Pieces of Me

by Jacquie Underdown

  I nodded, remembering her bucket list. Of course, this was one of her items. ‘Quite the opposite.’ I wrinkled my face and stared at the floor for a moment. Seemed the safest place to look. ‘Sorry. That just got … awkward. I should not be talking about your … I’m just gonna shut up.’

  She laughed.

  ‘Um … so I’m going to go have that surf I was talking about. And I’ll leave you to grab your hamburger.’

  She nodded, still grinning. ‘Sure.’

  But I didn’t want to go. I wanted to be with her. I ran a hand through my hair. ‘Um. Unless after you’ve finished eating you want to come join me. Test run Pinkie. Only if you’re feeling up to it of course.’

  ‘I’d like that. You don’t have to wait for me. You can meet me down there if you like.’

  I shrugged. ‘Or, I could keep you company while you eat, then I’ll run you and Penny up to the house to grab your board.’

  She nodded. A smile stretching her lips. ‘That sounds great. Sure.’

  Chapter 27

  Hannah

  Hard to believe that I’d been on Mercy Island for nearly three weeks. I was enjoying my time off work, writing Gran’s book, easing in to the small town pace. But I couldn’t bludge around forever. One needed to earn a living. And besides, with Bear at the house every weekday working as hard as he did, it felt wrong to be flittering around for much longer.

  Bear had performed magic with my office over the last week. He’d cut out half the inbuilt cupboards and fit a desk into the spare space. He added shelves and drawers to the cupboard so I could hide away all my work necessities. He then made a new door for the cupboard and an entire wall of shelves for all my books. The walls were painted white, along with the new timber blinds. It looked fresh, clean, and, with the sand-coloured timber floor, beachy.

  My laptop and printer had been moved in. I had unpacked all my story books and added Gran’s books to the shelves too. Bright flowery prints, I bought from the small markets that were held yesterday along the esplanade, were hung on the two bare walls. The only extravagance was my brand new desk chair, covered with colourful stripes that brightened the room and tied with the pinks, blues and yellows in the prints.

  The room was all ready for tomorrow morning. My stomach sunk. I loved my job, but nothing beat time off. And nothing was worse than opening an email account after nearly one month’s leave.

  Bear knocked on my door at five o’clock, dressed in a pair of knee-length board shorts and a white tank. My attention strayed to his wide shoulders and arms, long and bulging with lean muscle. I loved his arms.

  ‘You ready?’ he asked.

  ‘Yep.’

  He grinned then, somewhat bashfully.

  I narrowed my eyes. ‘What are you up to?’

  ‘I thought we could skip our surf and head somewhere different.’

  I feigned shock by gasping and covering my mouth with my hand. ‘No surfing? This can’t be.’

  He laughed. ‘I want to show you a little place I know about.’

  I tilted my head to the side. ‘I’m intrigued. Where and what is this place?’

  ‘I used to go there when I was younger. A locals only secret.’

  ‘Seeing as I’m now a local, I guess you better show me.’

  Bear drove us along a steep dirt track road, boarded by banksias, eucalypts, and paperbarks that thickened the higher and deeper we went. The sun had already began its descent and was smothering one side of the landscape in grey shadows, the other in warm, golden light. We parked at a small clearing beside a steep embankment of brown, craggy rock.

  When I climbed out of the car, I could hear the rhythmic hum of the ocean, though couldn’t see it. I smiled, because I knew wherever Bear was taking me, it wouldn’t be too far from his deepest love—the sea.

  Why would he leave Mercy Island for Brisbane? Swap the ocean, his passion, for the city? I guess he had his reasons. And, I suppose, wanting to study to improve his station in life was admirable. Smart even. But I was never into that myself. I only ever wanted to follow my heart. Allister changed that, though. He steered me off course. And after my conversation with Bear about my passion for writing, I assumed he was like me. Him leaving felt dissonant to everything I thought he was.

  Despite being late afternoon, it was still hot. Heat radiated from the sand and rocks below my shoes and humidity coated my skin. This was something I was still trying to adjust to.

  ‘We’ve got a little climbing to do,’ said Bear, nodding in the direction of the embankment.

  ‘Up there?’

  He smiled. ‘There are stepping stones embedded in the slope, so it won’t be too hard.’

  Bear lead me off the track through the prickly grasses, trees and rocks. We stopped at the base of the incline. True to his word, unevenly spaced rocks stuck out from the slope and climbed all the way to the top like a staircase.

  ‘They won’t fall out from under my feet?’

  He shook his head. ‘Nope. They’re firmly stuck in there. But I’ll go first just to make sure.’

  I watched him climb all the way, gripping the stones with feet and hands like a ladder. His arm and back muscles flexed with each strong movement. The stairs took his weight without any trouble, so I was confident they’d handle mine. I made up after him, slow and careful steps. Near the peak, Bear reached over, took my hand and lifted me the rest of the way. When upright, he held me to him and placed his hand over my eyes to block the view. I stiffened—fear my first reaction. But I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this was Bear. Protective, caring Bear, and I trusted him.

  ‘What are you hiding?’ I asked.

  He chuckled as he spun me. When my footing was even, he took his hand away. I blinked, adjusting again to the light. Then I saw it. The view. My mouth parted on a rushed inhale. My gaze flickered all around until I had turned a full circle. Below me was the blue-green ocean and pale sandy beaches. I could see the sleepy town of Mercy Island, with its rusted tin roofs and rough roads, bordering the ocean. Thick, green bushland to the west extended all the way to the mountain ranges glowing florescent pink, orange and gold as the sun set behind them. Big fluffy clouds, full with bright colour from the sun, hung heavy in the sky above it all.

  ‘Unbelievable,’ I whispered.

  Bear smiled. ‘I’d forgotten how beautiful it is up here.’

  ‘I knew Mercy Island was amazing, but this gives a whole new perspective. Thank you so much for bringing me here. I would never have known …’ I looked at him, into his proud face. ‘Can we just sit here for a while? I don’t want to go back yet.’

  He nodded. ‘Sure.’

  We sat side by side on the rock, our legs crossed underneath us and peered out above it all.

  ‘From up here, away from reality, it’s easy for me to accept that I’ve made the right decision moving here,’ I said.

  ‘Definitely the right decision. Allister wouldn’t have stopped until he sucked all the life out of you.’

  I shuddered. Bear was right, literally and figuratively. The statistics weren’t in my favour when it came to domestic violence. Gran knew that. Serg knew that. But many people didn’t. I’d heard the snide comments and disbelief when yet another woman became a victim. ‘Why didn’t she leave him?’ ‘Silly bloody woman, who would put up with that?’ ‘She should’ve packed her bag and left the arsehole.’ I knew different. That it wasn’t so black and white. That leaving wasn’t an easy option, but the most difficult and dangerous one someone in my situation could make.

  I closed my eyes and bit back a tear. Thank you, Gran. Thank you so much. You’ve saved my life.

  A gentle hand on my back.

  I met Bear’s worried gaze. ‘Are you okay?’

  I smiled and nodded. ‘I’m thankful, Bear. And so very grateful. To Gran. To you. To Serg. I’m not sure you all realise how much you’ve helped me.’

  ‘I understand more than you think.’

  Bear wrapped his arm around my shoul
der and pulled me to him. He kissed my head. My heart didn’t flutter with fear. My body didn’t tense. There was no reason in the world to fear this man beside me. He wasn’t Allister. Not even close. He was a good friend.

  I looked up at him with a frown. ‘I’ll miss you when you leave.’

  He nodded and looked away. ‘I’ll miss you too.’

  Chapter 28

  Bear

  The warmth in my chest spoke of my brotherly pride. My little sister had worked her butt off over the last two years of school and had earned her place at university. It was a milestone in our lives. I’d gotten her through. She was now ready to move in her own direction. But buried beneath the pride was a deep ache. I felt it in every limb and every inhalation.

  As we sat across from each other at the dining table eating our breakfast, the black solemn cloud above our heads felt suffocating. The only way it would dissipate was for Bec to backflip and say she wasn’t going. But I knew, and she knew, that this was how life worked and the sorrow of saying goodbye was something that must be endured until time swept it away and filed it as experience.

  I’d barely slept last night. By the look of Bec’s bloodshot eyes, she hadn’t either. Until now, it didn’t quite feel real. As though this morning would never arise. I think if I was staying in Mercy Island, waiting for her when she returned in four years to welcome her home, it wouldn’t feel so final. But I was going in my own direction too. And we both knew this was it. The end of us.

  ‘What time’s Jenny coming to pick you up?’ I knew the answer, but I needed to fill the silence with something.

  ‘Eight-thirty.’

  I nodded.

  ‘This is exciting, hey?’

  She squeezed out a small smile. ‘A little. But mainly scary. And sad.’

  ‘Of course. It’s new and different and sometimes that’s scary. And sad.’

  She sighed and lowered her spoon to her bowl with a chink. ‘I know you hate it here, Bear, and you can’t wait to see the back of it—’

  I winced. ‘I don’t hate it, Bec.’

  ‘The way you speak, it seems like you do. And that’s okay. But I love it here. I love Mercy Island. I love the life I’ve had here. And it’s hard to leave.’ She looked away.

  My stomach twisted and my chest ached. ‘You can always come back here when your degree is finished. Can even start up your own little business in time.’

  She nodded. ‘Yeah. But four years is a long time. Will it be the same when I come home?’

  I shrugged. ‘That depends on you. Mercy Island will be what you make of it.’

  ‘Is that why you hate it? Because that’s how you make it?’

  Her question was like a big fist, punching a little too close to the truth. A truth I wasn’t ready to acknowledge because to do so would alter my trajectory. And I wasn’t about to do that because as things were now, I knew my destination: a holiday, four years of study, followed by a good paying job in the city. I was open to love, then children if that came along. A quiet, stable life. If I changed course now, I’d be lost.

  I shook my head, then shrugged. ‘I don’t know the answer to that. Perhaps it is.’

  A car horn sounded in the driveway. My heart thudded.

  Bec shifted her chair back and stood. ‘That’s Jenny.’

  I nodded. This was it. The end and the beginning. I stood and grabbed her bags from the hall. I walked her outside to Jenny’s car and placed her belongings in the boot. Not a word passed between us. Barely a look. When all the time had been eaten up and there was no more left, she peered up at me. Her eyes were glassy and red, cheeks damp. And if I allowed myself, I could believe she was still two years old, standing in her cot wanting me to lift her out and pull her into my arms.

  So that’s what I did. I held her tight to my chest and she sobbed. My throat was tight and achy, my heart breaking, but I couldn’t lose it now. I needed to be strong for her.

  ‘I’ll miss you,’ she said, words strangled with grief.

  ‘I’ll miss you too, but I know you’ll do so well up there. You’re smart and dedicated. Loveable.’

  She nodded against my chest and squeezed a little tighter. Tears were stuck in my throat. Hard to breathe. So damn hard to breathe.

  Bec pulled out of my embrace, took my hand, and looked me in the eyes. ‘You’ll be okay without me, won’t you, Bear?’

  I nodded, blinking fast. ‘Of course. Don’t you dare worry about me. I’ll be fine. You just concentrate on smashing that degree.’

  Her lips were trembling, but she managed a smile. ‘I love you.’

  ‘I love you too.’

  Her hand fell away from mine and she headed for the car. She climbed inside, her solemn blue gaze never leaving mine as the car backed down the driveway and they drove away.

  I took a shuddering breath inwards and moped back inside the house. I guess I did have one good memory about Mercy Island: Bec. And now she was gone too.

  Chapter 29

  Hannah

  Bear wasn’t wearing shoes. Perfectly fine. Neither was I, and I wouldn’t tomorrow while I worked either. Simple pleasures. But the reason I noticed his feet were bare as he stepped inside was because I couldn’t meet his eyes. Not after the dream I had last night. I woke this morning panting, my flesh misted with sweat, and had a deep, throbbing ache between my legs that nothing would slake. All day as I attempted to work, my body let me know loud and clear that it couldn’t tell the difference between delicious fantasy and dreary reality.

  I left the door open, the breeze too good to keep outside.

  ‘How did it all go?’ I asked as we strode towards the kitchen.

  He nodded, but he was frowning. ‘As well as it could. It broke my heart when she held me in her arms and sobbed.’ He stopped when his voice cracked. He breathed deeply. ‘It’s only ever been the two of us.’ My stomach sunk—I felt guilty for being wound up all day about a stupid, meaningless dream when he was going through this.

  I placed a hand on his forearm. ‘She’ll do just fine, Bear.’

  ‘Yeah. I know she will.’

  He’d been so distracted and glum during the week as the days counted down. He had the full day off today, but I knew how loud the mind could be against a silent backdrop. Especially when you weren’t used to being alone. So I asked him around for dinner. I was going to try my hand at homemade pizza.

  He was obviously very close to Rebecca. I didn’t have any sisters or brothers, so I didn’t know what sibling love was like. But I had seen it. And the bond between Bear and Rebecca appeared stronger than any I’d ever witnessed. Why?

  ‘Come in through to the kitchen. Did you want a drink?’

  ‘Ah, yeah. Just a Coke if you have one.’

  He took a seat at the dining table while I grabbed out a can and handed it to him. Penny barked through the back screen door.

  ‘I know you’re here, little lady. You don’t need to tell me,’ he said.

  ‘She’d make you think her throat was cut if you don’t go and pat her.’

  He laughed. ‘I know.’ He looked at her through the screen. ‘I’ll get to you soon, Penny. I’m just saying hello to your mum first.’ He opened his can and took a drink of Coke. ‘So how’s your day been?’

  I smiled. ‘Busy, which is what I needed.’ I wasn’t telling him why—that I was distracted from thoughts about him doing things to my body … I took a deep breath.

  ‘So you haven’t heard any more from Allister?’

  ‘No. Thank God. And here’s to hoping I never do again.’

  ‘You enjoying it here, Han?’

  I liked the way he had shortened my name. He’d not done that before. ‘So much. You’ve had a lot to do with that.’ My cheeks warmed, which was silly, but after the thoughts I’d had about him today, everything I said felt … sexual.

  He pointed to his chest.

  I nodded. ‘You’ve made it easy for me to slide right in. Helped me out when I needed it the most. You’re just so easy t
o be around …’ I stopped and lowered my gaze.

  ‘I’ve enjoyed having you here too,’ he said softly.

  Penny barked again.

  ‘Okay, okay, Penny. You too. I enjoy you being here too.’ Bear smiled and I laughed.

  ‘So what’s for dinner tonight?’

  ‘Homemade pizza.’

  He patted his hand at his chest. ‘A girl after my own heart.What can I do to help?’

  ‘Feel like getting your hands dirty?’ Gah, everything I said was filled with innuendo. If only he knew what was going through my mind.

  He smiled. ‘You’re seriously asking me that question?’

  I laughed. ‘Good point.’

  After washing our hands and re-cleaning the bench top, Bear read out the ingredients from the recipe I had for pizza dough on my iPad. I grabbed all the items from the cupboard and fridge when directed. He read aloud the instructions, step by step. I made one batch. He made another.

  ‘Oh man,’ I said while kneading the dough, puffing, my arm muscles fatiguing. ‘This is hard work.’

  He laughed as he curled and flattened his dough with his palms, his sexy muscles in his arms flexing with each stroke. I licked my lips, mouth suddenly dry.

  ‘Keep surfing like you are and this will be a piece of cake for you.’

  I grinned at him. ‘And then I can find a job as a carpenter too and get a body like yours as well.’

  ‘Hell no,’ he said quickly. ‘Your body is perfect …’ He stopped and grinned shyly.

  My cheeks heated. He could be so direct with the least amount of effort and if I allowed myself to accept his sledgehammer compliments, I was also able to acknowledge how they made me feel. After years of criticism, hearing I wasn’t good enough, too fat, a whore, Bear’s words were like salve.

  I was past the point of restraining my natural response out of some long-held obligation to Allister. He wasn’t here anymore. And he never would be again. My subconscious and my body seemed to have no trouble with moving right along. No trouble whatsoever.

  So that left me with three choices: