Close to Home

by Rachel Spangler

  “What do you want?” Kelly asked in a tone that made it clear she understood exactly what she was doing to her.

  “I’m not going to last much longer.”

  “Hmm.” She brushed her thumb over the spot that sent Elliot’s hips surging off the bed. “Is that what you need?”

  “More,” Elliot gasped.

  Kelly complied, causing her toes to curl.

  “Yes, Kelly, yes.” She clutched Kelly’s back, short fingernails digging into amazingly smooth skin. “Inside me, please.”

  Kelly’s breath grew hot and heavy against her skin as she worked her way in. The beat of their hearts raced in time to the thrust of their bodies. They crested up, then pulled back only for the chance to crash into each other again.

  “Yes. Go. Don’t stop,” Elliot called until the babble of encouragement disintegrated into incoherency.

  Kelly rode the wave of tremors through her body, kissing, pushing, pulling every ounce of pleasure she could out of her. Then when stillness reigned and they lay spent, she slipped into the crook of Elliot’s arm and whispered. “Thank you.”

  Elliot kissed the top of her head, breathing deeply in an attempt to memorize the scent of her as she drifted off to sleep. The intimacy of the moment caused her chest to constrict as new emotions grew there, but she refused to acknowledge them. She wouldn’t let the fear and doubt creep in yet. She wouldn’t examine anything she shouldn’t feel, nor would she judge the feelings she couldn’t yet put into perspective. She wouldn’t worry about tomorrow, or consequences. Not yet.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “So, you’re very good at a number of things,” Kelly said as Elliot pulled a frozen pizza out of her apartment-size oven. She’d started with the base of an off-brand pizza, then added chicken, spinach, and fresh parmesan cheese. “You never just accept what you’re given. You always push for something better.”

  “I was groomed for excellence,” Elliot said.

  Kelly laughed. Of course Elliot had a quick comeback for everything, and Kelly actually preferred her that way. If all couldn’t be right with her world, at least these stolen moments could help restore some sense of natural order.

  “I’m not joking.” Elliot slid the pizza onto the counter and fanned it with an oven mitt. “My mother has a lot of her worldview riding on me being well-adjusted and successful.”

  “How so?”

  “I’m living proof that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

  “You’re kind of a big deal.”

  “I really am.” Elliot gave her a cocky grin amplified by the fact that she wore only an apron. “I have to be. Or else I prove all the naysayers right.”

  “What naysayers?”

  “The people who condemn single moms or lesbians or young women in general. The ones who believe a woman’s place is behind her man. The men who think women don’t belong in positions of power.” She recited the words as if she’d either said or heard the speech before. “I have to show them I don’t need a man to help me wield my power. I can do that on my own, but in order to show them that, I have to actually get into a position of power.”

  Elliot loaded a couple of mismatched plates with pizza and carried them back to the bedroom.

  “We’re eating in bed?” Kelly asked, following her.

  “Why not? Let’s live dangerously.”

  “I suppose it’s the least scandalous thing we’ve done tonight.”

  Elliot took off the apron and tossed it to the floor with the rest of their clothing, then propped herself up on a pile of pillows, bare-chested like some Amazon warrior. Kelly had to summon all the manners ever drilled into her to keep from staring … or touching.

  “Do you think I’m silly?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Do you think it’s silly of me to believe I can make a difference amid all the small-minded men in Washington, D.C.?”

  “Oh, well, not silly. No. You’re a force to be reckoned with. I do worry the emphasis on gender is a bit misguided, though.”

  Elliot didn’t seem the least bit defensive as she took a bite of pizza and chewed before asking. “Misguided, how?”

  “I think you’ll make a difference because you’re smart and passionate and you care about something bigger than yourself. I don’t think any of those things depend on your being a woman.”

  “You don’t think women bring a unique perspective to conversations previously dominated by men?”

  “Some women do, but I believe a thoughtful, reflective, feminist man could do the same. Not all women are necessarily more caring than all men, especially when given power they’ve been denied too long. Remember Margaret Thatcher?”

  Elliot’s forehead creased as though thinking took physical effort.

  “Oh my God, you don’t remember Margaret Thatcher!” Kelly pointed at her with the slice of pizza she’d yet to try. “What year were you born?”

  “1991.”

  “I just had sex with a zygote.”

  Elliot laughed so heartily, Kelly’s mortification faded. She couldn’t regret what they’d done, no matter how old she might feel right then. Still, she marveled at the disconnect. “You weren’t even alive in the ’80s.”

  “Oh, come on. You’re not that much older than I am.”

  “I’m old enough to remember at least half the ’80s.”

  “So what, you’re five years older?”

  “Eight. I’m eight years older.” She took a bite of her pizza and let the realization sink in. “At least you can cook. This pizza’s pretty amazing, considering it was thrown together by a child.”

  “Eight years’ difference is nothing in the grand scheme of a lifetime. Numerical age is what you make of it.”

  “Says the zygote.”

  “Oh come on. You’re not even halfway through your thirties. I know plenty of lesbians your age who are clubbing every weekend and vacationing at Girl Splash or Dinah Shore Weekend.”

  “I don’t even know what those things are.”

  “My point exactly,” Elliot said with smug satisfaction. “Some people never grow up, but you give off the vibe of having been born as an adult. I bet you were a precocious child.”

  “I don’t know about precocious, but I suppose I was more serious than my peers. I had more on my mind. I think I understood the gravity of the choices I had to make at a much younger age.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know.” Her chest tightened at the lie. She knew why, but she didn’t want to have this conversation. Not now, not in the safe haven they’d created to block out the outside world. Then again, carrying the secret around didn’t seem to help much. Maybe if she’d just answered the question weeks ago instead of pushing Elliot away, she could’ve avoided the need to seek refuge in the first place, or maybe she would’ve found the refuge sooner.

  “Did I cross one of those invisible tripwires?” Elliot asked softly.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You have topics, triggers, that upset you, and I’m never quite sure what they are until I trip over one of them. Sometimes I’m still not sure what I said, even after the explosion. But I think I inadvertently set something off again.”

  “No.” Kelly sighed. “Maybe. Yes, you did, but it’s not your fault.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you. If I only knew how not to upset you, I’d try harder to avoid doing so.”

  “You don’t have to try harder. Everyone else knows. I sort of liked that you didn’t and that you wouldn’t hang around long enough to find out.”

  “And now?”

  “Now I’m not so sure.” She wasn’t sure she wanted to keep things from her and she felt even less certain about Elliot’s waning time in Darlington.

  “You don’t have to tell me. We’ve all got our secrets.”

  “Except mine’s not a secret,” Kelly said, then bowed her head as the words poured out. “Everyone knows my mom left us just before I turned three.”

  “She left you?”

/>   “Me and my dad. One day she just walked out. She took virtually nothing with her. She didn’t say goodbye. She left no forwarding address. I think she left a note for my dad, but I never saw it.”

  “And you never asked him?”

  “No. For years I didn’t want to know what she’d said. I worried I’d done something wrong. I thought it was my fault.”

  “Oh, Kelly.” Elliot took her hand and held on loosely.

  “I know now I probably didn’t have anything to do with it, at least not in any way I could have avoided as a toddler. People don’t just run away from their husband and daughter because of normal kid behavior. She had to have been profoundly unhappy with our lives, but realizing that didn’t exactly help me feel better.”

  “No, I guess it wouldn’t.”

  “I know my dad isn’t an exciting man. He doesn’t like parties or dancing or cities or whatever she wanted, but he loved her. And he cared for us. He provided a good home and a steady income, and I find it hard to believe he would’ve denied her anything she truly desired.”

  “And you. You’re amazing. She could’ve at least kept in contact.”

  “She didn’t want to. She didn’t see anything about our lives as worthy of salvaging, and I resented her for that.” The anger still rose up in her so fast it rubbed raw against her throat. “I saw the good in us. Why couldn’t she?”

  Elliot seemed to understand the question was rhetorical, but her eyes stayed on Kelly, not pushing, but never turning away from the grief pouring out of her now.

  “We might not be adventurous, but we’re loyal and trustworthy, and we made a good life together. I used to dream about her realizing what a terrible mistake she’d made. I had these elaborate revenge fantasies about her coming back to see us doing well. She would see the bond my dad and I shared and his successful business and our happy home. Then she’d learn that you can’t run away from your problems. She’d understand we were right all along, and she was wrong. So stupid of me.”

  “I think that’s a pretty natural impulse.”

  Elliot ran her thumb along the back of Kelly’s palm in comforting patterns. How long had it been since she’d experienced the peace that came with casual touching? “I thought if I was just good enough and worked hard enough and stayed strong long enough, we would be vindicated. If only I could grow up to be just like my dad, everyone would see how superior we were, but that’s hard to do when everyone keeps heaping pity on you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s a small town. People talk and talk and talk.” She couldn’t keep her jaw from tightening at the thought. “Whenever I went somewhere new or started a new activity, people would whisper about my sad situation. I could never just be Kelly. I was always, ‘You know her, the one whose mom ran out on them.’ ”

  “Didn’t it get better with time?”

  “No, it just got more deeply ingrained into the narrative.” She could still hear the echo of their voices. “Everything I ever did made the rumor mill spin. And it didn’t matter good or bad. When I wasn’t perfect, I heard ‘What do you expect? Her mother ran out on her.’ It even tainted my accomplishments. Nothing I ever did was just impressive on its own. I was always, ‘impressive’ for a girl with no mother.’ Worst of all, they couldn’t ever just credit my dad with being a great parent. They always had to point out how much he did ‘for a single dad, the poor man.’ ”

  “I’m so sorry. I always thought people here lived these idyllic childhoods. I guess I never really gave any thought to the downside of living someplace where people have known you your whole life. You never really get to change the story.”

  “I like to think we’re past it now. I’m not a kid anymore, and I’ve worked hard to become known as Kelly Rolen, CPA or Kelly Rolen, Rotary member, or Kelly Rolen, all-around good citizen. I had to fight their whispers and their pity and their preconceived notions, but I guess the fight helped make me who I am today.”

  “I’m a little envious of you on that count,” Elliot said wistfully.

  “That I provided the whole town an eighteen-year pity party?”

  “Not that count. The one where you had to fight for who you are so you came out the other side stronger. You know you’ve got fight in you and that you can sustain it. You’re battle-tested and you stood firm.” She lay back and stared at the ceiling. “I wish the same could be said for me.”

  “You?” Kelly scoffed. “You, who gets into bar fights to protect the honor of strangers? You don’t know if you can stand your ground?”

  “No. First of all, that was a worthless fight. I didn’t think it through. It was a flash of anger, and then I felt terrible. I don’t know if I can stay the course when it matters. Not over years, not over a lifetime.”

  “But you’re so very … you.”

  Elliot smiled. “Am I? I don’t know. I’ve never really been tested. I’ve never had to fight for my identity or my ideals. I’ve had everything handed to me. I’m the picture of ease and privilege.”

  Kelly shook her head. Elliot couldn’t be serious.

  “Think about my life. My mom’s a lawyer— a damn good one. I had every opportunity, the best schools, travel, chances to interact with smart, influential people. Liberal, progressive minds all around. I only got to volunteer with VITA because I didn’t have to have a job in high school. I worked with all these underprivileged families pretending to fight the power, but I wasn’t one of them. I’m not a member of the working class. I’m a faux proletariat.”

  “You’re a fauxletariot.”

  “Oh God, I am!” Elliot covered her face with her hands.

  “So, you’ve got a good dose of privilege from your upbringing, but you acknowledge it, and you’ve dedicated your life to helping dis-mantle the system that gave you every advantage. That’s pretty impressive. Most people would’ve taken the money and run.”

  “I may yet. Who knows until I’m really pushed? Deep down, I may be a fraud.”

  “But you’re a gay fraud. You’re out and proud. That takes fight.”

  “I was nowhere near the first out person in my high school. You’re the most conservative person I’ve ever worked with, and you’re gay.” Elliot laughed. “You know I came to school down here looking for a fight?”

  “I’m not surprised.”

  “Sydney was. I think picking Bramble University was probably the most rebellious thing I ever did. I had offers for scholarships from several other schools. I even started out at DePaul, but everyone was so damn liberal there, I knew I wouldn’t catch any shit.”

  “Catching shit isn’t something many colleges list in their brochures.”

  “It’s not,” Elliot admitted, “but when I met Rory I thought, ‘she knows how to fight.’ ”

  Kelly fought the urge to roll her eyes. “She always has.”

  “You’re not a fan.”

  “Of Rory?” She shook her head. “We grew up together. We’re on speaking terms.”

  “What a ringing endorsement.”

  She shrugged. She didn’t want to talk about Rory in bed.

  Elliot didn’t seem to get the message. “It’s odd that Beth comes by all the time, but Rory never stops in.”

  “I’m sure Beth visits a lot of people.” She tried to keep the displeasure from her tone.

  “Yeah, but Rory’s usually close behind. Those two are a lesbian matched set. And Rory’s all about building community. Does she know you’re gay?”

  “She does,” Kelly admitted. “But we have differing opinions about what being gay means for our sense of self.”

  “No kidding. But still, you’re so close with Beth.”

  “I’m not.” Kelly snapped.

  Elliot raised her eyebrows.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just … weren’t we talking about how you’re not a fighter?”

  “Yeah, I guess,” Elliot said slowly, then stared back at the ceiling. “I thought if I studied with Rory, I’d learn what I was made of, and if I did turn out t
o be deficient, maybe she could teach me to be better.”

  “And?”

  “And I watched her, I taught with her, I competed against her in every sport imaginable, but I still don’t know if I’m just some sad imitation with a bad case of hero worship.”

  Kelly would have rolled her eyes again at the thought of anyone worshiping Rory St. James, especially someone as genuinely amazing as Elliot, but she heard the doubt in her voice. Emotions like that couldn’t be laughed away. She’d done her share of pretending to be tougher than she felt, and she’d also lived under the threat of being exposed as less than everyone expected her to be. She lay down beside Elliot, and wrapped an arm around her.

  Elliot snuggled closer until her head rested on Kelly’s shoulder and one hand splayed across her stomach. “I froze in front of Mrs. Anthony.”

  “What?” Kelly asked.

  “She was the first person in my whole life to actually make me feel subhuman for being gay, and I froze.”

  “She’s a bitter old woman. Nothing you could’ve said would have made any difference.”

  “I didn’t need to make a difference with her. I needed to make a difference with me. I needed to know if I could go toe-to-toe with someone who advocated everything I opposed.”

  Kelly’s chest tightened. “You would have.”

  “I don’t know. I was in the middle of appeasing her when you broke in. God Kelly, you were so magnificent. I felt so worthless.”

  “Hey, you weren’t worthless. You did exactly the right thing.” She hugged Elliot tightly. “That was my fight. I should’ve fought it almost three years ago.”

  “What was almost three years ago?”

  “Doesn’t matter now. The point is, we all make the decisions we have to make in the moment we have to make them.”

  “I hope so, but I’m not so sure. What if I’m nothing but swagger and hot air? If I can’t handle a gray-haired old bigot, what chance do I stand of speaking truth to power in Washington, D.C.?”

  “When it’s really your moment, you’ll do what you need to do.”

  “What makes you so sure?”

  Kelly kissed the top of her head. “Because I’m older and wiser.”