All of This Is True

by Lygia Day Penaflor

  “Brady, have you ever heard of confirmation bias?”

  “No,” Brady said, and he was certain he didn’t want to hear about it now.

  “Confirmation bias means that we make note of those images and instances that confirm our current beliefs more than we make note of those things that do not.”

  Brady inspected the K’NEX crane more carefully. It was pretty complicated. He felt sad now for the girl who made it. What brought her to Dr. Nihati? Probably nothing good. Brady was sure of that. Maybe she wasn’t as far along in her therapy as he was. She might’ve lost a parent. Or maybe her folks were in the middle of a nasty divorce.

  “For example,” Dr. Nihati continued, “let’s say your best friend moved away to Florida, and lately you’ve been feeling a bit guilty about not making an effort to visit him. And suddenly it seems like there are commercials every two minutes for Disney World, and every time you open your computer there are internet ads for airline tickets to Florida. And when you go to the store there are sales for oranges and orange juice and orange soda . . .”

  Brady balanced the K’NEX crane with his left hand and pulled the bucket down with his right hand. The girl who made it was pretty clever to be able to make this thing in a forty-five-minute session. She probably wants to be an architect or an engineer. This girl has mad skills. She deserves to go to MIT and be a fucking engineer no matter what brought her to this room in the first place, Brady thought.

  Dr. Nihati leaned forward. “You see, those ads and sales have always been present. Only now you’re noticing them because they confirm your current belief that you should visit your friend. You may interpret these images as signs, but this is actually confirmation bias. Do you understand?”

  Brady looked up from the K’NEX crane. Dr. Nihati meant well; sure she did. Brady had to respect her with that diploma on the wall and her tortoiseshell glasses and her long gold chain with a little magnifying glass hanging on the end and all those mandatory, very shrink-like things about her. She was doing a fantastic job. But Brady knew that Dr. Nihati was a woman of science, not of religion. That was fine. He couldn’t blame her for not believing in signs. Dr. Nihati was great. But a priest would probably say something totally different. Everyone has their own expertise. No big deal. “Oh, sure, sure.” Brady nodded. “Confirmation bias. That makes a lot of sense. Thanks.” None of it mattered anyway. Thora was going to help him to move on even if Dr. Nihati couldn’t.

  “Do you want to talk about the signs you’ve been seeing?”

  “No. Nah.” He shook his head. “They’re not signs anyway, right? No. I think I just want to talk about, uh, some methods to fall asleep better, because I’m still not doing so well with that,” Brady said, even though he’d been sleeping more soundly than ever. “Even when I think I’ve slept enough, I’m still tired, so I doubt I’m getting a real, deep sleep. Like, I’m probably not hitting that REM level of rest, you know?”

  “I see . . . okay.” Dr. Nihati raised her eyeglasses and rested them on top of her head. She was very professional, really. “Well, are you avoiding video screens at least an hour before bed? No cell phone, no laptop or TV, no iPad?”

  “Yes. I’m doing that. No screens.”

  “That’s good. What do you do instead?”

  “Read, mostly. I’ve been reading a lot.”

  Miri

  What were Soleil and Jonah like as a couple?

  They were perfection. Relationship goals.

  Really?

  Like a Season One couple on a CW show.

  Season One?

  Gorgeous. Also sweet and happy and always on the verge of tearing each other’s clothes off.

  Ah. [phone buzzes] Excuse me. I’ve gotta take this.

  No worries.

  Hello? You’re kidding . . . When? . . . Who are they? . . . Wow. Okay. Is this public knowledge? . . . All right. Yup. Will do. Right. Thanks for the call. Bye.

  They caught the guys?

  Just arrested five kids for assault.

  Finally! Thank the lord.

  The cops have been closing in on these arrests for a couple of days now. I’m glad they finally did it.

  So, who are these assholes?

  Three guys from South Carmine. Two others. They’re all between sixteen and eighteen.

  I knew it! Didn’t I tell you?

  You called it.

  [picks up phone] I’m texting Fatima.

  Do you think she’ll answer?

  It doesn’t matter. I just want her to know, and I want it to come from me.

  NEW YORK CITY MAGAZINE

  FOUR-PART SERIES

  * * *

  Stranger Than Fiction

  The True Story Behind the Controversial Novel

  The Absolution of Brady Stevenson

  SOLEIL JOHNSTON’S STORY, PART 3 (continued)

  * * *

  DATE: October 18, 2016

  TO: soleil410@gmail.com

  FROM: fatima.ro.author@gmail.com

  SUBJECT: AP Psych

  Got your text. You’re right. Trauma = 100% Jonah. This psychology stuff is fascinating and also incredibly helpful and insightful. Necessary in order to learn more about him. Very sorry—I don’t mean to trivialize. I should’ve paid attention when I took AP Psych my senior year, but I didn’t (too busy, I guess, sneaking out of my bedroom to meet a bad boy).

  I see why it’s a shock to see your new boyfriend reflected in a PowerPoint lesson. Don’t freak. This is a good thing: learning about Jonah from a psychological standpoint will help us to better understand him even if he’s struggling with being inside/out. So, Jonah fits the descriptions in your psych curriculum. This only means he’s going through normal coping strategies. It’s probably better to be definable than not.

  Don’t overanalyze. I had friends in college who were premed. They thought they had every single illness they studied. They didn’t, obviously. It’s called confirmation bias—once you have an idea in your head, you start to see confirmation of it everywhere. For example, if you need to buy an obscure item like a pet stroller, you start seeing pet stroller ads and articles and people with pet strollers. It seems like they’ve exploded everywhere, but in actuality, it’s because you’re only noticing them now. That’s an asinine example—I don’t know what I’m getting at here. I’m just trying to explain that you have Jonah on the brain, which is expected, and that everything’s completely okay. You think about him whenever you hear an Adele song, I’m sure. Seeing Jonah reflected in your AP Psychology homework is no different than that.

  Jonah is so much happier now that he’s with you. He smiles, for god’s sake! Do you remember him at my book signing with his sad gray hoodie, mumbling to me about TV and art and whatever the hell else? He’s practically a different person now. You’re helping him along, so he’s going to be fine. So are you.

  Penny

  How are you feeling about the arrests?

  I’m glad they got caught. I hope they get put away for a long time.

  Any other thoughts?

  [covers face]

  Penny?

  [shakes head]

  Are you okay?

  [no response]

  Why is this making you so emotional?

  [shrugs]

  You didn’t cause this, Penny. It’s not your fault.

  [no response]

  Do you want to talk about this?

  No.

  The Absolution of Brady Stevenson

  BY FATIMA RO

  (excerpt)

  Brady sat up in his bed. His right earlobe was going numb against his cell phone. “I used to have this recurring nightmare . . .” he said, switching to his left ear.

  “What was it?” Thora’s voice was so reassuring; she could get almost anything out of him.

  “I dreamed that I was locked away someplace terrible. Cletus was getting older and older back home, but I couldn’t get to him.”

  “Oh! How sad.”

  “In the dream, I needed a key to un
lock my door from the inside, but I could never find it. Every night I’d look in the same exact places, like under the mattress, under the plant, in my sock drawer, but I’d know from having the dream before that it wasn’t in any of those places. I was afraid that Cletus was dying and that I couldn’t see him to pet him or talk to him or anything. I’d wake up sweating and crying. I had that dream basically every night.”

  “That’s awful,” Thora said. “Where were you?”

  “What do you mean?” Brady tensed.

  “Where were you locked away in the dream?”

  “I don’t know. An institution of some kind. I wasn’t allowed out—in the dream.”

  “That’s terrible.”

  “Yeah. It stopped, though. I don’t have that nightmare anymore.”

  “That’s good. It must be a healthy sign.”

  “Must be.” Brady sank deeper into his pillow, grateful to be in his own bed.

  “It really means a lot that you’re transparent with me this way, Brady.”

  “It means a lot to me, too. I didn’t think I’d make any new friends after . . . what happened.”

  “I didn’t think I’d make new friends after I got published. I spilled my soul in The Drowning, and so I expected people to be real with me in return. Instead, my friends resented me for being successful when they were getting rejected to grad schools and turned down for internships. When I did meet new people, they couldn’t see past the author. It’s been hard to find authentic human connections until now.”

  “That’s the scary thing for me. I’m always afraid that if people find out that one thing about me, they won’t be able to see anything else,” Brady said, feeling very understood.

  “Sunny still sees you for you.”

  “I hope so.”

  “I know she does, because she’s been candid with me, too. You should take her out on a proper date. Better still, you should introduce her to Cletus. Share your universe with her, let her into your life a little bit. Make her feel like she’s part of it.”

  “You think so?”

  “She would love it.” Thora sounded excited, which made Brady excited. “Where do you like to walk Cletus? Is there a park you go to?”

  “I actually found this one beach spot that allows dogs, Sands Point. I’ve been taking him there. It’s nice and quiet most days.” Sands Point had a few regulars. There was actually an old guy with a pug, a couple with a scrappy mutt, and a single woman with a golden retriever. It had become Brady’s favorite place on the North Shore. “I just wish I could let Cletus off his leash, but you’re not allowed to do that. I’d really love to see how fast he would be if he could run free.”

  “Hang on,” Thora said. Brady could hear her typing. She always seemed to be typing when they were on the phone. “Are you talking about the beach at Sands Point Preserve? The place with a stone castle?”

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “There’s a Fall Medieval Festival coming up.”

  “I don’t know. It sounds a little geeky,” Brady said. His old self probably would’ve laughed at kids at a medieval festival.

  “No, no. It looks fun. Knights, horses, jousting. They put up tents, and people wear costumes.”

  Brady’s old self definitely would’ve laughed at kids in costumes. “Costumes?”

  “You don’t have to wear a costume. But you should take Sunny and Cletus. It’ll be the cutest date. Sunny will love the castles. There are Irish castles in The Drowning. She’ll be so into it.”

  Brady could picture it already—him and Sunny holding hands along the beach while Cletus played chest-deep in the water. The three of them could hike up the hill to the castle and stroll around the festival. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. Ask her to go. But ask her in person. No texting!”

  “Okay. I’m just out of it. I feel like I’m a year behind when it comes to girls. I really want things to work out with her.”

  “Then take her on a proper date, and it will. I promise you.”

  “Thanks. I hope so.” Brady checked his phone; his battery was dying. He looked around, but ironically, considering his social commentary art project, there was no sign of his charger. “My battery’s dying, so I’d better go.”

  Thora yawned. “Okay. We’ll talk more about it tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow.” Brady liked the sound of that.

  Miri

  No word from Fatima about the arrests?

  [scrolls through phone] No. [sighs] I just hope she gets some sense of relief from it. She must feel completely alone these days.

  She just hit the New York Times bestseller list.

  [puts phone down] The New York Times bestseller list? What are you saying? Do you think that serves as a consolation for her? Fatima left her home! Wherever she is now, she has no friends. Zero. This woman who lives and breathes to make authentic human connections has nobody. What do you think she’ll do—prop the New York Times beside her on the sofa and converse with it?

  No, I’m not suggesting that. But the list must mean something to her.

  I know what it means to her: nothing. She won Author of Promise and didn’t even tell us. I heard it from Soleil. Don’t you get it? Fatima didn’t want to be the Author of Promise for a book about her dead mother any more than she wants to be on the bestseller list because Jonah is hooked up to machines.

  How do you know this list isn’t exactly what she was hoping for when she set out to write this book?

  Because over the months that we spent with her, Fatima confided in us about a million things: when she was sixteen she lied and told her doctor she had irregular periods so that he would give her a prescription for the pill, and that her first boyfriend was so boring he turned her off to boys her age for the rest of her life. But do you know what? Of the million things she confided to us, she never once mentioned wanting to hit some list in the paper. I am confident that she didn’t give two shits about that list.

  What did she care about?

  Us.

  NEW YORK CITY MAGAZINE

  FOUR-PART SERIES

  * * *

  Stranger Than Fiction

  The True Story Behind the Controversial Novel

  The Absolution of Brady Stevenson

  SOLEIL JOHNSTON’S STORY, PART 3 (continued)

  * * *

  FATIMA

  Are you back yet? I’m at a snoozer publishing event, so can’t talk but OMG I’m dying to know how the date went!

  SOLEIL

  I MET CLETUS!!!!

  That’s so special! What else? Tell. Me. EVERYTHING.

  We took him to Sands Point beach. Perfect spot. Walked up the trail to . . . drumroll . . . Fall Medieval Fair! Very cool. Horses, jousting, tents, costumes, fortuneteller (long story), stone castle!!! Last time I was there was 2nd grade nature walk. Didn’t remember it was so beautiful.

  How was Jonah? Suave? Fun?

  Awkward? Cute? Sexy? WWJ???

  ALL OF THE ABOVE

  Awww . . . Ok, shit, gotta go.

  I’m getting an award right now for Undertow. It’s nonsense. Have to give an acceptance speech blaaahhh.

  WOW! No, that’s awesome. Congrats! Go get your award! I’ll tell you (hottt) deets about the castle later! ☺<3

  Huzzah!!! Happy for you bye!!!

  Penny

  Soleil and Jonah went to a fortune-teller.

  They did?

  When he took her to a Renaissance fair.

  Oh.

  Jonah told me. He didn’t want his fortune read. He was, like, dead set against it. But Soleil kept telling him it’d be fun, you know, like spooky Halloween kind of fun. She’s always down for anything. That’s just Soleil; she convinces you that everything’s gonna be a blast. So Jonah went along with it. But it turned out to be a bad idea.

  Why was that?

  The fortune-teller said that Jonah’s fortune was incomplete.

  Okay, that’s . . . creepy.

  I know. She said Jonah had a “dark cloud following
him.” She also told him there was a very wise woman in his life, and if Jonah followed her guidance, he could escape the darkness. Then she charged Soleil five dollars for the reading.

  Huh.

  Do you believe in that stuff? That people can predict the future?

  I believe that some people can, but most who say they can are probably fakes.

  That’s what I think, too. [sighs] I hope that one was a fake. [pauses]

  What are you thinking about?

  Do you think all the guys that beat Jonah will be tried as adults, even the minors?

  That’s a good question. There’s a chance they will. There may be a lot of pressure and backlash from the last time.

  [shakes head] It just keeps going and going.

  What does?

  If these guys get off, is someone gonna beat them up afterward?

  Let’s hope they don’t get off.

  [phone buzzes] [reads text] It’s my father from the home office.

  I made him promise not to come downstairs anymore. He just saw Fatima on the New York Times bestseller list. He’s saying she’s profiting off of Jonah and some other stuff I can’t say on camera. [looks up] He’s really mad.

  Well, I can understand his anger. But Fatima might’ve hit the list with or without the scandal. Her reviews were good. There was a lot of prerelease buzz. The advance sales were strong. It seemed to be headed in that direction on its own.

  Okay. [texts]

  What do you think about it—the bestseller list?

  I think it’s so gross, for real. This just happened to Jonah. It’s still happening right now, and she’s getting on lists. She must be making a lot of money.

  Some.

  It’s not like it’s a book about the Titanic or something. That boat sank, like, a hundred years ago. Fatima wrote about us today, while we’re still in the world walking around. Well . . . not Jonah. But you know what I mean.