Paper or Plastic

by Mackey Chandler

  Donny could hear his spiel, even though the curtains muffled it and the speakers were pointed the other way. What he couldn't hear, memory supplied. He could also hear at least one drunk giving him a hard time. He was having a hard time thinking of anything witty so he was probably drunk clear from last night, instead of working on a fresh drunk this morning. Bernie managed to make a couple cracks, that had the audience laughing at the drunk and was skillful enough he heard the fellow's deep voice, join in a laugh at himself. If he had to deal with him too, at least he wasn't a mean drunk.

  He didn't peek out, he just started walking out when he knew Bernie was wrapping it up. He was out of the curtains and half way to the mic when Bernie finished up and had his hand up directing the audience's attention to him, without even looking back to confirm his arrival. He faded back between the curtains and would be off to intro some other room.

  Donny grabbed the old-fashioned mike on a stand and tipped it a bit away from him. He was used to using it as a prop and did things with it the audience wasn't even aware of at a conscious level. Right now, he balanced against the weight of it to exaggerate how relaxed he felt. Once long ago that had purely been an act. The early years he'd often been terrified at a full house the first few minutes, until he got into his material. Now he was honestly comfortable, full house, or the light afternoon crowd he faced now.

  He opened with a joke, that had been old when he'd sat on the floor and watched Bob Hope use it on his parents new black and white TV. He wouldn't have been surprised if he'd gotten a groan of recognition, but instead he got a table up front in the center where there was an honest bellow of appreciative laughter. It shocked him so badly he almost stumbled, but instead he chanced another joke, taking his time with it before going to a song and watched the table carefully.

  There were five customers at the table, an older couple, a younger couple and a single older lady. They looked to be a married couple, with one set of parents and a widowed mother. Yes, when he looked the younger woman and the single older lady had a family resemblance. The five had a table to themselves, but the table to each side had a single man with expensive specs seated at it, turned to watch them and each other's back. Another man that might be theirs was seated way to the back of the room, overlooking it all. They had the look of high-powered security that was not uncommon around the stars and high-rollers.

  The younger man was winding down, but he'd laughed so heartily he was tapping himself on his breastbone with his fist. The sound was so infectious that even their security was smiling and there was a wave of echoing chuckles that swept around the room.

  But their party didn't look like it belonged in Vegas. They didn't even look fit for touring the hellhole Branson, in a church bus. The one man had on a jacket that might charitably be called cranberry, but it looked more like a cow had bled out on it and it had lapels so stiff they must have fiberboard inserts. The women… the women were even worse, which was not typical. Usually the women had some sort of fashion sense and they cleaned up their men the best they could and made do with the results.

  Donny had joked about the fashion police all his life, but here was incontrovertible proof they were fiction, or they'd be dragging this crew up the aisle to a paddy wagon. It would be so easy to crack a couple nasty jokes about their attire and it would probably go right over their heads. But the fact he was struggling not to be an object of humor himself tempered his cruel thought. Also their heavy-duty security told him there was something going on here he didn't understand.

  He sang a recent number and got a solid round of applause out of the table that shamed the rest of the room into going along with it. The second number was Danke Schoen and by the time he finished the ladies were dabbing at their eyes and the younger man was blubbering with his lower lip quivering. He had to admit their appreciation brought out the best in him.

  When he left the stage to Bernie, he had a spring in his step that hadn't been there in awhile. In the dressing room he hung his outfit and pulled his street pants on. He didn't like to sit in his stage pants. He was cleaning his face, when the security fellow who had stayed in the rear of the room came in with a bouquet of roses. They had gotten terribly expensive and these probably cost as much as he made today. In fact he examined the man's face carefully to make sure it wasn't an elaborate joke.

  "My patrons send their regards and wonder if you could spare a moment with them?"

  "I'd be glad to, but what the hell is going on? I know I'm not an 'A' act anymore and these people are acting like I'm Elvis resurrected. It's great, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."

  The bodyguard smiled. "Let me give you the short version, because they are waiting in the hall and then I'll explain after. You follow the news? You are aware there are a number of alien worlds in contact now with Earth? Well this family is some of their travelers – tourists."

  "Yes, but I thought they were doing everything through Israel. Last I read, all our people were upset because Israel lifted some humongous big-assed space ship into orbit, that nobody else could begin to build."

  "You got that straight, but they are interested in seeing more of the world than just Israel. Just make nice-nice with them a few minutes and my buddy will take them up to the lunch buffet. They like to get up late and are shifted to a later schedule."

  "OK," Donny agreed, "If they don't mind coming into the common room." There was another performer leaning back reading a print paper, but he was decent. It just embarrassed him not to have a private room to receive them.

  They filed in all timid, leaving the other two guards at the door and gathered in a semi-circle around his dressing room chair. Only the single woman made any attempt to use makeup, he saw with them close. He thanked them for the flowers and asked if they wanted refreshment, wanting to bite his tongue after, when he realized he'd have to pay for it.

  "No, no, we had champagne at our table and now we go to the buffet," the older man said with an odd accent, Greek or maybe Macedonian, Donny's ear told him. "Our escorts pulled the translation of your song off the computer, so we'd understand it. That is such a powerful device to have so many languages. You can pick or even mix, the one that expresses the song best. We want to thank you and shake your hand." He offered his hand awkwardly high, but Donny pulled it down and shook it firmly. The other man he did the same, but accepted the ladies hands by the fingers rather than a full grip and he could tell they liked the gentle touch.

  The older single lady was observant enough she offered her hand with the palm down and fingers bent. He scooped them in his hand and bent to brush her knuckles with his lips. She blushed like a schoolgirl, which pleased him immensely. They were of the same age and with a little help with her wardrobe and makeup, she would be a very attractive woman.

  When they retreated to the door the other security men ushered them out and Donny gave a childish little wave wiggling his fingers they all imitated.

  "Thank you," the security man said with a sigh. He sat in the next chair.

  "Are they that, uh, enthusiastic with everyone?"

  "We just got in town very late last night, so they haven't seen the evening shows. But yes, they are like a bunch of kids going to the street fair for the first time. You should have seen the old boy on the way in, when he stopped and fed the one armed bandit. He was just manic. They still clap their hands, which was something they had to learn, when a performance finishes on TV. I think they just enjoy doing it. Here, they are tipping everyone in sight and I was told to tip you." He peeled ten bills off a wad of hundred-dollar notes, as big around as a softball and handed it to Donny casually.

  "On their world, it's not polite to show you can afford anything others can't, so they are making up for several generations of pent up demand. The older man who spoke to you, is administrator of a continent as big and rich as North America. But there is nothing at all like Las Vegas on any of their planets. They are like the very worst of the Greens and there is almost no art, or music, or de
coration in their culture. They even sit and cry over a good meal. It starts to wear you down quickly riding herd on them. Everything freaks them out."

  "I'm surprised they look so… normal."

  "You and every preacher and scientist on Earth. They are falling all over themselves trying to decide who is offended more, the creationists or the evolutionists. If it was just a few of them, they'd probably agree for once between themselves to quietly off them and sweep the whole thing under the rug."

  "I understand there are at least fifty worlds out there with men worth visiting. When the preachers or scientists either one, insist to them that life and man originated here, they have the infuriating habit of nodding and agreeing anything is possible and then they smile at them like a six-year-old, who is cute in his ignorance."

  "Well, there they are. It kind of speaks for itself. Why argue with them?"

  "Ah, Donny, so very few people are that reasonable. You'd be shocked how rare it is. Thanks for not trying to attach yourself to them," he said getting up. "We're having trouble with people wanting to form a posse, especially the way they've been tipping. I better get some of that buffet, before they're done."

  "One last question please," Donny begged. "Is there transport to these planets?" Donny could picture himself facing an audience all like the alien family every day, with ease. In fact it sounded very attractive. He was scared spitless to get on a plane, but the satellites that went around and around, stayed up there without any kind of a motor keeping them there didn't they? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, once you got high enough.

  "The company in Israel I work for has three partners - two Earth men and a Trishan woman. For right now we are the only non-military group recruiting off planet. To give you an idea - the family we are escorting all have special interstellar Israeli passports. They are just starting to visit Europe and the US. The one guard is State Department and the other guy riding herd on them with me, is an Israeli attaché from their embassy."

  Donny snorted through his nose and interrupted. "Special Forces or a spook you mean and you have to have a lot more security for such big VIPs than just you three."

  "That could easily be," he acknowledged. "Of course we have resources standing by, but we don't talk about those without need. Here," he offered a business card. "I haven't given many of these out. I'm supposed to give them to security people who impress me. Obviously, I can't speak to recommend somebody outside the security field, so it's just contact information. It's up to you to present yourself if you want, but I wish you luck," he said with a smile and hurried out.

  Donny held the card away a bit; he'd been getting far-sighted lately. ‘The Three’ it said – ‘Off Earth Enterprises – technologies, biologicals and business opportunities.’ The street and com addresses were in Tel Aviv, with offices in Naples, Bern, London and Amsterdam. Then it cleared and showed three head-and-shoulder portraits with their names beneath them before it returned to the text.

  Donny smiled. He had one thing going for him the guard might not have suspected. His stage name was Donny, but his legal name was Dotan Goldberg and he could picture just about what block, the address on the card had to be. He'd driven it with his father many times. He also considered it carefully and decided his agent didn't have any basis or ability to represent him off Earth. She had been so indifferent to him lately, that he would be happy to terminate the relationship anyway.

  * * *

  Getting the job had been the easy part. The woman Martee had been impressed with his act. They were recruiting for a sort of coffee-house / theater. He even retained some name recognition with her Earthman partners and if they thought his career was past peak, they kindly never said so in the negotiations.

  The government might have stopped him, if they'd known his ultimate destination. The US was still peeved over the sudden Israeli dominance of space. And they seemed determined to cut off their nose to spite their face, on many space issues. But he'd simply declared Israel as his destination and he had no idea if they knew he'd go beyond.

  The biggest hassle had been a customs official, who had balked at allowing him to bring all his stage clothes into Israel, when he didn't have a work permit. It had taken a call to his new employers before they released his things. He was very glad he had enough funds, not to have to beg an advance for his travel to the Israel. The whole process thankfully left him some dignity.

  Climbing into the spaceship and buckling in his seat had been terrifying. He'd finally accepted a stiff drink and resigned himself to death and flaming destruction. Then the lift off was an anticlimax, floating away easily, until they lifted with more authority, but never the loud and frightening ride that he expected. Even before he sobered he felt silly.

  * * *

  The crowd was a little unruly by Earth standards. They often made fairly loud exclamations over the food, that would have upset a different act. In fact it was not uncommon to see someone overwhelmed at the unaccustomed rich extravagance of a dessert and simply cover their face with their hands and cry. Their attempts at fashion were still pathetic, but had come along visibly in the last year. There was a sign in the lobby this morning announcing Singh Brothers, Hong Kong Tailors, were taking measurements in suite 228, so maybe there was hope on that front.

  The band on the stage was a rather loud garage band and what they lacked in skill they made up in enthusiasm. The Three seemed to be a full employment program for every 'B' act on Earth, for which Donny was grateful. Donny knew from speaking with the young men in the band, that they were happy to have an audience that didn't throw their empty beer bottles at the stage. Here, the charge for breaking an Earth beer bottle, inhibited anyone from tossing them casually. Admittedly, a few natives just didn't get what the fuss was about. They didn't come back.

  Donny was sitting on the high side of the room, looking down on the main dining floor and even higher than the stage on the far side. The premium bar was on this level and the menu was different on this level too. An empty table nearby was reserved for The Three, whether they were on planet or no. They were busy building clubs on two more planets. The floor below had a public entry, but this section was attached through the Holiday Inn and an elevator down from the private air car pad on the hotel. The complex was the first of several bright Earth buildings, towering above the local architecture, that looked disturbingly Soviet-era – Eastern European.

  As one of the main shows, he had came down from his suite for a comped dinner. Most of the menu was built from local food, but relied heavily on Earth spices and even heavier on Earth techniques. Habañero peppers were an example of Earth items that had no peer.

  The Trishans still had their noses bent out of joint, refusing to acknowledge that their boycott and embargo of Earth was a lost cause. But most of the other worlds, except a few who welcomed no outsiders, were happy with the influx of Earthmen and Earth business. This world of Trebbin he was on, had been colonized thousands of years ago. But the Green politics of the Trishans had kept the population low and bottled up in the six main cities scattered around the temperate zone, that straddled the equator on this planet.

  It had taken an Earthman arriving, to look out from this capitol city at the mountains in the distance and immediately start arranging for a road and ski resort on the distant white slopes. The oceans of this world linked all the way around and there was talk in the company of building a cruise ship too. He imagined that would require entertainers and he might take a tour given the chance.

  Now Trishans were visiting here, to avoid the silly boycott of Earth culture at home. It was still cheaper to get a taste of Earth at the resort, than visiting Earth itself, so this world was becoming a tourist destination. Not all, but many of these projects were by The Three, for whom he worked, enough of them that they could afford to be very generous with their people. He had elected to be paid both in local currency and in contracts for local land and native timber. He should be comfortable in a few years locally, or fabulously rich if he wanted
to return to Earth. After only six months, returning to Earth seemed less and less likely.

  Later he would be going on stage, when the dinner crowd had quieted down and they were mostly serving drinks. When the music got softer for his act, he'd noticed the crowd controlled its own. They were here to listen to the music and had paid a hefty fee by local standards to enjoy it. Anyone making a fuss, found themselves in the center of a circle of stares that shut them up quickly. Not that there weren't usually a few weeping at the intensity of the Earth music. That the crowd forgave.

  The crowd was much better mannered than it had been two years ago, when they opened. They understood better when to applaud and what was appropriate. The tipping had been a difficult concept for a world with little personal service. But he understood it was even spreading to native institutions, which the lower classes of native society appreciated.

  He worried briefly if the novelty would remain long enough to carry him to retirement. Then he realized, if it didn't here, there were smaller cities and even other worlds being opened by The Three. Flying no longer held the terror it had. Donny leaned back and dismissed the negative thought. He sipped a brandy while they cleared his dinner service and marveled how smart he'd been to grab this opportunity before others. His life had been steadily going downhill and now, from his old Earthly perspective, it was out of this world.

  Chapter 36

  Three old friends, shared the owner's table, up on the Admiral's Club level, beside the premium bar. They had an excellent view of the tables on the lower floor, looking down with a good view of the stage.

  They dressed to set an example for the crowd below, including the huge yellow diamond at Martee's throat, she wore tonight for nostalgia. The advancing rejuv available, made them all look better than when they had first met each other. Josh walked now without a limp and the scars on Roger's back were a memory.