MA08 Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections

by Robert Asprin

  “As you can probably tell, I’m not as at home with financial terms as I should be. Would you mind defining ‘adequate financial support’ to me ... in layman’s terms?”

  The smile vanished as he licked his lips nervously.

  “Well,” he said, “we should be able to cover your day-to-day needs, but if you were to require substantial backing ... say, over seven figures, we’d probably appreciate a day’s warning.”

  Seven figures! He was saying the bank was ready to supply me with up to ten million ... more if I gave them warning. I resolved that when I got back to the office, I was going to have to have Bunny go over our exact financial condition with me!

  EDVIK WAS VISIBLY impressed by my success with the bank. That was all right. I was impressed, too.

  “Gee! A solid gold card! I’ve heard about those, but I’ve never really seen one before,” he exclaimed as I proudly displayed my prize. “Not bad for a guy who didn’t think the bankers would want to even talk to him.”

  “It’s my first time to deal with a bank,” I said loftily. “To be honest with you, I didn’t even know about credit cards until Malcolm explained them to me.”

  A cloud passed over the cabbie’s face.

  “You’ve never had a credit card before? Well, watch your step is all I can say. They can be a dangerous habit, and if you get behind, bankers can be worse than Deveels to deal with.”

  “Worse than Deveels?”

  I didn’t like the sound of that. Deveels were a devil I knew ... if you’ll pardon the pun. Now I was starting to wonder if I should have asked a few more questions before accepting the bank’s services.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Edvick said, giving my back a hearty slap. “With your money, you can’t go wrong. Now then, let’s see about finding you a bodyguard.”

  “Um ... excuse me, but something just occurred to me.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Well, now that I have checks and a credit card, I don’t have to carry a lot of cash around.”

  “Yeah. So?”

  “So if I’m not carrying a lot of cash, what do I need a bodyguard for?” The cabbie rubbed his chin thoughtfully before answering.

  “First of all, just because you and I and the bank know you aren’t carrying a big wad anymore doesn’t mean the muggers know it.”

  “Good point. I ... ”

  “Then again, there’s the gang that might still be after you for roughing them up last night ... ”

  “Okay. Why don’t we ... ”

  “ ... And there’s still an ax murderer loose somewhere around your hotel ... ”

  “Enough! I get the picture! Let’s go find a bodyguard.”

  It occurred to me that if I listened to Edvick long enough, I’d either want more than one bodyguard or decide not to set foot outside my room at all.

  “Good,” my guide declared, rubbing his hands together as the cab commenced its now familiar swerving. “I think I know just the person.”

  Settling back in my seat, it occurred to me that Edvick would probably get a kickback from this bodyguard he was lining me up with. That would explain his enthusiasm to get us together. I banished the thought as a needless suspicion.

  The alert reader may have noticed that with the exception of a vague reference to the fat lady in the department store, I have said absolutely nothing about female Pervects. There’s a reason for that. Frankly, they intimidate me.

  Now don’t get me wrong, male Pervects are quite fearsome, as can be ascertained by my accounts of my friend and partner, Aahz. On the whole, they are big and muscular and would just as soon break you in two as look at you. Still, they possess a certain rough and tumble sense of humor, and are not above blustering a bit. All in all, they remind me of a certain type of lizard: the kind that puffs itself up and hisses when it’s threatened ... it can give a nasty bite, but it would probably prefer you to back down.

  Female Pervects seem to be cut from a whole different bolt of cloth. Their eyes are narrower and set further back on the head, making them look more ... well, reptilian. They never smile or laugh, and they don’t ever bluff. In short, they look and act more dangerous than their male counterparts.

  Some of you may wonder why I am choosing this point of the narrative to expound on the subject of female Pervects. The rest of you have already figured it out. For the former, let it suffice to say that the bodyguard Edvick introduced me to was a female.

  We found her in a bar, a lounge, actually, which the cabbie informed me she used as an office between jobs. She didn’t move or blink as we approached her table, which I came to realize meant she had been watching us from the moment we walked through the door. Edvick slid into a vacant chair at her table without invitation and motioned me into another.

  “This is Skeeve ... the Klahd I was telling you about,” he announced, then turned to me. “Skeeve, this here’s the bodyguard I’d recommend for you. There may be some better at doing what she does, but if so, I don’t know ‘em. For protection against physical or magikal attacks, she’s top of the line.”

  With that, he leaned back in his chair, letting us size each other up like two predators meeting over a fresh kill.

  Female Pervects seem to come in two body types. I’ll tell you about the other type later, but the kind the bodyguard was of the lean, wiry variety. Even sitting down I could tell she was tall, taller than me, anyway. Where Pervish males, as typified by Aahz, were generally built like walls, she was as slender and supple as a whip ... a rapier to their ax. I’ve mentioned that the men reminded me of lizards, well, she made me think of a poisonous snake ... graceful and beautiful without being attractive. She was wearing a dark waist-length cape that was almost a poncho except it was open in front, revealing a form-fitting jumpsuit underneath. Even a violence know-nothing like me could tell the cape would be perfect for producing and vanishing weapons with unsettling ease. Overall, she impressed me as being the most deadly woman I had ever met ... realizing I haven’t met that many green, bald, scaly women.

  “I hear you drink,” she said bluntly, breaking the silence.

  “Not well ... and, after last night, not often,” I returned.

  That earned me a curt nod.

  “Good. A girl’s got to watch her reputation.”

  It never even occurred to me that she might be referring to her way with me. She was stating quite simply that if anything happened to me while she was on guard, her professional status would suffer. What’s more, she didn’t want to risk that reputation on a fool. As one inclined to talk too much, I was impressed with how much she could communicate with so few words.

  “Ever work with a bodyguard before?”

  “Yes. I have two back on Deva. They were ... busy elsewhere, so I came to Perv alone.”

  There was a flicker in her eye and a slight tightening of her lips, which was as close as she came to expressing her opinion of bodyguards who let their principal come to Perv unescorted, then she continued with the subject at hand.

  “Good. That means you already know the basic drill. The way I work, I go where you go and sleep where you sleep. I go through any door ahead of you unless I’m covering your exit, and I taste everything before you put it in your mouth. Clear?”

  “I don’t think you have to worry about poison on this one,” Edvick said, “just muggers and ... ”

  She cut him off with a glance.

  “If he pays for the full treatment, he gets the full treatment. Clear, Skeeve?”

  “On covering my exit ... how do we handle it if we don’t know what’s on the other side of the door?”

  I was thinking of how I got mousetrapped sneaking out of the last bar I was in.

  “I cover you as far as the door, then you stand beside me while I check the exit. If there’s trouble, I’ll tell you which way to move ... in or out.”

 
“Clear.”

  “Any other questions?”

  “Just if you’ll be available for anywhere from a few days to a week,” I said. “If so, I’d like to retain your services.”

  “Don’t you want to know what I charge?”

  I shrugged. “Why? I’m impressed. I’m ready to pay whatever it costs.” I paused, then smiled. “Besides, you don’t strike me as the type to either up the cost for a well-heeled client or to haggle over prices.”

  That earned me a brief, flat stare.

  “I’ll take the job,” she said finally. “And you’re right, I don’t haggle or pad the bill. Those are two of my more endearing traits.”

  I wasn’t sure if that last was intended as a joke or not, but decided it was as close as she was apt to get, and chuckled appreciatively.

  “One more thing ... what’s your name?”

  “Pookanthimbusille.”

  “Excuse me?” I blinked.

  She gave a small shrug.

  “Just call me Pookie. It’s easier.”

  “Pookie?”

  At first it struck me as a ridiculously silly name for her. Then I ran my eyes over her again, and allowed as how she could be called anything she wanted to be called. If anyone laughed, it wouldn’t be me.

  “Pookie it is then ... ” just checking to be sure I had the pronunciation right. “Shall we go?”

  I had Edvick drive us back to the hotel. While I hadn’t gotten a lot accomplished today toward finding Aahz, what I had done had left me feeling a little drained. Besides, there was another little matter I wanted to take care of.

  For a change, luck seemed to be with me. As the cab pulled up in front of the hotel I could see J.R. at his usual place by the entrance. I figured that was fortunate since I wouldn’t have known where to find him otherwise. I caught his eye through the window and waved him over. Unfortunately, Pookie didn’t see me wave. All she saw was a street vendor moving to intercept us as we emerged from the cab.

  “Pookie! NO!”

  I was barely in time.

  My bodyguard had a sinister looking weapon out and was drawing a bead on J.R. almost before I could say anything. At the sound of my warning, however, all movement froze and she shot me a vaguely quizzical look.

  “It’s all right,” I said hastily. “He’s a friend of mine. He’s coming over because I waved at him as we pulled up.”

  The weapon vanished as she gave the street vendor a hard, appraising look.

  “Interesting friends you have.”

  “He was the one who saved my bacon in last night’s encounter with the local wildlife. Hang on a few ... I’ve got a little business to transact with him.”

  Pookie nodded and began scanning the immediate area with a watchful eye as I turned to J.R.

  “Interesting friends you’ve got,” he said, staring at my bodyguard.

  “Funny, she was just saying the same thing about you. She’s my new bodyguard. After last night, it seemed like a good idea. Incidentally, sorry about that welcome. I forgot to warn her you were coming over.”

  “No problem. What’s up?”

  “I paid a little visit to the bank today,” I explained, holding up my checkbook. “Now I’ve got the funding for that little venture of ours.”

  “Hey! That’s terrific! That’s all I need to start making us some real money.”

  “Not so fast,” I cautioned. “Let’s settle the details and paper this thing first.”

  “What for? You’ve already said you trust me and I sure trust you.”

  “It’s cleaner this way. Contracts are the best way to be sure we’re both hearing the same thing in this arrangement ... not to mention it documents the split at the beginning instead of waiting until we’re arguing over a pile of profits.”

  He was still a bit reluctant, but I managed to convince him and we scribbled down the details in duplicate on some pieces of paper he produced from one of his many pockets. I say ‘we’ because I couldn’t read or write Pervish, and he was equally ignorant of Klahdish, so we each had to make two copies of the agreement in our own language. To say the least, I didn’t drive a particularly hard bargain ... 25% of the profits after expenses. I figured he would be doing all of the work, so he should get the bulk of the reward. All I was doing was funding him. I even put in a clause where he could buy out my share if things went well. When it was done, we each signed all the copies and shook hands.

  “Thanks, Skeeve,” the vendor beamed, stuffing one copy of each translation into a pocket. “Believe me, this is a sure money maker.”

  “Any idea yet where your storefront is going to be?”

  “No. Remember I said I was going to start out small? Well, I figure to start by supplying the other street vendors, then using the profits from that to lease and stock the storefront. It’ll probably be three weeks to a month before I’m ready for that move.”

  A month wasn’t too bad for start-up time. I admired his industry and confidence.

  “Well, good luck!” I said sincerely. “Be sure to leave word for me at the bank when you have a permanent address. I’ll be in touch.”

  He gathered his wares and headed off down the street as I joined Pookie once more.

  “I’d like to apologize for that mix-up,” I said. “I should have let you know he was coming over.”

  “I figured he was okay,” the bodyguard replied, still watching the street. “He didn’t move like a mugger. It just seemed like a good time for a little demonstration, so I did my thing.”

  “You really didn’t have to put on a demonstration for me. I don’t have any doubts about your abilities.”

  Pookie glanced at me.

  “Not for you,” she corrected. “For them ... the folks watching here on the street. It was my way of announcing that you’re covered now and they should keep their distance.”

  That possibility had never occurred to me.

  “Oh,” I said. “Well, I guess I should stick with my business and let you handle yours.”

  “Agreed,” she nodded, “though I’ll admit the way you do business puzzles me a bit. Sorry, but I couldn’t help but overhear your dealings there.”

  “What? You mean my insisting on a contract? The reason I pushed for it there and not for our deal is that it was a long-term investment as opposed to a straight-forward purchase of services.”

  “That isn’t it.”

  “What is it then ... the contract terms? Maybe I was a little more generous than I had to be, but the situation is ... ”

  I broke off as I realized the bodyguard was staring hard at me.

  “What I meant,” she said flatly, “was that before I put money into a business, I’d want to know what it was.”

  “You heard him. It’s a wholesale/dealer operation.”

  “Yes, but what’s he selling?”

  I didn’t answer that one because I didn’t have an answer. In my eagerness to do J.R. a good turn, I had completely forgotten to ask what kind of business he was starting!

  BRIGHT AND EARLY the next morning, I launched into the next phase of my search for Aahz. The Butterfly had convinced me it was unlikely I’d find him traveling in financial circles. That left the magicians.

  As Edvick had warned, the sheer volume of Pervects in the magik business made the task seem almost impossible. It was my last idea, though, so I had to give it a try and hope I got lucky. By the time I had visited half a dozen or so operations, however, I was nearly ready to admit I was licked.

  The real problem facing me was that the market glut had made the magicians extremely competitive. No one was willing to talk about any other magicians, or even acknowledge their existence. What I got was high-powered sales pitches and lectures on “the layman’s need for magikal assistance in his day-do-day life”. Once I admitted I was in the business myself, I either got offered a
partnership or was accused of spying and thrown out of the office. (Well, a couple of them threatened, but thanks to Pookie’s presence I got to walk out with dignity.) What I didn’t get was any leads or information about Aahz.

  Despite my growing despair of succeeding with my quest, it was interesting to view magikal hype as an outsider. Kalvin had admonished me for being too insecure and downplaying my abilities. What I learned that day after sitting through several rounds of bragging in close succession, was that the louder someone blew his own horn, the less impressed the listener, in this case, me, was apt to be. I thought of the quiet confidence exuded by people such as the Butterfly and Pookie, and decided that, in general, that was a much wiser way to conduct oneself in business situations ... or social ones for that matter. As far as I could tell, the goal was not to impress people, but rather to be impressive. In line with that, I resolved to not only discourage the “Mister Skeeve” title, but to also drop “The Great Skeeve” hype. I had never really believed it anyway. What I was was Skeeve, and people could either be impressed or not by what I was, not by what I called myself.

  If this seems like a sudden bolt from the blue to you, it isn’t. The area of Perv I was covering was large enough that I was spending considerable time riding back and forth in Edvick’s taxi, and it gave me lots of time to think and reflect on what I was seeing and hearing. What’s more, the advice given me by the Butterfly and Kalvin, not to mention the questions I had to ask myself about trying to fetch Aahz, had given me cause to reexamine my own attitudes and priorities, so I had plenty to think about.

  Dealing with what seemed to be an endless parade of people who had never heard of me before, much less met me, gave me a unique chance to observe how people interacted. More and more I found myself reflecting on how I reacted to them and they reacted to me.

  Pervects had a reputation for being nasty and vicious, not to mention arrogant. There was also ample evidence that they could be more than slightly rude. Still, I had also encountered individuals who had been helpful and gentle, such as the Butterfly, and even those like J.R. who would risk themselves physically for a near stranger who was in trouble. Clearly there was danger in stereotyping people, though it was interesting to observe the behavior patterns which had developed to deal with a crowded, competitive environment. Even more interesting was noting those who seemed immune to the environmental pressure that ruled the others about them.