by Toni Aleo
He takes a step toward me, venom in his voice. “Shut your fucking mouth!”
“Get away from me.”
“I’m allowing you to breathe, Avery. Remember that,” he seethes and I scoff.
“Please. You won’t touch me,” I say, holding up my phone to show that I’ve been recording this whole conversation. “One click, it’s on Facebook.” His eyes move to my phone as I hit the button and my voice fills the room, asking if he is gay. “Now stay the fuck away from me.”
Shaking his head, he glares. “Fine, as long as you stay away from me.”
He holds my gaze and I actually feel the loss of him. We’ve drawn the line in the sand. We will never have a relationship after this, not that I expected we could anyway.
But it still hurts as he points at me. “Don’t you dare say anything.”
“I don’t owe you anything,” I say simply. The panic is flashing in his eyes. He snatches his phone and storms out of the kitchen. When I hear the front door slam, I fall back into a chair and shake my head.
Jesus.
My brother is gay?
Wow.
That’s insane.
Sucking in a deep breath, still unable to process all this, I get my food out of the microwave before sitting where I can see both doors in case he comes back. I know it’s sad that I’m scared, but he had nothing but hatred in the depths of his turquoise eyes. As I dig into my food, I swear that was a mindfuck. Who would have thought that? And why is he hiding it? We are adults and it’s not like we have parents of the year anyway. I wonder how long he’s known, I wonder if he’s been in lov—
Wait.
Letting my head fall to the side, I pull my phone out, going to Facebook and typing in a name. When his profile comes up, I’m surprised I’m able to look at his profile picture without crying. To be honest, I don’t feel anything as Caleb’s grinning face looks back at me. When I see that he is on Messenger, my heart throbs in my throat as I hit his name and then start typing.
Avery Rose: Caleb, it’s Avery Haverbrooke. I know it’s been a really long time, but I need to ask you something.
His text bubble comes up right away.
Caleb Rutherford: Wow. Hey. Long time.
My heart is pounding in my chest. I can’t breathe because I never thought I would speak to him again. Like ever. I’ve hated him for so long, and yet, here I am, talking to him. But I have to know. Swallowing hard, I type back quickly.
Avery Rose: Yeah. So, do you have a moment?
Caleb Rutherford: Yeah. How are ya?
Avery Rose: Good, thanks, u?
Caleb Rutherford: Good, just touring the world.
Avery Rose: I see. I have a question because I know my boyfriend contacted you, Jace Sinclair. And you told him my family told you that you would never go into the draft. It was said that when I tried to kill myself, my dad retaliated and ruined your career, but that isn’t true. I asked my dad about it and he said our breakup wasn’t your fault, which I don’t agree with. I can’t believe I’m actually talking to you right now, but then I have to cuz I just found out something and I really need the truth.
Caleb Rutherford: Whoa. What?
Caleb Rutherford: Can I call you?
Avery Rose: What? Why?
But before he can answer me back, my Messenger is ringing with a call from him. Swallowing hard, I accept the call and his voice comes over the line.
“Avery?”
Oh man, it’s still as deep as I remember it.
Swallowing hard, I croak out, “Yeah?”
“Okay, hold on. I don’t understand. How is it my fault you tried to kill yourself? I had no clue about it until the end. Surely it wasn’t ’cause we broke up.”
My face scrunches up in confusion. “Um, did you forget that you tormented me, told me to kill myself?”
“What the fuck? I wouldn’t do that.”
“I have screenshots.”
“Send them to me.”
Pulling my phone away from my face, I go the folder that’s labeled “Hell in a handbasket” before I select them and send them to him. He is silent on the other end and my gut hurts. I don’t know what is going on. I thought when I heard his deep voice again, it would mean something to me. It doesn’t. Which, I guess, is good. Really good. I can’t believe this is happening, but it’s needed. I not only need closure, but I also need to know the truth.
Even if it does make my chest feel tight and my eyes flood with tears.
I need to know.
Swallowing hard, he clears his throat. “Avery, I swear to God, I didn’t send these texts.”
I don’t believe him. “Yeah, sure.”
“No, really. When I broke it off, it was because I didn’t want a girlfriend. I didn’t do it to hurt you. I loved you as a friend. I didn’t want to lead you on when I wasn’t into it. I told you that.”
“You did, but then you started singing a different tune and drove me to the point of slitting my wrists.”
“It wasn’t me,” he begs. “I promise you. You have to believe me.”
“That’s hard to do,” I admit and he sounds panicky.
“Really, Avery, that wasn’t me. I wouldn’t do that to you. I cared for you. Come on, surely you believe that.”
I thought he had cared, but it just went to shit so quickly. “I think I know who it was, though,” he murmurs.
Confused, I ask, “Who?”
“Matty.”
“What? Why would he do that?” I ask, even though… Why wouldn’t he?
“What did you find out today, Avery? Because I’m pretty sure you know why,” he suggests and I pause, my blood going cold in my veins.
Gasping for breath, it all comes clear to me. He hated Caleb and me together. Used to talk shit all the time and he was so mean. To me, not Caleb. But still, it was insane. He acted as if he was with Caleb, and I stole him from him… Jesus, it all makes sense. “He was in love with you.”
“Yeah,” he says and my eyes fall shut.
You stole something from me that I can’t ever get back, and I’ll never forgive you for that!
“Holy crap.”
“Yeah, I never knew, I never suspected. I mean, we were friends, best friends, and then I started dating you and he just got nasty. When I broke it off with you, he confronted me, admitted that he was in love with me and knew that I loved him. But I don’t play for that team. And when I told him that, he lost his shit, promising me that if I told anyone, he could get your dad to ruin my career. I guess my heart wasn’t really into hockey because I didn’t care. Then I quit ’cause I got into drugs real bad, and I didn’t think any more of it, you know? But fuck, Avery. I’m sorry you got caught in the cross fire and shit. I never knew.”
“Wow,” I say, sucking in a deep breath. “But that doesn’t explain how he used your phone. If you guys stopped talking after we broke up, and the texts came from you for weeks afterward…”
He lets out a long breath and then pauses. “I bet you he did it on my iMessage because he had all my passwords. Really, Avery, I wouldn’t hurt you like that. I did care about you. But when all that shit went down, I just wrote your whole family off.”
I close my eyes and I hear the serenity in his voice. “But why? Why would he do that?”
“’Cause he was jealous of you, always has been. He asked if I still loved you after we broke up, and I said I’d always love you. He’s fucking crazy, Av. I promise you.”
“And he says I’m the crazy one,” I say with a humorless laugh. Shaking my head, I sigh deeply. I’m unsure if Caleb is telling the truth, but it all just makes sense. I didn’t think Caleb could be so mean. He was a good dude. I knew him my whole life, and I always thought what happened was like a light switch flicking off. While I don’t want to believe that someone who was supposed to love me could do this, the evidence is in the way Matty looked at me not an hour ago.
“Avery, I’m really sorry. And I wish you the best, I do. But I gotta go.”
; “Of course, sorry. I was thinking,” I say quickly.
“It’s fine,” he says softly. “I hope you are doing well. I think of you often, and I stalk you a bit. You look like you’re doing great. I’m happy for you.”
A grin pulls at my lips. “Thank you.”
“And that Sinclair, man, he’s one lucky dude.”
I smile. “I’m pretty lucky myself.”
“Good, well, I’ll let you go.”
“Okay, good luck to you.”
“Thanks. Stay in touch, okay?”
“Yeah,” I say and then the line goes dead.
Wow.
I really don’t know what I think. I believe him. It all makes sense, but then what kind of monster does that? Why is Matty so jealous of me? Our family loves him. It makes no damn sense. He’s so unhappy with himself that he lashed out against me, and all I wanted was to be loved. Damn.
When my phone dings, I look down to see it’s Jace.
Jace: I just walked in on my coach having phone sex with my mom. I can’t unhear that, Avery. I can’t.
I sputter with laughter before I type back.
Me: Ew, sorry, but I can trump that, my friend.
Jace: Avery, he said he wanted to grasp her voluptuous booty. Omg. I just threw up.
I’m cackling at this point.
Me: Well, while that is disturbing, I found out my brother is gay.
Jace: ???
Jace: Matty?
Me: Yes.
Jace: I KNEW IT! Is it with Caleb? They were too sweet for each other.
Me: They were?
Jace: Ugh yes. Hey! What if that’s the reason he was so mean to you? Like did what he did cuz he was really in love with your brother but they couldn’t come out cuz everyone is so judgey and will hate on them. And your parents! AH THE HORROR! Them finding out their spoiled little brat of a son has a boyfriend! That will blow the roof of that stuck-up hockey club! The drama!
Me: You’re having way too much fun with this.
Jace: I heard my coach tell my mom he wants to smother his face in her boobs. I am trying to distract myself.
I close my eyes, unable to hold in the laughter. Regaining control, I type back.
Me: Wow. Okay, anyway, you’re not totally off. I just got off the phone with Caleb.
Jace: Ah…BUMBUMBUM! The plot thickens, ex calls out brother’s gay lover.
I pause.
Me: You never cease to amaze me.
Jace: I know, get on with it.
Me: Anyway, he claims that he never texted me after we broke up, that Matty did from his iMessage. That Matty professed his love for him and Caleb shut him down. Matty threatened to have my dad ruin his career. Caleb was bad into drugs and decided he didn’t care.
Jace: Jesus, that shit could be on Lifetime.
Me: Exactly.
Jace: Do you believe him?
Me: I think so. He sounded sincere and it went down so bad, it was really unlike him.
Jace: Yeah, well, at least you know the truth.
Me: There is that.
Jace: Are you gonna confront him?
Me: I don’t know, he just tried to kill me when I called him out.
Jace: What?
Me: It’s nothing.
Jace: I swear to God, I’m gonna kill that dude.
Me: Thanks but no, and I mean, what would it do if I confront him?
Jace: Nothing, but it will make us all feel better if I knock his teeth to the back of his throat.
Shaking my head, I roll my eyes.
Me: Hockey players are so violent.
Jace: Yeah, yeah, but whatever, you’re coming home soon.
Me: I am.
Jace: And it’s all I care about. Leave that shitshow there and come home.
Me: Will do.
Leaning back in the chair, I shake my head.
Wow.
I still can’t believe this.
But one thing is for sure…
Today has been insane.
Sitting back in the chair in my doctor’s office, I cross my legs, pulling my sweater dress across my knees as I wait. It’s crazy cold in Jersey, of course, and it’s already snowing. I love snow, but I’m not staying here. Not a snowball’s chance in hell. If the last three hours have taught me anything, it’s that I can’t trust my family. Not even the person who is supposed to be closest to me. My twin. No, not even him.
It’s so sad.
Scrolling through my Facebook as I wait, I try not to let everything bother me. I felt so strong in front of Matty, but now I don’t. I feel anxious. I feel like he could come after me. I shouldn’t feel that way. It’s unbelievable, so malicious, and I don’t think I’ll ever look at him the same again. Not that I ever held him in high regard anyway.
The whole ride here, I went back and forth. Wondering if I should out him, tell my parents what he has done, who he is. But then, what would it accomplish? Would they love me more? Would they treat me better? Would they actually care about my feelings?
As much as I hate him, and as horrible as the things are that he’s done to me, I know I’d never deliberately out him. I’m angry, but I’m not heartless. Revenge is a nasty thing. You can lose yourself. I’ve been witness to it, and I really don’t want to succumb to it. I don’t want to lose myself. I know who I am, I love me—and Matty… He’s nothing to me anymore.
He’s the one who has to deal with his own unhappiness.
Glancing at the time, I worry that I’ll miss my flight. Dr. Perry is taking longer than usual getting my prescription. Maybe she’s upping me to the max because of how I unloaded on her. I’ve been talking for the last hour, telling her everything that happened. She asked me what I wanted, and I told her I didn’t know. Because I didn’t. But now, I know I don’t want anything to do with it. I’m letting it go. Letting them go, letting my brothers go, and Matty, for sure. His pain won’t bring me pleasure. I’m not a sick freak like he is.
I’m a good person.
One who is better when Jace is around.
Hitting my profile, I smile at our picture. Both of us acting goofy with me on his back, kissing his cheek. Ugh, I miss him and I can’t wait to get home and apologize. We haven’t discussed what happened at all. We’ve just enjoyed texting each other, and it almost feels like it did when we first met. But I know we both see the elephant in the room. We have to discuss it. We have to clear the air to move forward. Which is the only way we’re going.
When my phone goes off and I see my mom has texted me, I click her message.
Mom: How about you stay for a couple more days?
What the hell?
Me: No, I can’t. I have classes, gigs, and my internship.
Mom: Oh. Well, I was hoping you’d stay since it would just be us, no one else since everyone is leaving. I didn’t get to spend much time with you.
Me: Whose fault is that?
Mom: Avery. Come on, you wouldn’t come out of your room.
Me: Because you didn’t want me to. You didn’t care one bit about me and that hurts. So yeah, no, I’m not staying.
When the door opens, I look up as Dr. Perry comes in, shutting the door behind her. I look down to turn off my phone after reading what my mom said back, but she hasn’t said anything. Okay, then. Looking up, I swallow hard and look at Dr. Perry as she comes toward me. She looks worried, which confuses me. Her small frame is tense, her shoulders back as she moves closer, looking at my chart and chewing on the end of her pen.
What the hell is going on?
She looks at me with trouble-filled brown eyes. “Sorry it took so long. We, um, had some issues with your prescription.”
My lip curls up in confusion. “Huh? Why?” She looks at me, really looks at me. I’ve been coming to her for a very long time, so I know something is wrong. With my chest tightening and my heart slamming hard into my ribs, I eye her. “What’s wrong?”
“Avery,” she says, placing her hand on my knee. “Sweetheart, you shared so much today, more than
ever. I mean, you are growing right before my eyes. But you left out something huge. Something I needed to know before I try to write a scrip. I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. Aren’t you worried your medications could hurt the baby?”
I can only blink. “What? What did you say?”
Her head tilts to the side, confusion swimming in her eyes. “You’re pregnant, and I needed to know that before I wrote this scrip. I had to find a different prescription for your lingering traces of depression because the other med could be harmful to the baby.”
“What baby?”
“Your baby.”
My head is jerking from side to side as I throw my hands up in a defensive manner. “Whoa, back it up. I’m not pregnant.”
“Yes, you are,” she says, flipping her file over to show me. At the top it has my name and then below that in big, bold letters:
PREGNANT
“Wait, what?” My throat is closing as I pull in deep breaths through my nose.
This is a mistake.
“You didn’t know?”
I shake my head, and I swear my brain scrambles in my head. Maybe it’s resetting because surely this is fucking wrong. I can’t be pregnant. This can’t be true. “No!”
She holds the file to her lap, her gaze full of confusion but also concern. “Well, Avery, are you sexual active?”
“Yes. But we use condoms.”
“Those aren’t 100% effective, you know,” she points out and I shake my head, unable to breathe.
“What the hell,” I yell, my whole body going numb. Bracing my hands on the side of the table, I draw in deep breaths, my head still shaking no as I try to figure out how this could have happened. Every time, we used condoms. We were safe. What the fuck? “No. How do you know? This has to be wrong.”
“You know we always do a urine test at the start of your sessions to check your levels.”
“It’s wrong,” I say defiantly, my heart pounding against my ribs as I start to feel dizzy. “I can’t be pregnant.”
