemlock.”

  That stopped her, as I thought it would, and she bit her lip and stared into the distance as I continued.

  “It’s bad enough that the rest of the crew is going to fight my battle for me, but to have both of us sit it out is unthinkable. They’re going to need all the help they can get. Besides, part of the reason for having an apprentice is so that I can be two places at once ... isn’t it?”

  I figured that would end the discussion, but I underestimated Massha’s determination.

  “Okay, then you lead the fight against Hemlock and I’ll fetch the Scaly Wonder.”

  I shook my head.

  “C’mon, Massha. You know better than that. It was my thoughtlessness that made him leave in the first place. If anyone should, if anyone can make him come back, it’s got to be me.”

  She muttered something under her breath that it’s probably just as well I didn’t hear, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t wholehearted agreement. With one problem already at hand from my lack of attentiveness to my associates’ moods, I thought it ill-advised to ignore the fact my apprentice was upset.

  “Look, can we take a few minutes and discuss what it is that’s really bothering you?” I said. “I’d just as soon we didn’t part company on an off note.”

  Massha pursed her lips for a few moments, then heaved a great sigh.

  “I just don’t like the idea of your taking on this chore alone, Skeeve. I know you know more magik than I do, but this is one of the meanest of the known dimensions. I’d feel better if you had a backup is all ... Even if it’s just a mechanic like me. These little toys of mine have helped us out more than once in the past.”

  What she was referring to, of course, was her jewelry. Nearly all the magik Massha used was of the gimmick variety ... magik rings, magik pendants, magik nose studs ... hence the nickname within the trade of “mechanic.” She was, however, polite enough to not stress too hard the fact that her toys were often more effective and reliable than my own “natural” form.

  “You’re right, Massha, and I’d love to have you along ... but you’re needed more against Hemlock. Before you get too worried, though, just remember I’ve handled some pretty tough situations in the past.”

  “Those weren’t on Perv and you usually had your partner along to handle the rough stuff,” she said bluntly. “You don’t even have a D-hopper along.”

  “I’ll get it back from Aahz when I find him. If I’m successful, we’ll be along together. If not, I figure he’ll give me the D-hopper and set it for Klah just to be rid of me.”

  “ ... And if you can’t find him at all?” Massha gestured pointedly at the crowds on the street. “In case you haven’t noticed, this isn’t going to be the easiest place to locate someone.”

  For a change, I was confident when I answered.

  “Don’t worry about that. I’ll find him. I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve for that chore. The trick is going to be getting him to change his mind.”

  “Well, can you at least do one thing? As a favor to your tired old apprentice?”

  She tugged a ring off her left pinkie and handed it to me.

  “Wear this,” she said. “If you haven’t shown up by the end of the week, I’ll come looking for you. This’ll help me locate you if you’re still in this dimension ... or do you want to run the risk of being stranded here?”

  The ring fit loosely on my right thumb. Any larger, and I would have had to wear it like a bracelet. Staring at it, a sudden suspicion flitted through my mind.

  “What else does it do?”

  “Beg pardon?” Massha replied with such innocence I knew I was right.

  “You heard me, apprentice. What does it do besides provide a beacon?”

  “Wellll ... it does monitor your heartbeat and alert me if there’s a sudden change in your physical condition, like say if you were injured. If that happens, I might just drop in a little early to see what’s wrong.”

  I wasn’t sure I liked that.

  “But what if my heartbeat changed for normal reasons ... like because I met a beautiful girl close up?”

  That earned me a bawdy wink.

  “In that case, High Roller, I’d want to be here to meet her. Can’t have you running around with just anybody, can we?”

  Before I could think of a suitable reply, she swept me into a bone-crushing hug.

  “Take care of yourself, Skeeve,” she whispered with sudden ferocity. “Things wouldn’t be the same without you.”

  There was a soft pop in the air, and she was gone. I was alone in Perv, the nastiest of the known dimensions.

  ACTUALLY, I WASN’T as worried as you might think I’d be from the situation. Like I’d told Massha, I had an ace up my sleeve ... . and it was a beaut!

  A while back, I was part ... heck, I was the instigator of a plan to force the Mob out of the Bazaar at Deva. I felt it was only fair, since I was the one who had given them access to the Bazaar in the first place, and besides, the Devan Merchants’ Association had paid me well to get the Mob off their backs. Of course that was before the Mob hired me to run their interests at the Bazaar, and the Bazaar agreed to give me a house and pay me a percentage of the profits to keep the Mob at bay. Sound confusing? It was ... a little. Fortunately, Aahz had shown me how the two assignments weren’t mutually exclusive and that it was ethically possible to collect money from both sides ... well, possible, anyway. Is it any wonder that I prize his counsel so highly? However, I digress.

  During the initial skirmishes of that campaign, I had acquired a little souvenir that I had almost forgotten about until I was getting ready for this quest. It wasn’t much to look at, just a small vial with its stopper held in place by a wax seal, but I figured it just might mean the difference between success and failure.

  I probably could have mentioned it to Massha, but frankly I was looking forward to taking the credit for having pulled off
this chore by myself. Smirking confidently, I glanced around to be sure I was unobserved, then broke the seal and removed the stopper.

  Now to really appreciate the full impact of this next bit, you have to realize what I was expecting. Living at the Bazaar, I had gotten used to some really showy stuff ... lightning bolts, balls of fire ... you know, special effects like that. It’s a tight market, and glitz sells. Anyway, I was braced for nearly anything, but I was expecting a billowing cloud of smoke and maybe a thunder-clap or a gong for emphasis.

  What I got was a soft pop, the same as you get pulling a cork out of a bottle of flat soda, and a small puff of vapor that didn’t have enough body to it to make a decent smoke ring. End of show. Period. Das ist alles.

  To say I was a little disappointed would be like saying Deveels dabbled in trade. Understatement to the max. I was seriously considering whether to throw the bottle away in disgust or actually try to get a refund out of the Deveel who sold it to me, when I noticed there was something floating in the air in front of me.

  Actually, I should say it was someone floating in the air, since it was clearly a figure ... or to be accurate, half a figure. He was bare to the waist, and possibly beyond. I couldn’t tell because the image faded to invisibility below his navel. He was wearing a fez low on his forehead so it hid his eyes, and had his arms folded across his chest. His arms and torso were pretty muscular, and he might have been impressive ... if he weren’t so small! I had been expecting something between my height and that of a three-story building. What I got would have been maybe six to eight inches high if all of him was visible. As it was, head and torso only measured about three inches. Needless to say, I was underwhelmed. Still, he was all I had and if nothing else, over my various trials and adventures, I had learned to make do with what was available.

  “Kalvin?” I said, unsure of the proper form of address.

  “Like, man, that’s my name. Don’t wear it out,” the figure replied without emerging from under his hat.

  Now, I wasn’t sure what our exact relationship was supposed to be, but I was pretty sure this wasn’t it, so I tried again.