Philadelphia

by L B Winter

  “Hey, Paul,” the not-a-stranger said.

  I turned my head to see a person who sort of looked familiar—maybe? “Hi. Do I…have we met?”

  “Yeah, we met at the Freedom Center. I’m Jason, I was in group with you. Remember?”

  Well, shit. “Oh, yeah. Jason. Hey. Good to see you again.” I remembered him now, black hair, sharp nose, big eyes. Thick, black-rimmed glasses. Sort of looked like a puppy pouting.

  “Good to see you, too, man,” he said, much more comfortable now that I’d acknowledged that I remembered him. He swung open his backpack, pulled out his laptop, placed it on the table we now shared, and smiled at me. “How are you? You just left Freedom all of a sudden, and no one ever heard from you again.”

  I nodded, looking straight ahead. I really didn’t want to get into this in the middle of my sociology lecture hall. “Ah, you know. Decided conversion therapy wasn’t really for me,” I said with a cursory smile, then turned my head forward in a manner that I hoped would discourage further chat. What do you know, it didn’t.

  “Yeah, it wasn’t really for me, either, but I guess you can’t win ‘em all,” he said with a smile, logging into his computer.

  I finally looked right at him. “Really? You didn’t get reoriented either?”

  Jason laughed and said, “Do I seem reoriented?” I gave him a quick once-over and noticed that he had green nail polish on his fingers and rainbow stickers on his laptop. But that didn’t necessarily mean anything—although in this case, it was Jason’s way of showing the world who he was.

  Laughing, I conceded, “I guess you don’t. Man. Well, Jason, it’s good to see you again.”

  “Yeah, you said that before,” he said with a smirk. “Sorry, I guess I surprised you. I saw you in here on the first day, and I just assumed you saw me, too.”

  “I wasn’t really looking around,” I said sheepishly, before he interrupted.

  “No, no, I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant that I realize I surprised you here. You weren’t expecting to see me, that’s all I meant. I know seeing people from that time in your life can be unnerving. Believe me, whenever I run into somebody I know from Freedom, I get worked up.”

  That piqued my interest. “You run into guys often?”

  Jason shrugged, “Yeah, well, I work at the Christian bookstore north of the city, and a lot of the people working at the Center come by there.”

  I frowned. “You…you’re still gay, though, right?”

  Jason cracked up. “Yeah, I think we established that,” again gesturing at himself with a small laugh.

  “Well, you can look like you’re gay without being gay,” I muttered, feeling embarrassed to have to explain homosexual etiquette to a member of the group, as it were. He just laughed, though.

  “I know, man, but I’m not ashamed. This is me. This is who I am.” He paused before adding, “But, try telling that to the people from Freedom.”

  I nodded, but something still wasn’t computing. I tried again. “Don’t you have to be Christian to work at a Christian bookstore?”

  “Yep,” Jason said with a smile.

  “And…you’re gay?”

  Jason gave an exasperated sigh before turning to me with a smile on his face. “I’m gay. God made me this way. He’s given me peace about it. I’m still a Christian, and I have a partner, and he’s a Christian, too.”

  My jaw literally dropped open—that’s how totally surprised I was. I had so many questions, but I was actually too speechless to ask. Jason laughed again at how befuddled I was, but the lecture was starting so we couldn’t really talk anymore. He asked me before we left class, though, if I wanted to go for coffee, and the next thing I knew, we’d made plans to meet up after classes. He had another lecture after this one, but then he had some time before he had to go work the closing shift at the bookstore. I figured, what’s the harm?

  When I got back to the dorms, Tay was deep in studying, and I tossed my backpack on the floor before joining him and his organic chemistry books on the couch.

  “Hey,” he said distractedly, glancing up from a page covered in what looked like a foreign language and pictures of something brown that must be organic, though it could’ve fooled me.

  “Hey…so, you’ll never guess who was in my sociology class today.”

  “Who?”

  “A guy I used to know from…uh…from conversion therapy.”

  Taylor slammed his textbook shut and tossed it to the floor. I rolled my eyes. So dramatic.

  “What? A guy from…? Is it that guy, that…uh…Jimmy or whoever?”

  “It’s Jamie. And no, not Jamie, another guy in our group. A nice guy, actually, named Jason.”

  Tay shook his head at me, eyes still wide. “Well, that’s random. And he’s in your soc class?”

  “Yeah, he said he recognized me on the first day, but he just came up and introduced himself today.”

  “You okay?” Taylor asked.

  “I’m fine,” I told him, shrugging. “I just wasn’t…whatever, I wasn’t expecting to see somebody I knew from there, but he…he said it didn’t work for him, either, actually. Reorientation. He’s still gay.”

  Slowly, as I said these things, I began to process what they meant to me. Because I had always been sure I was the only one who didn’t successfully change over from the dark side or whatever in our group, and sometimes I felt like the only one in the whole clinic—though I suppose I wouldn’t know, considering I never actually spoke to any of them. It made me feel oddly better to know that I wasn’t the only one who thought it was bogus; strength in numbers and all that.

  Taylor saw the wheels turning in my head, and he kicked my ankle to get my attention. “Hey. What are you thinking?”

  I tossed a pillow at him. “Thinking about how nosy my best friend is,” I said, and was met with laughter.

  “I just want to make sure you’re good,” he told me. “So this guy’s gay like you?”

  “Yeah, he’s gay. And a Christian.” I said this like it was impressive, but Tay said, “So what? So are you.”

  I frowned and said, “I mean, yeah, I guess, but he’s like…really gay.”

  “As opposed to your…pretend gayness?”

  “No!” I laughed and grabbed the pillow back from him so I could swat him with it again. “No, I mean he has a boyfriend.”

  Tay’s eyes widened in understanding. “Oh. He’s really gay.”

  “Yeah,” I said, “he’s really gay. And I don’t know what that means. I mean, does that mean I can be gay, too? Or, is he doing something wrong and I’m doing it right? So, I don’t know. I’m confused.”

  Taylor was still looking straight at me, eyes locked with mine in sympathy. “Did he explain about it? I mean, you don’t really have people who can relate to you on this, do you? And this guy sounds like he can.”

  I smiled, because Tay sounded like he was about to suggest I spend more time with this guy, not even knowing that it was exactly what I was already planning to do. Tay is an awesome friend.

  “We might talk about it more. We’re getting coffee later, actually.”

  “Later today?”

  “Yeah, at 4:30.”

  “Oh, sweet, man, can I come?”

  “What? No, of course you can’t come!”

  “Why not?”

  I paused. Why not? Because I didn’t want my straight friend there? Because I wanted one-on-one time with Jason? Neither was true.

  After a deep sigh, I said, “I guess…I guess you can come if you really want to.”

  Tay smiled. “Thanks, man! I want to meet your friends, you know?” Then he went back to studying, and after a quiet moment I pulled out my laptop to work on an essay, playing over my meeting with Jason in the back of my mind.

  And that was how, an hour later, the two of us found ourselves walking into Big Mugs Coffee to meet a guy who used to be in conversion therapy with me two years before.

  Jason already had a table, and when he saw me w
alk in, he stood up, smiled and asked, “Who’s this?”

  “This is my best friend, Taylor Reese. Taylor, this is Jason…um…”

  “Kwong,” Jason supplied helpfully, glancing quickly over at me with a small smile. “Nice to meet you.”

  I could see that Jason thought Taylor and I were more than friends, even offering Taylor a small wink, which Tay just loved. He glanced at me with eyebrows raised, clearly amused, before sitting down, and I knew that if I didn’t say something, Tay would go on pretending we were a couple the whole time.

  “Taylor’s been my best friend since elementary school, and he knows all about Freedom. He wanted to tag along.”

  “Oh, okay,” Jason said, coloring slightly as he straightened his jaw and gave Tay a more serious nod.

  Tay laughed and punched his shoulder lightly, saying, “Thought I was his boyfriend, huh?”

  Jason relaxed and laughed a bit, but ignored Tay’s question. “Want coffee? I was just going to run up and order.”

  “I’ll go with you; I know what Paul drinks.” Tay smiled down at me, ruffled my hair, and added, “Don’t I, hun?”

  “Shut up,” I growled back at him as he and Jason walked up to the counter. Just then my phone vibrated, and before I had time to notice or care about how Taylor was interrogating Jason, I saw that Steven was calling me.

  “Hey, man, what’s up?”

  “Ugh! I’m so bored, you have no idea. Are you in class? What are you doing?”

  “Actually, you’ll never guess what I’m doing, Steve-o.”

  “Um…finally getting that tangled up pseudo-mullet of yours hacked off? Finding me a job so I don’t have to sell my body on the street corners to afford good tequila? Oh, oh, I know! Picking out neon animal prints so you’ll fit in with all your new classmates in the fashion design department?!”

  When I met his frenzy of guesses with silence, he added, “And don’t call me Steve-o!”

  I laughed and said, “No more talking about fashion design! I told you, I’m not into that.”

  “I know, and quite frankly, you’d be awful at it. Can’t all be as talented as my famed roommates, can we?”

  “No, I guess we can’t.”

  “So it’s the mullet, then? You’re finally putting me out of my misery so I don’t have to be seen out in public with a wannabe eighties hair-band rocker all the time?”

  “I have told you a million times, it’s not a mullet! I like it long; Mom and Dad never let me grow it out.”

  “I can’t even tell you have ears anymore.”

  “I have ears.”

  “What are you doing?”

  I sighed, glancing up at where Jason and Taylor were standing in line for coffee. “I’m at Big Mugs with Taylor and a guy from my sociology class.”

  “Kinky.”

  “Yeah, I think Tay’s trying to convince him we’re boyfriends.”

  “Tay’s a weirdo.”

  I sighed again, heavily. “That he is.”

  “So…you sound funny.”

  “Do I?”

  “Yeah, you sound like something’s bothering you. What’s wrong?”

  One more sigh, and then I explained to Steven who Jason is and what we were doing here.

  “Where are they now?”

  “Who? Oh, Tay and Jason? They’re getting our coffee. Actually, looks like they’re about to walk back. I’ve gotta go.”

  “Oh, good lord, Taylor’s gonna try to get him to spill all the details about conversion therapy.”

  “What details? I’ve told him everything.”

  “Things you don’t even know, sweetie. Think about it. It’s Taylor. What’s the first thing he’ll ask?”

  I groaned, told Steven goodbye, and rubbed my hand over my face as I put my phone back in my pocket. Of course, of course, Taylor was asking about Jamie. I should have known that stupid thing he said about wanting to meet my friends was a line; it was so transparent! I couldn’t even be mad; I should have seen it coming.

  ***

  Coffee with Jason was nice. We caught up and spoke more about what we’d both been up to since Freedom than about our time there. He invited us out again, and said we should meet his boyfriend, Milton, next time. Taylor was uncharacteristically quiet for most of the hour, just letting me and Jason talk. But I knew Steven was right; Taylor was only quiet because he already had the information he was looking for. No wonder he’d wanted to come with me.

  Since Big Mugs was downtown, we didn’t take the bus home right away. Instead, we walked to Trent, Lynn, and Steven’s place. It felt like a different city to me. I never slept by that river. I never used a tattered blanket to keep out the cold. My rearview was blurring.

  On the way, Taylor tried to distract me—he worried downtown would bring back bad memories—by talking about Jason. Then he readily and abruptly admitted he’d asked about Jamie.

  “You’ll be glad to know I found out some interesting things,” he said with wagging eyebrows, as though he’d done me some grand favor.

  “Why did you do that? You know I don’t want to know about him, or talk to him, or anything.” I wasn’t angry, but I felt tired as I said it.

  “You aren’t even a little bit curious?”

  “No. Not even a little bit. I mean it. I’m happy now, and it took me a while to get here. I’m not going to risk that by opening that can of worms, and I would expect that you, of all people, would try to see where I’m coming from.”

  Taylor looked at me as we walked up the sidewalk. He opened his mouth and took a deep breath to speak, but then simply let it out, and I could see his shoulders deflate. Before he could begin to apologize, I swung my arm up and punched his shoulder. “It’s okay,” I told him sincerely.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, I know you did it for me, and I appreciate it, you know? Just…please do me a favor and keep it to yourself.”

  He nodded. “Yeah. Sure thing. I won’t say a word about it.”

  I smiled to myself as we walked up to the apartment building where we let ourselves in using the key Lynn had copied for me. I was sure Steven would pepper Taylor for details, and before long I would be the only person who hadn’t heard all about what Jamie was up to. But it didn’t matter to me, really. That chapter in my life was closed.

  When we got into the apartment, Taylor pushed ahead of me and made a beeline for the bathroom, muttering something about his extra-large chai and his extra-small bladder.

  I walked into the living room and saw Steven sitting idly on the couch. He really must have been bored; the TV was off and there weren’t any books or other means of entertainment anywhere near him. As soon as Steven saw us, his face lit up. Even so, I couldn’t ignore the shadowy look in his eyes from only moments before.

  “Oh, thank God! I was literally sitting here doing nothing all afternoon, and I’m so bored!”

  “Clearly,” I said as Steven sprang up towards me for a hug. “Stevey, why so bored today? Weren’t you going to start looking for a job somewhere?”

  “Ugh, you sound as bad as Trent,” he frowned and walked off to the couch again. “He decided he didn’t want me working at East Chic, something about mixing business with pleasure. But I don’t know where else to work! I mean, I have my degree in theatre, for crying out loud! I’m a drag queen, I’m not cut out for menial labor!”

  I rolled my eyes and sank onto the cushion next to him. “You’ve gotta work somewhere.”

  “I do work somewhere! I work Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights in Pittsburgh and I make enough in tips to cover my rent and utilities, plus enough in fees to cover my student loans! I’m not a leech!”

  I turned to face him, surprised. “I never said you were!”

  Steven shook his head and said, “Yeah, I know you didn’t. It’s something Trent said…”

  “Trent said you weren’t pulling your weight?” I was genuinely confused by this. Trent was normally obnoxiously, sugary sweet to Steven, and I couldn’t imagine him saying something
like that. Besides, I’d seen Steven’s tips on an average Saturday night, and he easily cleared $500—and that wasn’t counting special shows and holidays. The need for a job was more to stave off boredom than anything else.

  “No, no, he didn’t say that exactly.” Steven sighed and I waited expectantly. Finally, Steven explained, “I wanted to go to The Beat tonight for the drag showcase, and Trent said he would come with me last week, but now he’s got orders to catch up on or something, so he can’t. And then he said he didn’t have time to hang out with me at all this week, like not our normal lunches or sewing dresses for me or anything.

  “So, I guess I got a little bit pissy or whatever, but I mean, can you blame me? I was upset that I won’t get to see my boyfriend all week, and then he said I was being unsupportive and he’s never unsupportive of me even though all I do is lay around all day—”

  “He said that?” I interrupted.

  “Yeah, that part he said,” Steven said, looking embarrassed. “He said that I have all this time on my hands and it’s my own fault if I’m bored, but he’s not gonna let that get in the way of his career.”

  “Shit,” I said quietly. “What did you say back?”

  “I said I only moved here for him! I said I was a host at the best gay club back home and I worked every night and had tons of responsibilities, and now I’m here to be with him and I’m not going to get just any job if it isn’t going to help with my career. And then…and then…I don’t know, we just had a really big fight and then he left for work and didn’t text or anything all day.”

  I shot a tight breath from my lips, trying to be sympathetic to both my friends. I knew Trent had been stressed lately. The high schooler they’d hired had graduated and moved away, and without him, they were getting to a point with East Chic where they wouldn’t be able to survive without hiring some serious extra help. But still. That wasn’t any excuse to take it all out on Steven, and I was sure Trent knew it. “When’s he coming home?”

  “He doesn’t know,” Steven muttered.

  “Well, I don’t know about Pauly, but I’m free tonight if you want to go to the club with us.” Taylor’s voice came from the hallway, where he’d been quietly leaning against the wall.