Oh Great! I was Reincarnated as a Farmer

by Benjamin Kerei

  Congratulations, you have safely fast travelled to your destination.

  A second ago, I’d been sitting in Varla’s office accepting her offer to organise my trip, laughing at the fast travel mistranslation. Now, I was in the back of an empty wagon, stolen from the Skyrim intro, outside a log warehouse that was surrounded by a whole lot of small log houses that looked like they came from a pioneering film set. Woodsmoke and manure filled my every breath along with a fair amount of something sour, making the experience uniquely horrible.

  I grabbed my forehead and turned, trying to gain my bearings and limit my nausea and migraine. I spotted six more wagons in front of the one I occupied. They were all positioned at the edge of a large turning bay in front of the warehouse. The drivers were seated against the far warehouse wall sharing lunch, chatting, and making jokes.

  Opposite the warehouse, across the dirt road, were more of the little log houses. I heard metal being hammered beyond the dwellings and could see a line of black smoke above the rooves. There were more houses to my left and a palisade and gate to my right. I was in some sort of medieval village—and a small one, judging by the size of the palisade I could see above the buildings.

  What the hell was going on?

  The prompt flashed one more time then began to fade.

  Congratulations, you have safely fast travelled to your destination.

  I finally read the prompt.

  Oops.

  It may not have been a mistranslation.

  I blinked and checked my surroundings a second time. I was still in some random village.

  Oh, shit.

  The cat from the office leapt up onto the back of the wagon and casually jumped onto my lap, purring. I tensed as he steadied himself, remembering its snide, condescending attitude. He gazed up at me with wide, friendly eyes, before lifting his leg to put his little paw on my chest. He raised himself up and gently rubbed his face against my cheek, sliding warm soft fur against my skin.

  Was this a different cat? This one didn’t seem like an asshole.

  A whisper from a voice too deep for its size filled my ear.

  “Do not reply and give me away. These fools believe I am a cat and we need it to stay that way. Collect your baggage and follow me out of the village. We need to talk in private before you open your foolish mouth and ruin anything further than you already have, you absolute imbecile.”

  Okay, same cat.

  The cat stepped away and leapt off the back of the wagon. I gave myself a shake, which didn’t help my nausea, and realised I wasn’t wearing the robes Varla had given me. Instead, I wore a scratchy shirt and trousers that looked like they came from a Goodwill reject pile. I added the change of clothes to the long list of things confusing me as I climbed to my feet.

  It took a bit more effort to stand than I was used to. The previous owner of my body really should have eaten more salads or gone for a run once in a while. I was about fifty pounds heavier than I had ever been. I picked up the leather backpack, since it was the only item in the wagon with me, and threw it over my shoulder before climbing down.

  The cat waited in the middle of the gate twenty yards away. I started walking towards him, dazed by the situation. I hope he had some answers.

  The young guard sitting in the tower to the side of the gate looked down as I approached and snorted. “Not even here for five minutes and you’re leaving.” He chuckled at his own joke. “I don’t blame you, Arnold. It’s a smart decision.”

  I focused on the guard in the tower the way Varla taught me to less than an hour ago. Words appeared above his head.

  Guardsman Brill

  I read his class and name. While floating words had seemed kind of cool to start with, it was quickly losing its power to inspire wonder. What I was seeing was basically just a fancy name tag. I was used to wearing one at tournaments, having strangers knowing my name, so this was no different than that.

  The guard didn’t seem to care if I replied. I grunted a response and kept walking, trying to organise my feelings. I’d been in this world for less than three hours, and before I received the ring I hadn’t been able to communicate with anyone. First I was angry and confused, and then I was excited and confused, now I was just confused. Confused was good. Confused kept me distracted. It stopped me from being overwhelmed by the reality of my situation.

  Just beyond the gate were dozens of tiny log cabins, even less impressive than those inside the village. I could see thirty or so people working in vegetable fields, tending crops. Every one of them looked like they had seen better days. They wore clothes that were threadbare with signs of mending. Many of the youngest children didn’t even have those. Instead, they ran around clothed in sacks stamped with some sort of company name in a language that didn’t make sense.

  It was all just a bit too much. I dropped my gaze, shutting out the world around me, and followed the cat out the gate in search of answers.

  “Once again, it is left up to me to pull the poor human out of their ignorance,” the cat said, deep voice rumbling as it finally broke its silence. It looked at me and then flicked its tail disdainfully.

  We’d followed the outer wall around the village to the far side, where there were only a few dozen houses pressed up against the palisade and a flat grassy plain that stretched for miles before stopping at a forest. An old dirt road cut through the centre of it all, passing under the closed second gate in one direction and heading towards the distant forest in the other. The cat had scampered down it toward the forest without saying a word, taking us past burnt-out barns and houses until we were more than a mile from the village.

  He hadn’t answered any of my whispered questions or spoken until now, which was probably why my response wasn’t the politest. “What the hell happened to me, cat? Wait, first of all, where am I?”

  The cat glared at me. “I’m going to ignore the cat comment this time since you are clearly distressed, but do not test my patience. I am not your pet. I am not your cat. I am a familiar. And you are not my equal. Remember that.”

  “Ah, sorry, let me rephrase that. What the hell happened to me, familiar?”

  The familiar’s glare intensified. “You, oh ignorant one, decided to accept the archbishop’s offer to fast travel. This is the village of Blackwood, more than ten weeks’ travel from where we were.”

  I frowned. Ten weeks’ travel. I did ten weeks’ travel in the blink of an eye. Damn, that was kind of cool. My frown turned into a stupid grin.

  “So we like, teleported here?”

  In retrospect, I probably should have asked if the prompt was a mistranslation before accepting. But how the hell could I have known fast travel was real? It seemed too far-fetched to consider it anything more than a joke.

  “We…like…did nothing of the sort. For the past ten weeks, I have had to sit next your vacant gaze as we travelled to the far edge of the kingdom.”

  “Huh, we travelled here?”

  “Yes.”

  “I thought you said we fast travelled.”

  “I said you fast travelled.”

  The stupid grin fell away as quickly as it appeared. I blinked, trying to draw some form of logic from his statement that fit with my life experience. I didn’t find any. Our puzzle pieces didn’t match. “You’re confusing me.”

  The familiar chuckled, dropping the hostility. “You need to become used to that feeling now if you wish to save yourself from added distress.”

  “Just tell me what happened.”

  “Fine, I’ll explain,” he said, rolling his eyes. “From your perspective, no time passed between the moment you accepted the archbishop’s offer and the moment you arrived at your destination. She decided to give you an easier route, letting you ignore the discomforts of life—at the cost of it.”

  That sounded bad.

  “What do you mean, ‘at the cost of it’?”

  The familiar started to roll its eyes, but then sighed instead. “It took you ten weeks to get here. Those are te
n weeks you will never get back. In other words, you have utterly wasted ten weeks of your life. Ten weeks in which I could have been educating you. Now we are at the edge of nowhere, on the other side of the kingdom, and you are just as dangerously ignorant of how you will function here as you were when we departed.”

  I looked around, taking in the sad scattered details of abandoned farmhouses and barns, which were mostly burnt-out husks in the late stages of collapse. The fat herds of cattle and sheep roaming the plains were less sad, but even they were few and far between.

  I turned my gaze further afield, looking to the dense wild forest that was so overgrown you couldn’t see more than fifty feet into it. Beyond it to the north and south, past any sign of civilisation, lay a line of jagged hills slowly curving east. The hills went as far as I could see before disappearing over the horizon.

  The view was not to my taste. I definitely didn’t know how to function in this type of environment. This could be a problem. “Couldn’t we have gone somewhere less depressing and rustic?”

  The familiar nodded. “Certainly, and that was my plan, but like an utter fool you went and fell for the archbishop’s manipulation.”

  I blame the high level of disorientation for my slowness because the scope of what he said finally hit me. “Wait, stop. Are you saying Varla intentionally made me lose ten weeks of my life?”

  “Yes. Obviously you can’t do this to someone accidentally. Varla knew you wouldn’t know what fast travel was, so she made the offer. Having you fast travel allowed her to secretly whisk you away, establishing a clean escape through hidden passages without compromising the integrity of their security. It was done for our benefit as much as hers. And while I can understand the necessity, it means we must make up the time we lost.”

  I stared horrified. First I died, now this. “Are you really going to wave away the fact that Varla cost me ten weeks of my life?” I asked through gritted teeth, trying not to yell.

  He nodded. “Yes. There is no point arguing over the incident or throwing blame. You were ignorant of what fast travel entailed and she needed security. Her manipulation—while cruel—was necessary. And your idiocy for succumbing to that manipulation, thereby leaving me babysitting you for ten weeks is forgivable, because you were ignorant of what fast travel means.”

  His tone near the end contradicted his words. His tone suggested the forgiveness he claimed to feel towards me might not actually be forgiveness, but a mantra he repeatedly told himself. A mantra that basically said that no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t hold my ignorance against me. But he really wanted to. So much so that he couldn’t hide his feelings.

  Note to self: for a healthy relationship with the cat, never admit that I might have known what fast travel was before I accepted. Even if, it was only an inkling. “Couldn’t you have done something?” My new question held less anger than the last.

  He shook his head. “Once you agreed to fast travel, I had no control over your destination. As I said, you are dangerously ignorant of our world. That is why I intend to lock you away in the inn and fix this. To do even that, I must give you enough knowledge to answer questions even an ignorant incarnate would know.”

  “Like the name of this village.”

  “Exactly. Now, before you enact some other foolish action which leaves you comatose for the rest of your days, let us have a frank discussion on what you do and do not know.”

  The cat’s condescending tone was seriously annoying me. “I’m not an idiot.”

  He sighed and somehow managed to facepalm with a paw. “Perhaps not, but you are ignorant to a dangerous degree. Our first priority while we are here is to remain inconspicuous. You must not draw attention to us. My enemies could kill you with a wave of their hand if they find you before they are dealt with.”

  “Fine, what do I need to know to stay safe?”

  “For now, it is easier if you let me ask the questions. What was your level of education where you came from? Please tell me you could at least read and write.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes, I can read and write.”

  “You mean, you could read and write. The only reason we can converse is because of the ring you wear. Our languages are not the same, and that ring does not apply to written text outside of the prompts you receive.”

  Shit. I hadn’t thought about that…but then again, it’s not like I’d had a lot of time to consider any of these issues. I was being constantly bombarded by new revelations. “Okay, fair enough, I could read and write. I could do mathematics…which I’m guessing might be a bit different here too.”

  “Let me simplify the question. How many years have you studied for?”

  I could answer that. “Between the ages of five and eighteen.”

  “So thirteen years, during your developmental period. You would barely be a novice if you were a wizard child, but as a farmer, you are quite educated. That is good because you are going to have to study our world if you want to succeed.”

  I blinked, looking around at the medieval setting I’d found myself in. “You know about developmental periods?”

  “Yes, as Varla said, you are not unique as an incarnate. We have several appear each year in our kingdom alone. If you have any area of expertise from your world that you can pass onto ours, you could find yourself becoming a very wealthy man. But before we talk about that, we need to establish your cover.”

  “Okay. What do I call you if someone asks?”

  The familiar froze like a cat who had been spooked. After a few seconds, it gave itself a shake and took a slow breath. “I had an alias with Varla, but she chose not to tell you so you would not accidentally give me away. You must choose a new one.”

  “Why can’t you just tell me your name?”

  “I am a familiar,” he said slowly. “We cannot share our name, even a false name. It is part of our nature. You will have to choose for me…but if you dare call me Soot or Mittens, I will kill you in your sleep.”

  I didn’t even have to think about it. He was a sassy, angry, talking black cat that belonged to a wizard. “I’ll call you Salem.”

  Salem tilted his head to the side in thought before nodding. “That sounds acceptable, but why that name?”

  “It’s what you remind me of. Salem is the name of a warlock from a show I watched with my sister as a kid. He was turned into a black cat for five hundred years as punishment.”

  Salem chuckled. “Yes, your presence certainly is a punishment. I like the comparison. Now that that is sorted, there are a few simple things you must know before we return and secure a room at the local inn. As I said, this village is called Blackwood. It is the north-easternmost village in the kingdom. That forest in front of us is The Wild Woods. Three years ago, an army of goblins stormed out of it and invaded the village, killing most of the villagers. Those that survived and still remain are too poor to leave. Blackwood has few villagers and little trade. There is almost no chance of us being discovered here if we are careful. Now, I developed a backstory for you that is quite simple to follow. If anyone asks you where you were incarnated, tell them it was in Welk, in the Brotherless Monastery.”

  “Why there?”

  “The monastery is a sanctuary. They do not say who is or has ever been inside their walls. However, they keep the law as well as any other temple.”

  “Welk, Brotherless Monastery. Got it. What else?”

  “You have been there for three years learning about our world which is the longest you can take sanctuary there. You haven’t acclimated well to being incarnate. So when it came time for you to leave, you decided to go somewhere that was remote and sparsely populated to ease yourself into life outside.”

  “Okay, that’s pretty simple as far as a backstory goes.”

  “It was what I thought you could handle in a short space of time. The 1,000 silver pieces is at the bottom of your backpack. There is a smaller, less conspicuous purse near the top. Use that to pay the bill in the inn. Do not pull out the
larger purse where others can see, or freely offer up the information that you are incarnate. We do not need that sort of attention. However, those with higher intelligence and class abilities will be able to see what you are regardless of whether or not you advertise. When they bring it up, do not deny it.”

  I pulled my backpack off and started riffling through it. “Do I have anything else besides this pack?”

  “No.”

  I found the small purse under some dirty changes of clothes, and opened it, looking inside. There were several dozen hexagonal silver coins and hundreds of copper. “What’s the conversion rate for currency?”

  “I was about to cover that. Fifty coppers pieces make a silver noble and there are hundred silver nobles to a gold crown. A bar of gold is equal to a hundred crowns.”

  I picked up a copper piece and experienced an indescribable sensation. “This feels weird.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It doesn’t feel like I’m holding copper. But it also does feel like copper. No, that’s not right. It feels like it has the potential to be copper.” I dropped the coin back in the purse and wiped my hand on my trousers. “Something about that coin is wrong.”

  Salem sighed again. “Nothing about the coin is wrong. You are simply feeling its magical potential, like anyone can. If you pick up a silver noble you will notice that the feeling is stronger.”

  I picked up a silver noble. The feeling that the coin wasn’t a coin returned, and it was stronger this time, just like he said. I dropped it back into the purse. “Why do you have weird feeling coins?”

  “Do you need me to explain how our economy works right this minute or can you wait until we have a room in the inn?”

  “Just tell me why they are weird.”