All of This Is True

by Lygia Day Penaflor

  Dear Fatima,

  I read something I think you’ll find particularly interesting: an article in Psychology Today called “The Communal Narcissist: Another Wolf Wearing a Sheep Outfit.” As I read it, I felt as if St. Peter opened heaven’s gate and showered me with enlightenment. (Thought you’d appreciate that imagery. Doesn’t the use of a religious reference make me sound deep? I’ve learned so much about writing from Undertow, the most brilliant piece of fiction possibly ever written. I find myself writing like you, speaking like you, thinking like you. I’m even smelling like you, thanks to Cake Batter Whipped Body Cream.)

  Do you know what a communal narcissist is? No? You weren’t paying attention in class that year because you were having the kind of sex that made you “grow and mature”? Well, sit back, relax, and enjoy the education, as I did time and again with your films that inspired you to be a writer, your vintage Chanel and Halston that I could try on, your favorite Chinese takeout, your dating advice, your instructions on the perfect messy topknot and the perfect matte red lips.

  A communal narcissist is someone who appears to do helpful things for others. They appear empathetic, nurturing, understanding. But in actuality, they perform their so-called “good deeds” in order to receive praise and show themselves off as noteworthy and above the rest of their social circle.

  Ms. Halpin would ask me to give an example of a communal narcissist. Let me see . . .

  How about an author who wrote a novel about her deepest shame and claims to have done so in order to help readers forgive themselves for their own failures, but in reality she’s only seeking admiration? Or how about an author who invites a bunch of teenagers to her home in the name of “human connections” when all the while she’s just using them to feed her ego?

  Isn’t this simply fascinating? I’d never heard of such a thing as a communal narcissist before. I’d like to thank you for encouraging my studies in psychology. Thanks, Fatima, for all of your “good deeds,” which I’m sure weren’t meant to validate your own self-worth. What an engrossing study. Honestly, these findings are truly the stuff of life.

  Good luck with your new novel. I’m sure it’ll be as successful and as self-serving as Undertow.

  By the way, you’ll be proud to know that I completed my art project just in time. I decided what to put inside the doors: plastic army men, all frozen in position, all wearing green, waiting to follow the 5%. Inside Jonah’s door: a trophy cracked in half. Behind your door, I placed the final piece: a figurine of a wolf that I wrapped in sheepskin. Feel free to take a look at the photos at #LargosStudioArt #DoorsAsAMetaphor #WolfInSheepsClothing. Thanks for your advice on adding a layer of depth to my project. Once again, you know everything. You’re always right. I got an A.

  The precious truth,

  Soleil

  P.S. Yes, this is a “Dear Fatima” email because FUCK YOU.

  P.P.S. If you should ever decide to get back in touch, follow me on Facebook, where you’ll find:

  Soleil Johnston

  ABOUT SOLEIL: Reformed Fatima Ro fan, future psychologist

  RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single

  Penny

  Soleil kept yelling, “Don’t shut me out! Open the door! You did this to me!” It was awful seeing her that way.

  It sounds terrible. What happened then?

  I picked her up off her feet and pulled her away from the door. I kept looking back at the house because I wanted Fatima to see how much she was hurting Soleil. But Fatima wasn’t watching. She didn’t care about her at all.

  It must’ve been hard for you girls to understand.

  It hurt to go from eating from her fridge and trying on her Louboutins to getting turned away—I didn’t think it was really happening. Miri said, “It’s not Fatima’s fault. She’s hurt too. Just give her time.” I kinda knew then that Miri would side with Fatima. I just knew it. Way before Fatima or Jonah came along, it was me, Miri, and Soleil. Miri should’ve sided with us.

  Graham Sevens.

  [whispers] Trendsetters.

  What was that, Penny?

  Nothing. [pauses] I ended up going back to Fatima’s house on my own about a week later.

  You did?

  Yes. To see if she was ready to see us. Plus, I was used to seeing Mulder. That week felt so long. I barely knew what to do with myself. I was, like, in withdrawal or something.

  I understand. So you went over there?

  Uh-huh. [pauses] I really thought she’d answer the door and invite me in, and we’d talk about everything and call Miri and Soleil and we’d all sit in shock together.

  That’s not what happened, is it?

  [shakes head] No. She wasn’t home. I could see through the garage window that her car wasn’t in. So I went around back and used my key.

  That’s right, you still had a key.

  She never asked me for it. I thought things were going to go back to normal. [sighs] So, I opened the sliding door, same as I did a dozen times. I went in, and everything was gone.

  What do you mean everything?

  I mean that ratty sofa and her DVDs, the toaster oven, her mother’s Bee Gees and Police records. The Undertow box. I ran to check the closet. All of her gorgeous clothes were gone.

  And Mulder?

  Gone. Even his gross chewed fur toy was gone. Everything. Except some wire hangers and dry cleaning bags, and empty shampoo bottles. And the horseshoe that Soleil gave her; it was still nailed over the front door.

  That’s so sad. I’m sorry.

  [sighs]

  What did you do then?

  I took a picture of the living room with nothing in it but the indents in the carpet from where the sofa used to be. I sent it to Soleil and Miri. Jonah, too, but that was an accident, it was out of habit. And then I . . .

  You what?

  I went into the bathroom . . . and I did my hair half down, half up in a topknot the way Fatima showed Soleil.

  Why?

  I don’t know.

  Come on. Tell me.

  Because I wished that was me, okay? I was jealous of Soleil since the housewarming for being closer to her. Even after Fatima abandoned her, I still . . . I wanted to feel like a main character.

  The Absolution of Brady Stevenson

  BY FATIMA RO

  (excerpt)

  The three girls stood on Thora’s doorstep with their arms around each other. Marni knocked quietly at first and then louder the second time. The door opened. Thora Temple, with bloodshot eyes, fell into the girls’ embrace. “I was afraid you’d never come back here,” she said. “I thought you hated me. I’m so sorry, Sunny. I’m so ashamed that I pushed you to be with him. I wanted him to be happy. I didn’t know who he was.”

  Over Chinese food and vinyl records, the girls came together just like on Orientation Day when they’d climbed the spiral stairs to the roof to win the Morley scavenger hunt as a team. They talked with Thora into the night about a kid who had them fooled. Sunny spoke in spurts and starts. She had fallen for him, she said, because he was “quiet and brave and didn’t want or need attention.” She agonized over his copy of The Drowning, in which he’d scribbled dates and places where he and Sunny reenacted heated scenes between Sam and Jules. Marni and Paloma were occupied with the details, trying to connect the dots from South Carlisle to juvenile detention to Morley Academy.

  As for Thora, she sat cross-legged on her living room floor. From a box labeled “Book Two,” she handed out copies of a working manuscript. She’d been agonizing over it since September but had recently unearthed the novel’s precious truth. It was about a boy, who, given Thora’s profession and experience, she should have recognized from the start: the Bad Boy, the dark, brooding new guy who comes to town to escape a shameful history and to win the love of everyone who looks into his deep, sad, soulful eyes.

  Miri

  After Soleil heard Fatima’s interview on the radio in California, we knew the book was coming in April. You won’t believe this, but the release date w
as April tenth, Soleil’s eighteenth birthday.

  Oh, man. That’s brutal.

  Happy birthday. [toasts with a Starbucks cup] The months leading up to it, we saw the synopsis, and then we saw the cover of the cracked trophy, and then we read the industry reviews calling it “riveting” and “thought-provoking,” “a tale of desperation and betrayal.” Fatima’s book revealed itself to us little by little by little; it felt like it was coming to get us. The anxiety working up to that moment . . . I can’t even explain.

  It must’ve been stressful.

  I can’t. [shakes her head] I could hardly think about anything else.

  I can imagine.

  I hoped to god that I was right, that Fatima wouldn’t screw us over. I knew I’d never hear the end of it otherwise. [sighs] And then when the book finally came out, that was it for me. Do you know what I felt?

  What?

  Relief. I read it front to back in twenty-four hours, and that’s honestly all I felt. Relief. It was indescribably . . . beautiful. Fatima liked to joke that every teen novel has the line, “She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.” [laughs] Well, that’s how it was when I read the last word. I literally let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. [pauses]

  If I had to critique it, my one complaint would be that it’s too generous. Nicholas didn’t deserve it. That’s why I’m so surprised that Soleil and Penny are still outraged. But let’s face it: they were outraged by Fatima’s first radio interview, and never gave the book a chance after that. They made up their minds to feel manipulated and betrayed, and so they’ve remained manipulated and betrayed. There is nothing I or you or anyone can say to change their minds.

  Penny, Soleil, the reason I asked you to meet me at the Witches Brew today is because—

  MIRI

  [enters] What the fuck is this? An ambush?

  SOLEIL

  You didn’t tell us she was going to be here.

  MIRI

  You set me up, Nelson? Forget this. I’m out of here. [puts jacket on]

  PENNY

  He set us up. We don’t want to see you any more than you want to see us.

  MIRI

  Shut up, Penelope.

  Please, girls. Miri, I’d really appreciate it if you’d sit down.

  MIRI

  Fine. [sits] But only because I have my end of the interview to finish. [looks at Soleil] I’m surprised you’re here, Soleil. Will you be taking notes for New York City magazine? A journal entry about an interview about a novel about your journal entries? How meta.

  SOLEIL

  [rolls eyes]

  Just give me a second here. I spoke to Fatima’s publicist.

  MIRI

  You did? Is Fatima okay?

  SOLEIL

  What’d she say?

  Fatima canceled her own book tour. Twenty-one appearances. She’s getting hounded for interviews but refuses to take any. She won’t talk to anyone right now. No one.

  MIRI

  Why would she give interviews when the media is berating her? And how can she go on tour when she’s grieving?

  SOLEIL

  [laughs]

  PENNY

  Fatima’s not grieving.

  She’s being mysterious.

  MIRI

  What are you talking about?

  PENNY

  She said it herself, remember?

  What’s cooler than owning the scene?

  SOLEIL

  Disowning the scene.

  PENNY

  Now she’s more popular than ever.

  MIRI

  [pauses]

  That’s . . . that’s ludicrous.

  You have zero clue.

  And don’t try to use her words against her!

  SOLEIL

  Fatima used her words against Jonah!

  She blew up our lives!

  All right. Listen. This is why I brought you together. I realize how confusing this situation is without being able to ask Fatima about her intentions. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. As her friends, it’s difficult for you to understand—

  PENNY

  Fatima wasn’t our friend.

  We were just characters to her.

  MIRI

  Just because she wrote about us doesn’t mean she wasn’t our friend. How many times do I have to say that?

  SOLEIL

  She used us all for her own selfish reasons because she wasn’t talented enough to create something original. She wrote intimate things that I told her in confidence. She betrayed me. Friends don’t use each other, Miri.

  MIRI

  Bullshit! You’re a published writer now because of your friendship with Fatima! [laughs] Everybody uses everybody. Sure, Fatima used us for inspiration. We used Fatima to hang out with a celebrity, so she could save us from our vapid lives. Nicholas used us to hide from himself. We used Penny for seats in the skybox and her tricked-out party house. Everyone takes what they can get. So what?

  SOLEIL

  So what? Jonah is brain-dead because of what Fatima wrote.

  PENNY

  And because of what I told her.

  MIRI

  No. He’s brain-dead because of what he did. He brought this on himself. He had it coming.

  PENNY

  How can you be so cold?

  MIRI

  You really think that he was your friend but Fatima wasn’t?

  PENNY

  I was Fatima’s cat sitter.

  But I had a connection with Jonah. We were friends.

  MIRI

  His name was Nicholas, for Christ’s sake! How could he be your friend when you don’t even know his name! The only reason he hung out in your dark basement and came over to make your little poster was because he was escaping his conscience. Your house was the farthest corner of Long Island from South Carmine. That’s not a friend. That’s a fugitive.

  SOLEIL

  He’s in a coma. Don’t talk about him like that.

  MIRI

  Why are you defending him?

  You hooked up! He used you the most!

  SOLEIL

  That doesn’t mean he should suffer this way. It’s no use being mad at him now that he’s hurt.

  MIRI

  He was a fucked-up pervert who ruined some poor guy’s life forever. Nicholas Jonna deserves to be a vegetable!

  PENNY

  Don’t say that!

  SOLEIL

  He’s not a vegetable.

  MIRI

  What the hell do you think

  brain-dead means?

  PENNY

  He’s young, and he’s strong.

  That means he can recover and be rehabilitated. He’s an athlete.

  MIRI

  He’s an eggplant, Penny!

  SOLEIL

  You heartless bitch. You and Fatima deserve each other.

  PENNY

  You guys, fighting isn’t going to make him better.

  MIRI

  Better? Nicholas isn’t going to get better. He’s going to die.

  PENNY

  No, he’s not! He’s only eighteen, he’s—

  MIRI

  He will die, Penny. I’m not telling you this to hurt you, I swear it, I wouldn’t do that. I’m telling you this to prepare you. The next time all our phones ring, it’ll be because he’s dead.

  SOLEIL

  Miri!

  PENNY

  [shakes head] You just don’t want him to get better, Miri. But he will. You’ll see.

  MIRI

  [sighs] Even if he could, why should he get better? So that he can graduate from Graham, go to Cornell, and live a charmed life like the rest of us who were never convicted of a sex crime? Why should he have the same future?

  SOLEIL

  Because he was sorry. People change.

  MIRI

  Evil doesn’t change. “You can’t hide your true self.” You believed that when Fatima said it. “Your authentic self will always surface.” Evil
only lurks until the next victim. Nicholas Jonna ordered his team to sexually assault someone. That’s not something that can change; that’s his character. That’s who he is.

  SOLEIL

  No. He was a good person who did something bad.

  MIRI

  You’re wrong, Soleil. Fatima only wrote him that way to redeem him. The character Brady Stevenson was a good person who did something bad. That’s who you feel sorry for. You have no idea who Nicholas was.

  SOLEIL

  Yes, I do. He was decent. I know it for a fact.

  MIRI

  Because he didn’t have sex with you?

  SOLEIL

  Yes.

  MIRI

  He shouldn’t have dated you to begin with! Don’t be a fool, Soleil—not again.

  SOLEIL

  It’s not foolish to forgive someone who learned a lesson. It’s not foolish to let your anger go so that you can live your life again. You have no idea how much anger weighs! [bursts into tears] I should’ve forgiven him. I should’ve talked to him when I had the chance.

  MIRI

  This is exactly why Fatima wrote this book. Soleil, can’t you see that Fatima did this because she cared about you?

  SOLEIL

  No. She cared about herself. You saw how desperate she was. She needed to turn in a story on time, any story, no matter who she hurt. As soon as Penny gave her the rest of the plot she abandoned me.