MA08 Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections

by Robert Asprin

  “You’ve got kids?”

  “Who, me? No ... at least, not yet. Maybe someday. Right now, the way things are going, I can’t even afford a steady girlfriend, if you know what I mean.”

  Actually, I didn’t. I had plenty of money personally, but no girlfriend. Therefore, I didn’t have the vaguest idea what the upkeep on one would be.

  “Well, I’d say it’s a noble cause you have there ... wanting to build something to leave for your kids.”

  At that he laughed, flashing those teeth again.

  “Don’t try to make me sound too good,” he said. “I won’t kid you. I’d like a few of the nicer things in life myself ... like staying at fancy hotels and driving around in cabs. I’d use up some of the profits before I passed them on to my kids.”

  I was suddenly aware of the differences in our economic standing ... that what he was dreaming about I tended to take for granted. The awareness made me uncomfortable.

  “Yeah ... well, I’ve got to be going now. Oh! What was it, anyway?”

  “What was what?”

  “The name your parents gave you.”

  “It wasn’t that hot, really,” he said, making a face. “My friends just call me J. R.”

  With that, I beat a hasty retreat to my waiting cab.

  “What was that all about?” Edvik said as I sank back into my seat.

  “Oh, I was just curious about what made the street vendors tick.”

  “Them? Why bother? They’re just a bunch of low-life hustlers scrabbling for small change. They’re never going to get anywhere.”

  I was surprised at the sudden vehemence in his voice. There was clearly no love lost there.

  It occurred to me that Edvik’s appraisal of the street vendors pretty much summed up my initial reaction to his own enterprising efforts with his cab and self-publishing company.

  It also occurred to me, as I reflected on my conversation with J. R., that I had been even more lucky than I had realized when I had taken to studying magik ... first with Garkin and then with Aahz. It didn’t take the wildest stretching of the imagination to picture myself in the street vendor’s place ... assuming I had that much initiative to begin with.

  All in all, it wasn’t a particularly comforting thought.

  “SO, WHERE ARE we off to today, Mr. Skeeve?”

  Edvik’s words interrupted my thoughts, and I fought to focus my attention on the problem at hand.

  “Either to talk with the magicians or some financial types,” I said. “I was hoping that as our trusty native guide you’d have some ideas as to which to hit first ... and it’s just Skeeve, not ‘Mr. Skeeve.”

  The “Mr. Skeeve” thing had been starting to get to me with the bellhop, but it hadn’t seemed worth trying to correct. If I was going to be spending the next few days traveling with Edvik, however, I thought I’d try to set him straight before he got on my nerves.

  “All right. Skeeve it is,” the cabbie agreed easily. “Just offhand, I’d say it would probably be easier to start with the financial folks.”

  That hadn’t been what I had hoped he’d say, but as I’ve noted before, there’s no point in paying for guidance and then not following it.

  “Okay. I’ll go along with that. Any particular reason, though?”

  “Sure. First of all, there are a lot of people in the magik business around here. We got schools, consultants, co-ops, entertainers, weather control and home defense outfits ... all sorts. What’s more, they’re spread out all over. We could spend the next year trying to check them out and still have barely scratched the surface. There aren’t nearly as many financiers, on the other hand, so if they’re on your list I figured we could start with them. Maybe we’ll get lucky and not have to deal with the magik types.”

  I was a little staggered by his casual recitation. The enormity of what I was trying to do was just starting to sink in. I had only allowed a week to find Aahz and convince him to come back. At the moment, it seemed next to impossible to accomplish that in so short a time, yet I couldn’t take any longer with the rest of the crew taking on Queen Hemlock without me. With an effort, I tried to put my doubts out of my mind. At the very least, I had to try. I’d face up to what to do next at the end of the week ... not before.

  “What’s the other reason?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You said ‘First of all’ ... That usually implies there’s more than one reason.”

  The cabbie shot me a glance over his shoulder.

  “That’s right. Well, if you must know, I’m a little uncomfortable around magicians ... current company excepted, of course. Never had much call to deal with ‘em and just as happy to keep it that way. I’ve got a buddy, though, who’s a financier. He just might be able to help you out. Most of these finance types know each other, you know. Leastwise, I can probably get you in to see him without an appointment.”

  Kalvin was waving a hand at me, trying to gct my attention.

  “I probably don’t have to remind you of this,” he said, “but your time is rather limited. I didn’t say anything about your chatting with that scruffy street vendor, but are you really going to blow off part of a day talking to a supposed financier who hangs out with cab drivers?”

  “How did you meet this guy?” I queried, trying desperately to ignore the Djin’s words ... or, to be exact, how closely they echoed my own thoughts.

  “Oh, we sort of ran into each other at an art auction.”

  “An art auction?”

  I didn’t mean to let my incredulity show in my voice, but it kind of slipped out. In response, Edvik twisted around in his seat to face me directly.

  “Yeah. An art auction. What’s the matter? Don’t you think I can appreciate art?”

  Left to their own devices, the lizards powering our vehicle began veering toward the curb.

  “Well ... no. I mean, I’ve never met an art collector before. I don’t know much about art, so it surprised me, that’s all. No offense,” I said hurriedly, trying not to tense as the cab wandered back and forth in our lane.

  “You asked. That’s where we met.”

  The cabbie returned his attention to the road once more, casually bringing us back on course.

  “Were you both bidding on the same painting?”

  “No. He offered to back half my bid so I could stay in the running ... only it wasn’t a painting. It was more what you would call literary.”

  Now I was getting confused.

  “Literary? But I thought you said it was an art auction.”

  “It was, but there was an author there who offered to auction off an appearance in his next book. Well, I knew the author ... I had done an interview with him in one of the ‘zines I publish so I thought it would be kind of neat to see how he would do me in print. Anyway, it came down to two of us, and the bidding got pretty stiff. I thought I was going to have to drop out.”

  “That’s when the financier offered to back your bid?”

  “Actually, he made the offer to the other guy first. Lucky for me the other bidder wanted the appearance for his wife, so he wouldn’t go along with the deal. That’s when the Butterfly turned to me.”

  “Wait a minute. The Butterfly?”

  “That’s what he calls himself. It’s even on his business cards. Anyway, if he hadn’t come in on the bid, you’d be spending a couple chapters talking to some guy’s winsome but sexy wife instead of ... ”

  At that point I was listening with only half an ear as Edvik prattled on. A financier named Butterfly who backs cabbies’ bids at auctions. I didn’t have to look at Kalvin to tell the Djin was rolling his eyes in an anguished “I told you so.” Still, the more I thought about it, the more hopeful I became. This Butterfly just might be offbeat enough to know something about Aahz. I figured it was at least worth a try.

  STRANGE AS IT may sound
, I was as nervous about meeting the Butterfly as Edvik claimed to be about dealing with magicians. Magicians I had been dealing with for several years and knew what to expect ... or if my experiences were an accurate sample, what not to expect. Financiers, on the other hand, were a whole different kettle of fish. I had no idea what I was getting into or how to act. I tried to reassure myself by remembering that this particular financier had dealt with Edvik in the past, and so could not be too stuffy. Still, I found myself straightening my disguise spell nervously as the cabbie called up to the Butterfly from the lobby. I was still traveling as a Klahd, but had used my disguise spell to upgrade my wardrobe a bit so that I at least looked like I was comfortable in monied circles.

  I needn’t have worried.

  The Butterfly did not live up to any of my preconceived notions or fears about what a financier was like. First of all, instead of an imposing office lined with shelves full of leather-bound books and incomprehensible charts, it seemed he worked out of his apartment, which proved to be smaller than my own office, though much more tastefully furnished. Secondly, he was dressed quite casually in a pair of slacks and a pastel-colored sweater, which actually made me feel uncomfortably overdressed in my disguise-spell generated suit. Fortunately, his manner itself was warm and friendly enough to put me at my ease almost immediately.

  “Pleased to meet you ... Skeeve, isn’t it?” he said, extending a hand for a handshake.

  “Yes. I ... I’m sorry to impose on your schedule like this ... ”

  “Nonsense. Glad to help. That’s why I’m self-employed ... so I can control my own schedule. Please. Have a seat and make yourself at home.”

  Once we were seated, however, I found myself at a loss as to how I should begin the conversation. But, with the Butterfly watching me with attentive expectation, I felt I had to say something.

  “Um ... Edvik tells me you met at an art auction?”

  “That’s right ... though I’ll admit that for me it was more of a whim than anything else. Edvik is really much more the collector and connoisseur than I am.”

  The cabbie preened visibly under the implied praise.

  “No. I just dropped by out of curiosity. I had heard that this particular auction had a reputation for being a lot of fun, so I pulled a couple thousand out of the bank and wandered in to see for myself. The auctioneers were amusing, and the bidding was lively, but most of the art being offered didn’t go with my current decor. So when that one particular item came up ... ”

  I tried to keep an interested face on, but my mind wasn’t on his oration. Instead, I kept pondering the easy way he had said “ ... so I pulled a couple thousand ... ” Clearly this was a different kind of Pervect than Aahz was. My old partner would have been more willing to casually part with a couple pints of his blood than with gold.

  “ ... But in the long run it worked out fine.”

  The Butterfly was finishing his tale, and I laughed dutifully along with him.

  “Tell him about your friend, Skeeve.”

  “That’s right. Here I’ve been rattling on and we haven’t even started to address your problem,” the financier nodded, shifting forward in his chair. “Edvik said you were trying to locate someone who might have been active in our financial circles.”

  “I’m not sure you’ll be able to help,” I began, grateful for not having to raise the subject myself. “He’s been off-dimension for several years now. His name is Aahz.”

  The Butterfly pursed his lips thoughtfully.

  “The name doesn’t ring any bells. Of course, in these days of nesting corporations and holding companies, names don’t really mean much. Can you tell me anything about his style?”

  “His style?”

  “How would you describe his approach to money? Is he a plunger? A dabbler?”

  I had to laugh at that.

  “Well, the words ‘tight-fisted’ and ‘penny-pinching’ are the first that come to mind.”

  “There’s ‘tight-fisted’ and there’s ‘cautious,’” the Butterfly smiled. “Perhaps you’d better tell me a little about him, and let me try to extract and analyze the pertinent parts.”

  So I told him. Once I had gotten started, the words seemed to come rushing out in a torrent.

  I told him about meeting Aahz when he got stranded on my home dimension of Klah after a practical joke gone awry robbed him of his magikal powers, and how he took me on as an apprentice after we stymied Isstvan’s plan to take over the dimensions. I told him about how Aahz had convinced me to try out for the position of Court Magician for the kingdom of Possiltum, and how that had led to our confrontation with Big Julie’s army as well as introducing me to the joys of bureaucratic in-fighting. He clucked sympathetically when I told him about how Tananda and I had tried to steal the trophy from the Big Game as a birthday present for Aahz, and how we had had to put together a team to challenge the two existing teams after Tananda got caught. He was amused by my rendition of how I got stuck masquerading as Roderick, the king, and how I got Massha as an apprentice, though he seemed most interested in the part about how we broke up the Mob’s efforts to move into the Bazaar at Deva and ended up working for both sides of the same brawl. I even told him about our brief sortie into Limbo when Aahz got framed for murdering a vampire, and my even briefer career into the arena of professional Dragon Poker which pitted my friends and me against the Sen-Sen Ante Kid and the Ax. Finally, I tried to explain how we expanded our operation into a corporation, ending with how Aahz had walked out, leaving a note behind stating that, without his powers, he felt he was needless baggage to the group.

  The Butterfly listened to it all, and, when I finally ground to a halt, he remained motionless for many long minutes, apparently digesting what he had heard.

  “Well, one thing I can tell you,” he said at last, “Your friend isn’t a financier ... here on Perv, or anywhere else, for that matter.”

  “He isn’t? But he’s always talking about money.”

  “Oh, there’s more to being a financier than talking about money,” the Butterfly laughed. “The whole idea is to put one’s money to work through investments. If anything, this Aahz’s hoarding techniques would indicate that he’s pretty much an amateur when it comes to money. You, on the other hand, by incorporating and diversifying through holdings in other businesses, show marked entrepreneurial tendencies. Perhaps sometime we might talk a bit about mutual investment opportunities.”

  I suppose it was all quite flattering, and under other circumstances I might have been happy to chat at length with the Butterfly about money management. Unfortunately, I couldn’t escape the disappointment of the bottom line ... that he wouldn’t be able to give me any information that would help me locate Aahz.

  “Thanks, but right now I think I’d better focus on one thing at a time, and my current priority is finding my old partner.”

  “Well, sorry I couldn’t have been of more assistance,” the financier said, rising to his feet. “One thing though, Skeeve, if you don’t mind a little advice?”

  “What’s that?”

  “You might try to take a bit more of an active role in your own life. You know ... instead of reactive?”

  That one stopped me short as I was reaching for the door.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Nothing. It was just a thought.”

  “Well, could you elaborate a little? C’mon, Butterfly! Don’t drop a line like that on me without some kind of an explanation to go with it.”

  “It’s really none of my business,” he shrugged. “But I couldn’t help but notice during your story that you seemed to be living your life reacting to crisis rather than having any real control over things. Your old partner and mentor got dropped in your lap and the two of you teamed up to stop someone who might try to assassinate either of you next. It was Aahz who forced you to try for the job as court magician, and ever since the
n you’ve been yielding to pressure, real or perceived, from almost everybody in your life: Tananda, Massha, the Mob, the Devan Chamber of Commerce ... even whatzisname, Grimble and that Badaxe have leaned on you. It just seems to me that for someone as successful as you obviously are, you really haven’t shown much gumption or initiative.”

  His words hit me like a bucket of cold water. I had been shouted out by experts, but somehow Butterfly’s calm criticism cut me deeper than any tongue-lashing I had ever received from Aahz.

  “Things have been kind of scrambled ... ” I started, but the financier cut me off.

  “I can see that, and I don’t mean to tell you how to run your life. You’ve had some strong-willed, dominating people who have been doing just that, though, and I’d have to say the main offender has been this fellow, Aahz. Now, I know you’re concerned about your friendship, but if I were you, I’d think long and hard about inviting him back into my life until I had gotten my own act together.”

  “SKEEVE! HEY, SKEEVE! Can ya ease up for a bit?”

  The words finally penetrated my self-imposed fog and I slackened my pace, letting Kalvin catch up with me.

  “Whew! Thanks,” the Djin said, hovering in his now accustomed place. “I told you before I’m not real strong. Even hovering takes energy, ya know. You were really moving there.”

  “Sorry,” I responded curtly, more out of habit than anything else.

  In all honesty, the Djin’s comfort was not a big priority item in my mind just then. I had had Edvik drive us back to the hotel after we left the Butterfly’s place. Instead of going on up to my room, however, I had headed off down the sidewalk. The street vendor I had spoken to earlier waved a friendly greeting, but I barely acknowledged it with a curt nod of my head. The Butterfly’s observations on my life had loosed an explosion of thought in my mind, and I figured maybe a brisk walk would help me sort things out.