Off Balance

by Aileen Erin

  I was twenty years old and had my first stupid crush. That was all this was.

  If I was honest with myself, this whole falling-to-the-ground thing seemed scary at first, but after watching him and the guards do it a bunch, I wanted to try. I wanted to know if I could do it. To know which side of the line I fell on: Aunare or Earther?

  Letting go would be easier than climbing down, but that didn’t mean I could convince my hands to release their grip.

  “I know that you’ve spent the last thirteen years surviving, but if you keep living like that, you’ll burn out. You’ll make a mistake. You’ll end up dying one way or another. Please. Let me help you.”

  I wanted to say he was wrong. I’d lasted this long, and I’d keep surviving. But what was the point of life if I wasn’t living it? If I never had any joy?

  War was coming, and I knew I’d either leave with Declan to fight on Earth, or stay with Lorne and lead the Aunare. The pressure to figure it out felt like a physical weight on my soul. I needed to find a way to fit in some fun.

  I didn’t see how that was possible, but I wanted to try.

  Starting now.

  Chapter Three

  AMIHANNA

  I held on to the grip of the climbing wall and stared at Lorne. I tried not to read into the color of his eyes too much, but it was everything.

  My mother and I had stayed in so many apartments while we were in hiding on Earth. Every time we landed somewhere new, I looked for paint the exact same aquamarine color of his eyes. I never felt safe until my walls were painted. It was as if I’d been putting him in every room I’d ever lived in, and I hadn’t known I was doing it.

  I was afraid of the depth of emotions I felt when I looked at him, and it never got easier. They never seemed to level off. It was like I couldn’t catch my breath around him, and I needed that.

  But he was my safe place, even if I’d been pushing him away.

  “If I let go, you promise you’ll catch me?” I asked him.

  “I promise.” Lorne didn’t smile or laugh. He said it seriously. Honestly. And I believed him.

  “Okay.”

  He let go, falling to the floor. “Come on. I’m ready for you.” He held up his arms.

  Shit. This was dumb. I counted to three, and then I relaxed my fingers and fell back.

  I couldn’t help the shriek that slipped free, but then I was cradled in Lorne’s arms. He leaned to the side, and my feet hit the ground.

  “Okay?” he asked softly.

  “Yeah.” My heart was still racing, but I was more than okay.

  “Let’s try this another way.” He turned to his guards and said something quickly.

  They both nodded at him.

  “A lot of Aunare training is done in small groups, easing into the difficulty of the move as we flow together. It’s more fun that way, and you’ll get an easier feel for the rhythm in the exercise. Roan will put on some music for you, which will also help you forget the danger and try for fun instead.”

  “On it,” Roan said.

  Lorne walked up to the wall. “First time. You reach this grip here, backflip to the ground.”

  “That’s easy. It’s the forty feet up I was having issues with.”

  “Which is why we’re not starting at the top.” He shot a look at Declan. It was the first time I noticed that he was angry. He’d seemed fine when he was hanging up there with me.

  Declan stepped away from the back wall, where he’d been leaning. “She’s done it before. A ton. If she’d just let go, she would’ve remembered how to do it.”

  “And if she didn’t?”

  “She’s strong. She’d have figured it out.”

  Lorne turned his back on Declan.

  “Look he was just—”

  “Don’t defend him. Not to me. He’s never taught a single person to do this. He doesn’t know how. I should be the one teaching you. I—” He closed his eyes, and he started breathing slowly. Count of six in. Three out. Three in.

  When he was calmer, he opened his eyes. “I don’t like the way he’s pushing you.”

  “I’m fine.”

  He tilted his head just slightly and narrowed his gaze, and somehow I knew he was calling me on my massive lie.

  Lorne knew all about my nightmares. He was the only one who knew.

  I turned to the wall. “You think this will calm my mind.” I could use a little calm. Especially at night.

  “It does for me. So, yes. I think it will work for you, too. We’re mostly the same, except when we’re different.”

  A surprised laugh slipped free. “That’s like saying nothing at all.”

  “And yet I’m saying everything.” He blew out a breath. “This is the most you’ve talked to me in weeks, and you’re letting me teach you something. So, I’m calling today a good day. A great day. I won’t even let Declan bother me right now.” Before I could say anything about that, he nodded to Roan.

  The baseline to one of my favorite songs started, and I looked at him.

  Roan whistled and waved his arms in the air. “The not-fired best friend who you love has your back.”

  “Sure. Whatever you say, Roan.”

  Lorne knocked on the wall to get my attention. “This one first.” He pointed to a grip about ten feet from the floor, at the top of the blue section. “Flip and down. The next time, you’ll go halfway into the green section. Then to the top of the green. Then mid-yellow. Top of yellow. Baby steps. By the tenth round, muscle memory will come into play, and eventually, you’ll be at the top. Declan’s right about that much. You’ve done this before. You’ll remember.”

  I looked at the wall so that I wouldn’t have to look at him anymore. “You make that sound easy.”

  “That’s because it will be. We’re going to do it together.”

  “What if I fall?” I didn’t look this time, but I felt him next to me.

  “You won’t fall, but if you do, I’ll catch you. I’ll be watching. Promise.”

  “Okay.” For whatever reason, I trusted him more than I did Declan. Probably because Declan was starting to get on my nerves. Today—having me climb up and then telling me to drop down—wasn’t an exception. He expected a lot from me every day.

  Without sleep or even a real break, I felt more and more wiped out. I trusted him less and less. I wasn’t sure if it was my exhaustion or the way he insisted I had to help him take down SpaceTech every five minutes or if maybe my nightmares were pushing me to see Lorne’s side of things.

  Why hadn’t Declan taken me home as soon as he found me? Why did he leave me in jail? Why did he let them send me to Abaddon?

  Why hadn’t Declan told Lorne or my father where I was before he went into cryo for weeks?

  He’d knowingly left me in the hands of his brother with no lifeline.

  I knew his answers and understood his reasoning, and in the moment, I agreed with him. But the more time I had to think about it, the more I questioned everything.

  We never talked about it. Instead, all that uncertainty was brewing under the surface, and I wasn’t sure what I’d do or say to him if I finally broke.

  Lorne came to stand next to me. “I know you won’t get hurt. For the same reason, Declan thought he could have you climb to the top and start from there. Except I’m right, and he’s wrong.”

  “Arrogant much?”

  “It’s only arrogant if I’m wrong, but I won’t be even the slightest bit. You’re going to love this.”

  “Because the old me did?” If that was his only reason, then I wasn’t so sure. The version of me in the video seemed to be having a blast, but I didn’t know her. “I’m not the same girl. Not anymore.”

  “No. You’re more than her, but deep down, you’re still you. So, I know you’re going to love it.”

  He turned to his guards on his other side and said a few quick words. Then, all three of them turned to the wall.

  “Ready?”

  I faced the wall. “Screw it. Let’s do this.”
/>
  Lorne laughed. “That’s the spirit. Go!”

  I took off running at the wall with every bit I had in me, ran up it two paces before leaping for the first hold. I gripped it before pushing away from the wall, flipping backward.

  I spotted the ground, landed.

  “Again!” Lorne shouted as he landed beside me.

  I ran at the wall, up the wall two paces, leaped, grabbed, reached for the next grip, and the next, and then flipped.

  My feet had just touched the ground when Lorne shouted, “Again! Faster!”

  I went through the motions again. This time I moved up a full color level.

  Lorne was right. It was easier with the group because I had to keep up with them. They forced me to keep going when I might’ve stopped.

  “Again! Faster! Higher!”

  I did it again. Faster. Higher.

  And again.

  And again.

  And again.

  Over and over, until suddenly, I was at the top. Higher than the forty feet I’d been before. More like fifty. I only realized because the grips were black, and there were no more above me.

  I paused for a second and looked down.

  Somewhere in the middle of all of it, Lorne and his guards had stopped going up with me.

  “Need me to catch you?” he shouted up at me with a slightly teasing tone.

  He was right.

  Damn him. He was right.

  I loved this. It was fun and freeing, and I felt like I was flying. Like I was invincible. And while I was so focused on climbing and flipping and falling and finding the floor, I couldn’t think about anything else. There was nothing in my mind except for movement and breath, and my mind had calmed.

  This was officially my new favorite thing.

  “You okay?” Roan asked.

  “Yeah.” For the first time in weeks, that wasn’t a lie. “I got this.” I let go as I pushed away from the wall, flipping and spiraling until the ground closed in, and then I spotted the green square on the floor.

  It took a couple of seconds—probably less—to fall, but it felt like an eternity, and in that eternity, my mind was calm and cool.

  Cool and calm.

  I closed my eyes and released out a long breath, letting that feeling sink in a little more.

  “You love it.” Lorne’s statement oozed confidence from beside me.

  I opened my eyes and gave him a small smile. “You might not be all arrogance.”

  Lorne crossed his arms. “Because I’m right.”

  “You need me to boost your ego and say it?”

  “Yes.” He uncrossed his arms and stepped toward me. “The woman who has been avoiding me—despite my best efforts—finally took my advice on something, and frankly, I think my bruised ego could use a little boost.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Fine. You were right.” I spun to face the wall again. “I really do love this exercise.”

  “Good. I’m happy to have retaught this one to you. It was your favorite before.”

  “I’m really not her anymore.” I dropped my chin to my chest. “You have to let her go.”

  “I know you’re not her.”

  I turned to him then. Was he mocking me? Just being agreeable? “I’m not her,” I repeated, fiercely this time, hoping he’d let go of the past.

  He frowned. “I know. I’m agreeing with you. You’re older, wiser, stronger, tougher, better in every way.”

  “Stronger? Maybe. Better? No way.” He was crazy if he thought this broken version of me was improved from before.

  He came closer to me. “Every night, I watch you shatter a little, but you put yourself back together every morning,” he whispered. “You patch it up so that not even your best friend sees. That takes strength. The thing to remember is, you were taken from me a long time ago, and I’m not letting that happen again. I know you’re afraid of what you feel, but I’m not letting you go, Amihanna.”

  The way he said my name calmed my soul, and I wasn’t sure I trusted it. I wasn’t sure I believed his words either. Because I didn’t feel strong. Everyone—my father especially—seemed to want me to become who I used to be. To forget what I’d gone through and just be Amihanna again, but I couldn’t. I didn’t remember her. My memory of the Aunare and my life before Liberation Week was gone, and I didn’t think it was ever coming back.

  I was only me. The me I was today. Right now. I could only give them that, and it seemed I was a constant disappointment to them because of it.

  Except for Lorne. He never made me feel like a failure. He always seemed just happy that I was here.

  My eyes started to burn, and damn it—this was going to be embarrassing. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. I hope you had fun.”

  “I did. I really did.”

  He reached a hand to me—like he was going to hug me—but then he dropped his hand and gave me a silent nod instead. Without a word, he walked to where he left his shirt and tugged it back over his head. He spoke quietly to his guards while he picked up his shoes.

  And then he walked to the door.

  Was he leaving? Now? After that?

  The door slammed shut behind him, and it had a finality to it that made my heart ache.

  “You ready to go again?” Declan asked.

  I turned to look at Ahiga and Roan. I saw them both straighten at whatever they saw on my face.

  Roan stepped forward and threw his arm around my shoulders. “Nah, man. She needs to help me get ready. We got company coming tonight, and I need her opinion on what to wear. I have a good feeling I’m going to meet a nice Aunare girl.”

  I laughed, but it was a cracked and broken sound. “Sure you will.”

  “Never doubt my ability to flirt. Nine out of ten women say I have an amazing ass.”

  “No.” I leaned my head on his shoulder. “They say you are an ass.”

  Roan squeezed me. “You gotta get those ears checked. Let’s get out of here.”

  “All right.” Declan’s voice was tight. I knew that meant he wanted to keep going, but I didn’t have it in me.

  I gave him a look that I hoped told him I was done for the afternoon. To please not ask for more from me. Not right now.

  “Tomorrow, we start early,” he said finally. “Six hundred we’ll start history and wartime strategies. We’ll break at—”

  “Give it a rest, Dec,” Ahiga said. “We’ll all need to sleep after the party tonight. Early morning’s a no go. Meet up, maybe at ten hundred. Earliest.”

  “Fine.” Declan didn’t look happy, but I waved at him.

  I’d show up whenever I was ready. “Later.”

  When we got to the hall, Roan leaned closer to me as we walked. “Are you okay?”

  “Maybe. No. I don’t know why Lorne leaving got to me.”

  “Because you like him.” Roan sang the last two words, and I gave him a solid elbow in the stomach.

  Roan shoved me away. “See. I’m right. You like him.”

  I stopped walking for a second. “If I liked him, I wouldn’t have been pushing him away for weeks.” But it was true. I liked him. I was pretty sure I more than liked him.

  “You do like him. Do you know how I know that? Because you’ve been pushing him away for weeks! Trust me. If you’d asked him to stay, that man would’ve fallen to his knees to thank you. He would’ve wept with joy.”

  I huffed and started down the hall again. “You’re ridiculous.”

  “Not about this. But you always tell him to go. The only thing different is he left before you kicked him out. A man’s got to save his pride a little whenever he can.”

  “I don’t know if I want him.” He was going to be king, and that was more than I could handle right now.

  Roan coughed out a word that sounded close to “liar.”

  I rolled my eyes and thought. Maybe Roan had a point. “I didn’t know how much I wanted him to stay until he walked away.”

  “Is the whole playing hard to get thing really wor
king for him?”

  I covered my face with my hands. Was I that easy? “I guess maybe it’s working.” Lorne made me so confused. I was attracted to him, but more than that, I felt safe and comfortable around him. Maybe even more comfortable than I was with Roan. Which was saying a lot. But Lorne came with so many strings.

  In some ways, it was easier with Declan. We were both outsiders that felt a little broken. Him, by his evil family. Me, by what his evil family had done to me. I understood Declan and his motives. He wanted to stop a war with SpaceTech and help Earthers, and he thought I could help with that.

  I didn’t get Lorne. I knew we were betrothed, but he hadn’t mentioned anything about it. He hadn’t pushed me at all. He somehow knew enough to show up when I was at my lowest to help me, and then he left when I told him to go. The reporters on the news all loved to speculate about when he would take the throne. I knew some of that had to do with me and how I’d just turned twenty, but he never brought it up.

  He needed a queen. A relationship with Lorne didn’t come with strings. It came with a noose.

  Why hadn’t he asked me about being queen? What did he want? To end the betrothal? That seemed like the smartest thing to do since I was pretty sure I had no interest in being queen.

  But the idea of him missing from my life physically hurt me.

  “So, what are you going to do about him?” Roan asked.

  “Nothing.” I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I’d gone from survival mode to existing mode. I just needed time to breathe before I dealt with anything else. Including Lorne.

  “Am. Please. You’re killing me here.”

  “I’m a mess.” I busied myself with redoing my ponytail to avoid looking at Roan while we walked. “I need to get my shit together. He doesn’t need to deal with that.”

  “Your shit is fine.” He jumped in front of me and grabbed my hands to stop my fidgeting. “You’re plenty together.”

  I looked at him and knew he was being one hundred percent honest with me, but he was wrong. I wasn’t together at all, but I was letting him think that I was.

  I was ignoring my mother and father so that they could think that, too.

  I was lying to everyone. I told them that I was fine, and I thought that if I kept pushing forward, then eventually, I’d get to a place where maybe that would become true. But it wasn’t true yet.